Your Best You

Off Topic
21

[quote]Cortes wrote:

[quote]rrjc5488 wrote:

The biggest one for me is something to the effect of:

Whenever someone wrongs you, thank them, because they just presented you with an opportunity to display patience and forgiveness.
[/quote]

One of the most beneficial truths I’ve discovered from living in Japan has been just this. Our typical, reactionary tendency to push back against whatever pushes us is, in most cases, the worst way to succeed, win, establish dominance, or gain anything in a negotiation (and any conflict is a negotiation). On the contrary, when we blindly react, we actually allow ourselves to be controlled.

I want you to try something. Really try it (not you, necessarily, rrjc, the general “you” out there). It will not be easy, because, for most of us, every fiber of our being screams out at us to do the opposite. Trust me, if you try this you will see exactly what I mean. The next time you get in a spat with someone: Apologize.

That’s right. Say, I’m sorry. Say it before you say anything else. Say it sincerely and feed back to them what it is you are sorry about so that you demonstrate you actually understand and care.

Let me be even more clear: Say you’re sorry even if the issue in question is 100% NOT your fault. Don’t worry about that. Just apologize.

In almost every case, the person who confronted you will be so taken aback by your response that it will knock him completely out of “attack” mode. In many cases, he will actually reverse his statement, refuse to accept your apology, and then apologize himself for his own behavior. In either case, he is now in a different frame of mind, and when the both of you do talk now, you enter the conversation from positions of mutual respect and benevolence, rather than enmity and anger.

If you’ve never done this, it is absolutely mind boggling how effective it is. I actually learned it while dating my wife. Having dated only Western women up to then, I was used to butting heads about all sorts of stuff any time a conflict arose. However, every time I would go and bring something up, ready to jump on her (say, for example, for her making a mess of the house and my having to clean it up), she would just meekly, sincerely apologize. Now, all of a sudden, I felt like the big jerk for even bringing up such a petty thing.

Understand: This is NOT a demonstration of submission. This is an astonishingly effective tool for entering negotiations of every kind on equal footing. Even if something is not your fault, if you are both screaming at each other, not listening to what the other one is saying anyway, then what’s the point? Lose-lose. This simple, contrarian response effectively disarms your adversary and turns him into your ally, or, at least, a less angry adversary who is still willing to give some ground to reach a conclusion.
[/quote]

Yes, absolutely, every single word of this, yes. An apology is absolutely amazing in its ability to disarm situations and move others into a place of reciprocal good will. It’s magical. I’m also big on acknowledging or even volunteering weaknesses and indicating my (sincere) intent to do better.

22

For some reason as soon as I saw this thread I couldn’t help but think of the “worst you” you could be. Like someone who spends hours a day browsing illegal pornography and gore threads on 4chan and doesn’t wash his hands after he takes a shit and puts the toilet paper on in the reverse way where it rolls out the far side instead of the front and who drinks skim milk.

23

Also Cortes’s posts were amazing.

24

You can actually “hear” how effective it is just role playing scenarios. Watch:

Scenario #1

Me: Every time I come home the house looks like like it’s been hit by a tornado. I have to work all day and then come home to this? I can’t even relax.

Wife: If you were home more often to help me out with the kids maybe it wouldn’t look this way!

Me: Well I guess the fact that I come home from working all day long to wash all your dirty dishes and then clean up every single thing that’s been taken out and not put back doesn’t count as help, then!

And on and on.

Scenario #2

Me: Every time I come home the house looks like like it’s been hit by a tornado. I have to work all day and then come home to this? I can’t even relax.

Wife: I apologize. You’re right. You’ve been working all day and then you come home to this wreck. I’ll try harder to keep the house clean as I go throughout the day.

Me: You know what? I’m sorry. I know how hard it is taking care of two little boys all day long. I wouldn’t trade jobs with you. I couldn’t.

Wife: Let’s have sex.

Me: [winks at camera and gives two thumbs up]

25

[quote]csulli wrote:
For some reason as soon as I saw this thread I couldn’t help but think of the “worst you” you could be. Like someone who spends hours a day browsing illegal pornography and gore threads on 4chan and doesn’t wash his hands after he takes a shit and puts the toilet paper on in the reverse way where it rolls out the far side instead of the front and who drinks skim milk.[/quote]

I HATE it when people put the toilet paper on that way!

