I need to go back to this, because “long relationship filled with abuse” is not fair to my ex, and I try to be honest, with others and myself. And I post about these things because I feel that online echo chambers are incredibly destructive. I want to add whatever balance I can. SO: the issue with my ex was that he was very externalized in his thinking and assumptions. If he was unhappy, something or someone caused it. He also looked for solutions outside of himself. I see a lot of that on these boards; externalization of blame. (You are not one of these externalizers, Njord.) He was also pessimistic and depressive by nature. More and more as he got older.
The positives of him were profound. He was an incredibly hard worker, at work and at home. We had four stair-step children, a labrador retriever, and a cat at any given time. We hosted holidays for his family easily, working together. We took our four children to the beach every year, starting when the youngest was 1 and the other three were 2, 4, and 6. We rollerbladed through parks with two kids in a double stroller and one in a single, with the oldest riding on training wheels beside us. As they got older we hiked and played kickball together. We took our bikes on trail rides. We built a house filled with light and hosted parties there. He built and sold a business, allowing us to relocate from Dallas/Ft Worth to a 200 year old house on 5 acres in New England. I was a SAHM and did college and grad school as such, now with medium aged kids, a labrador, and a cat. We all cleaned house during those years. We were a well-oiled and effective parenting machine.
Life is more complicated than the internet would have us think.
The dark side of that marriage is known here. His anger and outbursts were present throughout that really golden time. Along and along I discovered infidelity, squandering of both the significant money he made and also money my father left when he died - some of which I locked into a trust, which was all that remained at the end despite my eventually earning money as well. There were fights about money, which I never won. His untreated depression kept getting worse, causing the slide of his career and earning power as his reckless spending increased. His sense of himself as victimized because I wouldn’t swing. All valid reasons, in my opinion, to leave. That guy had everything, as far as I can tell, before he lost interest in caring for or about it. Our kids (all successful, 3 of the 4 homeowners) seem to agree that the divorce was justified, though they may regret that I didn’t continue to stabilize him, which put them on the hook eventually.
May I ask on what authority you say this? Because you say, essentially, that “absolutely, the self-aware ones will say so” and I say “no, this is silly, all people behave poorly at times and their partner has to either react to it or not.” My authority is my exposure to vast numbers of people who are not as exposed to these online tropes as you and I and who never use these terms or seem to observe them. And also maybe my master’s degree in behavioral sciences. Why such certainty on your part? Which is not even to say that you stand no chance of being correct, but…??
And since I’m here, is this meant to be serious? Scorekeeping as a female construct, along with cheating? Lol.