Wednesday August 1 2007 the nicest lady in the world died. Well maybe not in the whole world but at least the world of those who new my grandmother Eleanor. My entire life she’s been constant, never a bad mood, no grudges and at the worst you would get the evil eye aka the brown eyed stare.
She helped raise me and taught me how to love unconditionallly, to say your sorry when you where wrong and although I don’t know if she was trying to she showed me “It’s good experiance”.
You see she had Alzhiemer’s Disease for the last 10 years or so the progressivley got worse and worse. While she passed away from congestive heart failure that wasn’t always what made things the most difficult, not until the end.
On the other hand the world works in strange ways and her disease sometimes seemed like a blessing. She could only remember the momment. I’d go to visit her and always the same questions and comments. “Boy if I was younger I’d go for you in a second!”, “Do you have any nice girlfriends?”, “When I was younger I joined the service and my father mush have thought I was a real independent brat”.
Of course the best one was “It’s good experiance”. I could tell her I broke my arm, my dog died and am miserable with my life and she’d still smile the most loving smile you’ve ever seen and say “Well, it’s good experiance”.
No matter how bad I knew she was or how wrong the comment seemed it was always true. I mean what the fuck if you’re still alive it’s good experiance prepares you for what’s next. To make things seem less like good experiance though, towards the end every male who came to visit her was Mke (that’s me :-(.
I was her favorite and she was mine. I know that’s something to celebrate but I just don’t feel like I can right now.
About to turn my blinker on to visit Eleanor last wednesday around 7 o’clock my dad called me. “Mike your grandmother passed away.” WOW, I just kept driving. I drove for about an hour not knowing what the hell to do.
See her there one last time (she is being cremated today) in her whole form? Shit I wasn’t sure why? My last memories where just a few days earlier of seeing her and brining here purple flowers (her favorite color).
As I left she sat in her chair with her hair all done up by the hopsice nurse and her cute red lipstick on waving and saying faintly “I love you” with her warm eyes and sweet smiling shining faintly but still noticeable to anyone with a heart. Then I thought no I owe it to her and I was going there anyway so I have to face life.
Her face was ghostly white, mouth wide open and at first horrid. Then I looked again and just saw her at peace finally. I comforted my Aunt who was there with my other aunt the entire time. We sat and cried spoke about her and how it was for the best. Eventually the numbness sets in and sedated me.
The next day I called in and my boss (who’s a great freind) said take however much time you need. Fortunatly my gf (just had our 2 year anniversary) had off for the day also so I figured the obvious that she would comfort me in the way a loved one does. I’m sure you can see where this is going.
She had to babysitt her sisters kids. I love those little guys and didn’t sweat it one bit. Then she went to the outlet malls with her mom? Uh hello morning my grandmother don’t want to be home alone. Then she procceded not to come home till 9 at night.
I said something along the lines of “I can’t believe you just fucking ditched me all day” and continued to clean the house since I did nothing but obsess over bullshit like that while being alone all day.
She crumbled. In 5 years since her father passed away, whom was very sick and she had taken care of pretty much all on her own till the day he died, she hasn’t cried once. Maybe a tear or to here and there but never really a cry. Not like this.
She fell into a little ball on the kitchen floor when she could see the look and my face and hear me say “Oh please not now!?”. I’ll spare the details and don’t want any advice on how to handle the situation. Nobody knows but the guys who puts on my workboots every morning and my sneakers every night.
But I’ll go on. She walks out and dissappears for 3 days. Told a few people she was out of state and had her sister pick up her check. Not a call. A text or 2 in responce to me asking “Are you alright” was all I got. She came back on a sunday and I saw her we spoke.
Things are damaged. We both know it but what’s worse is I haven’t even been able to just morn. I am beggining to hate her for it despite in all honesty I know she is hurting just as bad (probably worse).
My soul is bleeding and these wounds will take alot of licking and time to heal, but they will.
