I’ve been happily married for over 7 years. My wife and I have twin boys that are toddlers. Needless to say, it’s been a very tiring few years since we had them. The boys, who I adore, are a handful, and keep us busy.
She wants another child, and I don’t. I’m exhausted from the boys, and since we don’t have any family where we live, I take my brunt of the work. Not having family puts a strain on us, since it’s not like we can drop the boys off at “Grandma’s house.”
We went through IVF to have the boys, which was a grueling process, and she didn’t have an easy delivery. So to go through another round of this process isn’t exactly appealing.
The rationale for her wanting another child are two fold - to feel the closeness of just a single child and probably in her mind, the possibility of a girl. We never aligned before we were married on the number of kids, even though I mentioned a few times when we were dating that two kids was optimal for me. We would have the discussions, but move on.
For me, I’m fulfilled through the boys but to have another child for me, would be emotionally tough. In fact, I had some emotional/ mental health issues when dealing with the boys when they were younger and we were facing other life strains. We’ve had talks about a third child and she’s seeing a counselor, but I feel like the “bad guy” but I know in my mind. I need to keep my well-being to remain a solid husband and father. Anyone else that has faced this dilemma?
For me, I’m fulfilled through the boys but to have another child for me, would be emotionally tough. In fact, I had some emotional/ mental health issues when dealing with the boys when they were younger and we were facing other life strains. We’ve had talks about a third child and she’s seeing a counselor, but I feel like the “bad guy” but I know in my mind. I need to keep my well-being to remain a solid husband and father. Anyone else that has faced this dilemma? [/quote]
I feel for you. My husband and I had initially wanted a large family but after the hell of my pregnancy and labor I just couldn’t do it again. He was disappointed at first and I think sometimes he still is a little bit, but at the same time he enjoys having some freedom back now that our son is in school.
All I can offer is just keep the communication going. Be honest with your wife, and hopefully she’ll be able to see your side of things.
The ladies above gave some great advice. Especially about really communicating your concerns with your wife.
On top of that, you could argue that the two of you have been blessed with 2 children already. That’s more than many couples ever accomplish.
My wife and I (married 22 years) have only one son (16). I’ve expressed interest in another child over the years, but my wife says no. I’m okay with that. And like MarvelGirl said, the freedom we have now is really nice.
Your boys have each other to grow up with and will be there for each other when you and your wife pass on. Sometimes what we have is good enough. Such is a gift.
If you have reservations in the current situation, it’s just gas to that fire. That fire being any resemblace to the way it used to be when your lives were about each other. With kids that seems to go away in many cases. The more kids you have the more stress your relationship will have, but…BUT some can survive this and end up being fufilled through it.
“Closeness to one child”? NO WAY is that a reason. You have 2 twins who need your support already.
The second child for me was the final blow that drove a wedge between wife and I. One more child is exponential in money and energy.
If you are not fully on board, wait or reconsider.
I guess what I’m saying is that if you are as happy now as you were before kids, then go for it…if not, then think more.
I’d tell her how you feel then use the recession/depression/economy as another factor.
I’d also suggest talking about adoption a few years down the road when the boys are starting elementary schools. You could choose a girl since that’s probably want she wants. On top of that with all of the children that need good homes it’d be a really good thing to do. Kind of like how we should get our pets from the shelters instead of the pure breed farm.
Ghost87, I am in a similar situation. In fact, superficially it is bizarrely similar - young twin boys, IVF, difficult pregnancy, wife wanted another… It sounds like you are actually doing better with your marriage, so maybe it isn’t out of the question for you. For me it is very simple - no way on Earth can our marriage survive more child-related stress, so to be a responsible father to my two wonderful boys, I have to say no.
We have not discussed it for awhile, and I am hoping my wife can settle down and find happiness with what we have, which is a lot. When this subject did come up, she said she needed this to make her happy, and that it would help our marriage, or at least that refusing her would be bad for the marriage.
I believe that thinking is very wrong, and more kids do NOT help a marriage. Changes in my wife since the boys were born plus the huge stress of twins are what damaged our marriage to begin with, so we should do it again?! I also feel like the “bad guy” for holding firm on this. My wife did not appreciate at all my carefully worded explanation about risk to our marriage and responsibility to our actual living children.
Anyway, my vote obviously goes to encouraging your wife to be happy with the twins. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
Having kids should be decided by both parents together, with neither feeling pressured into the decision. If a couple loves and respects each other; neither one should get mad at the other if they don’t feel ready for more kids (or the first one, as the case may be).
Trying to “force” the other into having another kid will just strain the relationship further; as whoever “gave up” and relented is certain to regret it somewhere in the next 20 years…
I’m not sure what your wife is looking for, but if she didn’t find it with your first two kids, she probably won’t find it with the next one either.
[quote]pookie wrote:
Having kids should be decided by both parents together, with neither feeling pressured into the decision. If a couple loves and respects each other; neither one should get mad at the other if they don’t feel ready for more kids (or the first one, as the case may be).
Trying to “force” the other into having another kid will just strain the relationship further; as whoever “gave up” and relented is certain to regret it somewhere in the next 20 years…
I’m not sure what your wife is looking for, but if she didn’t find it with your first two kids, she probably won’t find it with the next one either.[/quote]
Thanks for everyone for all the feedback. It appears the consensus between everyone who responded to my post is to stick with my principles. The latest update is that the counselor my wife has been consulting has recommended that I get a vasectomy. She has stated that if I want one, then I should get one. She doesn’t support the decision, but believes it’s best for our marriage.
By the way, I still worry that in the next twenty years, that since she “gave up” on this decision, she will be bitter and regretful (ultimately taking it out on me)
[quote]ghost87 wrote:
Thanks for everyone for all the feedback. It appears the consensus between everyone who responded to my post is to stick with my principles. The latest update is that the counselor my wife has been consulting has recommended that I get a vasectomy. She has stated that if I want one, then I should get one. She doesn’t support the decision, but believes it’s best for our marriage.
By the way, I still worry that in the next twenty years, that since she “gave up” on this decision, she will be bitter and regretful (ultimately taking it out on me) [/quote]
Well, a vasectomy might be a bit drastic; can you be sure you’ll never change your mind again? When my wife and I had our two first kids, they were pretty close together and we were convinced we’d stay at two. Now, those two are at school and they’re much more autonomous when at home, so last year we decided we’d have a third one. She’s 10 weeks old right now.
At one point I considered getting a vasectomy, but I was never 100% about the never… if you get one, consider asking about a “reversible” one. I’m told it’s doable now.
I don’t know how old your kids are (“toddlers” has me thinking they’re very young), but it gets much easier as they age.
Maybe your wife would be more accomodating of a “let’s wait a year or two and see” decision than a completely final one.
before I say anything I’d like to explain that I ain’t married nor do I have kids… so if I say something naive, it probably is.
But on my book… I’d say let a couple of years pass so your toddlers grow up a little and don’t demand as much attention (as in breast feeding, changing dipers, etc), and then have the 3rd. or 4th?
Another thing that would help is if you can get your mother to help out rasing the kids. My grand parents helped my mom with me and my bro. And they did the same with my uncle when he had kids.
My wife and I did IVF and had trips twin girls and a boy. I ended up having the problem and the doc told me " I will never have children on my own ". Well three years later she says she is pregnant. Needless to say I was a little suprised. I thought it was going to be tough too, but this boy has been perfect and I can’t complain a bit. Although we are running out of room in the the house I wouldnt trade it for anything.
My wife is very good about my training and bares the work load of taking care of them day to day. If I have some advise for you it is don’t trust the docs when they say you wont be able to have children on your own and love what god gives you.