I was scared.
Very scared.
The mind is a strange and wonderful thing, capable of creating reality out of perception and changing perception to suit reality. What if I went to see him and he was Old, Balding and Pathetic? A sad caricature of himself incapable of rising to the self-parody and easy humour that once made him famous, instead limping through his tired old hits while oozing desperation and reeking of lechery instead of coolness.
Old rock stars are dangerous.
As Bands/Artists who we connected with in our youth, there is little as capable of making us feel older and sadder than we are then watching that Band/Artist perform embarrassing shows that are uncomfortable to watch and cause us to somehow feel “less” upon reflection in direct contrast to how they made us feel somehow “more” when we were young.
Yeah, I was worried. If I went to see David Lee Roth and he wasn’t what he once was, wouldn’t that be the same as me not being what I once was? (see above picture for reference and giggles…hey it was the early fucking 90’s get off my back!..). Maybe I was washed up too?
And so…the highlights…and not so highlights…
Mrs. Cake spots three skanky looking chicks haulin’ gear into the backstage area, quips “Gee, Diamond Dave must be cutting back, he has the Hookers doin double duty haulin’ equipment for him…Hehehehehehe”. Much laughter and slanderous comments directed at the poor quality of slut that Dave is now capable of attracting.
Hooker/Skanky chicks hop on stage and rip into some Ramones inspired 3 chord Rock. Turns out they were the opening band.
Mrs. Cake feels bad about her jest.
The temperature rises to just below the surface temperature of the sun. Spontaneous combustion helps to thin the crowd and at the very least I get some shoulder room. More Evian please…
Very rank looking slut peeks at me from behind her friends and makes her way over to me. As she approaches I think to myself in light speed…“Did I?..don’t think so but would I?, well if I was REALLY drunk but it would have had to have been pre-Mrs. Cake and she looks more “recent” then that…oh, god look at her up close, I really, really hope I didn’t, I wonder if I could get away saying my name is Tim Patterson and I have no idea what she is talking about?..Damn, she’s already in my face…”
“You don’t remember me do you” (insert accusatory tone, this is a statement, not a question)
(Me, trying to buy time) “Pfft, of course I do, how ya doin?”
“From where?” (Insert Perry Mason successfully badgering a witness and winning the case in dramatic fashion tone)
(Lightning strikes and my memory is restored) “From the Red Devil, you were one of my Bartenders…Cindy, right?” (Haha! I WIN!)
“You sat there all calm and collected and fired me for no reason, ruining my life like it meant nothing to you and you sat there like you were having Sunday Tea, it didn’t bother you at all, you cold Bastard. But I’m over it and really it let me move on to bigger and better things, I am a Snowboard instructor now.”
(Me, suddenly remembering exactly this girl and the details surrounding her dismissal…ohhh, ugh…)" I can see that!, good for you!"
Smile, Nod, Run Away.
Dave hits the stage.
What?
I said, Dave hits the stage.
WHAT?
I SAID, DAVE HITS THE STAAAAAGE!
I CAN’T HEAR YOU, DAVES ON THE STAGE AND HE IS REAL FUCKING LOUD!
No kidding, what is left of my hearing after years of sonic abuse was (I thought) incapable of being damaged further. I was wrong.
I presume the ringing will stop in a few days and the muffled effect will too. I hope.
My fear was unwarranted, Dave has all of his old chops and then some, maybe it’s the 15 foot proximity, the small club or possibly the fact that this time I am sober enough to see that far. The last time I saw Diamond Dave was around '90 on the “Eat 'em and Smile” tour with Steve Vai, Billy Sheehan and Greg whatsizface…just amazing at least the parts that still come to me as through a haze…
But, last night, hooo boy, Dave still kicks ass. Lots of ass. Mondo/Uber ass.
#2 Davisim of the night: “Hey baby, I gotta tell ya, things are going real good for me right now, I mean everything is just perfect. I couldn’t think of anything being better than it is right now. Yessiree, thing are great. Why don’t you come back to my Hotel room and fuck up the rest of my life?”
#1 Davisim of the night: Did someone just throw a fucking bottle at me?, Did some Motherfucker, Cocksucking Faggot just throw Ice up here? Hey you, Fuckhead, your girlfriend said you were going to be trouble tonight. I saw her before the show, she said to give you this message “Ummffugh, Umffguuuuck, Agahgahgahgahga, GULP!”. And the roof gets blown off by applause…Hilarious, just Hilarious.
Nasty Cougar who bears a creepy resemblance to Flo from Mel’s Dinner shudder sits atop here boyfriends shoulders and threatens to show poor Dave her Tea Bag Titties. Raucous noise accompanies her “teasing” movements at lifting her top but she misinterprets this to be encouragement, we were actually saying “Please do not do that, I mean sure Dave pissed off Eddie, ended possibly the best Rock band ever, couldn’t get along with the Red Rocker longer than 2 months and his juvenile behaviour is an acquired taste but no man deserves that, have a heart for crying out loud, you’ll make his hair plugs fall out if he catches a glimpse of those things at that close range. And besides, PICK UP AT TABLE 6!”
Thankfully a much more attractive Vixen hopped up on her boyfriends shoulders and shamed her back to the floor.
Close call.
And me? well, today I was walking a little taller and my chest was a little swelled due to some meathead who was behind me that informed me after the obligatory Jake Daniels toast that my “Water doesn’t count”…uh…O.K Buddy, he then proceeds to hand me an empty cup and says “Put it in here and no one will laugh at you”. I look a Jabonie-Man and say “Who the fuck would do that?”, well he grabs my shoulder to lean in close and stops, stares at his hand, gives 2 squeezes looks at me and says “Uh…no one man, sorry dude, sorry”.
Now, yeah, I was flexed as I was prepared to backhand him (I HATE it when people touch me without my permission and yes that includes women who “stroke” your shoulders or lay their hand on your chest when they talk to you. These women are also usually close talkers as well and I hate that too. A Friend and you need a hug? Sure but strangers should and usually do give me lots of room.) But did I get an ego boost out of it in some silly school-girl way?..yep…
He said he like my pig-tails, he said he likes my Pig-tails…heeheeheehee
Yes sir, just like when I was 20. I am pretty sure that it is the Testosterone that makes us enjoy conflict no matter our age.
At least that’s what I blamed it on when I told Mrs. Cake about it…
A BIG DIAMOND DAVID LEE ROTH THANK YOU NEEDS TO GO OUT TO:
The extremely Beautiful and talented Eva Moore who in a totally unnecessary but inspiringly kind gesture insisted that Linda and myself get out together and she would take care of the “muffins” (Sam, Kel and Ronnie) as a reward for the T-cell/B-Day bash held 2 weeks ago. It is apparent that Eva and I are members of the mutual admiration society so I am not gonna call for a group hug but I would like to say Thank-You in a “public” way.
Thank you Eva,
You and Dave ROCK!
Jeff
