Then..... and Now

Off Topic
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Cass: Well, it certainly took me by surprise how much a response this thread (and the anticipation of it) has caused. The last several weeks have really opened my eyes to how many lurkers we have that are in health positions similar to this. Here I was thinking I face challenges to a healthy lifestyle and then I get more than just a handful of PMs from others in much more difficult circumstances but who refuse to let those circumstances conquer their drive and determination to live the lifestyle they desire.

That’s inspiring to me. Somehow they derive motivation from me, and I’m amazed at how much I am getting from hearing their stories.

I was hoping to have a chance to start answering him tonight but I’m most likely going to have to get to it tomorrow.

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Pearljam: Lookin’ forward to it!

I’ll start addressing the questions in the PM:

Short answer: A toxic pregnancy. More involved answer: A toxic marriage complicated by a toxic pregnancy.

While the physcical weight gain was caused by the pregnancy, the fact that I went into a very deep depression (and kept the weight on) for the following 3 years was due to my poor attempt at coping with the relationship.

The psychological issues at play in the marriage were deprivation and neglect - very similar issues to what I faced from my parents growing up. In fact, the entire dynamic of the marriage was me trying to be get some sort of response from him. From trying to be the perfect “June Cleaveresque” wife with a four course meal on the table at 5:30pm every night, complete with a spotless house, heels, pearls and my hair in an updo to not showering for 7 day stretches, house in shambles and one-sided screaming fights. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get a response from him. Not a confrontation, not a muttered curse, not even a glance in my direction. The breeze blowing through the house had more notice payed than I.

Not only was I ‘in the moment’ of that painful relationship, it also dregged up hauntings of childhood. If you’ve read the “Suicide” thread, you’d see ways I attempted to cope with my parent’s neglect. It didn’t matter if I brought home a 4.0GPA from all Honors/AP courses or if I was away from home for weeks on end doing/selling drugs. I simply didn’t exist to my parents. Their persuit of money and schooling was too important and time consuming to even acknowledge my presence. And my marriage was bringing those past issues up to merge with the present treatment I was receiving.

All things combined to throw me for a loop. At one point, I was suicidal/homicidal. I kept having “visions” of myself slaughtering my child, my husband and then myself. That stage didn’t last long thanks to a lovely PBT cocktail (Paxil, Buspar and Trazadone) and a 10 day stay in a psych ward. Several times the prescriptions ran out before I was allowed to refill them and I had lapses back to that state. My ex finally realized it behooved him to allow me the drugs after he found me stalking the house with a butcher knife and being completely incoherent until he had slapped me repeatedly (which perhaps he did out of his own frustration rather than necessity).

The most interesting part of that little story is that after I reconciled myself to leaving him, my need for the drugs evaporated. It’s been said in another thread that Paxil is something you need to wean yourself off, and for most people I’d agree. However, once I made my desicion, I just quit. Felt no need for it and experienced no withdrawl from it. I had no more anxiety. I had no more insominia. I had no more “irrational” thoughts plague me. I felt the tremendous burden lifted and the need for supporting ‘crutches’ evaporated.

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The only bad “habit” I developed was that of ignoring my body signalling hunger and thirst. The fact that I moved for maybe 10 minutes all day (from bed to couch and back) wasn’t a “habit” in that it’s not something that stayed with me after I left that dark place, while ignoring hunger and thirst did.

I developed that habit out of my lack of desire to move. It was simply more work to get up more than once a day and eat than was worth it. When I did eat, it was Hamburger Helper or Mac-n-cheese or some other processed crap food. That was all he bought (I wasn’t allowed to shop) so it’s all we had in the house. I knew I HAD to eat, so I did. Anything beyond that was just too much effort.

My decision to divorce my ex was the trigger. I finally came around to where I realized in my heart (knowing something in your head is different than knowing/feeling it in your heart) that I am not soley responsible for the failure or success of my marriage and that I can only do so much about it. If he was unwilling/unable to contribute then divorce is a viable alternative to living in hell, or killing one of us.

Once I reached that point, wheels started turning. I took better care of myself physically. I got a job. I joined a gym. I started having a social life. I started getting positive feedback from a variety of sources. These things just greased the cogs and by the time I physically left his household, I had dropped about 70lbs.

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Lean on? Ha. Myself. I had no one.

As far as supporting my decision to leave the marriage (the thing that triggered the regaining control of my life, including my health) - My parents were against me divorcing him citing the fact that at least he provided a roof over my head and food to eat. Hey, who cares if the relationship is mentally/emotionally/psychologically damaging, plus the every now and then physically abusive? As long as the asshole provides a roof and food, it’s the female’s job to stay and be June fucking Cleaver. Thank you, sir. May I have another? Uuh, not.

Anyway, even had they supported me leaving him, they live halfway across the States from me and were in no position to help me on a day-to-day basis. I had no real friends, just some coworker acquaintances, so “friend support” didn’t happen. His family was dead set agaist me leaving so no support there. I had no one. It was ‘sink or swim’ on my own.

As far as supporting my decision to lose weight and be healthy - That was, again, all on my own. Having zero circle of support for one meant having zero for the other.

Oh yeah. I was my worst “destructive influence”. Sure, I had issues at different jobs, issues with the ex, issues with boyfriends and all. But hands down, I’m the best at cutting my knees out from under myslef. Most of that came from the insane desire to please others and be accepted/acknowledged by others and subjugating my true self in the process. Once I finally got to where I’m at now with my pat “Fuck 'em all” attitude, it’s amazing how few people or circumstances fluster me.

