The Dating Thread

Off Topic
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@BrickHead @dt79

Sup doodz

Sir Brick esquire the second, you’ve mentioned as to how heterosexual men and women are rarely intertwined within close, purely platonic relationships. Or if they are, they rarely spend time alone in close quarters.

I have a smidgen of a conundrum to which I could use some advice from those who are far wiser than I am in this field, henceforth I have a question.

In the friend group I’m enveloped within, there is this girl whom I am friendly with albeit within a platonic fashion. I am not romantically interested in this woman and even if I were, pursuing a relationship would end in disaster due to our diverse albeit dynamically opposed backgrounds.

To note… I’d like to specify I am NOT romantically interested in the slightest, we are friends who lend a listening/helping ear when either one of us is in trouble and/or down in the dumps.

Anyyyyhew, come the end of lockdown she asked if I was interested in hanging out. I said “sure”, and we’ve scheduled in a time to meet up. Upon asking what she wanted to do, it appears she wants to go out to eat, or come to my house to watch a movie with me.

I accepted the invitation as I am lonely during the weekends. When I’m not training or at work, I’m alone. I could go out and meet up with people, but I don’t like clubbing or going to bars and since lockdown has lifted it appears as if that’s almost all the younger crowd is doing… Making up for lost time I suppose… But I’m not interested in wasting my money like that unless we refer to very special occasions, and even then I don’t enjoy it anymore. Clubs and bars play god awful music… If they’d play some Slayer or something I’d be there in a heartbeat, but i’m sick of hearing Cardi B’s WAP on loudspeaker… Bring back disco even, I’d rather dance to that…

Now the more I think of it, the more I worry this girl thinks we might be going out on a date. How do I ensure a platonic/friendzone style vibe is maintained? How do I go about GENTLY letting her down if she tries to kiss me/make an advance on me in a manner that won’t hurt her feelings and/or ruin our friendship?

My brother doesn’t seem to think this is a red flag/indicative that she likes me, however I’ve seen her drop a few hints in the past; but as an autistic individual i’m about as socially aware as a potato with legs at times so perhaps the hints she dropped were indicative of normal social interaction?

I have made it clear in the past that I’m “not looking for a relationship” which isn’t necessarily true, I’m just not looking for a relationship with her… That sounds nasty, she’s a nice girl; but I’m not into her like that, and I can’t force feelings that aren’t there.

The best way out I can see that doesn’t involve hurting anyone is… Telling the truth.

“I’m leaving the country in a couple of weeks, we can’t do this”

Coupled with

“I don’t do casual hookups” which isn’t necessarily true. I’m not a fan of hooking up, but it’s not as if I wouldn’t/haven’t. I just need to be confident the person I’m hooking up with is single and hasn’t been leading someone else on all night only to ditch them, as that’s also a nasty scenario I’ve seen eventuate from time to time and I’d hate to find myself on the other end of that stick. Hookups are about lust and desire; I am not physically attracted to this individual… Ahh… That sounds mean…

It should be noted we HAVE hung out alone before in public places.

Anyone? Advice?

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I don’t feel comfortable giving advice to a specific person on a forum. Previously in this thread I gave my take on some things generally.

I do not know this woman. She might want to hang out as friends, though it beats me why a woman would want to hang at a man’s place if she is not romantically interested. Even if she is interested like that it doesn’t mean she will make a first move, nor does a date have to involve that.

Now that I look back on things and understand what is even the point of men and women being together, I think so-called hookups are pointless and are bound to result in hurt feelings. But I’m also against the construct of boyfriend-and-girlfriend after one’s early 20’s. So I don’t think I’m a guy most men should take advice from.

All I’ll end with is she is not going to be your wife and you are leaving the country soon. Even if you hang out for one night it’s not a big deal. You’re gone soon. If you truly like her as a friend, then you can hang out with her because of that. As said I have a female friend of 20 years. In the past we did hang out alone a few times. That is a rare thing.

