I was. All I ever had to do was stand still and not say anything stupid.
Sorry about the lack of quotes and stuff too. My 'puter is on the fritz and I’m using a little tablet.
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Sigh long day. Cool I don’t want to be in a cat fight. I honestly am completely drained. We went out for a late lunch dinner. I just let my mom go. I will not enable her behavior and it is pathetic how hardcore addicts are. I’m sorry you have to deal with them. Edited cuz expressed drama…no need for details. My mom doesn’t even live in same state…anyways, My biggest concern was my grandmother because she should not be getting upset like that because she’s in mid 90s. I did giant letter word searches and took her to the salon there and got her hair done. Her demetia sunk in…thank god…and when left she didn’t remember nothing about my mom…all she could say was how nice it was to see us. My husband talked to staff to have all her calls screened, etc. he didn’t want me to have to deal with too much. I’m so lucky to have him. Hope all you guys are having good days!
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I assumed you were joking - I was, too! That’s why I offered that I thought you’d be able to recover quickly.
I think the way I responded to Gainz was confusing because I switched back over to lecturing Samul after I responded about your scarring. In my defense, there’s a popup-ish thing that tells me I shouldn’t answer multiple posts individually. I have to build one long post, that’s what people like. : /
@girlgotguns I’m sorry again about your mom, but glad you had your husband there to watch over you.
Appreciate it. I known addictions touch many people’s life’s but accepting that you can’t help or fix them when you have overcome a self-destructive habit yourself. It’s HARD! If only I could give her a little bit of my inner strength but then realize she’s an adult and made her choices and has to suffer the consequences. I am not anyone’s object of convenience. I am alive because I chose to change. I just remind myself. She chose her path. Take care all
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It turns out that I did. If I’m anything, its resilient.
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I have always admired your incredible strength of will!
You know, a way for you to look at all of this, maybe, would be that you’re young, and your relationships now are practice. The primary school of adult relationships, where you learn and begin to practice the basics. Even if you stay with a girl you meet tomorrow, this is your time to develop the skill of being a good partner to someone. The passive-aggression you outlined above is no bene, as you know, so now is when you work on it. You do that by observing others (positive and negative - both have something to teach), by reading if possible, and by asking. And thinking. What do I want? If “happy girlfriend” is one of the answers, it will require effort on your part to understand what goes into that.
If I say I want a happy husband I have to consider that men seem to dislike nagging, which I think is an instinct in all people, like sex (same - an instinct), and like cheerfulness. Then there are things that are unique to him. After considering him I have to think about my own wants and needs (what makes me happy) and figure out where these match. Sex - I want that, too. Good. Now, what about our sleep schedules? If I wait until he initiates at night it will be too late for me to comfortably get up early to work out before my 10 hour work day. So I problem-solve the schedule. And so on.
So shifting from a win/lose to a win/win frame. MGTOW is built on win/lose - “someone’s going to lose and it isn’t going to be me.” Contentment is built on win/win. Not every minute of every day, but in the bigger, overall pattern sense. If you win at the expense of another AND you’re a decent person, there is a loss. Loss of self-respect, loss of cordial atmosphere in whatever context the conflict has occurred. Sometimes you have to fight until someone loses, of course, but generally not. There’s been conflict in here that could have been win/lose but wasn’t.
I haven’t updated this topic for some days but I feel like I need to get this off my chest and this thread at this time seems like the only way out.
I’ve been thinking quite a lot about everything lately, like always I’d say, but in the last days I’ve just been feeling overwhelmed by my own emotions.
Evetytime the evening comes and I’m all by my myself, anything can bring me back with my mind to last winter, or up until a couple of months ago really, and then the memories just get flowing. Music gets me particularly emotional—there just are some parts of songs I listened to during winter as well that just trigger some nasty response from my brain. It gets to the point where I’m almost in tears just by rehearsing past memories in my mind.
I’m not saying I miss my ex as a person, because I’m convinced that’s not the case. But all that our relationship meant for me, just thinking about it makes me feel EMPTY. I remember those Saturdays, during the cold afternoon we were among many people, my friends, hers… Then I would leave my friends at dinnertime because we were arranged to have dinner at my girl’s place with some of her friends. All the people walking by, the background voices…then I would just look at her and feel safe. Not because she would “protect” me, but because she probably represented what I thought to be the solution to everything. It’s hard to describe, but it was like I felt chaos all around me but inside I was “protected” from all of that, like I had someone on my side.
