Are you currently receiving therapy?
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Do you have a pair of yoga blocks or something comparable? Next time after that set place your hands on them and drop into the bottom of a push-up while flexing your pecs. Hold until you can’t or you lose the contraction. Enjoy.
Fixed that for you
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No, it’s complicated
Okay - it’s definitely not as easy as just “derrr, get therapy”, and I understand that, especially if your parents feel a certain way, etc.
But your fear of getting fat is not based in reality and is literally killing you. You cannot do this on your own - and all the internet support in the world will make no difference. Thousands of replies later and you’re calling yourself heavy when you are still malnourished. None of it has made even a dent in your armor. You have talked about it like it’s in the past, but you are smack dab in the middle of a full blown eating disorder.
What hurdles would you have to overcome to begin therapy as soon as possible? Perhaps, instead of the same advice that is getting you nowhere, we can formulate a plan of attack that helps you get to someone who can help you.
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Couldn’t have said it better
@anna_5588 I wholeheartedly agree with @flappinit
Anna claims (in the posts I saw) that’s she averse to therapists because a therapist betrayed her trust by promising not to disclose something Anna told in secret; the therapist did tell Anna’s mother, which resulted in nastiness.
This happened when Anna was a minor though. Isn’t it a rule/law that therapists are obligated to “tell” if there’s some kind of “danger/harm” involved? But now that Anna is 18+, technically an adult in the US, doesn’t that make a difference, and any therapist now would be obligated to keep any confidences? (unless Anna was planning to harm someone else I guess) @EmilyQ could probably answer this.
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I appreciate the context. I also don’t think you’re disagreeing with me, so this next comment is for Anna and not you, but if I had treatable cancer and my first oncologist was an asshole, I’d still need another one.
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@flappinit @punnyguy @dagill2 @Voxel
Thanks for all the support. If I were to get a therapist, I’d like one who understands lifting/working out , the ones in the past didn’t understand which made me more reluctant to open up
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Nope. I’ve said the same, although not as expansively nor as eloquently as you.
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My school offers a certain amount of free counseling sessions a semester, and continued offering sessions over Zoom once we shut down in the spring. I’m pretty sure I was assigned one randomly but she ended up having professional experience with the very issues that I struggle with.
Maybe see if your school offers (potentially free) counseling? Or if they do, see if you can learn anything about the counselors - maybe someone was an athlete when they were younger and could relate to you, or maybe see if the school’s athletes ever go see anybody…I’ve known a few people who after getting hurt and being unable to play became depressed (they were usually the star of the team) and went to see someone.
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Why is it important to you that the therapist understands lifting/working out?
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When I tried to talk to my previous therapists about my lifting and why it is important to me, it felt like I was talking to a brick wall, and always got super awkward.
This is why this forum is so important to me. I feel like I can connect with the community here, more so than with my friends IRL. TBH, most of my friends don’t know half the stuff I post on this log, and I don’t feel comfortable telling them either
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First off. Thank you so much for caring.
Yeah, I get that
It’s obvious to me too. I guess I just don’t have the discipline yet to do what’s right, which includes getting a therapist. I’ll look at my school’s program
I promise I’m neither a troll nor a catfish, still working on getting lifting videos up though- YouTube is a pain in the ass with my school account 
You don’t and never came across that way
I highly doubt that. I was (and probably am still) a pretty shitty person
I’m not going anywhere 
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94.2 this morning but incomplete bowel movement and definition better so probably still 93.8 more or less
FWIW, from browsing other people’s logs, this is something that’s mentioned when the person is cutting. The language used when gaining is markedly different.
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I meant it in the context that things might be balancing out at this higher weight
Also I’m starting to realize I don’t really have to freak out over possibly lowering intake in the future since the last 3-400 calories I’m eating are definitely consumed when not hungry
I wish the realisation was that you didn’t have to live in the future
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If you came to be the weight that you probably need to be at to not do a dookie on your endocrine system you’d definitely need those 3-400 calories every day to maintain (and quite possibly even more)
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I’m thinking if I can slowly get to 97-100 , cutting to 95 should I want to compete shouldn’t be too hard.
I’m really struggling with the fact that I’ll be significantly weaker and don’t know when I’ll be able to properly train again with fucking covid.
The hope is that I’ll be back to school in spring but who know if lockdown round 2 will kick in. Even in the best case scenario, it’ll be 5 months before I can get back to a proper gym and 3-4months before I get back to my previous strength since strength is somewhat of a different adaptation (but am still weaker since I’m at a higher bodyweight). 
After kidneys surgery, it took me a good 4 months to get my deadlift back to baseline. And that was with consistent squatting for 3 months prior to even deadlifting again
Every time I think of this, I get really bummed and honestly angry