Old as the fucking hills. First it was John Cleese, now it’s the Queen?
[quote]IvanDmitritch wrote:
Magarhe wrote:
For everyone getting full of themselves over the war of independence, you need to re-learn your history - and not the American version you have been taught in schools, but the actual facts. USA has a bad habit of writing history the way it wishes it was, instead of how it was. (so does UK actually and in fact, every culture)
Oh god. Please, I’m all ears, educate me. In what ways does the “American” version differ from the one you were taught? Exactly what is this American version, anyways? I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest you haven’t spent much time studying history in an American university.
[/quote]
Guys, don’t you understand? The USA was wrong in fighting the war of independence. Although they were getting oppressed in the colonies, taxed unjustly, not represented in the parliament, and basically used to make England better, they had NO right to fight for independence and equality.
Where the fuck do people get the right to talk about the Revolution when they have no knowledge of what the hell happened and why?
[quote]PimpBot5000 wrote:
Here’s the rebuttal to the original post
In the light of your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments (most notably the French) and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a commonwealth of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal codes. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London and far more cultural. We believe the main reason why Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II does not fancy Utah is because it will turn her already sagging and dry skin into a rather hard leathery shell. Besides people over the age of 80 just do not know what they are talking about 75% of the time - the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip is a prime example of this and his son Prince Charles is fast following his example. If you want a national figure head appoint someone much younger and far more attractive.
To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are to be introduced with immediate effect:
- Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren’t always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let’s use your “aluminium” example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name “alumium” for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into “aluminum” to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry.
However, we’d like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It’s an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Chester Minor.
The letter ?U" will be removed from words such as ?armour" and ?neighbour". Skipping the letter ?U" is not considered laziness on our part since the correct pronunciation of those words would be ?ar-moo-er" and ?nay-boo-er"
You will also end your love affair with the letter ?S" (and by the way, it is pronounced zee, not zed. The pronunciation ?zee" actually comes from late 17th-century English dialect) and the suffix -ise will be replaced with the suffix -ize.
You also seem to pronounce words horribly wrong, even in your own language. Let?s take Edinburgh for example. You will realize that it is pronounced ?Ed-in-burg", not ?Ed-in-burra". Where does the ?rra come from? If you wish to refer to it still as Edinburgh, we suggest you remove the last two letters and replace them with ?rra.
Cockney rhyming slang will no longer be used, as it is an inefficient way to communicate with another. Say what you mean, there is no need to find another word that rhymes with the word you are trying to say.
-
Since you will switch to the American standard of spelling Microsoft will be notified on your behalf to discontinue the British language pack for the family of Office products.
-
Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we’ll talk about the English and Australian accent issue. (Here?s a hint: If you hear the word ?eh" while speaking to someone, this is a clear indication that they are Canadian. Example: Nice weather we?re having, eh?)
You will also have to learn Southern accents. Cops will no longer broadcast subtitles.
-
If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don’t rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked “Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels”, “Trainspotting”, and “The Full Monty”. We’ve also heard good things about this “Billy Elliot”. But one good movie a year doesn’t exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, your music industry is great. We?ll leave that intact. (The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, Iron Maiden and Muse just to name a few). And please stop going on about Shakespeare, the guys been dead for nearly 400 years.
-
It is inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies, especially if that monarch has no role other than ceremonially. Let’s not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. Rule Britannia will be the tune with which you will sing your next national anthem to. We will get to work on the lyrics immediately.
-
?Football" as you call it will be a permissible pastime, although you will be required to call it soccer. Police officers will be placed at strategic points around the field and riot gear will always be nearby. If you do cause an incident, we will tear your beloved ?Football" away from you faster than you can say ?Bangers and Mash". The NFL will be started in the UK as well as college Football (The American one) teams. We welcome any two of your rugby players to play an American Football player anytime. We will also be happy to show your rugby players how to wear proper protective gear, so they don?t lose brain cells every time they play.
-
You will not be allowed to own guns. This is because you fail to see how harmless wooden shields and spears are compared to a weapon capable of firing a projectile at upwards of 1,300 feet per second (Refer to the Anglo-Zulu War). You only pretend to be pompous intellects because you don?t have the testicular fortitude to own a gun, and thus only rely on drive by insults.