I dealt with myself. Lots of soul searching, journaling, and redefining who I am and how I interact with the world.

It’s not my responsibility to make others happy.
It’s not my responsibility to make others like me.
My worth is in no way tied to other’s opinions of me.
My thoughts, feelings and opinions are just as valid, and valuable, as anyone else’s.
My life experiences are my truths and cannot be dismissed or invalidated by others.
My goals are for myself and others cannot negatively influence them.

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WOW!

that’s all I can say ~karma~

…to this post, your physical transformation, your conviction and mental strenght…wow

congratulations

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~Karma~ you are very beutiful in many ways keep up the good work…you inspire me tons ;}

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I ment beautiful …sorry for my spelling sux

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Karma,

You’re a hotty, the work you’ve done to yourself is inspirational, and your candid approach to this very personal topic shows evidence of how down to earth you are.

Thanks for posting your story.

B.

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Hi,
Just wanted to let you know that you look like any woman would want to look like. Can I ask how you accomplished your goals

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WOW, I never knew this thread existed! That’s one incredible transformation, Karma. Awesome work, I never even would have guessed that you were once overweight. My wife was blown away when she I showed her this thread.

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Hey Karma,

Props to you and your transformation. Your physique show what a little determination and knowledge can accomplish. My hat goes off to you.

Massif.

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[quote]~karma~ wrote:
This isn’t going to be quite as polished as I’d wanted it to be but I simply HAVE to get it started. To those of you who’ve PM’d me about this, I’m not ignoring you but am just swamped with similar messages and this is probably the easiest way to answer everyone.

I’ve wanted for some time now to show the physique changes I’ve made over the last several years and to tell a bit of the story that goes along with it. I think that there’s a lot of people out there who could identify with it and use it as motivation to help them reach their goals.

I didn’t really know where this thread would be the most appropriate fit - The T/N board doesn’t allow for pics; the Photo board seems to be more for those seeking evaluations. While I have used Biotest’s HotRox, I’ve used other sups too so that board didn’t make sense, so that leaves here - the Off Topic Section. Hopefully someday there will be a section just for the support and celebration of ongoing transformations where detailed diet and training logs for each subject can be viewed and mentoring relationships can begin. As such, I don’t want this thread to be all about me. I would love for anyone who has made a significant (by their own standards) change in their physique to do a show-n-tell also. Whether you started out a skinny bastard(ette) or a fat bastard(ette) doesn’t matter. Someone out there will be able to see the progress you’ve made, identify with it, and use it to motivate them toward their respective goals.

The above pic is the “now”; certainly not an “after” as I have much more progress to make. There are true fatty pics in the next post as well as part of the story. Please feel free to ask questions in whatever level of detail you’d like. I’m pretty damn near impossible to offend or embarrass, so any be as blunt as you’d like.[/quote]

i love your ass. i want one just like it!!

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[quote]~karma~ wrote:
I’m going to go into a level of detail that may not appeal to some, and that’s fine. Ya’ll can go read something else. My hope is that someone somewhere will be able to identify with at least a portion of this and wring something useful out of it.

This is me at ~190lbs. Not the best shot to see the sheer size of it but then, who has pics taken of them when their grossly overweight?

At age 21 prior to becoming pregnant, I was 110lbs and roughly 11%BF as I was training for an up coming regional bodybuilding show. Four months into a toxic pregnancy, I’d gained almost 40lbs, was having heart palpatations and weekly ultrasound and bloodwork tests done. By my 7th month I was on complete bedrest and delivery was induced at the beginning of my 8th month. When I delivered my son, I weighed 194lbs. That’s an 84lb gain in less than 8 months. That fucked with not only my body, but my head. Big time.

My marriage had much to be desired and shortly after my son was born, I went into a deep depression. I had known my husband for all of 4 months when I’d gotten knocked up. Marrying a virtual stranger because “it’s the right thing to do” in that situation is the really absolutely wrong thing to do. Between the wretched marriage and the weight gain (with all the psychological issues pertaining to that) I spent the next 3 years in a very bad place, physically and mentally. When I finally reached the end of my endurance and made the decision to leave the marriage, my life began.[/quote]

you are very inspriational. i appreciate you sharing your story. i identify with many things you’ve said. you’re AWESOME!!!

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This site never ceases to amaze me. Does anyone have a kleenex?

Dear Karma,
You’re real person, not plastic. We need more strong women to come forth to balance out the ying and yang of this world. I’m tired of the wars, misunderstandings and little compassion for those who are less fortunate. Thanks so much for sharing your humanity and inner warrior.

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Your story and journey is very inspiring.

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[quote]MARLENA wrote:
Hi,
Just wanted to let you know that you look like any woman would want to look like. Can I ask how you accomplished your goals[/quote]

Hey! Bringing this back up is a blast from the past. Thanks!

As for all the initial stuff, I really don’t have anything to add to what was posted prior. I could go into what I’m currently doing if that’s what you were wondering about.

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To all of you horndogs posting asking Karma to marry them and hitting on her in general, allow me to make a suggestion. If you’re interested in dating chicks who are into working out and eating right and who have nice bodies, I’d recommend frequenting places where you’re likely to find these types of women. For ex., hanging out at the Starbucks next to a gym, taking yoga classes, gymnastic classes, playing in co-ed leagues etc.

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…my mind is boggled…

I don?t even want to see a picture when you are “finished” , because I?m a mere mortal…

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Wow, incredible after pics. Whether she is in shape or not, for me there is nothing like a woman who is proud of her body. Hope things continue to look up for you…

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Incredible work. Keep it up! Oh, and post as many pics as you want :wink: