##14/11/16
Yoke Stand Ups
150kgs x3x10
Farmer’s Deadlift
50kgs per hand x3x10
Yoke
190kgs x15m
230kgs x15m
Squat
60kgs x1
100kgs x1
Power Snatch
40kgs x1
50kgs x2x1
I don’t consider this training, just doing half assed shit while looking at the juniors train. As y’all can probably tell, not really in the mood to train so… I’ll sort it out eventually.
##16/11/16
Farmer’s Deadlift
10kgs per hand x5
30kgs per hand x5
50kgs per hand x5
70kgs per hand x5
80kgs per hand x1
100kgs per hand x1
110kgs per hand x0
Deadlift
saw 140kgs lying around and picked it up, hookgrip, for one rep
Well… Still feeling… This. Restless. Irritable. The word to describe it would be indifference. Been having random migraines for the past couple of days. Went to the doctor’s to get some painkillers and asked if I should get a referral to a mental health specialist. She, an older lady in her 50s(?), was dismissive to say the least.
On my random temper outbursts…
“Young people need to learn to control their temper.”
On my messed up sleep schedule, sometimes 2-3 hours(lying on bed for over 4 hours, unable to sleep) whereas other times 10-14 hours at a go…
“Young people nowadays sleep weird weird one, you probably just need to sleep more.”
On my supposed symptoms fitting everything and I mean everything on the checklist
“Don’t read those internet articles, all rubbish.”
https://www.imh.com.sg/wellness/page.aspx?id=554
this checklist right here
could cite a few other examples but point is, she was just way too dismissive. Should probably reschedule the councillor appointment.
If any of y’all reading this have experiences with mental health problems etc and don’t mind speaking up, I would like to have some input. Though I suspect most of it will just boil down to, go see a professional, which I am going to by the way haha.
Depression sucks man. I have been afflicted by it as long as I can remember, I have been to a few different doctors and prescribed a few different anti-depressants. Never been to a therapist, i probably should, I just hate doctors/talking about things, generally. My sister, who essentially has the same reactions and symptoms as I do was diagnosed as bipolar earlier this year, I don’t really want to find that out.
I don’t have any long term solutions, still working on those. The key for me on a day-to-day basis is to stay busy, I am significantly less noticeably depressed if I am doing something all the time, thinking is my main problem, it always leads down a negative path. If I am not working I am in the gym or reading or watching a movie or doing anything to keep my mind away from itself. Getting outside and interacting with people can help at times too.
I don’t know if that was helpful but you aren’t alone. A lot of people, guys who lift weights included, need help, it is nothing to be ashamed of (it took me a long time to understand this) and going to a doctor who isn’t entirely dismissive of your issues (seriously, fuck that lady) should be on your short-list of things to do.
The most I’ve dealt with is very occasional bouts of anxiety.
From where I sit you’re doing everything right. You know yourself well enough, and it’s pretty obvious to you that there’s something wrong you can’t explain easily. You’ve accepted that and you’re doing something constructive to deal with it. Right now, that’s all you need to think about. See a counsellor, possibly a psychiatrist down the track. Take what they say on board and work with it. Same as with training, commit to the process and you’ll come through just fine.
Thanks for the responses guys. Oh and turns out I actually have an appointment in 2 hours with the counsellor that I don’t know about so at least I’ve got that tiny bit of convenience going for me now.
I have been diagnosed with serious depression and anxiety disorder. I hsve experience with both, anti depressants and psycho therapy.
Not long ago I made a post in the “off topic” section of the forum where I talk a little bit about what is and was going on with me.
I have come a very long way since I have hit rock bottom, which I did not believe in anymore at times.
If you would like to ask any questions about it, feel free to do so.
You definitely are taking the right steps at the moment! I waited way too long to seek help (profesional or not) and that has been my worst mistake.
Iron Bro, Singaporean Sibling:
I’d love to give you the long story, but I realize it’s your thread, so I will do the TL;DR version. I’ve always had anxiety and it caused depression, but I didn’t realize it until I was diagnosed last year at 52 years old, and it is a bitch, but manageable. I’ve found ways to deal with it and am happy to share if you want.
