Um you know… maybe the indvidual might have actually been a good person who might actually cared about others.
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The problem is that he told her to smile. He could have asked why and showed empathy or not said anything
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I think in this case it’s a generational thing. The guy wasn’t commanding her to smile. Because it no different then saying cheer up what’s wrong.
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I think that’s it. On a scale on of 1-10 of offensive things, this is not even on the chart. It’s just something people used to say, men and women.
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Exactly… it showed you might actually gave a shit about a fellow human being. Not sure when it became somthing with negative connotation? Someone didn’t send a me the memo…
like you mentioned and can attest to @ChickenLittle
Around are generation it was somthing you said to engage with someone whom looked in distress and you were trying to be a decent person.
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Exactly. Usually said by people who understand that whatever you are going through will pass.
It makes my day when I go into a store and somebody is having bad day, I talk to them a while, they end up smiling and laughing, then tell they are glad I came in. I made their day.
I do believe that smiles are contagious.
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No. He didn’t.
If everybody walked around lashing out every time someone else didn’t understand what another person was experiencing this world would be a horrible place.
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Interesting, fun discussion about the “smile” comment. I used to work in restaurants and bars and young women would always get ill when old guys told them to smile.
My girlfriend bartends, hears it all the time and hates it. Because it’s always when she’s busy and it’s not a “Smiling Time.”
To avoid problems myself, I just stare at women creepily.
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I will say I’m about 50/50 on the subject. I can understand the generational aspects behind it, but I also understand the issues with whatever unspoken power dynamics people feel are behind it.
I do think linguistics-wise, word choices can have perceived connotations for different people. Specifically, however, a lot of women see it as a maneuver in which older men try to assert dominance, and other people can see that phrase as being dismissive.
Perceived importance is such a grey covered area. I don’t think I could begin to get into detail and make it make some sort of sense without rambling your ears off if I’m being honest Bulldog, not to mention this particular topic has a bunch of feminism undertones to it. I’m all for feminism, but topics get reaaaallllyyyyy sensitive, really fast. This being on of them.
I wouldn’t say it’s a memo, just something that pops up in modern social studies/ gender studies. Attitudes shift throughout the generations. That’s no shade on you, I think In general you’re about as caring as anyone could be by way of just wanting to see folks do better.
While I can’t fully agree, I think it’s a two way street type of thing. But again, to some people, particular statements can be deemed as dismissive.
I do agree that quite a few people simply care, or are doing/saying something they deem positive, but words do hold different meaning to different people.
I think most people, even younger generations, still carry that with them when interacting socially, it’s just the change of word choice. Intent can be all the same, but again, word choice can mess it up. Not because it’s any one particular person’s fault, but because certain words can carry different meanings.
While I’m not comfortable being told to smile myself, I do respond well every time to the question, “Hey, are you okay?” “What’s wrong?” Versus “Hey, smile.” One is asking a question, another is, quite frankly, giving a command. Albeit a polite command, but it’s still a command.
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Agreed.
I will always be biased, to a degree, in favor towards my mom, simply because she’s my mom. And while she’s quite hot-headed, she’s had shown equal actions of being considerate and nice, etc.
She expressed not feeling great some time after that whole thing happened. She lashed out, however I understand why. And she mentioned something similar by why of just not liking that particular phrase, and she swings more towards the side of not knowing what someone else is going through, and would’ve preferred no interactions.
There’s justification on both ends, granted I lean towards the more gentle approach. I don’t like lashing out at all, because it makes it that much more difficult for people to understand me, and I’m someone who gets frustrated by that. I’m quick to isolate, but rarely do I lash out.
In public situations I’ve been practicing just being clear and concise on whatever issues are bothering me. I say practice because talking about what bothers me in quick-paced social settings to people I don’t know makes me anxious, and most times I just get nervous, but people tend to respond in a more neutral/understanding way if you do.
But all in all, I understand and agree.
In other words, it would look like most places on the internet.