26

[quote]csulli wrote:
Also Cortes’s posts were amazing.[/quote]

Thanks, csulli!

27

[quote]rrjc5488 wrote:
What do yo do to be the best version of yourself?

…

What do you do to be your best self?[/quote]

While resting on the couch and my 16 month old son climbs up on me and is pouring drool onto my face while smacking me in the head with a remote control and laughing hysterically at the loud crack it is making against my head…I just grin and bear it and encourage him to give me a few more lumps and bruises.

28

[quote]Cortes wrote:
The whole of my knowledge distilled into a single maxim:

Serve others, excellently. Never finish.

Certainly not an idea I came to know independently, but it certainly is and idea I came to understand independently.

I have lived an extraordinary life, and I’m just getting started. I am blessed with more opportunities, fortune, experiences, happiness, friends, fun, ability and love than any person should ever deserve to have. That is not to say I have reached some plane of existence beyond that of other humans. Far from it. I still have more than my own share of troubles. I will say, however, that I have come to understand certain truths that, when rightfully applied, make available to us, in unlimited quantity, all of the things that humans strive and toil and claw and kill each other for.

For those who really want to learn something, listen now. This is it:

Serve others, excellently. Never finish.

Make the central focus of your life the task of discovering how you can help the most people in the greatest amount with the abilities you have. If you don’t know what those abilities are, then make the central focus of your life the task of figuring that out.

How many of you can say, I am truly happy with my life? How many people do you know who are willing to say such a thing? Not satisfied. Happy. Who can say, I love my life for what it is?

This is the key, right here. Those who get this, don’t need to hear it. Others will nod their heads and skip to the next thread. But there are a few of you out there who are reading this right now that have a little itch. I’m talking to you. I was you, once. This is how you scratch it.

Serve others, excellently. Never finish. [/quote]

Thanks for the inspirational words.

29

In the spirit of Cortes’ excellent posts: saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t mean you’re wrong, it doesn’t mean you’re now at the other persons mercy, and it doesn’t mean that you are somehow indebted to them. It simply means, “I value this relationship”. If you can remove the ego from it (I’ve done something wrong, I’m a bad person) it really is very easy to say.

30

Cortes just crushin’ it.

31

[quote]Cortes wrote:

Let me be even more clear: Say you’re sorry even if the issue in question is 100% NOT your fault. Don’t worry about that. Just apologize.

[/quote]

Except if it’s a car accident. You’ll be admitting liability and your insurer might not pay out.

Other than that, great post.

32

[quote]Cortes wrote:

[quote]rrjc5488 wrote:

The biggest one for me is something to the effect of:

Whenever someone wrongs you, thank them, because they just presented you with an opportunity to display patience and forgiveness.
[/quote]

One of the most beneficial truths I’ve discovered from living in Japan has been just this. Our typical, reactionary tendency to push back against whatever pushes us is, in most cases, the worst way to succeed, win, establish dominance, or gain anything in a negotiation (and any conflict is a negotiation). On the contrary, when we blindly react, we actually allow ourselves to be controlled.

I want you to try something. Really try it (not you, necessarily, rrjc, the general “you” out there). It will not be easy, because, for most of us, every fiber of our being screams out at us to do the opposite. Trust me, if you try this you will see exactly what I mean. The next time you get in a spat with someone: Apologize.

That’s right. Say, I’m sorry. Say it before you say anything else. Say it sincerely and feed back to them what it is you are sorry about so that you demonstrate you actually understand and care.

Let me be even more clear: Say you’re sorry even if the issue in question is 100% NOT your fault. Don’t worry about that. Just apologize.

In almost every case, the person who confronted you will be so taken aback by your response that it will knock him completely out of “attack” mode. In many cases, he will actually reverse his statement, refuse to accept your apology, and then apologize himself for his own behavior. In either case, he is now in a different frame of mind, and when the both of you do talk now, you enter the conversation from positions of mutual respect and benevolence, rather than enmity and anger.

If you’ve never done this, it is absolutely mind boggling how effective it is. I actually learned it while dating my wife. Having dated only Western women up to then, I was used to butting heads about all sorts of stuff any time a conflict arose. However, every time I would go and bring something up, ready to jump on her (say, for example, for her making a mess of the house and my having to clean it up), she would just meekly, sincerely apologize. Now, all of a sudden, I felt like the big jerk for even bringing up such a petty thing.

Understand: This is NOT a demonstration of submission. This is an astonishingly effective tool for entering negotiations of every kind on equal footing. Even if something is not your fault, if you are both screaming at each other, not listening to what the other one is saying anyway, then what’s the point? Lose-lose. This simple, contrarian response effectively disarms your adversary and turns him into your ally, or, at least, a less angry adversary who is still willing to give some ground to reach a conclusion.
[/quote]

I don’t think I could handle this man. I’m too prideful and cock-strong. I am very familiar with the negotiation technique of making someone feel good about themselves or their accomplishments just sway them. It’s amazing how everyone eats it up.

I work with a guy that uses the apology technique quite well, and people love it. Especially women.

However, I do see apologizing as a submissive act.

33

[quote]FarmerBrett wrote:

[quote]Cortes wrote:

Let me be even more clear: Say you’re sorry even if the issue in question is 100% NOT your fault. Don’t worry about that. Just apologize.

[/quote]

Except if it’s a car accident. You’ll be admitting liability and your insurer might not pay out.

Other than that, great post.[/quote]

Haha, good point!

34

[quote]Captnoblivious wrote:

[quote]Cortes wrote:

[quote]rrjc5488 wrote:

The biggest one for me is something to the effect of:

Whenever someone wrongs you, thank them, because they just presented you with an opportunity to display patience and forgiveness.
[/quote]

One of the most beneficial truths I’ve discovered from living in Japan has been just this. Our typical, reactionary tendency to push back against whatever pushes us is, in most cases, the worst way to succeed, win, establish dominance, or gain anything in a negotiation (and any conflict is a negotiation). On the contrary, when we blindly react, we actually allow ourselves to be controlled.

I want you to try something. Really try it (not you, necessarily, rrjc, the general “you” out there). It will not be easy, because, for most of us, every fiber of our being screams out at us to do the opposite. Trust me, if you try this you will see exactly what I mean. The next time you get in a spat with someone: Apologize.

That’s right. Say, I’m sorry. Say it before you say anything else. Say it sincerely and feed back to them what it is you are sorry about so that you demonstrate you actually understand and care.

Let me be even more clear: Say you’re sorry even if the issue in question is 100% NOT your fault. Don’t worry about that. Just apologize.

In almost every case, the person who confronted you will be so taken aback by your response that it will knock him completely out of “attack” mode. In many cases, he will actually reverse his statement, refuse to accept your apology, and then apologize himself for his own behavior. In either case, he is now in a different frame of mind, and when the both of you do talk now, you enter the conversation from positions of mutual respect and benevolence, rather than enmity and anger.

If you’ve never done this, it is absolutely mind boggling how effective it is. I actually learned it while dating my wife. Having dated only Western women up to then, I was used to butting heads about all sorts of stuff any time a conflict arose. However, every time I would go and bring something up, ready to jump on her (say, for example, for her making a mess of the house and my having to clean it up), she would just meekly, sincerely apologize. Now, all of a sudden, I felt like the big jerk for even bringing up such a petty thing.

Understand: This is NOT a demonstration of submission. This is an astonishingly effective tool for entering negotiations of every kind on equal footing. Even if something is not your fault, if you are both screaming at each other, not listening to what the other one is saying anyway, then what’s the point? Lose-lose. This simple, contrarian response effectively disarms your adversary and turns him into your ally, or, at least, a less angry adversary who is still willing to give some ground to reach a conclusion.
[/quote]

I don’t think I could handle this man. I’m too prideful and cock-strong. I am very familiar with the negotiation technique of making someone feel good about themselves or their accomplishments just sway them. It’s amazing how everyone eats it up.

I work with a guy that uses the apology technique quite well, and people love it. Especially women.

