Blindsided

Off Topic
21

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]MinusTheColon wrote:
Also, just take anyone who has any input about your feelings and point of view with a grain of salt unless they’ve been there. I’m sure there are e-tough guys on these boards (etc.) who will tell you to stop wallowing, etc. They have no idea what going through this type of thing is like.[/quote]

yes, I’m sure no one has lost a woman they have cared about or have had a life altering illness before…

[/quote]

None of my comments had to do with his significant other, and I would submit that those issues are symptomatic of the larger issue of having that type of health event.

And no, I do not think that many people have suffered a life-altering, debilitating medical event in their mid-20s immediately after having finally set themselves on the path to making a life for themselves. And I do not think that people who have not gone through that have much of a perspective to contribute regarding it. Positive thoughts and such are nice, but practical advice or telling someone to just learn to deal isn’t very meaningful coming from someone who hasn’t been there.

22

[quote]MinusTheColon wrote:

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]MinusTheColon wrote:
Also, just take anyone who has any input about your feelings and point of view with a grain of salt unless they’ve been there. I’m sure there are e-tough guys on these boards (etc.) who will tell you to stop wallowing, etc. They have no idea what going through this type of thing is like.[/quote]

yes, I’m sure no one has lost a woman they have cared about or have had a life altering illness before…

[/quote]

None of my comments had to do with his significant other, and I would submit that those issues are symptomatic of the larger issue of having that type of health event.[/quote]

Considering the generalization that which is your comment I quoted, how is one to reasonably assume that his love life losses weren’t to be included in your sage wisdom to ignore any perspectives that don’t fit your preconceived bias?

So debilitating medical events in childhood, teen years or god-forbid in your 30’s 40’s disqualify one from having a valid opinion on dealing with struggles due to illness?

Okay, good to know.

Why?

So if I have a broken leg, I need to find a doctor that too has suffered a broken leg to get it fixed?

Does the event that qualifies one to have an opinion in your world have to be strictly apples to apples comparison? Could, let’s say, a Vet returning from war that is working through their PTSD not have some sage advice for this young man about how to deal with a significant health issue?

Well, considering that is the only actual and true option any of us has, learn to deal, I’d say this statement is pretty much false as written. Someone who has been through it may word “learn to deal” significantly more eloquently than one who hasn’t, and offer much more detailed advice, but the basic message is the same.

Look I don’t have as much of a problem with the notion you appear to be trying to make here as I do the tone and way you are presenting it. You make it seem like there is some magic formula that only people in your situation know. Like there is some cheat code that just helps you win the game. Because the fact of the matter is there isn’t any magic wisdom you or anyone has irrelevant of what you’ve been through. You have what helped YOU in a similar situation, which might actually end up being no help to OP.

So while yes, people that have suffered in similar manner will likely have more empathy, and a better perspective when it comes to understanding, which in turn leads to much better communication, to put a stigma on outside influence is pretty short sighted and stupid actually.

You can’t tell someone searching for their moment of clarity to close their eyes half the time. Your concerns here would be much more constructive directed at those giving advice, not those receiving.

23

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
a good post[quote]

I’ll be honest here, didn’t expect that post from you, and I’m pleasantly surprised.

Maybe could have been worded a bit softer, but as someone that hates bullshit and coddling myself, it was good.

24

Thanks for all the no bullshit replies they really helped.

The heart attack was a shock (but my heart is recovering very well). The girlfriend bullshit has hit me so hard though because I believed (Innocently) that we would be forever. I suppose my naivety allowed me to believe that we were soul-mates and nothing could come between us which is what she always said to me. Looking back I can see loads of red flags that I blissfully brushed over to my own detriment.

I’m positive about my recovery and looking forward to starting rehab and getting a job in my profession. It’s just my whole future was built around the two of us, I want kids, I want a woman who would support me as much as I would support her and I thought this girl was it, I would have died for her and very nearly did. Now when I look to the future it looks empty and bleak.

