“In a dream I’m a different me/with a perfect you/we fit perfectly/and for once in my life I feel complete/and I still want to ruin it/afraid to look/as clear as day/this plan has long been underway”
It runs even deeper
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Gonna address a couple other things too:
It absolutely is muscle. You just spent 7 weeks focusing on cleans, presses and DB rack squats, all of which require your upper body to work overtime. This was also with incredible frequency and volume.
Or maybe it’s because you’ve spent 7 weeks trying to stabilize a DB in your hand?
Stop this shit. I appreciate that you’ve been largely adherent to the program, but doing stuff like this sabotages your ability to reap the FULL benefits of a program. Randomly doing 100 swings serves literally no purpose aside from mindless exercise.
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I’m on a rage roll here, and normally I’d refrain but God help me, I’m already typing.
Exercise/working out and training are completely different things. Training is “working out” with a specific end goal, which can be achievable and is finite. Working out is the shit you’ve been doing for ages now, which is just aimlessly wandering for the sake of it, usually with a vague goal of “getting lean” or “building muscle”.
Sometimes, you need to build your training around what you have available. Instead, you seem to be stuck in this metaphorical tantrum of refusing to train properly simply because you don’t have and can’t get what you want — ie, a barbell.
This level of immaturity needs to stop ASAP. Sooner or later you’re going to have to grow up and stop acting like a child, because the world will chew you up and spit you out. Learn to adapt.
Again, I know some of this is out of fear related to your body image issues. Eventually though, our demons can become crutches and we’ll use them to excuse away all kinds of problems that we simply don’t want to deal with ourselves. Trust me, I know all about this. You’re not the only one with demons to conquer.
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One of the hardest things I’ve had to do is to stop chasing distance as a primary running goal, with speed secondary and my well being coming in a distant third. High milage consistently injures me, so while reading @omats log pushes old buttons for me (I could join her in her challenge!) my wiser course is a good program of cross training, with speed and incline sprints where I challenge myself running, and distance limited to 3 miles because my body tolerates that and my head continues to enjoy relaxing into a steady-state run.
My end goals are to feel and look good, while the goal of hitting 10 miles in under 90 minutes was something closer to a compulsion.
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You’re getting stronger, therefore you are building muscle.
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Muscle weights more than fat - explains weight gain. You look fine but are still not healthy. Looking good /= healthy.
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Stop Running - it just kills joints and is counter productive to leanness: Cardio Kills I don’t think humans were ever designed to run even remotely long distances.Our physiology fights against it.
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I second everything @kdjohn said.
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Something that people rarely talk about, but I quite agree. We were designed for short sprints across whatever terrain we came from to murder our food. Running long distances would have no practical benefits, and plenty of obvious negatives.
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For someone like me (6’3, 285), even when I was in MMA fighting shape (I could spar for 5, 5 minute rounds and not get winded) I still couldn’t run. For me, running is just painful. I know it’s easier for smaller folks because the impact force is lessened but it’s still a lot of trauma. Every runner I know is constantly fighting some injury (even more frequently than powerlifters).
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I’d say this extra stuff isn’t really fear based, it’s more “shiny object” syndrome. I see others doing cool stuff and I want to try. It’s easy not doing extra stuff with an intense bb program like sheiko bc I’m too crushed to do extra or I know that I’ll get crushed under the bar. These workouts I’ve been doing take ~25,35min max and I still feel like I could do a lot more
My real goals during this period are 10+pistols/side with the 45 and to be able to press the 45. The program I’ve been doing helps with the press, but I miss hard lower body workouts
Oh yeah! When I did xc, 1/2 the team either had shin splints or dropped out 6weeks into the season
You were frequently doing way too much conditioning work during Sheiko though.
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And? What’s your point? Again, you’re stuck in the mentality of “training should make me tired” not “training is working towards a goal”. You don’t need to be spent and exhausted to have a good training session — that’s what “exercise” or “working out” is.
Aside from the fact that you were doing pistols and presses, with all the extra garbage you had going on you coulda fooled me that this was your goal.