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Oh, absolutely. And you more fully understood what she was going through. I wouldn’t want that previous post to be taken as invalidating those emotions or their gravity. Or the following.
I end up running into a lot of grieving mothers through my wife’s participation in codependency recovery groups. Very often they’ll have tears in their eyes as they grab my arm and beseech me to continue in recovery while also angrily pleading “Why didn’t this work for my son! Why does Someone Like You get to live while my son is dead!” as they share how hard he tried to get clean or sober but unfortunately failed, mortally.
Now using critical intersectional what ever it is now, and because no one can truly understand me unless they’ve lived my life (honestly I can’t even understand my own) I should have every right to shrug her hand off, and tell her about my mother who She reminds me of and how much pain she caused.
Instead, I comfort her. Tell her something nice about her son, because usually I knew him at least in passing and share with her my hope for her finding at least some small measure of peace and comfort, which I believe is a very human, and probably about the only thing I can do to help.
I can relate to these things, but only if I give some room to other people and where they stand, and they allow the same.
I dont mean to come off as preachy with all of that. I can tell you’re a very empathetic and compassionate person. I’m just blathering.
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For me it would be easier to just say “maybe later” or whatever if someone ever said it to me, which thinking about it, no one ever has. I think variations on “thank you” are an under-used option for a lot of these irritating over-steppings that people do. Is it a stupid thing to say? Sure. But it’s not malicious. I reserve my outrage for people who are both stupid and ill-intentioned.
At the same time, I don’t blame @planetcybertron’s mom at all for going off. Grief is tough, so you get some slack.
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Everytime I update my computer it gets worse!
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Ah, so I should be grateful that an older man is “looking out for my well-being” by demanding I smile for him. It’s always a command in my experience. I realize that this happens to men as well as women, but I am not male, so I can’t speak for that. I could agree that it is partially a generational difference.
Sometimes family members told me to smile when I was growing up, but at least it is not creepy. I’m not a big smiler. I don’t smile unless I have a reason. I realize smiling is part of some people’s personalities in a way, and that’s fine. That’s not me. But regardless of whether or not that is the case, I don’t exist for someone else’s gaze – especially not for one of an older man I don’t know. I suspect that their intentions in most cases are innocent, but it is objectifying (i.e. you’re bothered that I don’t look pretty for you). Sometimes they make this clearer when they say “you should smile more.” It’s an expectation that I need to look happy-go-lucky all the time. Why should I smile when I’m getting off a train (this literally happened to me days ago)? Why should I smile when I’m tired, at the grocery store, and just want to go home? You’re not making me happier in this way; you’re telling me to look happy. I usually ignore it, but sometimes I’m called a bitch for doing that.
I would still be a little weirded out if a stranger walked up to me and asked if something is wrong, or asked me how I am doing (not in the superficial way most people ask, like a greeting) but those wouldn’t irritate me like someone insisting I smile. There’s a huge difference there. Because at least then I’m considered a human being with feelings instead of an object.
I understand that there are bigger problems in the world, but it does leave me feeling sour for a litte bit after it happens. And it happens to me often enough that I felt the need to rant about it here. 
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I’m completely on your side of the argument here. I consume quite a bit of feminist/ equality movement media/ texts whatever and this exact topic has been brought up a bunch. Therefore I’m maybe a bit more aware of the affected people’s feelings than someone who has not spend any time looking at the argument from that perspective. Affected people’s feeling is the main key word in any discussion of this kind for me. It’s what matters most.
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Off topic, but this really annoyed me. Don’t buy a lifting book, run half a program and then complain you didn’t “get it”.
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I don’t think anyone is suggesting you be grateful and I suspect the person wasn’t making demands. We all have limited energy and we can all get rubbed the wrong way by relatively small things. Often discussions like these are good “therapy”, other times they’re not.
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Simple solution … water and salt
Another simple solution but more for your problem, and one I employ on my work computer: don’t update it (the IT guys hate me)
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I usually put off updating but There’s some very important software I need that required an update (another very long story)
Luckily I have computer nerds on tap