I’m a confident bloke and I love my own space and alone time but now I’ve had a taste of love (what I thought was love) and companionship I’m terrified I’m never going to find it again… I don’t like sleeping around, I want someone who’s my best friend as well as my lover and at the moment the thought of that being another woman saddens me even though my ex has treated me like a pile of dog shit.

By all intents and purposes I should be dead.

I will bounce back from this just like I’m bouncing back from the heart attack.
I’ve sent all of her stuff back to her, deleted and thrown away all pictures and anything relating to her. Chucked out all of our trinkets and memories, deleted her numbers, blocked her and her whole family off Facebook.

I need to cut her out and cauterise the wound, “trade her back in” so to speak.

I’m going to focus on rebuilding my shattered self esteem.

Although a very subjective question… for those who have experienced heartbreak; How long does it take for this pain to go away? I would honestly choose the pain of the heart attack over this.

25

[quote]2busy wrote:
It took me 25 years and nine kids to learn that lesson about my ex.

[/quote]

Holy crap. Now your handle makes sense.

26

[quote]pgtips wrote:
for those who have experienced heartbreak; How long does it take for this pain to go away? I would honestly choose the pain of the heart attack over this.
[/quote]

Depends, man. I’ve had my heart broken a few times. Sometimes I still feel a little shitty when thinking about it, sometimes I don’t (I’m talking it’s been years and years). But, one thing that definitely helps immensely is moving forward with YOUR life. Moving forward with the things you want to do to achieve and accomplish the goals you set for yourself. Focusing on those things, all the other bullshit tends to fall into place and the heartbreak just fades away and you don’t notice as it fades.

27

[quote]pgtips wrote:
Thanks for all the no bullshit replies they really helped.

The heart attack was a shock (but my heart is recovering very well). The girlfriend bullshit has hit me so hard though because I believed (Innocently) that we would be forever. I suppose my naivety allowed me to believe that we were soul-mates and nothing could come between us which is what she always said to me. Looking back I can see loads of red flags that I blissfully brushed over to my own detriment.

I’m positive about my recovery and looking forward to starting rehab and getting a job in my profession. It’s just my whole future was built around the two of us, I want kids, I want a woman who would support me as much as I would support her and I thought this girl was it, I would have died for her and very nearly did. Now when I look to the future it looks empty and bleak.

I’m a confident bloke and I love my own space and alone time but now I’ve had a taste of love (what I thought was love) and companionship I’m terrified I’m never going to find it again… I don’t like sleeping around, I want someone who’s my best friend as well as my lover and at the moment the thought of that being another woman saddens me even though my ex has treated me like a pile of dog shit.

By all intents and purposes I should be dead.

I will bounce back from this just like I’m bouncing back from the heart attack.
I’ve sent all of her stuff back to her, deleted and thrown away all pictures and anything relating to her. Chucked out all of our trinkets and memories, deleted her numbers, blocked her and her whole family off Facebook.

I need to cut her out and cauterise the wound, “trade her back in” so to speak.

I’m going to focus on rebuilding my shattered self esteem.

Although a very subjective question… for those who have experienced heartbreak; How long does it take for this pain to go away? I would honestly choose the pain of the heart attack over this.
[/quote]

You’re on the right path man. And don’t worry about meeting people better than her. From what you’ve described, there are TONS of options waiting for you when you’re ready.

Towards the end of college, I had been with the same girl for two years and thought I was completely in love. She went off to law school and dumped me, which was nearly unbearable and wrecked me for some time. It didn’t take too long, though, to realize that she was a complete and utter stuck-up bitch and that she did me a huge favor.

Met my now-wife three days after turning 30 and that’s when the good stuff started to happen. Been married 10 years and have two incredible boys now.

You’re very young (not an insult at all) and have plenty of time to figure life out. Concentrate on getting healthy and the rest will fall into place.