Curious to find out how your session with the counselor went. I suspect it’s an age/stage thing, dealing with the realities of life, which can be really depressing, but, are manageable.
Bottom line, I’ve been down this road and am willing to share. Whatever happens, you’re fine bro.
@Koestrizer Thanks for sharing and I’ll be sure to check out your post in the off topic section.
@The_Myth Thanks for sharing too and I’m totally cool with you sharing it here, that’s if you don’t mind spending the time to write it haha.
I’m actually kind of surprised at the number of people who might have said anxiety problems/bouts with depression on T-Nation.
As for how the counselling session went… As of right now, the counsellor do not think I have depression, which is good, I’m just at a high risk of depression. However, she does suspect that I have some sort of passive anxiety that has been building up over the years and it’s starting to show. Oh and of course the whole hormonal change at the age of 19 etc etc and this is the age you’re trying to find your identity as you’re entering adulthood. You know, the usual stuff. Just to list some of them down briefly some of the potential causes of stress over the years. Told the counsellor this things too.
In chronological order.
2009 November - Did below expectations for PSLE (primary school leaving expectations), parents pretty much gave up on me academically.
2010 Janurary - entered secondary school and it wasn’t too bad, everything was fine except for the fact that I couldn’t get a long with most of my peers who simply annoyed me greatly with their childish antics.
2010 December - Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer, apparently it was a highly aggressive one or something like that and he was the only other case in south east asia so that’s something.
2014 April - entered polytechnic, Diploma in Aeronautical Engineering, which is still what I’m taking right now and I absolutely hate the course but I decided I would just suck it up and finish it. Still doing it this very day.
2010 December to 2014 November - pretty much spend the entire time taking care of Dad so it was just school and Dad, 0 social life etc. Would be lying if I said I didn’t hold it against him at the start cause I was an immature piece of shit. Still feel bad about it now.
2014 November onwards - After dad died, it hit me pretty hard for a while but I just shrugged it off. Results took a dip though. Maybe shit just got harder but I went from a first semester gpa of 3.9 and it dropped to the point where my cumulative gpa is 2.2. Which means I had a few sub 2 gpas to drag it down that much.
2015 December - Mom got remarried, which I’m cool with by the way. Step dad is rich(ish) and nice enough to me.
2016 September - found out mom is pregnant with step dad’s child. found out I’ll be retaining a semester due to the school being a bitch over my timetable and one module I flunked by 2%.
2016 October - Got a serious girlfriend so that’s weird, been going out with a bunch of girls over the years but never had a serious girlfriend. That being said, I do somewhat miss being single.
2016 November - Mom’s pregnant with a boy so I’m going to be an older brother with a 20 year age gap… Started first counselling session.
Now that Mom has a kid on the way and to a smaller extent, serious girlfriend… I’ve been thinking quite a fair bit on whether I should still go overseas to study for university(since my results are too crappy for local universities) or sign on with the military as an officer.
Yeah, this about covers everything for now. This is more so for my own reference but I’m pretty open about this information so it’s cool. Might’ve left a couple of things out but that’s fine.
The counsellor told me to observe my behaviour and mood around various people/environment for this 2 weeks until our next appointment. She suspects that it might also be a environmental thing for me. She suspects the whole passive anxiety thing because I keep using the words “I should not _____ but _____” and when asked if I have a safe space to deal with my problems etc. I straight up told her. “No, I don’t deal with them. I just force them down and I don’t think about them.” On a plus side, it’s good that I’m visiting a professional this early on.
Brosky (this is what I call my kid, so don’t be offended):
Almost twenty years ago I took an inventory of major life events that might contribute to depression, and I had six major events; career change, divorce, move, something something something. According to the shrinks, those were major triggers.
I think you see where I am going with this.
My oldest brother suffered depression, crippling, he was basically homeless. His counselor, a Lutheran minister, told him that sometimes depression is an appropriate reaction to your situation in life.
You probably should be depressed, or at least angry. Bro, you got a lot of shit going on.
So I was a teacher in Sacramento California, had put my wife through med school, she was finishing up residency, and I had just become a teacher so I could stay home and take care of the kids we wanted to have. Except, she didn’t want to have them.
So, I moved to Florida and became a golf pro. Good move, right?
