I’ve been thinking back to this exchange,
And the discussions from today have become interwined with something I was maybe going to post in my own log. Maybe it’ll do more good here.
Personally, I’ve mentally committed to planning out my meals for five days of the week (Mon-Fri) that’ll more than just sustain me. Slight surplus. The weekend is for practicing a couple of things, but essentially it boils down to beginning to eat intuitively and not pay any mind to counting calories in any regard and just eat to nourish myself and enjoy the food that I eat. I really like sourdough, so I’ve started one that’ll presumably be ready to set come Saturday.
A supplementary promise I’ve made myself is whenever someone invites me to eat out with them, or at their place I have to say yes. To de-dramatise not being in control.
I still view this as disorderly eating — or, not being free of my eating disorder — but it feels like
- A step in the right direction
- Even if I were unable to take additional steps for a long time, it’s enough to break the self-harming cycle of perpetually undereating/over-exercising.
However, the thing I wanted to highlight is that it’s my opinion that planning one’s food intake isn’t inherently disorderly but the disorderely bit starts when bad feelings arise when one cannot adhere to their own plan. It’s fine to have a relationship with food that’s more about fuel than enjoyment, but I don’t see that dichotomy in you @anna_5588. So, conceivably a person could do what I’m intent on doing (plan Mon-Fri, play weekends by ear) and not have a disorder. The prescence or abscence of which is entirely predicated on the inner emotional state revolving that, and what the motivations are. Having a set meal-plan is really easy to habitualise, but then it shouldn’t cause stress to deviate from that plan.
But as @T3hPwnisher, planning food intake in this manner isn’t normal. But it can be benign. Despite this your (@anna_5588) relationship with food and exercise isn’t benign. The way the two relate to one another — semingly — in your life seem to be the opposite of a symbiotic relationship. Regrettably, I couldn’t find a good antonym for that.
I don’t know what else to write in this moment, I’m starting to succumb to the effects of painkillers and getting rather incapable of stringing along coherent arguments.
@Frank_C s writings on his experience after the conclusion of his diet eventually opened my eyes to my own vices with regards to being too clean and restrictive with food. You should go through his log. I don’t have a link to a specific post from which I believe you should start. Maybe, J, if it isn’t too much to ask you can provide a date-stamp from which she can begin? Otherwise I’ll circle back to this tomorrow and edit with a URL.