28

Every once in awhile I’m reminded of a girl from my past. I remember some of the good times, and miss her for a few seconds. And then I remember why we’re no longer together and the reminiscing stops.

Honestly, it sounds like your ex may have just made a mistake and she might just need to grow up a bit. She may actually be the same great girl you thought she was, and you weren’t deceiving yourself, and just needs to figure some things out.

That said, I think you’ve made the right choice of cutting off all contact with her, and moving forward. Once you’ve re-established yourself and had time to process everything, you’ll be in a better position to judge whether you even want the possibility of her back in your life again.

Several years back, I was rushed to the ER and then spent the night because they thought I was having a stroke. I had severe vertigo to the point I couldn’t stand, lay still on a bed or even look at anything, and some significant memory issues. My memory got really spotty, and I had trouble being able to place even the events of the last 10 minutes into proper sequence. Now it turns out it was due to a severe sinus infection and not a stroke, but for the first 15+ hours, I had no idea.

I was sitting in a hospital bed, scared that I had a stroke (which is all the doctors were talking about at that point), and I couldn’t get a hold of my girlfriend. I tried all the channels, left messages, nothing. I couldn’t get a hold of her for the next few days either. Now, there were several outside influences, and there was a very good reason I couldn’t get a hold of her, but it took a very long time for me to get over how betrayed I felt, and how I felt I couldn’t trust her again. As in, those couple days of her not being there when I needed her took me 3 or 4 years to get over, even though she managed to prove herself time and time again after that point.

I don’t have any doubts now, but it just took a lot of time. If you do eventually go down that path and reunite with her, make sure you’ve taken the time to process things. Those latent feelings can be just as toxic in the future as her betrayal has been in the present. For that matter, you’re probably going to be hypersensitive to anything that might possibly be a sign of betrayal, with any girl you date. Just be careful you don’t treat her (generic her) unfairly because of it.

29

[quote]Tyler23 wrote:

[quote]2busy wrote:
It took me 25 years and nine kids to learn that lesson about my ex.

[/quote]

Holy crap. Now your handle makes sense.[/quote]

Lol, thanks.

I had a moment of enlightenment when I was trying to create a name for here.

30

There has been some really good posts so far on page two so I’m going to focus on a few specific things, seeing as your second post here confirmed my initial suspicions.

(There are good posts on page one as well. Not intending to knock that with the above.)

[quote]pgtips wrote:
because I believed (Innocently) [/quote]

Of course you did, as we all do. This is nothing to be ashamed of, in fact it’s the whole fucking point man. This is what you’re supposed to do.

Look, the cold and harsh truth of life is you can never, and I mean NEVER count on anyone to care about you as much as you care about yourself. Not your chick, not your wife, not even your parents. In fact only the luckiest among us have someone who puts us as number 2. This is the truth, it’s cold, harsh and hard to swallow. But it’s human nature.

Here’s the deal though. You have choices.

You can choose to take in this fact and become a cold and calculated achiever. Someone that will stop at nothing to make sure they take of themselves, and anyone willing to come along for the ride will be taken care of too. This will prevent you from feeling heartbreak ever again. It will insulate you from the pain of love and trust. But it’s lonely. You’ll be alone 24/7, even in a crowd of people, or surround by family and friends you’ll feel forever alone. But, no one will be able to hurt you ever again.

You can also choose faith. You can choose to have faith that if you choose those you love and trust carefully, and give them the best you can, they will return the best they can. You can have faith that there are people out there that love and all they want in return for the beautiful gift of love is your love in return. Shit your kids will love you even if you shit on them, but that is a different post…

But the second choice leaves you open to hurt, to pain and to devastation. You’ll be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is terrifying. But, you’ll never love until you are vulnerable. Literally the only god damn thing you’ll have is faith in another imperfect human. And, yes there is an and, you’ll have the knowledge you gave it everything you had, and if it doesn’t work, either it’s on the other person, or it plain wasn’t meant to be.