ESPECIALLY with pressing (bench and overhead), the principle of “mass moves mass” applies so strongly. You are hyper-adverse to doing what it TRULY takes to add mass to reach that goal, so the unfortunate reality is that your pressing goal probably won’t happen for a loooong time.
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Well, I definitely wasn’t tempted to run half marathons or Murph … 
One of my major frustrations was that I couldn’t “fit in” fun conditioning sessions
No, but you definitely did too much conditioning to get the benefit of the programming, which is what @kdjohn is talking about here.
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When I train to build muscle, my workouts take a maximum of 50 minutes. Typically it is closer to 35-40. Usually I could do more, but there is no point. Once the target muscle(s) have hit the volume my program calls for that day - I stop, no matter what. The only thing I might follow up with is 10-12 minute incline treadmill walk or 5 minute row.
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Do you really though? I am not convinced. Are you having serious discussions about this with your doctor about recovering your menstrual cycle? I am not exaggerating when I tell you that it takes women in situations like yours YEARS to hormonally recover.
I completely agree with this. It’s not only the extra pushup/running/etc sessions – it’s also the copious amounts of daily walking. Of course, I by no means claim that overcoming exercise bulimia is easy.
Wouldn’t it be cool to get your period back? You need to make that your shiny object. I feel like you “could do a lot more” there.
I listened to Dan John recently discussing the benefits of 2-3 days/week training. He was asked what to do on so many off days. Not training hard every day grants time not only for recovery but also for food preparation, cooking, and having a life.
People soon realize that on all those days in the gym in the past, they were spending lots of time not really training. This is the equivalent of what you are doing. You are wasting time, which could be better spent pushing yourself in the right direction, by doing all this extra exercise.
You view everything in terms of economics – you are stuck in a vicious cycle of negative returns on all fronts. Your hormones and joints are tanked, so why should your body prioritize gaining strength and or muscle when it’s struggling to keep you alive? Your hyperfocus on what other people, whose circumstances are entirely different from yours, does no favors for your mental health.
Your extra stuff needs to be taking steps to get your period back. Make that your “daily work” rather than what the posters you want to emulate are doing. I imagine I’m not the only one who would find a consistent menstrual cycle more impressive than any cathartic exercise session you perform out of frustration from not having a barbell. Not to mention that focusing your “extra time” in this way would actually help your case to get a barbell, perform better athletically and academically, and feel better in everyday life.
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Well said
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Thanks for the post!
I get it… It’s just hard for me to accept that “making progress” = losing what I’ve worked hard for (not being fat)
exactly
That’s the thing. I don’t really care what others think if I’m not happy with myself.
I think i’ve articulated this before. This one is mostly out of fear. My body has adapted to a lot of walking.
As long as this isn’t fixed, things won’t change. Gaining weight to get your health sorted out is not the same as being fat. Write that down and look at it every day.
All of the dysfunctional things you do, you do out of fear, mostly fear about the future. While ignoring the very real danger that is already present.
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If I have to return to the level of bodyfat I was when my periods started, I’d be fat
I want to be either 16-18% BF or be breaking records- preferably both. I’m currently 20+ and still don’t have my f-ing period.
I read other ppl and they’re doing both- getting leaner and stronger, and I’m doing neither
Excessive exercise could be a factor as well, not only bodyweight.
Listen to your doctor and be 100% honest about ALL of you activity and nutrition.
Work on this with your therapist:
No one said or thinks what you’re going through is easy. Actually getting through it will be worth it though.
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I can only agree so much with this… @anna_5588 you think that if you exercise less, walk less, get more adipose tissue you’ll be fat and ugly. You won’t.
If you don’t fix your health, your hormonal health you will never reach your goals. You’ll never be stronger, nor more aesthetically pleasing nor muscular.
The body is meant to adapt and improve only if it feels healthy. But for years, your body has just been under too much stress and is in survival mode…
Also, there’s no way you gained fat on your wrists, feet, and hands. NO WAY! these are among the latests parts to gain fat. You’d have to gain 50 lbs
And indeed, your arms look more muscular
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