+1 on all of what he said. Plus read the meditations of Marcus Aurelius. It’s one thing to read about Stoicism as an abstract philosophy and ruleset. It’s another thing entirely to read about the most powerful and burdened man of his day try and put those principles to use. Amazing book.
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I agree. Perhaps a question for you to ask yourself when you’re having highs or lows is “will this matter in five years?” You could even go on to ask yourself if it’s going to matter in one year or six months. Maybe even get to one month or one week. Very often for me the reality is that it won’t matter - if I have an argument with my husband and have to decide whether to let it go or dig in, I can tell that if I just forget about it and don’t pursue change (which requires a giant, soul-crushing TALK) I’ll be over it in an hour because I won’t be sitting in a room alone, seething, I’ll be snuggled up with him, watching Netflix. But then I haven’t eliminated whatever it was that got me worked up, so will that matter in five years? Maybe. If he’s still not apologizing when he’s obviously done something hurtful and then compounds it by getting mad that I got mad, that will be a problem. So, okay, it matters in five years. But - can I fix it by arguing? I could point out the pattern (i.e. dig up old shit, talk about it), explain my perspective (cry, maybe, when he looks at me like I’m a stranger at the airport), offer insight into his behavior (psychoanalyze him), and then explain very well what would be better, but - will that make a difference? Sad experience tells me no. So from there I choose a direction.
I’ve learned that in many cases emotion resolves fully when a decision is made, so for example spending money or forgoing something is a scary prospect because what if it’s a mistake? But once I decide the emotion goes right down. It won’t matter in one day unless I’m still mindfucking it in one day.
I understand that these examples are different from girlfriend yearnings or friend drama, but it’s an anxiety-reducing exercise that may help you. You can also delay your feelings of doom - so if you’re worried about never having an LTR, tell yourself you’ll pause the doom over it for another year or two and then see where you are. Really, not having an LTR should become a concern only in your late 20’s, if even then (taking into account cultural differences - I believe Italians settle down earlier, here in the US men should start worrying in their early 30’s). You bring reason in to either validate or invalidate emotional thinking. Is it really cool that three girls are instagramming jealousy and anger? Is it really a problem not to be in a relationship? And what do I need to do to set myself up for the things I want; how do I insure that an LTR will be sustainable when I have a shot at one? (Which are examples of changing thinking rather than your life.)
Hahaha.
He’s a teenager with issues that needs to relax and work on himself. There is way too much psychobabal going on. He’s made a step to see a therapist, congrats. Let’s let him sort his shit out with a professional.
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If it’s about “something “ we could help him with, he’d be better by now. It’ll take him time and hard work. Let’s move on for fucks sake
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This is SOLID advice, and something I know I should be doing, but only manage to do sometimes. It’s one of those things I believe would help me tremendously if I reminded myself more often about doing them.
I’m usually not positive about arguing in a relationship. I have a belief that when your significant other is doing something that’s hurting you, unless they don’t know you well enough or are severely socially unaware, they are doing it KNOWING they’re doing something wrong.
With my last gf, when she did something I didn’t like, I’d usually choose not to argue. Unfortunately enough, instead of arguing I’d just treat her like shit. I wouldn’t reply to her messages or answer her calls, perhaps for a whole day, and if we were physically together I’d just put on a different face and still treat her like shit.
I know it’s wrong, but really when that happened, it would be because whatever she’d done that time, had made me so upset and angry (often I’d feel like she lacked respect towards me or something similar) that I felt like I couldn’t help it. Really, sometimes I even contemplated the idea of letting go, I didn’t manage to be sure I was so fucking angry because of her and acting like nothing’d happened felt like fooling myself and maybe even letting her walk all over me.
You know, when I talk about LTRs, I don’t even mean settling. I never think about relationships in terms of my future life. I mostly refer to these 5ish months relationships.
I don’t even know why I’m wanting a “serious” relationship —it might partly be due to the fact that I’m not confident I can jump from one girl to another indefinitely (there are periods in which there are a couple of or even more girls interested in me, and then there are times when I don’t seem to meet lots of new people and girls are a far sight), and being in a relationship negates all of these issues.
Probably not, but I come from a past in which one of my insecurities was not being important to anyone, and not having any girls even think about me ever, and sometimes I still believe I’m not yet “used to” this new context… It’s like a “validation boost.”
This question’s answer is probably a little more complex…
Looking at scrap of paper…no degree in bs tolerance. Damnit, the inner bitch “rolls eyes” edit…what productive thing have you done in awhile. Currently, I’m surfing while making my husbands breakfast, lunch (for work)and just fed dogs and gave them their meds. As soon as oven is free, I’m making cupcakes for his meeting later today. Real problems “I need a double oven”. Damnit! Your a teenager have fun not argue mindlessly on a site that can’t “fix” you
Stop it lol. I meant it’s not many pages but should be reflected on … tough room
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No one can help him - he can only help himself. We can only present him with options, which is all that’s been done. It’s up to him to act and alter his behavior. You, nor I, can do it for him
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You know, I actually hesitated before posting to him the last time, because I was responding to a post that talked about something his therapist asked him to do and I don’t want to interfere in any way with that work. But then I decided that no one is really trying to resolve any of his problems, just offering different perspectives, some advice about books that might be helpful, and reassurance that he can take control of his life.
This isn’t like anorexia or deep depression, these are life questions. What is it to be a person, and what is it to be a good person? Why don’t I feel satisfied? These are not mental illnesses, though I am glad about the therapist. They’re conversations. If they wear on you, skim. Others may like discussions of this sort.