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590

It occurred to me a couple of days ago that sex is where this hypergamy probably plays out for most socioeconomically fit couples. Women want relatively equitable relationships (i.e. we both do the dishes), but in bed most women want to see their partner as strong and commanding. The protector/provisioner comes into play here as well. He COULD physically overpower, but chooses instead to offer tenderness and pleasure.

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591

No truer words have ever been spoken (just busting your chops)

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Uhh… me???
I was in a similar situation with gym friend. I went over to his place to watch shows and cook bc none of my other friends wanted/had time to and the place I live (sorority house) didn’t allow visitors bc COVID

593

Of course it’s a possibility. You and this woman and others might simply want to hang out with a man at his place in the evening solely as friends. However it’s completely reasonable that a man, including unreal right here, to ponder the motivation for such a plan.

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Of course it is!

I’m just saying that some women might engage in behaviours indicative of romantic interest without having romantic interest
But you’ve already acknowledged this. As usual, we are on the same page

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OK, lol.

I just don’t think I’m in a position to directly advise men who are into being into relationships with women. I don’t see the point in them. They do apparently. I knew what my point was when I had a few girlfriends, one of them likely being, “This is what you do. Guys should have girlfriends.” There’s also sex and company of course and fitting in with those around oneself.

But as I said, all that I’ve learned and read until now, dropping atheism, having a family, being involved in community activity, I have a dim view on hookups (which I’ve had in the past, regrettably so) and see “relationships”, as enjoyable as they can be, as pointless in the end and with less return than investment.

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596

At the same time? Surely not?

(Joking btw, I know the answer)

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Yes however there are certain ques that may infer one is interested in you. Like laughing at all of your jokes, becoming touchy when physical contact isn’t warranted, coming to you for issues you could go to virtually anyone else for, complementing your body/physical appearance, talking about physical intimacy/associated constructs with you.

Perhaps I’m picking up on nothing, but these SEEM like things that imply someone has a little bit of a crush

This is what I was thinking. If it was the whole friend group it’d make sense

But just the two of us?

I’m going to try see if I can take the Meetup to a public place.

Agreed… Unless she tries to initiate a hookup, because I don’t want that. It’d damage the friend group due to a dynamic that I won’t detail on here. I’m not saying it might lead to hurt feelings, it WOULD lead to hurt feelings. So much so that it’d actually damage the friend group and might lead to me getting kicked out of the group.

That and I’m not attracted to her, but even if I was I’d still decline as the consequences that would ensue aren’t worth it.

It’s drama that doesn’t need to unfold. Then there’s the “but no one would find out”… From my experience, someone ALWAYS finds out, especially within closely knit friendship circles. From there it’s just one slip of the tongue from the individual who finds out… Now everyone knows…

Depends. Now this isn’t my scene anymore, but I’ll outline a scene where a care free hookup can occur.

You’re at a bar counting down to new year’s. You’re a ‘little bit’ drunk. At the time new year’s eve unfolds… Well it’s a little bit like mistletoe

The countdown finishes. You look at the person next to you, whaddyaknow… It’s a single girl, a friend of a friend of a friend you know (or something) She looks at you, you look at her… Case closed!

No one is hurt

Is it pointless? Absolutely. Is it satisfying? Ehh, not really. Do I enjoy this? Once again… Not really. It’s fun, but nothing to write home about. The lack of emotional intimacy is a little bit of a deal-breaker for me. Not to say i’d rather get nothing, but it can’t compare to actually caring about someone.

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598

Were you ever truly an atheist? Or were you an ‘athiest’ in the sense that I’m an atheist.

I believe in god, but I believe it is a force beyond my comprehension, a force/energy that no man could ever put into writing.

I don’t even think you could call me an atheist… You could call me agnostic, but that doesn’t account for the fact I believe there is something behind us that is light years ahead of any shred of understanding we could have.

Until you can tell me why everything is the way it is… Why the big bang occured, and how did it coincidentally link a chain reaction of subsequent events that led everything to be exactly the way it is today… I’ll keep believing there is something we just don’t understand, and probably never will.

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I am sure someone as intelligent, rational as you understands that the principle of entropy applies to everything.