One can’t half ass love. It’s either all in, or you’re lying to yourself. Being all in is vulnerable. If you aren’t vulnerable and thing you’re in love, you are full of shit and lying to yourself. But, and it’s cheesy as hell but true, it is infinitely better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

Humans are a fucked species man. Unpredictable and easily broken. But, they are also capable of some of the most beautiful things reason and perception can comprehend. Don’t deny yourself the later because of the former. Experiencing beauty is worth every level of hell you have to cross, even if just for that fleeting moment it is there. I promise.

Look, you’re fine.

I know no one in the midst of grieving and sadness wants to hear that, but it’s the truth. You’re certainly hurting, and doing a decent job of beating yourself up about this, but end of the day, you’re good.

You’re “normal people” sad, you’re “normal people” hurt by this chick, and your perception of ill placed love. So don’t be afraid of being sad, don’t be afraid of letting go. You may feel the shittest you’ve ever felt, but you’re supposed to lol. You gave everything you had for someone and got back much less than you deserved. You’re supposed to feel the way you do.

Feel your loss man. Learn it. It’s only going to make your next win that much sweeter.

[quote] I’m terrified

By all intents and purposes I should be dead.

I will bounce back

I’m going to focus on rebuilding [/quote]

Here. I’ve cut this portion down to the important parts.

[quote]How long does it take for this pain to go away?
[/quote]

Depends on how full of shit you are. Everyone is full of shit to some degree. the more someone protests they aren’t the higher on the “full of shit scale” they are.

If you’re lying to yourself (full of shit) about how much you cared about her and your partnership, the less the time it will take to stop hurting. If it was true love, you’ll never stop hurting, from time to time from it.

Think about it from a child/parent perspective. If your parents never loved you back, you’ll hurt about that forever. Even if you lie to yourself that it doesn’t hurt you, you know deep down it does…

The key here is to see the hope in it all. If it hurts forever you can see it as a loss forever, or you can see the hope in the fact you’ve known love, which means you can know it again.

It’s more about how you deal with the pain, than the pain itself, whether it be intensity or duration.

31

Wow, Thanks for all of these replies to the thread, they have all been so helpful.

I posted this thread a while ago and I think I’ve saddled up and am riding out of the other side of this shitstorm. I still hurt like hell and still wish none of this had happened (the break up more than the heart attack). I’ll give an update on my situation as it currently is in case anyone is interested.

Saw my cardiologist last week and he said apart from being a “Pain in the arse”, he currently doesn’t consider me a heart failure patient but he is upping all of my drugs as a protective measure due to my young age and the mileage I’ve yet to cover in a bid to reduce the risk of developing heart failure as I age.

He said his aim is to get me back to doing strenuous exercise and into work in my chosen field.

He also said he sees me living to old age and said my fears of eventually starting a family are misplaced. I just need to get back into the real world, and maybe I’ll meet the right person, maybe I won’t.

I may still need to receive an ICD and possibly have a CABG (I should know within the next few months) but I can handle that, the physical side doesn’t bother me.

I’m still not to exercise and I am not aloud to look for work yet but I can see these things in the future.

I’m starting to see all of this crap in a more positive light and everyday I feel I am becoming a stronger man than I was before. I’m still full of shit and I still sting from my wounds but they will heal.

Thanks for all the wise words.

32

Glad to hear things are starting to look up. Just keep your head up and keep moving forward. When you’re going through shit, you may as well hydroplane.

All the best.

33

[quote]batman730 wrote:
Glad to hear things are starting to look up. Just keep your head up and keep moving forward. When you’re going through shit, you may as well hydroplane.

All the best.[/quote]

Haha, I like that. Hydroplane I will :wink:

34

Awesome to hear that you’re doing better.

You seem like a strong dude. Suffering heart break in 2 ways at the same time and making one look like it’s nothing special because of the other one that you’ll look back on in a matter of months (possibly weeks) as a learning experience and laugh about it.