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Nah, I like reading posts because I’m learning so much about what I wanna be and what I don’t…I’m trying to grow in every aspec of my life so feedback is greatly appreciated when constructive. Peeps here are honest and I’m enjoying learning and when someone takes the time to guide me, it means a lot because we all hav busy schedules. This site has helped me be stronger so I can help others that are suffering. I see different perspectives, personalities and humor from around the globe. If you have a chance read some of the articles and posts and listen to what they are saying not just reading and noticing grammar mistakes instead of seeing they are humbling themselves to ask for help. Acceptance is a bitch and change is harder, but by no means to I want to hide. I am alive and want to make the most out of it!
I’m really stunned here. Do you suggest I don’t? I’ve posted at some length with you in the past regarding your own struggles, with no remark about your writing or grammar. I work with junkies and people dealing with severe mental illness as well as people with PhD’s. I am fairly well educated myself, but I was a high school dropout and street kid (like Edward-with-a-period).
Be careful it’s not you doing the judging. I’ve posted one cartoon in response to a post that matched it, beyond that I think I am polite and open to all perspectives. If ever I become aggressive toward you or another poster, I can promise you that it won’t be about spelling or punctuation.
VI understand how I wrote it was misperceived. But you like me succumbed to someone who isn’t ready to listen. I did it, too. You spend a lot of time going into tremendous detail, which I do as well. But you have to listen, and you made me listen, we wasted time and energy for what purpose. Helping others who want help is different, but both of us argued and plead our case. Do you think we got anywhere? I saw in you a habit I have which I need to work on. Wasting time and effort in which we could be doing more constructive things. But you did hit a nerve with the grammar joke. I hit a nerve with my post in return. Point is, we want to help people but sometimes as I’ve repeatedly admitted to people advice appreciated or I’m a dumbass. But yes I admit full heartedly I can be a bitch, and my scrap of paper might as well be in the trash. Sorry I didn’t respond sooner but having a family problem atm. Getting volatile with threats is hilarious because you can’t touch me or hurt me anymore than I’ve hurt myself or have been hurt by others. So, chillax and go lift something heavy
If you want to stay ticked at me fine. But I’m willing to take off the glove. But atm I’m dealing with a family issue that is of concern and haven’t been following but saw your reaction.
Uh, I’m not threatening you. With what? I’m saying just the opposite - I would not become confrontational, verbally combative, or shitty over someone’s writing. I’ve said like three times now that I’m not interested in spelling or grammar. Like - I have exactly zero interest in the way you write. I can’t imagine anyone here does. If they like it they’ll read it. If it bugs them they can scroll past. As you can scroll. It’s not my job to reassure you about spelling or be careful not to post a weird little cartoon about a middle aged fuddy-duddy tagging with gangsters. It’s your job to either develop a thicker skin about punctuation cartoons or practice spelling until you improve enough to feel good about yourself when something like that comes up.
I’m having trouble telling what’s got you upset, but if it’s that the advice given to Samul is going nowhere, it’s not your problem. Scroll by without giving any advice - that’s fine, take care of you. But I enjoy writing and I enjoy thinking about right and wrong and how to tell the difference, as well as what the rewards may be for doing so. I very much like reading what the others have to say to him about the pursuit of manhood. In that regard I benefit nearly as much as Samul, and maybe more because who knows if he’s ready to listen. I certainly am. So I’m doing constructive things by my measure. You called it psychobabble upthread and it’s not. It’s also not therapy. It’s just people’s thoughts and advice…
Yes, this. T Nation has been there with advice, with articles, and with conversations that enlightened me that no one ever knew I was reading. I post when I have time. For fun. This is where I play and words are the equipment with which I engage the game.
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I haven’t seen this until now will reply later. I need to get some sleep. RL is a we bit more important than me explaining my perception. As I said relax
Fine I’m a bitch. As I said I do not have time to deal with this. I am not going into details but am dealing with my mom being put in prison for life. K. Nough said. I’ll be on here and there. She didn’t have custody of me as a kid sonshouldnt be my problem but she has me as next of kin cuz she thinks I’m a sucka and will enable her and is telling the whole world to contact me. It’s mindfuckingly unbelievable. Just chill cuz now I’ve gotta figure out how many things are tied to my phone number cuz I’ve got to change it. Sorry if your bubbling at me right now, but I ive got more important things to deal with. So retract the claws please and relax judge me whatever. I don’t even refer to this woman as mom…k. I haven’t even read the post I wrote again. I have to take care of me. And soon I have to see my grandma in a nursing home because my fucking sister called her. So just relax and no this is not mental illness I have pics to back shit up if they are even allowed. Gotta go
I’m sorry about your mom. I’m not upset and haven’t been. I’ve only been responding because you’ve seemed to get more and more worked up over it. I’ve been trying to make it better, not worse! So we’ll drop it.
I hope it goes well. Again, I’m sorry you’re in the middle of a shit storm.
I want to go back to all of this - hopefully the thread has settled back down. I think there’s a treasure trove of advice here on this question, and men and women will probably have different answers, which is good for you because you want to be able to see the view from others as much as possible. Very, very beneficial to you to understand differences in male vs female perspectives, as much as will be possible for you. It’s the main draw of this site for me - I get to hear what men think and compare it to the way I and my friends look at things.
John Gott, who is a big name in relationship conflict and divorce research, says that all couples argue and generally about the same things over and over throughout the relationship. The key is to argue without doing damage. So in the example I gave, it really sometimes is a matter of choosing my battles, even though the issue IS important and recurring. Should I take another stab at it? Maybe, maybe not. It’ll come up again, though, so it’s not my last chance to react.
There’s more, but I have to get ready for work.
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Cool. Yeah just logged on real quick to see if ya responded. We gals need to stick together after all, we’re a minority. Gots to run and feed dogs.
Its not all that! I was pretty much joking but there aren’t any emogees that adequately encapsulate the subject and convey my almost imperceptible humor.