-
The 5th of November will no longer be celebrated. The 4th of July will replace this celebration and become a nationally recognized holiday, thus reminding you of when 13 of your most productive colonies decided not to recognize you as their ruler.
-
We have German cars, and think they are ugly and uncomfortable. British cars will be banned, as they are too small (height wise) for any person to fit into. We will airlift several hundred thousand Pontiacs, Buicks, and Cadillacs. American cars were crap, we agree, in the 70?s until the late 90?s. Since then, American cars are quite well built, very comfortable, and get good gas mileage.
All roundabouts will be replaced with intersections. You will begin to drive on the right side of the road, seeing as the majority of cars that are driven in the world are. You will convert to the American standard (gallons instead of liters). Litre will be spelled Liter.
-
Anything fried in animal fat will be banned. (This includes your precious ?chips") Belgium was at one time a part of France, so calling them French fries does not seem too far off. To end confusion, thinly sliced pieces of potato (called crisps in the UK) will be referred to as chips, not crisps. Chips will be called French fries, or more commonly, fries.
-
A picture of a Native American will appear inside the state of Massachusetts on all British Tea. He will affectionately be known as ?Bosty".
-
American Microbreweries will be established and you will see how Beer is supposed to taste. We do enjoy Killian?s Irish Red though (Good job Ireland, for your recipe at least). That company will be incorporated with Samuel Adams.
-
You will no longer be allowed to call it petrol, for it is called gasoline. You will adopt the American pricing standard for it (roughly around 35p/liter).
-
The American legal system grows and changes because we don?t live under the impression that our legal system is infallible. We wholeheartedly believe that the British could take a lesson from the way that the Americans respect but don?t worship their legal system. We have a channel called C-SPAN that broadcasts live from our chambers of law (the House and Senate) and occasionally broadcasts British Parliament. We tune to that channel solely to chuckle at how infantile and unorganized your lawmakers are.
We find it especially amusing that our government observes parliamentary procedure whilst (by the way that word is ours now) yours seemingly does not.
-
We will tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for the abomination known as ?Teletubbies". Anne Wood will be promptly ordered to pay a fee of $2,500 for any person who suffered psychological abuse due to watching the afore mentioned show.
-
Taxes will be imposed on British citizens for all damages incurred by the British during the Revolutionary War and War of 1812.
Thank you for your cooperation.
[/quote]
I laughed at nearly all of these. Damn funny list.
[quote]LiveFromThe781 wrote:
Magarhe wrote:
Well, as an Australian living in England, I can tell you, England wouldn’t be any better at running your country that’s FOR SURE.
I agree best beers are Belgian though, especially the trappist, especially the Blue Chimay, oh yeah I can taste it now. And White beers. I do not like English beers but they have good cider here.
Note that this joke is often played on Ozzies too, quite funny. I understand how people get a bit angry at it though.
For everyone getting full of themselves over the war of independence, you need to re-learn your history - and not the American version you have been taught in schools, but the actual facts. USA has a bad habit of writing history the way it wishes it was, instead of how it was. (so does UK actually and in fact, every culture)
um, we know the important stuff: we won. [/quote]
You have a habit of popping up out of nowhere, contributing nothing, and then jumping somewhere else. Just so you know.
1776
'nough said.
[quote]
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater. [/quote]
Andie McDowell played an AMERICAN in that film - seriously. So, what’s the point of that comment?
Rest of it was pretty amusing.
[quote]ukrainian wrote:
IvanDmitritch wrote:
Magarhe wrote:
For everyone getting full of themselves over the war of independence, you need to re-learn your history - and not the American version you have been taught in schools, but the actual facts. USA has a bad habit of writing history the way it wishes it was, instead of how it was. (so does UK actually and in fact, every culture)
Oh god. Please, I’m all ears, educate me. In what ways does the “American” version differ from the one you were taught? Exactly what is this American version, anyways? I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest you haven’t spent much time studying history in an American university.
