Thoughts on Getting Married

Off Topic
21

I have absolutely no personal experience in this area, so include proverbial salt grains.

I see no reason to be legally married at such a young age. Emily’s post is quite affirming and lovely, but there is no reason that same situation couldn’t exist without a marriage contract. Legal marriage is a lot of pomp and useless ceremony that comes with a shit-ton of unnecessary risk.

I would be ecstatic to live with a woman I loved for the rest of my life, but see no reason to marry her, at least not any time soon. If I could be with her for fifty happy years, I’d seriously think about it, but marriage should have no bearing on a relationship if both people really love each other.

22

[quote]Vicomte wrote:
…[/quote]

Marriage is more about protecting the woman than the man. Obviously, men’s natural drive is to inseminate everything with a pulse (the pigs!). Women, on the other hand, are more interested in a male sticking around to feed and raise her progeny. Not that they traditionally gave a shit about the father of the children being the same as the meat-bringing pigeon (the bitches!).

We’ve certainly come a long way since then. Nowadays, marriage is mostly about religion, peer-pressure and social status. Women are now having a lot more control over their sexuality, and they are pretty much on equal ground with us males on most things.

But the pair-bonding drive is still more noticeable in women than men. Probably because most women haven’t broken free of the patriarchal shackles yet.

In any case, to quote Desmond Morris, marriage is something we’re designed for. We are healthier, live longer and seem happier when married. Whether signing a contract has anything to do with it or not is up for debate, but I’m siding with the yes group on that one. The most important thing is to have some sort of moral commitment. The rest isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

P.S: EmilyQ, I’m jealous of your couple’s happiness. In any case, God bless! May I inquire about the exact number of years you guys have been together?

23

[quote]Natural Nate wrote:
Mick28 wrote:

Like the old joke goes: Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Okay seriously, you have to realize that these guys are just trying to be cool. Keep in mind the sort of sight that you’re on. They have to say what they’re saying…what if someone said. I love my wife and getting married was the best thing that ever happened to me. My wife and I share most things in life and it’s just great.

You see?

That’s not very T-Manly now is it?

Forget what everyone …at least on this sight…has to say. I mean you might be giving this sight too much credit. Keep in mind they have things like “ass worship” threads…you know what I’m saying? If you went over to the “Ladies Home Journal” sight you would get a far different view of marriage. But then again I guess that would be as twisted in one direction as this sight is in the other.

Hey…here’s an idea…

If you’ve found someone that you love and that loves you for who you are …go get married. You don’t need the approval or opinion of anyone on this sight.

In the end “marriage” is not good or bad, it’s both. Just like anything else it’s the people involved that can either make it good or bad.

And get a prenup.
[/quote]

I agree prenup all the way.
If you are willing to go into one potential life long contract then why not counter it with another contract for insurance reasons.

I know why my wife is fighting a legal divorce,reason is because even though she moved to another state and she is with someone else and I too had other people in my life,she still wants to cash in when i buy my house and she wants me to help pay for her medical which i am doing in the form of medical insurance its too much a pain to change all that paperwork.

I did truly love my wife and in ways I still do, Idid promise to take care of her and love her till I died because well we were best friends and then lovers and it seemed right.

I dont care who you are EVERYONE has a face,they put on a face to get what they want from you weather its the sweet lines to pick them up,the fancy perfume that you like,the way they do thier hair even.

once your married and they know deep down maybe subconciencely they know they can then really be themselves and thats when you learn that maybe they are truly right for you or most often then not they are wrong.

face it we live in the real world and love stories do happen and end up happily ever after with house and picket fence and the 3.5 kids however its rare and don’t say we didnt tell you when your lady decides she was too young to be tied down the way she is and runs off with someone from her work that she thinks is better suited for her after she thinks your boring.

25

Don’t do it.

And before you do, make sure you read “Why You Do The Things You Do” by Tim Clntion. Get it on Amazon.com

Another good book to read is Boundaries. I would also highly recommend some pre-marital counseling before you go through with things.

26

People on these forums depress me…off to the beach

27

The thing I don’t understand about the ‘it’s meaningless/just a piece of paper people’ is that if it’s so meaningless, why are you so deadset against it.

If it’s just a formality and no different than a longterm and loving, committed realationship, why not do it. [prenup if you must I suppose if it’s practical consequences you’re worried about] I think it’s much more than a formalistic ritual and symbolic and indicative of a deeper committment and approach to a relationship.

The next step that some people just don’t want to take. People who avoid it want to give themselves an ‘out’ consciously or unconsciously. This is not to say that I think marriage is for everyone or that you can’t be happy without getting married. I certainly think you can.

28

[quote]justrob wrote:
I’m getting married in a couple of months.

I’m a headstrong and independent person and have been that way all my life. For most of my 27 years, I believed I’d never get married and settle down - I had a vision for my future, and a wife, kids and domestication were not part of that picture.

Then 4 years back I met an absolute angel who loves me for the madman I am, and everything changed. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her, have a family, and altogether have a different life than I had envisioned when younger.

That’s me 95 percent of the time.

The other 5 percent of the time, I think about what I’m giving up, namely the general freedom to do what I want all the time and all that entails.

Now, these thoughts are not casting the slightest shadow of a doubt over me getting married. She brings so much into my life, and I’m ready and I want it - and without question we will have a wonderful life together.

But I’m sure I’m not Robinson Crusoe in my ‘5 percent’ thoughts. Maybe it’s part of being guy, maybe it’s a grass is greener thing, maybe it’s just life.

For you guys who’ve been there and done that, any advice, thoughts, experiences, how it’s changed (if at all) over the years, the impact of kids etc?

(Minor edits)
[/quote]

IF you mean by general freedom…fuck anyone you want…then im not gonna bother giving my opinion but If you mean that you want to be spontaneous and do new things, as long as your wife is game do w\e you want together.

Many people are happily married, its people who arnt willing to compromise for the people that they love or people who didnt think about what they want in life that get divorced…if you wana get drunk every night partying till your forty then have nothing…dont get married

29

[quote]Loose Tool wrote:
, be prepared to share her a lot.

[/quote]

And he doesn’t mean the way Push shares the Meesus, that would be FUN sharing. He means in the “sorry, honey I’m just to tired to do anything with you, the kids wore me out” sort of way.

I, personally, have never had a desire to get married. I never wanted kids, either. The idea of being married before having kids is nice, since everyone will have the same name. As far as the “stable household” thing goes, that’s a gamble.

It is fantastic that Push and his wife are happy and raised a great son. A lot of kids grow up with two people who can’t stand each other anymore, but stay together anyway. That teaches the kid how to live with someone you hate. Not a great example.

30

Do the ceremony, keep the government out of it.

Bah, what do I know?

31

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
Marriage is what the two people make it, good or bad.[/quote]

Yep.

[quote]CaliforniaLaw wrote:
What makes you think she won’t change once you’re married? Oh, you’re the exception, right. ;-)[/quote]

“Women get married expecting the man will change, but he won’t. Men get married expecting the woman won’t change but she does.”

Lol. God bless the gold-diggers who set feminism back 50 years.

32

been married twice. new motto" better dead than wed" end of story.

33

[quote]toejam wrote:
been married twice. new motto" better dead than wed" end of story.[/quote]

“Groom to Doom”

34

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I love being married. I love going to bed together each night and waking up together every morning. He’s my best friend, how lucky is it that we get to do that?

We have similar basic values. Where we diverge, I think we each add something to the team the other needs. I’m more compassionate, he’s more driven. We’re good for each other. I’m more ambitious than I may otherwise have been because I don’t want to disappoint him. He’s nicer, probably because he doesn’t want to listen to me talk about it when he’s not.

I love that we know all the same people. I love that I get to have his family in addition to mine, though they’re a bunch of irritating weirdos. I love the family we’ve built of our own. I love that when I get hurt or outraged I can report it to him, and he’ll be suitably upset, or pretend to be.

I love watching TV curled up against him, it’s like a drug to me. I love that we have a thousand shared jokes. I love that I don’t feel the need to censor myself when I’m with him.

We’ve been married for years. Forever, it feels like. When he gives me a bear hug and says “God, I love you,” I still nearly die of pleasure.

[/quote]

Your happiness is just contagious, Emily.

