I think you look great - healthy and strong. I know that you want a leaner look, but your height is going to work against you, as you know. I will say that you don’t look as different from the pics you posted early in your college career as I know you feel you do. The only real difference is that now you look like you’ve got your anorexia under control.
I do sympathize with wanting to have the “ideal body,” as shoved down our throats from every direction for our entire lives, especially given your willingness to work hard. Each of us has to make peace with something. For me it was a long face, difficult curly hair, and boobs that felt out of proportion, especially when I was young, and brought a level and type of attention I found scary. Now I’ve got the vanity horror-show of aging. For acceptance, I find it helpful to lean into gratitude. At least I’m [xyz]. Or could be worse, I could be [xyz]. I also like to frame the good things I’ve been given as “unearned blessings.” That I like to exercise and that I prefer healthy foods are two of them. Not everyone comes as easily to these as I do.
You’re really pretty awesome in all sorts of ways, and your physique is one of them. I would love for you to be able to enjoy being you rather than perpetually worry that you’re not good enough.
I really enjoyed everything about your post, but this was the line that jumped out to me the most. This is something I try to emphasize in my own life and to others as well. Especially as it relates to nutrition, even during periods of intentionally forced restriction. It’s never “I have to eat this way”, but “I GET to eat this way”.
And we can even lean into gratitude in our failures as well. Whenever I see reports in this log about “giving into temptation” as it relates to food, it’s always meat, fruit and dairy. More than half the country would do well to make that the foundation of their lives. I’ve never seen a post here of “I gave into temptation and ate a family sized bag of flaming hot Cheetos”. When your “failures” are other peoples’ victories, you’re in a great spot.
What’s funny is that we have it all over the boards, women’s dissatisfaction over themselves. I’m complaining about my boobs being too big while other women pay to have theirs enlarged, and meanwhile @Dani_Shugart, whose body is perfection from my perspective, is over in the dexa thread calling herself Shrek.
In a fun loving way. Bodies are funny to me, and I’m at a point in life where I enjoy the heck outta mine, partially out of defiance toward the trend that you mentioned. Also, shrek is my favorite character out of all the kid movies.
@anna_5588 you are a healthy, fit woman and look the part too.
I know, and it was humorous. But we’re also taught that we have to self-deprecate so people won’t think we’re conceited. It’s all a total mindfuck, and I hate that young women spend so much precious time agonizing over themselves. Especially the diligent, hard working ones, like Anna, and I’m guessing you were and I was.
We tell kids their whole childhood to not be braggy, arrogant, conceited or show offs, and then they become adults and we sell them on programs to feel proud, confident, and self-assured. Nietzsche had some thoughts on this.
As did Jung. Society teaches us how to behave in order to get fed and loved, and then we become too successful wearing that mask and feel like an impostor.
Okay wow, so I meant to respond but kept procrastinating
thanks for the encouragement everyone
Maybe I’m going them wrong, but I tried adding them and they made my neck and traps feel really stiff the next day
I think part of this is the way I was brought up. The most consistent quote was “don’t compare yourself to those worse than you” (the Chinese phrase is more concise lol)
My parents did abandon this mindset after some incidents, but it’s kind of stuck.
I like to cling on to the things that made me feel competent, which is part of the reason why I work so hard in the gym and spend so much time thinking about cooking/practising knife skills
For me, aesthetics isn’t really about a social ideal, it’s about what the physique represents.
I gained weight because I couldn’t resist office eating. That demonstrates a lack of willpower.
if I’m being honest, i think a thin “Pilates girl” with lower muscle mass and higher bf percentage looks better than a fitness model with hard lines or a powerlifter with bulging muscular thighs. However, I’d much rather have the muscles because it takes work to build them.
I’ve also pretty much given up on “socially accepted” aesthetics because my face is a 5/10 irl and 2/10 in photos.
Training been going well. Can solidly hit 195 for sets of 5 now on squat and even accidentally did 215 for a double on accident lol. I managed to deadlift 305 for a decently easy single yesterday despite doing heavy deadlifts and lunges the day prior. I think I can do 325-335 when I test in early February.
nutrition has been pretty on track. Still fluctuating between 105-106 during morning weigh ins. It shouldn’t be too unrealistic to drop 2-3lbs of water for testing since it’s at most 3% of body weight. Maybe I’ll be in the 104s before then.
Life Updates
Work is going quite well. Finished a major data collection for the main project I’m helping with and have an idea that my PI thinks is interesting
I might be joining an industry focused project lead by the director of the centre funding my job if my PI approves. I am meeting with the director next week to discuss details.
I’m actually really proud of this because I got the offer to join the project basically purely by networking. The centre director hasn’t seen any of my work, but was impressed with my discussions of food and Russian history/culture during office lunch (I work in an office with the centre admin, not with the other full time RAs, because of space limitations)
One of my proudest accomplishments was being able to tell Paul that we read his book “Powerlifting Basics Texas Style” to my kid as a bedtime story. Which is ALSO a book I recommend EVERY lifter, regardless of goals, read at least once in their lives. I read it every year…and I think I’m about due to do so again.
Also, shrek is my favorite character out of all the kid movies.
