[quote]pushharder wrote:
Well, the ice has been broken. Now maybe RV will send CAP a purple hulk pic that he can post.[/quote]
LOL! I did ask, first thing, he said he would think about posting a new pic!
[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
[quote]roguevampire wrote:
[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
[quote]roguevampire wrote:
[quote]Edevus wrote:
[quote]roguevampire wrote:
[quote]Edevus wrote:
RV, why did you use that tense in particular and not third person/past?[/quote]
Well, for me, its not the past, its happening right then and there. It is in the past, but, its now my present. [/quote]
Yeah, but you can still use a third person/past point of view. I believe it works much better for this kind of work.[/quote]
I believe there are times I do use that point of view. But during dialogue, its happening right then and there.[/quote]
There are some tense errors in there for sure. Also, id like to see a more decriptive torture…oh, and add a few different words in for the characters speeches…maybe some type of sadistic kissing while you all watch him burn.
Not bad. I know everyone here will say it is because they hate you but I think after you clean it up the final product will be good…
Nice work[/quote]
Oh, this has never been edited. so im sure it will have to under go some fixing. At the same time, i don’t like over blown dialogue. I also want to portray the countess fairly. She was very complex. she had a big heart, but she could also be sadistic and cruel. But yes, I love and try to be descriptive, so adding more to it, will always be good. thanks for the advice.
What do you mean about tense errors, if you could, could you point out an example, so i know for future reference and also fix the mistake.[/quote]
Well, after reading it again, its fine. it looks jumbled in the post but after I seperated it the way it would look in a book it became less awkward…
You use the word -states- a lot though. I think more variety in that area would be good…
Ibis pleaded…
Maria mocked
I declared my love…
Get it? If every time someone says something the reader sees the same words -states- it might get boring…liven it up…think about HOW the characters say what they say…
Ibis pleaded as hope slipped away.
Maria mocked sharply, almost singing to ibis you’re going to burn…
About this particular scene
Could you have ibis be more defiant? Before countess uses the poker on him, he could spit on her…then you could leap from your seat to defend her but be blocked by maria so countess could make the torture even more personal,drawn out, and wicked.
Doing something like that would add something more interesting to your role too…
A torture scene would be a good time for more dialouge I think…even add a musician and a meal somewhere in there
Something that would be really gruesome is burning him in parts…as in one leg…put it out…the other leg…put it out…break the legs…burn the arms one by one and break them…return to meal while he screams…finish meal, then burn the head and torso…
[/quote]
I should have you read the entire torture scene. at first he was extremely defiant. remember, this is like day 3 of his torture. this was his final demise. He went through alot before this final scene that you read. lol. I actually did exactly as you suggest. Earlier in the scene, he hurts the countess and I end up attacking him and doing some damage. If you like, i can email you the entire torture scene. so you can get a better idea of what happened.
[quote]roguevampire wrote:
[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
[quote]roguevampire wrote:
[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
[quote]roguevampire wrote:
[quote]Edevus wrote:
[quote]roguevampire wrote:
[quote]Edevus wrote:
RV, why did you use that tense in particular and not third person/past?[/quote]
Well, for me, its not the past, its happening right then and there. It is in the past, but, its now my present. [/quote]
Yeah, but you can still use a third person/past point of view. I believe it works much better for this kind of work.[/quote]
I believe there are times I do use that point of view. But during dialogue, its happening right then and there.[/quote]
There are some tense errors in there for sure. Also, id like to see a more decriptive torture…oh, and add a few different words in for the characters speeches…maybe some type of sadistic kissing while you all watch him burn.
Not bad. I know everyone here will say it is because they hate you but I think after you clean it up the final product will be good…
Nice work[/quote]
Oh, this has never been edited. so im sure it will have to under go some fixing. At the same time, i don’t like over blown dialogue. I also want to portray the countess fairly. She was very complex. she had a big heart, but she could also be sadistic and cruel. But yes, I love and try to be descriptive, so adding more to it, will always be good. thanks for the advice.
What do you mean about tense errors, if you could, could you point out an example, so i know for future reference and also fix the mistake.[/quote]
Well, after reading it again, its fine. it looks jumbled in the post but after I seperated it the way it would look in a book it became less awkward…
You use the word -states- a lot though. I think more variety in that area would be good…
Ibis pleaded…
Maria mocked
I declared my love…
Get it? If every time someone says something the reader sees the same words -states- it might get boring…liven it up…think about HOW the characters say what they say…
Ibis pleaded as hope slipped away.