However, I do see apologizing as a submissive act.
[/quote]

I’ve had to use it twice when asshole Customs officers were going to send first my wife then another time, my 12 year old student back to Japan after we’d just spent 20 hours getting here.

The first time, I was scared shitless. It was our honeymoon and it honestly looked like she was about to get deported before we even started, and I apologized and kissed ass for over 30 minutes as my new bride sat in a holding area. That was submissive (albeit informed…I knew exactly what would happen if I lost my cool).

The second time, I got the exact same thing, from another unhappy, ugly human who’d found her mark whom she thought she could bully. This time, I KNEW exactly what I need to do to get what I wanted. I NEVER felt the slightest fear that the situation would go any way other than my own, and I PREDICTED how she would respond based upon the words I would choose.

Trust me, apologizing to reach a win-win mutual settlement with another person is only submissive if you are intimidated by that person and give ground to appease him. That is NOT what I’m suggesting.

I highly, highly recommend you just try my suggestion on a minor spat next time you have one. One that isn’t going to hurt your pride too much. A pink hammer will drive a nail just as well as a black one.

Just don’t go and start letting your kid wear a dress.

(that last one was for Dr. P!) (^_~)v

35

And I just want to be clear. I am NOT suggesting anyone use apologies to manipulate people in general. Not at ALL!

What I am getting at is that too often both parties get too caught up in their own needs, egos and pride, tensions escalate, we engage in extreme behavior that demands explanation and, to preserve congruity and, finally, pride, we each dig in our heels and firmly refuse to give even an inch of ground. If you’ve even set foot in PWI, you’ll know what I’m talking about here.

I’m suggesting that YOU be the bigger person, YOU control the situation and YOU take your ego out of the equation first, so that both parties can negotiate rationally and fairly.

Now tell me, how is that submissive?

36

[quote]Cortes wrote:
And I just want to be clear. I am NOT suggesting anyone use apologies to manipulate people in general. Not at ALL!

What I am getting at is that too often both parties get too caught up in their own needs, egos and pride, tensions escalate, we engage in extreme behavior that demands explanation and, to preserve congruity and, finally, pride, we each dig in our heels and firmly refuse to give even an inch of ground. If you’ve even set foot in PWI, you’ll know what I’m talking about here.

I’m suggesting that YOU be the bigger person, YOU control the situation and YOU take your ego out of the equation first, so that both parties can negotiate rationally and fairly.

Now tell me, how is that submissive? [/quote]

I recently had a spat with a friend of mine that I came to apologizing to him for literally something that wasn’t my fault. I was a part of it but ultimately wasn’t my fault (long story). However, he has cut ties with me(pretty sure) in light of the situation and him and I are no longer friends. It is a shame really.

I agree with what you are saying Cort. I generally avoid any confrontation that I can because I simply hate arguing with people and see no reason for it. Often gets both parties no where.

37

[quote]Cortes wrote:

[quote]Captnoblivious wrote:

[quote]Cortes wrote:

[quote]rrjc5488 wrote:

The biggest one for me is something to the effect of:

Whenever someone wrongs you, thank them, because they just presented you with an opportunity to display patience and forgiveness.
[/quote]

One of the most beneficial truths I’ve discovered from living in Japan has been just this. Our typical, reactionary tendency to push back against whatever pushes us is, in most cases, the worst way to succeed, win, establish dominance, or gain anything in a negotiation (and any conflict is a negotiation). On the contrary, when we blindly react, we actually allow ourselves to be controlled.

I want you to try something. Really try it (not you, necessarily, rrjc, the general “you” out there). It will not be easy, because, for most of us, every fiber of our being screams out at us to do the opposite. Trust me, if you try this you will see exactly what I mean. The next time you get in a spat with someone: Apologize.

That’s right. Say, I’m sorry. Say it before you say anything else. Say it sincerely and feed back to them what it is you are sorry about so that you demonstrate you actually understand and care.

Let me be even more clear: Say you’re sorry even if the issue in question is 100% NOT your fault. Don’t worry about that. Just apologize.

