Yeah, we’ve talked previously about how the overeating can be as bad as the undereating - just wanted to make sure that wasn’t the extent of what you were communicating, haha. The rest is between you guys.
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I was doing some thinking: despite seeing so many ppl running more lately, I haven’t been able to resist conditioning. My primary justification to myself is that I don’t need to be doing more conditioning.
But, how do I tell the difference between “conditioning doesn’t serve me” and “I want to avoid doing something hard”
Resisting conditioning IS doing something hard, for you. You’ve already proven that, unchecked, you could literally work yourself to death. Your instincts are the opposite of most people - that’s the whole reason you’re trying to change the way you’re operating. Those thoughts of “are you just avoiding hard work” are just your subconscious playing those same nasty old tricks on you. Don’t listen to it. Stick to the plan.
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It’s very difficult to wrap my head around the idea that not pushing myself could result in progress. It feels too good to be true
This is that whole “recovery” thing I keep harping on.
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Pushing yourself will lead to progress, you just need to push yourself in the right direction. It makes very little sense for a 19 year old in your position to be pushing themselves in the same direction as a middle aged fat guy like myself. We’re literally coming at this from opposite directions.
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You’ve dug yourself into a hole. Once you’re out of the hole, you will have to push yourself - again, you are operating on the opposite set of rules compared to most of us. You are aware you need to fix your relationship with food. You need to fix your relationship with exercise too.
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I went jogging every other day at the nearby schoolyard for 3+ miles for a while back in 2020.
It was painfully boring and, after 2 miles, just painful. It also made me feel stiff, achy, in pain everywhere, and eventually created an injury in my foot.
I went go the nearby trail (supposedly ~4 miles long) and jogged it once every weekend since Dec 2020.
The uphill portions feel like sheer torture but the flat and downhill are easy. It also made me feel freaking awesome and invigorated afterwards.
My RHR, when I bother to check it, is better right now. This is likely because the trail run gives me variety- I push hard during the uphill while going at an overall faster pace during the downhill and flat than the schoolyard jog. My body composition has noticeably improved recently and I’m back to seeing my upper serratus and four-pack in spite of the fact that I’m eating far more right now due to having an actual dinner on my “eating less” days. The last time I saw those muscles was when I was literally starving myself on “eating less” days and jogging every other day.
More importantly, I am not in pain and stiff, allowing me to recover better and have a better quality of life on a daily basis. This means I’m fresh when I go back to the hills next week and can attack the uphill with intensity once more.
So, I am getting the same, if not better, bang for the buck by jogging on the trail once a week vs jogging on the schoolyard every other day. It’s obvious which one I’m going to continue doing in the near future.
On a related topic-
Anna, you really need to learn this-
There is virtually no benefit to pushing yourself hard on a daily basis if there’s no firm goal. That’s backwards thinking.
Progress happens when you have a goal in mind and work towards achieving that goal. Have a work project that needs to be done in 3 months? Then plan an approach and go for it, adjusting every week or so depending on how your progress is going. There can no progress if there’s no goal; it’s literally in the definition of the word!
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Week 4: day1 (Yesterday)
2x(4/side,5/side, 5/side)-32lbs w/intensity modifier
- very easy, cut between round test to 1 min and still made it through, got hr up
Really don’t like how I’m looking- more lower belly flab, Lots more inner thigh flab, lower back flab that wasn’t there before… Idk if I’ve actually gained any muscle 
I tend to store most of my fat in my legs, which have gotten progressively jigglier
It doesn’t show in photos bc I wear tights
Any “strength gains” are probably the result of the weights getting lighter in proportion to my body and more practice rather than actual muscle gain. Have also gotten much suckier at running and burpees. If it were muscle, running might be a tad harder, but I should be better at burpees
On top of that I’m very blocked up. Every few weeks or so, I’ll get really blocked up for a week or two. Really annoying.
There’s also random acne. I’ve never had acne before and really don’t care how it looks, but it’s annoying. I’ve been very diligent with skincare.
Took a pic this morning:
Didn’t weight myself bc blocked up and had nearly 4x the rda for sodium via smoked salmon yesterday
As a reference- back in September
I just want to not suck at something
- More weight = hormones starting to do their thing. That will involve some skin changes as things settle.
- Stop doing things like eating a bunch of smoked salmon. Altogether, you have a fairly irregular diet.
- You look better now.
Wanna see something that’s genuinely an improvement?
Here’s 1.5 years ago:
Be honest with me: do you prefer the look in the picture I posted? You can say yes if it’s how you feel.
Because from where I sit, you looked SUPER unhealthy, emaciated, and sickly, and you’re looking normal now. Not one thing about your most recent pic even whispers “fat”, “pudgy”, “flab”, or anything. Not even close.
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No
That’s a problem. Normal = mediocre. Mediocre = unacceptable
Okay, but unfortunately, “normal” is the best you’ve looked over the 2 years and 100+ pictures I’ve seen. That’s why I said you were in a hole, and once you climb out of it, you’ll only be at square 0.
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I prefer how I looked in September.
My performance has “improved” but it’s most likely not real improvement
Mum came back from Costco with a filet of hot smoked salmon. I had 8oz for lunch and 8oz for dinner instead of my usual 6-8 oz of some other fish
I’m sure you do, but you look less like someone who lifts then, than you do now. You want to be muscular, I thought.
Yes. For someone who routinely experiences blockages and bloating, this is a very bad day of eating.
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You’ve read my blog: you are paying off debt right now. You gotta earn mediocre.
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Also wanted to comment on this. My returning acne has been a positive for me. My complexion was the clearest it had ever been when I was at rock bottom.
This is that whole incongruity between what is said vs reality that comprises this training log.
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I am going to echo @flappinit,
I believe this is the first pic you have posted where you look healthy (in my opinion). You believe your strength gains are imaginary but you log enough to be able to see that they are indeed real. Keep working with your therapist to address these things and don’t be afraid to go on meds for depression/anxiety…they help a lot.
I understand the comparison that normal = mediocre. I have been there. You have lofty goals and don’t want to settle for second best. In my experience having that attitude is both a positive and negative thing. It keeps you wanting to do something to improve but also has you constantly playing the comparison game. That comparison game drove me into deep depression at one point and is something I continually fight against.
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My lifts have gone up, but it’s more like the difference between real GDP growth and nominal GDP growth.
I pick my battles. For example, in maths, I’m perfectly content with being mediocre (although it’s still a struggle). But, for the things I chose (there aren’t much things), mediocre = unacceptable.
Your actions in no way match your words here.
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yeah… trying (and currently failing) at this