35

“Marriage is like that show Everybody Loves Raymond, but it’s not funny. All the problems are the same, but, you know, instead of all the funny, pithy dialogue, everybody is really pissed off and tense.”

36

I didn’t intend this to be a ‘is marriage good or bad’ debate (we’ve been there a few times on this forum already), but interesting to read the responses nonetheless. Obviously everyone’s experiences (their own or people around them) is going to colour their opinion.

Marriage is a human practice or institution (religion, government, the law are others that come to mind). It can’t be inherently good of bad in itself - it’s people who make it work or stuff it up.

I agree with jsbrook and pushharder (well you’d hope so, considering I’m about to be married), that that act of signing a marriage certificate adds something significant to a relationship, never mind that it’s intangible. I’ve seen this happen with couples I’ve known who’ve already been living together for years. Of course, we’re assuming that it’s a solid relationship in the first place.

And as I said earlier, when kids are involved the effect is greater.

Loose Tool, short and to the point, thanks.

37

if she makes you happy and you want to spend your life with her, marry her. you cannot worry about what ‘might’ happen 10 years from now.

many people bought houses 5 years ago never thinking that the housing market may turn and they may lose their home or atleast the true value of their investment. does that mean they should have never bought the house?? in my opinion, the decision was good when I made it and it was made with the right intentions.

trying to live your life based on what might happen is a prison far deeper than a marriage could put you in. you’ll be 45 single still at the bar looking for the ‘right girl’…relationships are work therefore they are made not given and definitely not easy, but thats what makes them so beautiful.

and you’re right kids are the best…the effect is MUCH greater. follow your heart not your head!

38

LOL… nice thread!

Life changes when you transition from simple dating to living together or getting married. Life changes again when you go from committed couple to having a family.

Some people are too selfish or too stuck in their ways to deal with someone else so intimately involved in their life. Some people are too controlling or too inconsiderate to make a good partner.

However, I’m one of those people that thinks marriage is a good idea, even if governments already consider you married without the piece of paper. Sometimes symbols are important…

Just be aware of the changes that are going to happen at various stages of life and that the two of you are both willing to respect the other and work together to find a way to make things work. Heh, often our coping strategies are not very constructive – such as wanting to cut and run when things get tough, or perhaps getting upset when things don’t happen the way we are used to.

39

[quote]charlie_bear wrote:
if she makes you happy and you want to spend your life with her, marry her. you cannot worry about what ‘might’ happen 10 years from now. [/quote]

Totally agree.

[quote]
and you’re right kids are the best…the effect is MUCH greater. follow your heart not your head![/quote]

Not quite sure about this one. I think you need both.

I think it’s essential that you go into every significant commitment in life (not just marriage, but career, setting up a business, managing your money, and even lifting weights) with a lot of passion and emotion (ie, heart).

But it’s often the ‘head’ things (ie, the lack of) that gets people unstuck in the long term. Not knowing yourself or what you really want in life, or not knowing your partner (her values, what she really wants), not having a solid business plan, not following a good training program, not setting up a budget, not making sound investment decisions.

“Heart” gets you going and keeps you going through the rough times. “Head” generally minimises the impact of the rough times, but more importantly minimises the chance of rough times occuring in the first place.

But I like the sentiment. :slight_smile:

40

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
Marriage is what the two people make it, good or bad.
[/quote]

Uh… sometimes it’s impossible to compensate for 1 of the 2.

Wife #1 -

  • cheated
  • hid things from me
  • multiple personality
  • Threw tantrums
  • Told her friends she had inoperable brain cancer.
  • Faked a rape including police report.
  • … etc.

Wife #2 - (got rid of her after 3 months)
found out she was very much like wife #1 plus:

  • Borderline Personality Disorder
  • lier lier lier
  • Manipulator of all she touched
  • Required being the center of attention
  • self mutilator
  • Faked pregnancy and/or lied about miscarriage
  • Claimed to be a 3 time cancer survivor
  • Think she poisoned me twice (both times had intestinal burning for 3-4 days, not cramps)
  • She filed for marriage to a former friend of mine ONE DAY after I filed for divorce. Can’t wait till she tries to screw him over and take 1/2 his possessions. I’ll make sure he finds out about the legality of the marriage.