I loved then spending the rest of the evening at her place, with a few other people: it was a nice break from going out every Saturday night. Then I knew chances were at some point she and I would go to another room and have some fun. I felt at home. I felt “settled,” like I didn’t have to look for anything else anymore because I had what I truly wanted. Those were the only times I felt zero anxiety and just lived. It was my reality.
It’s probably hard to understand what I’m trying to get at, but listening to those songs, replaying those memories in my mind, thinking about the winter atmosphere, the darkness already at 5PM, the city lights, the people, my past relationship with her, it just overloads me way more than I can handle. It makes my cry because I know I’d lose a leg to go back to that period and live it again. And it seems so distant that I actually don’t feel like it’s actually been part of my life.
I don’t know what happens to me in moments like this, I just know I needed to say all of this. In this exact moment I really had no one else to talk about this with, so…
Thanks for reading, for anyone who actually did it all the way till the end of the post.
I’ll be honest—I don’t know if going to university is a wise choice for me.
When I was in middle school, as well as the first year and a half of high school, I used to be a very diligent kid, putting in all the good efforts to study and get good grades.
Now, I’m turning out to be LAZY. I’m at my fourth year of high school, which means that next year will be the last. I still have good grades (mostly 8’s and 9’s. I’m not sure how they relate to the grades you have in the US, but I’m sure you can see that 9/10 is a very good trade), but I hardly ever open books at all and sometimes I struggle to get up to par the day before the tests.
The potential is there for sure, but really I don’t know how to get out of this loophole, so my belief is that if possible at all, I’d much much rather find a good job without having to go to university.
I’m shooting for a job with a salary of at least € 3k a month, as I don’t want to be on the low end of finances all my life and struggle every month.
My first field of choice would be computer science, since that’s what I’m studying at school (I fell in love with programming when I was 13 and chose this school to learn all that stuff), but there are many other things I could pursue. Anything language related: as I mentioned, apart from my native language (Italian), I speak English pretty damn well (considering I was never taught by anyone and I’ve never been outside of Italy), and I’m also trying to improve my Spanish, which I would consider myself decently fluent at.
I’ve also taken into consideration a career in personal training (I hate this term but “coaches” aren’t really a thing here); apart from having been training for 2 years and a half and planning on keeping at it for the rest of my life, I’ve read a ton of books (last one I bought and am currently reading is The Protein Book, from lyle mcdonald, which I strongly suggest to everyone).
Another, and the last example (I promise), is mixing songs. I own 2 mics, an audio card and an iMac fully equipped with professional software for editing audio (as I mentioned in the thread “Things You’ve Made”), and I’m already mixing songs for kids who want to become the next fifty cents (I’m charging € 20 a song, which isn’t very bad considering it takes me little more than an hour to get it done).
So there’s this… I don’t know which path to take. There’s also that I don’t feel very proficient at nearly any of those things at a professional level.
I’m way ahead of my class when it comes to information & technology and programming and I have nearly excellent grades, yet I often fear I wouldn’t be able to do it as a job. Same for mixing songs: I move myself decently in DAW softwares (the programs used for mixing). And the gym, don’t even get me started… I would want to have at least a body to back up being a trainer, and I think I’m still a long way (although maybe to common people it wouldn’t look like so). Languages are virtually the only thing of the ones I mentioned that I feel very confident about. I’m probably being harder on myself than it’s due, but I’m this way.
Also, to get back to yesterday’s post of mine, even thinking about my future and jobs and stuff doesn’t make me feel much better about how I’m feeling now.
You’re young. You have plenty of time to make friends and meet people. I’ve met some friends here and I’m sorry was bitchy with you and others at times. However, you really need to move on like I may do wth this site. We arent meant for standing still or wouldn’t have been given legs. It’s sad you are lonely but look within and realize your inner love. I have learned self respect and not sure if people take me seriously which upset me yesterday,but then I realized “we can’t help others if they’re not listening”. So, if you’re listening, have patience, you never know what might await you around the corner. Trust me I’ve learned a lot about myself and others over the last few days. Remember today is a new day, and the past is the past. 
What’s up?
Not seeing anything new there
You know what. You should turn your room into a music studio! That’ll keep your mind off of shit. We have one and soundproofed it. All our equipment etc…it’s our cave
Do you guys upload your music?
Haha if you only knew. Gotta log sorries
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My Alienware laptop crashed and dell is being a dick. Hubby and I are going to build a new desktop and also upgrade mine. Seems like money flies out the door
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I’m too shy but he does. He’s way better than me at drums but we both have lots of interests. Music isn’t my top thing to do or mixing. I don’t mind jam sessions, but I just don’t have that much patience
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