(Caution- The following is strictly satire. There is no such convention. Any similarity between the names on this post and real people are purely coincidental).
(We will now take a peek inside of the annual Liberal Bush Bashing convention which takes place each year, and several times during the year. And actually every chance that they get! Last years Bush Bashing champion and grand puba “Lumpy” will soon address a full house)
(The lights come on as noise and chatter fill a smoke free room where posters of John Kerry, Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton drape the walls-As always Rush Limbaugh dart boards are for sale in the lobby)
(RightSideUp Runs to pull the Chair out for Kuri…and fills his glass with ice cold water)
RightSideUp: (steps on kuris foot by accident) "You want I should run get you a sandwich kuri? I’ll make it myself…I will.
Kuri: “Naw…(leans over and whispers in his ear) get the hell out of my way, or you will never attend another convention again BOY”
RightSideUp: “yes sir.” (RSU quickly runs to the back of the convention center to take his seat with the other lackeys. He notices that he has crapped himself, but not enough where anyone would notice, he thinks, so he just takes his seat…those next to him seem to notice, but say nothing as they lean in the other direction)
kuri: “Mr. Chairman I want to open this convention with a prayer however as a Ultra left wing Liberal atheist I know that there is no God, therefore I bow to Ted Kennedys picture to my left and forward my remaining time to my fellow Bush Bashing Liberal icon, Roy Batty, who by the way has never touched a Barbell in his life…oops,(leans away from the microphone and whispers to someone)…I should not have said that huh?”
Roy Batty: (mildly upset over kuris comment) "Thank you um…kuri…it may be true that I have never touched a barbell in my entire life, but that is not a prerequisite for Bush Bashing (he smiles broadly to thunderous applause from the gallery). After all any nut with a keyboard can Bush Bash…I think I have proven that…err well you know what I mean.
Look…I just want to state that President Bush is a war criminal and should be tried as such! (more applause). He is no good…he is a liar…he is a cheat…And worst of all…he is a former drunk! And as you know we love to accept anyone who has given up a vice such as drugs or booze for a better lifestyle, but we will never accept a prominent republican who does this! (Crowd is on their feet applauding). Did I mention that Bush was also a liar? (crowd responds ‘YES’). Oh…well he is…
(Roy Batty continues): And how about those hateful rightwingers? We hate those bastards don’t we? How dare they try to tell us that homosexuals should not be married? I say down with family values. Where did they ever get us anyway I ask you? (crowd responds ‘NO WHERE’) Right! And what are we going to do as died in the wool Bush Bashing Liberals? (Crowd responds several different things…unintelligible…as they begin to look at each other confused) NO NO Listen to me…repeat after me…we are going to tear down family values! (Crowd responds repeatedly: TEAR THEM DOWN…TEAR THEM DOWN) Right…oops…I mean LEFT…LEFT…um no…I mean CORRECT! now you have it…
Vroom: "Mr. Chairman as the delegate from Canada I want to introduce the possibility of moving to Socialism as an answer to Americas problems. We who have lived in Canada know the value of a governmental response to…um…to EVERYTHING! (crowd applauds). National Health Insurance is the answer and we all know that Bush is against this…and he is evil!
(RightSideUp Squirms in his seat as the poop begins to take its toll)
RightSideUp: “Yes Nationalize Health Insurance…let those rich bastards pay through the nose…we deserve it. Anyone who makes over 40-K should pay for my health insurance.” (A bystander leans over to RSU while squeezing nose firmly between thumb and forefinger and reminds him that those making that amount of money are not wealthy…RSU in turn reminds them that compared to what he makes they might as well be Bill Gates!)
eeh3: (raises his hand) “I have a comment oh honorable and beloved vroom.”
Vroom: “Yes…what is it?”
eeh3: “That does not make sense.”
(Roy Batty quickly steps up to the microphone)
Roy Batty: “We don’t have to make sense we are liberals! (crowd sounds approval). All we have to do is seeth with anger. Twist some facts while filling them with hate…Oh yes… and call those who support the President ‘Bushys’ which we hope will label and isolate them in order to silence them…smart huh?”
(Roy Batty seems very pleased with himself as he retakes his seat)
eeh3: “But how will the government run a health care program? Wouldn’t that cost into the billions and create a whole new bureaucracy?”
(A hush falls over the convention center…silence fills the room as they all look at eeh3 stone faced)
Eeh3: (Stands…looks around at the crowd then a broad smile spreads across his entire face) KIDDDING…YOU KNOW HOW WE LOVE BIG GOVERNMENT. GOTCHA!
(laughter fills the convention center as a sigh of relief is felt by all)
(RightSideUp laughs hysterically as he bites his right index finger and rocks back and forth. He seemingly tries, perhaps unconciously, to force the cold poop back into his butt. He only makes a worse mess. The party seated next to him simply gets up and leaves)
(Roy Batty pounds the gavel to restore order to the covention center)
Roy Batty: "It is now time to bring to the dais our founder, leader, hero, grand Puba one hell of a Bush Basher…LUMPY! (The band plays a song by Bono as Lumpy takes the stage).