Friendships won’t stay the same forever. Feelings come and go. People are hurt and forgive or resent. Nothing’s permanent.

You will hurt people.

Best thing woulod be to probably be as honest and as upfront as you can if she tries something…

So what do I do the? Go straight into marriage? I totally agree about the hook-up part. All the people I talk with about this agree. A couple have 150+ lays and they really have a distrustful, distorted vision of women and sex and are unhappy. It’s the same with more moderate people. I had the same experience with just my couple of them ahah.

But how do you vet for red flags and all if you’re not spending some time as a couple with the other person?

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As said, it doesn’t take so darn long to know someone. When I say no girlfriend, I do not mean people should go on a date and then marry or that there should be arranged marriage of strangers. I believe a person can know all they need to about a woman or man in six months to a year. They can meet the other’s friends, family members, find out their romantic past, debt, and income. Not to mention all other information given in conversations.

It’s also plenty of time to get to know the others personality and behavior, although there is bound to be behavior that was kept in check on the honeymoon period. Plus no one can predict the future behavior that might occur when kids and a home and serious bills are involved.

The time frame I mentioned is more than enough time to spend with potential in-laws, including lengthy holiday get-togethers.

Red flags can even be picked up on by other family members, especially by those of the same sex. So one’s mother or father can spend a day with a potential spouse alone. Your mom can spend a day with a woman you’re serious about and a dad can do this with the man his daughter might be marrying to see where this person’s head is at.

Think of it. A wider and older person with more life experience might notice red flags you haven’t. I am confident I will be able to see them in possible partners my kids will have.

I have a short list of red flags I’d use if I were single in this day and age. But keep in mind it would be a list suitable for me personally.

How long do you think you need to notice red flags? Some red flags are shown very quickly.

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My red flag list

  • the girl has no facial tattoos or piercings
  • the girl doesn’t have gauges at least two inches in diameter
  • the girl has hair on the top of her head… Buzz cut or nothing
  • hasn’t been institutionalised at LEAST twice. Can’t work through your problems if you’ve never had to go through involuntary therapy
  • hasn’t smoked crack at least a handful of times. Three times is the bare minimum of crack smokage I’m willing to accept!
  • doesn’t listen to burzum on full blast at family weddings
  • doesn’t smoke like a chimney
  • doesn’t have a body count of at LEAST 69
  • needs to be at least six foot five, I don’t date midgets.

I forsee only healthy relationships for me based on this criteria.

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Red flags for me:

  1. Too nice or ethically sensitive. Someone repulsed by jokes about WWII casualties or government corruption won’t get along with me for long. I do draw the line at the Holocaust though. I’m happy to make jokes ridiculing Nazis, but holocaust jokes are a no go. I also don’t tolerate race based humour meant to be deragatory
  2. We do not connect intellectually.
  3. OCD about cleanliness or nit picky about small details. I am not naturally detail oriented and am currently working with an advisor and friend who is extremely that way. It’s been difficult enough dealing with them for 30min to an hour each week, I cannot possibly imagine living with someone like that
  4. Is not ambitious or does not expect me to be
  5. Is not physically active.
  6. Is not blunt/direct in communication

Number 2 is most important but number 1 has come up more than I’ve expected with friends.

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Is she crafty?

Do you think you thought you saw her hanging on 8th & 40 deuce?

Does the cabby recognize her by the back of her head?

If so, beware. These and many other behaviors may indicate that she is, in fact, crafty, and she gets around.

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Slightly related, many moons ago I was on a date with a girl, we really hit it off and somehow she casually mentioned that she’s been writing fan letters to Varg Vikernes who was incarcerated at the time.

I had to get up really, really early the next morning.

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You’re probably lucky your skull is not being used as an ashtray in some basement,
you poon hound.

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Ummm… OK. Just make sure the person you’re with doesn’t have a relative who died as a civilian or soldier, with the odd chance of sadism and starvation involved.

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true.

It’s not just jokes though. It’s also stuff like not wanting to interrupt class to ask a question, not being willing to bend rules or always being cheerful