Hey OP Ive been following along on this post and kind of know where you are coming from with the confidence thing.
I dont know about you but for me after much self evaluation, I believe it is confidence as well as self control.
Seriously, when youre doing the porn surfing and get all reved up, then STOP right there and shut off the computer. Now get yer ass off to bed with “wifey” and enjoy her istead of your hand. No judgement intended.
Maybe have her do the porn site surf with you and then take it out on each other. It does take self control not to go at it solo. Its way easier to do it yourself but you are cheating yourself and your wife.
Good luck to ya!