Lumpy: "fellow Bush Bashers, friends of fellow Bush Bashers…those who have occasionally bashed Bush…(he wants to be inclusive) anyone who has ever said a bad word about the President…anyone who has ever said a bad word about the first President Bush…anyone who has ever thought something bad about the President. (the crowd is getting a little restless). Anyone who has ever known anyone who has ever thought a hateful thing about President Bush…(he finally ends his opening).
It is for this reason we are gathered here today. Not to build up…not to be productive…not to make things better…NO! We are here to BASH! (the crowd is now applauding wildly). And bash we will…Let me state categorically that as an open minded love filled free spirit and liberal…that I HATE PRESIDENT BUSH AND WISH THE WORST FOR HIM AND HIS FAMILY…um…and his dog too!
(The crowd is on their feet there is not a dry eye in the house-he has really touched their hearts with his words).
(RightSideUp is now sitting there crying with happiness, as he sits alone pants full of poop…all wide eyed and seeing the world through rose colored glasses. He still has his right index finger in his mouth)
Lumpy: “As I bring this convention to a close I want to make sure that everyone knows how to respond just in case the war in Iraq does have a happy ending…(crowd boos). No No I am not saying that things will work out…In fact I BET THEY DON’T.” (Crowd applauds). But I wanted to makes sure that if things did not go our way that you had some good talking points.
First of all if they find any weapons of mass destruction as I thought they were going to recently, phew… make sure that you immediately move to the fact that they were never used on us! (crowd nods). And we had no right to invade such a peaceful, sovereign nation as Iraq.
I know Saddam threatened to kill the first President Bush…so you see Iraq was a good nation! I know that they broke United Nations mandates…but so what? You didn’t see France gettting all bent out of shape over it! (The crowd is now on their feet and and chanting: FRANCE…FRANCE…FRANCE…Lumpy knows how to work the crowd with special buzz words like ‘France’).
(Elkhntr1 moves to the chair where RightSideUp is sitting by himself. There are many empty chairs all around him)
Elkhntr1: “Come on pal let me help you to the rest room.”
RightSideUp: “No I don’t want to miss any of this…and soon I think they will let me talk. I will then be able to echo all of the thougts of my most liberal professors…I WON’T LEAVE POOP BE DAMMED!”
Elkhntr1: “Not much of a chance of you being able to speak. They know you are full of crap by now!..Please let me guide you to the mens room…quite frankly you have a very foul odor which is starting to fill this room.”
RightSideUp: “No I won’t leave I tell you.” (He is now clinging to his chair…still sucking on his right index finger. The Elkhntr1 gives up and walks away…as even more people leave the stench filled area).
(Lumpy continues)"Furthermore, even though there is proof that they harbored and backed terrorists, that is being played down by our…media (he winks at the CNN and NY Times representatives. So…no problem there!
Now onto a more troubling matter…the economy looks like it is getting better (more booing from the crowd). We don’t want that do we? (Crowd shouts- NO…NO …NO DOWN WITH THE ECONOMY). I say fire your paper boy…um…don’t buy groceries for a week…Oh…I don’t know…(Both Lumpy and the crowd seem a tad confused).
(Lumpy continues): This is a more troubling matter because as the economy improves people may be inclined to vote for …I hate to say his name in this context…B…B…Bush. Did I tell you that I hate Bush? And furthermore…(Lumpy suddenly gets an odd look on his face as he rubs forefinger and thumb on his nostrils) He leaves the podium to consult privately with his top lieutenants) What is that smell?
kuri: Mr. Chairman I think I scared RightSideUp earlier and he has filled his pants…again.
Lumpy: Remove him from the convention center…No wait…one of our own can do no wrong…we all know that…send Elkhntr1 out to buy some close pins for our noses…He has not done enough for the cause lately.
(the crowd begins to leave as the overwhelming stench from RightSideUps pants is just to much to overcome)
Lumpy: “Wait where is everyone going…the party can’t be over.”
Roy Batty: “I will try to stop them with my liberal wit and wisdom if you like.”
Lumpy: "No we tried that when we were a younger party and it didn’t work! Let’s just continue the hateful lies…well you know …um like we always do. Just tell them that there is a rat in the ventilation system and his name is Bush and we are working to get him out!
kuri: “but we use that one every year …when RightSideUp craps his pants…they won’t fall for that same lie again.”
Lumpy: "Sure they will it’s not what you say but how many times you say it that counts! After all a lie repeated enough will eventually be accepted as the truth! what is a lie anyway…(he winks at his comrades).
(They all nod knowingly as they realize that there is always hope for those who truly dedicate their time and energy to misleading others. They retain there hope of keeping others spellbound with their rancorous misleading speeches).
(It seems however that this time it’s just to late…they have been found out…the crowd leaves dismayed. Even the faithful know when something smells, and they have had enough! They now know they have been lied to year after year…and they have turned on their former leaders and their misleading words…)
(The light fades to black on the convention center as their hopes are dashed. Will there even be another convention?)