Guys, don’t you understand? The USA was wrong in fighting the war of independence. Although they were getting oppressed in the colonies, taxed unjustly, not represented in the parliament, and basically used to make England better, they had NO right to fight for independence and equality.
Where the fuck do people get the right to talk about the Revolution when they have no knowledge of what the hell happened and why? [/quote]
I feel like I have a unique perspective here as I have spent half my life in England and the other half in America. I love England and I love America. I just got my American citizenship.
First of all I would like to point out that no one in England is thinking about the revolutionary war, no one is bitter about it. It was 200 + years ago, no one cares.
Its really stupid to go on about how unjust England was at the time, name one country that was moral by today’s standards. Talk about taxation without representation and then kill a million Indians and steal the land. America was not on the moral high ground so don’t even go there.
Over all our countries are a lot more closely aligned than anywhere else in the world so these arguments are stupid.
Also, your 10th grade AP USA history book is not the be all end all source on revolutionary war information.
Similarly,
Dear Red States…
We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.
We get 85 percent of America 's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama .
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
Peace out,
Blue States
Oh, sweet Jesus - this has gone from GAL to PWI.
The Ironic thing is that I did not write that first post myself I received it in an email, I read the first paragraph and thought it was quite amusing and copied and pasted it on here, so for anyone wanting me to explain any parts of it sorry it’s not my personal opinions being expressed so I have no opinion either way, I could’nt even be bothered to read all of it before I posted it.
Why do the Seppos pronounce Z as zee? Is it to make the ABC song sound better?
[quote]LiveFromThe781 wrote:
lol@ anyone thinking we’ll ever use the metric system.
they tried it once, no one went along cause we already know the english system."[/quote]
I take it that you mean the IMPERIAL system?
[quote]Electric_E wrote:
To: The citizens of the United States of America
From: Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
- The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
[/quote]
Hey E.E. I hope you’re being bilingual there!
By the way:
1 US gallon = 3.785411784 litres (not liters)
= 0.832672482 UK (or, as I like to refer to them, “real”)gallons
[quote]Asgardian wrote:
Similarly,
Dear Red States…
We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
[/quote]
Where is Varq? We have already talked about forming a new country, and not-too-surprisingly, the new nation does not include any of the places you think are so important (with the exception of Washington, I think). We had maps and flags and everything.
You leave us with the vast majority of the natural resources and oil refineries.
Have a lot of fucking fun making movies at Yosimte paying about $25/gallon for gas, and having to support your welfare babies.
You yankee fucks would last about a month without the Red States. We, on the other hand would not even notice you being gone.
We burned down your white house, bitches.
Great post Electric_E
[quote]Unaware wrote:
ukrainian wrote:
IvanDmitritch wrote:
Magarhe wrote:
For everyone getting full of themselves over the war of independence, you need to re-learn your history - and not the American version you have been taught in schools, but the actual facts. USA has a bad habit of writing history the way it wishes it was, instead of how it was. (so does UK actually and in fact, every culture)
Oh god. Please, I’m all ears, educate me. In what ways does the “American” version differ from the one you were taught? Exactly what is this American version, anyways? I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest you haven’t spent much time studying history in an American university.
Guys, don’t you understand? The USA was wrong in fighting the war of independence. Although they were getting oppressed in the colonies, taxed unjustly, not represented in the parliament, and basically used to make England better, they had NO right to fight for independence and equality.
Where the fuck do people get the right to talk about the Revolution when they have no knowledge of what the hell happened and why?
First of all I would like to point out that no one in England is thinking about the revolutionary war, no one is bitter about it. It was 200 + years ago, no one cares.[/quote]
I don’t think anyone really believes otherwise, but this thread was started with a joke about revoking America’s independence, so clearly it must not be as much a forgotten topic as you seem to think…
Is that supposed to be the crux of the “American version?” Really? I still can’t help but imagine you haven’t any idea what is being taught in American universities. Or even in popular history books, for that matter.
Walk into any large book store and at random select a book on the American Revolution from the shelf and you’ll get a nuanced, complicated story.
Lol. Really!? Well shit, I’m going to blow the minds of some professors come Monday! Thanks for the heads-up!