I think the way your chick handled it should be looked at as a real eye-opening experience.

In one of your posts, you basically described some (what I perceived as) bad traits she exhibited that you overlooked because you love(d) her. It’s not bad that you love(d) her, I say it’s a good thing. Don’t put yourself down for putting yourself out there. Beans worded it beautifully, you can’t truly love someone if you don’t put yourself out there. If you’re always guarded and holding back, then you and your significant other will suffer and it can’t be 100% true, which makes it false. Even if you have good intentions.

And denial can be very strong, to me the person who can recognize themselves being in denial the quickest is the one who can grow the quickest. For some people, it’s damn near to impossible to realize how much denial they’re in.

This will give you a new perspective to life and dating. You may not have it, now, but once your head has completely cleared and you’ve gone through the healing process (which takes a different amount of time for everyone, don’t rush it let it sink in and go through the motions, I say), you’ll have a deeper understanding than you ever could. I think this experience will make you much stronger mentally and emotionally once it’s all said and done (which will in turn help you build up and make yourself much physically stronger than you could have been, since mental strength leads to the highest level of physical strength/achievement in my opinion).

You already know what you’re looking for and you have rare experience that makes you uniquely able to make sure you’re able to find it now. You’ll be able to sniff out the ones that don’t match up more quickly and waste less time. You won’t let love cloud your judgement. You’ll be able to see the bigger picture in a way that may have taken you decades to see had this not happened to you.

I say just sit back, learn a new language or something, catch up on some video games, familiarize yourself with lumosity, gaze into the clouds a little, think about what you really want to do, then hit the ground running (controlled, smart running) when you can finally get back on your feet and make real moves.

Stay strong

35

[quote]TDub301 wrote:
Awesome to hear that you’re doing better.

You seem like a strong dude. Suffering heart break in 2 ways at the same time and making one look like it’s nothing special because of the other one that you’ll look back on in a matter of months (possibly weeks) as a learning experience and laugh about it.

I think the way your chick handled it should be looked at as a real eye-opening experience.

In one of your posts, you basically described some (what I perceived as) bad traits she exhibited that you overlooked because you love(d) her. It’s not bad that you love(d) her, I say it’s a good thing. Don’t put yourself down for putting yourself out there. Beans worded it beautifully, you can’t truly love someone if you don’t put yourself out there. If you’re always guarded and holding back, then you and your significant other will suffer and it can’t be 100% true, which makes it false. Even if you have good intentions.

And denial can be very strong, to me the person who can recognize themselves being in denial the quickest is the one who can grow the quickest. For some people, it’s damn near to impossible to realize how much denial they’re in.

This will give you a new perspective to life and dating. You may not have it, now, but once your head has completely cleared and you’ve gone through the healing process (which takes a different amount of time for everyone, don’t rush it let it sink in and go through the motions, I say), you’ll have a deeper understanding than you ever could. I think this experience will make you much stronger mentally and emotionally once it’s all said and done (which will in turn help you build up and make yourself much physically stronger than you could have been, since mental strength leads to the highest level of physical strength/achievement in my opinion).

You already know what you’re looking for and you have rare experience that makes you uniquely able to make sure you’re able to find it now. You’ll be able to sniff out the ones that don’t match up more quickly and waste less time. You won’t let love cloud your judgement. You’ll be able to see the bigger picture in a way that may have taken you decades to see had this not happened to you.

I say just sit back, learn a new language or something, catch up on some video games, familiarize yourself with lumosity, gaze into the clouds a little, think about what you really want to do, then hit the ground running (controlled, smart running) when you can finally get back on your feet and make real moves.

Stay strong

[/quote]

Thanks man :slight_smile: I think you’re right, I am going to grow from this, in fact I think I’m already growing and looking back and realising what a shitty relationship it was to be honest; it was completely one sided.