Except, I drank like a fish, got involved too quickly in another relationship, and lived like a pig.
I had a middle brother, who was my best friend, and one day I found him dead on the floor of his kitchen.
More beer, more spiral, no counseling, a few arrests.
My oldest brother got his shit together, and is now worth over ten million US.
I’m not that much of a success story. I teach, have two great kids, and see a counselor every week, and am on meds. It works for me.
You, my friend, have issues, and you need to deal with them. See a counselor. It’s okay.
My current wife sees it as a weakness. It’s not. It’s a strength, to seek and accept help is a strength.
You’re solid bro, you just had some shit happen and you may need help making sense of it, especially at your age.
I do not think you are depressed, I think you are overwhelmed, and you should be. Take a deep breath, it’s all good, and keep it moving.
If you want to talk, I’m spikefremont@aol.com
It’s a pseudonym, pen name.
Let those fuckers delete that, lol.
Sorry this is so rambling, I just wanted you to know how utterly normal you are.
I think @The_Myth is dead right as per usual. Given what you’ve been through I think your reaction is reasonable and proportionate.
You did well to seek help. That’s a huge step, and a very positive one. I can’t tell you how to deal with all this, but I can tell you you’re making the right choices so far.
If you’re on facebook, hit me up. Search Mark K E H R B and that should bring me up.
Thanks, really appreciate it. I’ll hit you up if I really need to. It’s funny cause I’m actually surprised people (on the Internet, what’s more) actually care. Hell, call me crazy but I would say I interact with y’all T-Nation folks more than most people I know irl.
Us barbell lifting folks are funny types that way.
You should remember @yogi’s “I love you man” post, lol. It was spot on. There’s something about the shared experience of being under the bar, don’t know what it is.
Seriously, I wan’t to go drink a Castlemaine with @MarkKO, eat some haggis and drink a proper pint with @yogi, do whatever it is @dt79 does wherever he is (although he has been curiously quiet), and be attacked by sarong song girls in Singapore with @Benanything.
That would be some trip, and frankly, I plan on making it happen before I die.
I can’t speak for the rest but come on, it can’t be that bad haha. mildly attractive asian women + alcohol = slighly more attractive asian women.
You let me know when @The_Myth and we’ll find some XXXX (which is what we call Castlemaine). Also some Bundaberg.
Don’t mean to hijack your thread Ben, but… feel free to tell me to take it elsewhere if you like.
Yep, think I may have mentioned this before, but my paternal grandfather was the Chief Petty Officer on the USS Enterprise in WWII, and he told us a story about bivouacking in Australia. Said they set up tents and headed into town to get some beers. Of course, silly Americans, used to Budweiser and Miller, didn’t know what they were getting into. They came back with a case or two of XXXX and the rain just came down in buckets, they were wet, cold, hungry, but after about four of the XXXX, he said they just didn’t give a shit.
I was about fifteen when he told the story. A few years later, my brothers and I had developed a taste for imported beer, and we knew of a store that carried a good selection, so we got a case of XXXX.
You should have seen the shit eating grin on my grandfather’s face.
My brother that passed spent a great deal of time in Australia, and I still have some of his ashes, and intend to spread them there, so, keep a few XXXX’s on ice, I’ll be there.
Oh no it’s fine, don’t worry about it.
I am so happy that you went and sought help on this dude. I gotta apologize for my silence on the matter, but the mind is such a delicate thing that I didn’t want to influence or negatively impact the process. Keep it up!
Now, why would you think that haha? I was going to ask you about Nihilism(existential nihiliism to be precise) though cause I’ve been having some qualms about religion or rather Christianity in my case. To elaborate further, I’ve never really believed in the whole concept of heaven or rather… I must be a good Christian so I’ll get into heaven. I’ve always thought of it as, I’m a good Christian, whether or not I get into heaven, it matters not. I’m Christian because I believe in he who saved me blah blah blah, you get the idea. Nowadays, I’ve been thinking more about it and honestly, no offense to devout Christians out there, the whole idea of Christianity sounds whack. I’ve always thought about them but I always brushed them aside thinking blind faith is enough. Now though, the more I think about it, the more I think its rather silly. Basically speaking, I’m having a tiny bit of a existential crisis.