In almost every case, the person who confronted you will be so taken aback by your response that it will knock him completely out of “attack” mode. In many cases, he will actually reverse his statement, refuse to accept your apology, and then apologize himself for his own behavior. In either case, he is now in a different frame of mind, and when the both of you do talk now, you enter the conversation from positions of mutual respect and benevolence, rather than enmity and anger.

If you’ve never done this, it is absolutely mind boggling how effective it is. I actually learned it while dating my wife. Having dated only Western women up to then, I was used to butting heads about all sorts of stuff any time a conflict arose. However, every time I would go and bring something up, ready to jump on her (say, for example, for her making a mess of the house and my having to clean it up), she would just meekly, sincerely apologize. Now, all of a sudden, I felt like the big jerk for even bringing up such a petty thing.

Understand: This is NOT a demonstration of submission. This is an astonishingly effective tool for entering negotiations of every kind on equal footing. Even if something is not your fault, if you are both screaming at each other, not listening to what the other one is saying anyway, then what’s the point? Lose-lose. This simple, contrarian response effectively disarms your adversary and turns him into your ally, or, at least, a less angry adversary who is still willing to give some ground to reach a conclusion.
[/quote]

I don’t think I could handle this man. I’m too prideful and cock-strong. I am very familiar with the negotiation technique of making someone feel good about themselves or their accomplishments just sway them. It’s amazing how everyone eats it up.

I work with a guy that uses the apology technique quite well, and people love it. Especially women.

However, I do see apologizing as a submissive act.
[/quote]

I’ve had to use it twice when asshole Customs officers were going to send first my wife then another time, my 12 year old student back to Japan after we’d just spent 20 hours getting here.

The first time, I was scared shitless. It was our honeymoon and it honestly looked like she was about to get deported before we even started, and I apologized and kissed ass for over 30 minutes as my new bride sat in a holding area. That was submissive (albeit informed…I knew exactly what would happen if I lost my cool).

The second time, I got the exact same thing, from another unhappy, ugly human who’d found her mark whom she thought she could bully. This time, I KNEW exactly what I need to do to get what I wanted. I NEVER felt the slightest fear that the situation would go any way other than my own, and I PREDICTED how she would respond based upon the words I would choose.

Trust me, apologizing to reach a win-win mutual settlement with another person is only submissive if you are intimidated by that person and give ground to appease him. That is NOT what I’m suggesting.

I highly, highly recommend you just try my suggestion on a minor spat next time you have one. One that isn’t going to hurt your pride too much. A pink hammer will drive a nail just as well as a black one.

Just don’t go and start letting your kid wear a dress.

(that last one was for Dr. P!) (^_~)v[/quote]

That is an interesting read. I would really have to practice in mirror to sound sincere. I could see it working very well.

I think human nature is very manipulative, some people are just better at it than others.

38

Back on topic:

I make a genuine effort to stay in touch with good friends, family, and people who have positively affected my life.

If I say I’m going to do something, I do it.

Never be indebted to any person. If someone helps me I help them in return.

I’m never late. Ever. Lateness is lazy and disrespectful to friends and professional colleagues.

I am huge believer in self-improvement. I try and practice it daily.

39

Awesome posts from Cortes! Have you read Mastery by Robert Greene, by any chance?

[quote]Captnoblivious wrote:
I make a genuine effort to stay in touch with good friends, family, and people who have positively affected my life.
[/quote]

This is a great one!

Capt, as far as apologizing/submitting/etc goes… Here’s how I think of it:

All of our actions are done because we want a desired outcome. If a particular outcome is desired, you have to think of the actions that are going to get you there. In Cortes’ customs agent situation, his actions led to him enjoying his honeymoon with his wife. Had be been stubborn, his actions would have landed them back on a plane for another days’ worth of traveling.

So your pride may be “hurt” by “submitting” to the customs agent, but then again, I know for a fact that my pride would be way worse off if I had to explain to my family and friends that my wife and I couldn’t enjoy our honeymoon because I lost my shit at the airport.

40

[quote]pushharder wrote:

[quote]rrjc5488 wrote:

What do you do to be your best self?[/quote]

I vote with integrity on Guess Her Muff.[/quote]

So, there are at least two forums that we both frequent. We would definitely be friends IRL. AND, if you guess shaven every time, you’ll be right more often than not.