Maria mocked sharply, almost singing to ibis you’re going to burn…
About this particular scene
Could you have ibis be more defiant? Before countess uses the poker on him, he could spit on her…then you could leap from your seat to defend her but be blocked by maria so countess could make the torture even more personal,drawn out, and wicked.
Doing something like that would add something more interesting to your role too…
A torture scene would be a good time for more dialouge I think…even add a musician and a meal somewhere in there
Something that would be really gruesome is burning him in parts…as in one leg…put it out…the other leg…put it out…break the legs…burn the arms one by one and break them…return to meal while he screams…finish meal, then burn the head and torso…
[/quote]
I should have you read the entire torture scene. at first he was extremely defiant. remember, this is like day 3 of his torture. this was his final demise. He went through alot before this final scene that you read. lol. I actually did exactly as you suggest. Earlier in the scene, he hurts the countess and I end up attacking him and doing some damage. If you like, i can email you the entire torture scene. so you can get a better idea of what happened.[/quote]
I appreciate it man…I will pm my email to ya.
Oh…
[quote]roybot wrote:
Oh…[/quote]
eh, nice try, but RV’s story is different. This movie has more of a “hauntung” feel…his writing, from what he has mailed me isnt that. No ghosts or vampires at all…itd s hppf dypry. From what I know, he travels back in time to tell the countess what is going to happen…to prevent it…rv, the countessm and a servant hunt down those who would set her up…
Even if he is ripping off this movie as you are trying to point to…is that a problem? Bathory is an interesting historical figure.
Should no one write books inspired by greek myth? What about comic book movies?
I just got more of the torture part…wicked hahaha
[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
[quote]roybot wrote:
Oh…[/quote]
eh, nice try, but RV’s story is different. This movie has more of a “hauntung” feel…his writing, from what he has mailed me isnt that. No ghosts or vampires at all…itd s hppf dypry. From what I know, he travels back in time to tell the countess what is going to happen…to prevent it…rv, the countessm and a servant hunt down those who would set her up…
Even if he is ripping off this movie as you are trying to point to…is that a problem? Bathory is an interesting historical figure.
Should no one write books inspired by greek myth? What about comic book movies? [/quote]
OK. Where did I “point to” RV ripping the movie off? I posted a trailer to a movie that has only just come out, so there was no inference there since my one and only word in that last post was “oh”.
[quote]roybot wrote:
[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
[quote]roybot wrote:
Oh…[/quote]
eh, nice try, but RV’s story is different. This movie has more of a “hauntung” feel…his writing, from what he has mailed me isnt that. No ghosts or vampires at all…itd s hppf dypry. From what I know, he travels back in time to tell the countess what is going to happen…to prevent it…rv, the countessm and a servant hunt down those who would set her up…
Even if he is ripping off this movie as you are trying to point to…is that a problem? Bathory is an interesting historical figure.
Should no one write books inspired by greek myth? What about comic book movies? [/quote]
OK. Where did I “point to” RV ripping the movie off? I posted a trailer to a movie that has only just come out, so there was no inference there since my one and only word in that last post was “oh”.
[/quote]
ahhhhhh lol
sorry
was in defense mode…sowwy
Im doing an argument assignmet right now and still locked into that
hugs
Actually, thats one of the problems of reading this out of context with the whole story. lol. Its a complex story. My intentions at first were to never tell the countess about what happens to her in the future. that only comes about much later. We don’t hunt down those responsible for her imprisonment. Meeting “ibis” was a complete surprise.
The 4 servants shouldn’t have come into her life for many many years from the time of the story im wrote. But me going back in time, somehow changed things. But, we never seek out anyone, meeting ibis was a complete surprise.
its not about vampires or ghosts of any kind. its about how far would you go for someone you truly loved. if that person was a reviled “serial killer” But you knew it was a sham. would you tell her the truth of what happens to her and risk changing the future.
funny, I actually watched this movie last week. it was the daughter of Erzsebet Bathory seeking revenge on a relative of prime minister Thurzo. The man who imprisoned the countess. This movie is so far the exact opposite of my book, you can’t possibly get any more opposite. lol. for one, the daughter is a vampire. lol. nuff said. lol
[quote]roguevampire wrote:
funny, I actually watched this movie last week. it was the daughter of Erzsebet Bathory seeking revenge on a relative of prime minister Thurzo. The man who imprisoned the countess. This movie is so far the exact opposite of my book, you can’t possibly get any more opposite. lol. for one, the daughter is a vampire. lol. nuff said. lol[/quote]
I posted the trailer here because it fit with the overall tone of the thread : Bathory, vampires…Plus I have a penchant for posting trashy movie trailers.
Now back, ye devils! Back I command thee!