Awkward Conversations

Off Topic
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Ever have a really, really fucked-up conversation with a store clerk, random person on the street, or common boxcar hobo? Please post it here.

I had one yesterday. My province of Ontario has mandatory car emission testing prior to allowing license plate registration, so I brought down my vehicle to the mechanic yesterday. What happened next is as follows…

Me: Hi, how are you? Just here to pick up the results of my emissions test.

Guy: “How are you?”?? I’ll tell you how I am - fking s*ty! Want to know why?

Me: Ok…

Guy: A wasp stung me in the eyeball at a backyard party this weekend. I’m not talking around the eye…I mean right in the f**king eyeball, right in the corneus!

Me: The cornea?

Guy: Ya whatever you call it, the fking eyeball! So I was rolling around on the grass for like ten minutes, and my buddy Hank goes to me he goes “wanna lie down inside?”. No fking way I was gonna lie down, I was gonna kill every last one of those bastards! Hank’s a welder so I asked him to go get his acetylene torch so I could blast them to extinction, but he goes to me “I’m all out of acetylene!”. What kind of welder is out of acetylene, answer me that!!

Me: I don’t know. Actually I have an appointment soon, so if I could just…

Guy: SO THEN, I call up Tim 'cause I know for a fact he’s got a f**kload of blowtorches, but his old lady answers the phone and she goes to me she goes “Tim’s passed out drunk on the lawn!”. Then I got like the best idea I’ve ever had, and ran into Hank’s garage. Wanna know how to burn-up a wasp nest?

Me: I don’t have a wasp problem, so…

Guy: WHAT YOU DO IS, get a can of WD-40, and a lighter! Spray a bit at the nest to soak it, and then what you do is see, once it’s spraying you take a lighter to the stream! It’s like napalm! One can gives you like 20 seconds of burning. Trust me, that’s more than you need. I made those wasps pay…ALL OF THEM.

Me: Thanks but I really need to get my emissions test…

Guy: Oh yeah, I’ve got the results right here. Your car did really well. In fact these are some of the lowest Carbon Monoxide readings I’ve ever seen. Guess you’ll have to run a different car in the garage if you want to kill yourself!

Me: OK, will do…

Guy: Times are tough man. This car won’t do the job, you need some old clunker that belches out monoxide

Me: I don’t want to kill myself. I like my life.

Guy: In case you change your mind, think late-model Chrysler…

Me: Thanks

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Fuck me that was funny.

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And I will steal that story and pull it on someone in the near future. Maybe the next time someone approaches me asking for money.

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[quote]Derek542 wrote:
Fuck me that was funny.[/quote]

All I wanted was the emissions sheet that would allow me to renew my plate. That’s ALL I wanted…and I got the above.

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That’s golden!

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hilar~

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I get stuff like that way too often. Crazy people go out of their way to tell me all sorts of very important tidbits of their lives.

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ALL My conversations with humanoids are awkward.

That was a gooder though PB5000!

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Not me

Never

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Canadians are like that…they’ll just start a conversation if you’re next to each other in line or at the next table at a coffee shop.

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^ And strangely, they usually end with one party insinuating that the other should kill themselves. Go figure.

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Check these sites out: -

They are full of stories like this

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I’m like Spock, pretty much all my conversations are awkward.

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[quote]on edge wrote:
I’m like Spock, pretty much all my conversations are awkward.[/quote]

Are you wearing pants?

You might start with wearing some.

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[quote]Derek542 wrote:

[quote]on edge wrote:
I’m like Spock, pretty much all my conversations are awkward.[/quote]

Are you wearing pants?

You might start with wearing some.[/quote]

Hahaha Actually during these hot summer months I often just wear boxers around the house. Or if I make a quick trip to the store… or if I’m heading over to a neighbors house… or a trip to the play structure with the kids… or to the BMX park with the kids… or anywhere there might happen to be moms.

My 20 year old nephew is embarrassed to be seen with me. It’s great.

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[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
I get stuff like that way too often. Crazy people go out of their way to tell me all sorts of very important tidbits of their lives.
[/quote]

That happens to me a lot too.

I think it may have to do with my face; it’s like a baby’s and people seem to feel Ok telling me all sorts of things.
How’s your face?

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I like to lean over to the guy next to me at the urinal and say: “Tight dick, bro.” and then wink.

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Me: hey wats up

Her: nothing

…awkward.