I suppose mistakes have to be made else nothings ever going to be learned!

On the side of the heart, that is not going to stop me living life, in fact its going to be a constant reminder to live my life, I’m lucky enough to have got a second chance so I’m not going to waste it.

36

The biggest frustrations & heartbreaks in my life, all some how were stuff that led me in much more of a better direction (so ridiculous as if they were planned in detail by something spiritually greater) and i’m glad that they happened.

Only thing is i’ve realized them once they stop hurting & having a control over me. I believe if you observe close enough, you might have your ‘‘AHA’’ moment one day too.

Best Wishes.

37

[quote]MinusTheColon wrote:
Wake up one morning last year, extremely distended abdomen, intense pain. It was 2:15am, I’d been up to midnight working on a deal. Never been to the ER in my life. Knew I needed to go.

In hospital for three weeks, almost entire colon removed. Contracted C.Diff during. Thought I knew what pain was before: it was absolute hell. If someone had put a pistol by my hospital bed, I honest to God would have ended it. Still today, if I had to repeat the experience, I would just end it. [/quote]

If you don’t mind me asking, toxic megacolon w/ PSC? If so, that’s rough dude. Glad you made it through though because that can be deadly.

38

Hey OP,

You’ve received some great advice and you seem to be handling everything really well. Sounds like your ex has a lot of issues she needs to work out. She sounds like she might be borderline. To echo the general sentiment, you probably dodged a bullet on that one. If she has BPD, you’re actually very lucky you got out as easily as you did.

If you can’t resume physical activities for awhile, now’s the time to pick up some less physical hobbies that you’ve always been interested in, but never pursued. Learning guitar, cooking, interior decorating, it doesn’t matter as long as it’s something productive that makes you feel good. As a bonus, when you meet the next love of your life and she wakes up to hear beautiful music playing, smell fresh pancakes, and see that you’ve feng shui’d the shit out of her place, there’s no way she’s going to dump you!

39

[quote]Apoklyps wrote:
Hey OP,

You’ve received some great advice and you seem to be handling everything really well. Sounds like your ex has a lot of issues she needs to work out. She sounds like she might be borderline. To echo the general sentiment, you probably dodged a bullet on that one. If she has BPD, you’re actually very lucky you got out as easily as you did.

If you can’t resume physical activities for awhile, now’s the time to pick up some less physical hobbies that you’ve always been interested in, but never pursued. Learning guitar, cooking, interior decorating, it doesn’t matter as long as it’s something productive that makes you feel good. As a bonus, when you meet the next love of your life and she wakes up to hear beautiful music playing, smell fresh pancakes, and see that you’ve feng shui’d the shit out of her place, there’s no way she’s going to dump you![/quote]

Thanks man :slight_smile: I am a lucky git now I have had some time and distance from her. Looking back I have dodged bullets like Neo.

Since my physical hobbies have been put on hold I’ve started knife making ready for when I can go hiking again, decided I’m gonna teach myself some bush-craft.

40

My cardiologist phoned me today, they are going to have a multidisciplinary meeting to decide my future R.E. surgical intervention, I may still need a CABG due to my shitty dilated LAD and an ICD if the scar burden is high, but I might not. Either way, I don’t give a shit, I’m alive and obviously a tough mother-fucker to kill.

My most recent MRI shows an EF of 60% which brings me out of CHF markers and I’m only on low dose Beta blockers and ACE inhibitors.

He has cleared me for mild - moderate exercise, said I can start C25K but to avoid weights for the time being. Did day one of C25K about 30 mins ago ad it felt brilliant, it was hard to no pack that in and do some HIIT sprints but I will stay disciplined and do as he says.

His target is to get me back to vigourous exercise.

At this point I will be over the moon if I can get back to hiking, running and bodyweight exercises.

Life is looking up and looking back I’m happy to have had this happen to me, I feel like I have been tempered into something better able to deal with the punches life throws.