We went to marriage counseling and that helped a ton. My wife and I both feel love completely different. I’m more of a quality time and physical touch person, she’s a words of affirmation and gift (not in the sense of buying things but leaving sweet notes and stuff). I find her stuff dumb to feel love from and she feels the same way about mine. We both enjoy those things but hold completely different values towards them.
Once we realized how much the other one needs those things it got much, much better. At first we were both just doing those things because “we had to” to make it work. It didn’t take long before those things became second nature and enjoyable because we were both getting what we needed, and were able to give the other person what they needed.
It’s like a vicious circle and nobody wins, but as soon as you break the cycle it’s like it magically fixes itself.
I had somebody else on the side like you briefly and thought I wanted that. One day it clicked it had absolutely nothing to do with HER but how she made me feel.
The “simple” fix is for you to give her more encouragement and for her to try to be fun and passionate. You have to give what she wants instead of what you want.
This is very similar to my marriage. Counseling was hugely beneficial for us. My wife needs words of affirmation but I don’t care about that. I wanted physical contact but she didn’t/doesn’t care about that. Intentionally give the other needs and BOOM - suddenly you’re both being fulfilled by the relationship. I encourage you to try counseling. Our counselor gave us homework that worked in my favor - have sex once a week. We even scheduled it. That helped my wife get ready. She knew it was going to happen at the end of the day so she was ready for it. That worked a lot better than me trying to start a cold engine with no spark plug.
Never seek council or encouragement from a female friend. You just experienced why.
Think back to the early days of your relationship with your wife. You felt the same excitement and other stuff you’re feeling now with “the other” girl. That feeling fades. New is exciting but eventually everything becomes familiar. If you chase that with another woman then it’ll fade and you’ll have to find another woman…and another and so on.
You’ve made the right decision. Stick with it. Forget about your wants and focus on her needs. You guys can get through this and it’ll just be a speed bump in your past before you know it.
Sorry to hear this but I definitely think you are not alone in this. I think its great that you had the courage to have the conversation and are going to put the effort into fixing this. I wish you and your wife the best of luck.
For me reading the book The Anatomy of Peace fundamentally changed the way I understood the needs, wants and desires of other people. Predominantly, it is a book about conflict resolution but it applies well to relationships as well (friendships even) if you are willing to — on your own — extrapolate some meta-information from the content.
I think the best aspect is that it contextualises the differences within us, by really fleshing out the background behind why the individuals in the book not only act in a certain way but also their response to how others act.
And so, respectfully, with regards to
I disagree with this in spirit and would try to rephrase it as I believe that one key aspect is respecting that the other person might have needs dissimilar to ones own without diminishing the self in the dynamic. That respect should be able to exist even without fully comprehending the “why”. And, the reason I so strongly must urge the diminishing of the self to the benefit of the other is that a relationship, romantic or otherwise, is composed of two individuals sustaining a meaningful symbiosis and one should never atrophy theirself to subserviently serve the other individual.
To clarify, this applies to his situation because I believe his wife is willing to put in her work as well. If each person provides what the other desires then suddenly they’re both happy and fulfilled. We tend to provide what we want and that’s how we get to these frustrated and strained moments.
If only one person does this then the relationship fails.
Thanks @Voxel and @Frank_C
All relationships are in a spiral. It’s either spiraling up or spiraling down that’s for sure. The status quo is a myth. If your standing still your really moving backwards. I totally get it that I need to focus on her needs and her on mine. I’ve read the five love languages, and many other relational books. We’re both willing to put in the work, but it’s HARD!
I’m going to be more of an encouragement to her and be more verbally communicative, and she’s going to make herself a priority, and let me know I’m valued. The lack of sex isn’t the problem it’s a symptom of the lack of fulfilling relationship.
This is going to sound like a petty little teenager, but my struggle now is this. I can do these actions and work towards a stronger relationship but I’m having the hardest time getting “the other girl” out of my head. 1. I feel terrible for leading her on, and 2. She made me feel like a million bucks. In my mind I know what you said to be true about the newness and how it is fleeting, but I’m really struggling emotionally to not dwell on it.
I’ve been praying a lot about this and the first thing that I come away with is that it’s not about me… everything I do needs to be focused on giving God the Glory He is due. Maybe this whole thing is about me learning let go and trust God.
My mind knows what needs to be done but my heart hurts if that makes any sense.
I can empathize. I’ve been married 11 years and my mind still messes with me at times - mostly with memories and what ifs. I chalk it up to Satan attacking my weakness to destroy a strong family. I have to commit to my wife. There is no alternative. It’s my duty and it’s what God wants. It’s tough but the good things usually are.
You handled this as well as you could and I commend you for putting honesty first to have the sit down. The unspoken issues would just continue to fester. Divorced myself and can certainly relate. As for the way the other girl makes you feel, just remember the honeymoon feeling is temporary. Even if you ended up dating her, after a few months of butterflies and the thrill of a new partner, things more often than not settle back down into relationship mode. Best of luck working through it together with your wife.
I’m not married yet, so all I can and should do is pray for you, but I remembered a certain movie before called “Fireproof.” Maybe you and the mrs. could watch it some time?
Just got in and started looking at your log. I got to this place, but I did take it to the next step - and I ended up divorced. Remarried now, and one thing I learned first time around is “never say never” - meaning we have to realize that if we put ourselves in a position to screw up, it becomes easy to do so - so the best thing is to everything in our power to pre-emptively avoid these risks - and to actively uncover and explore issues in our own marriages. Obviously this is “no kidding” advice - but nonetheless, I’m trying to follow my own advice and not screw up my new marriage.
Weights still dropping quick. That’s 4.6 lbs since Monday.
Today was chest and triceps.
Did a pretty standard 4 lifts on each muscle group. Only difference was I really tried to go 2-3 reps past initial failure. Some of them were partials but it felt good to take some of my stress out on the weights.
This is the first week in a long time I’m gonna got each group twice.
The initial inflammation in my knee seems to have subsided and oh man it got wobbly today. A little hyper extension with every step. Might be time to buy a brace lol.
Thank you to everyone who chimed in with either words of encouragement or advice. I’m still pretty confused but feeling better overall. I appreciate all you guys and if you ever need anything holler at me.
11/9
Woke 169.8. Weights slowing down but I won’t complain about 5 lbs in less than a week. Here’s what the diets been like this week
Meal 1
1/2 cup oats
1/2 cup fat free cottage cheese
3 strawberries
1/4 cup grape nuts
Lil bit of otmeal peanut butter chocolate chip mixture
Coffee with almond milk
Meal 2
4 oz white rice
5 oz chicken
3 oz green veggies
Post workout
Whey protein isolate - 1 scoop
Meal 3
4 oz white rice
5 oz chicken
3 oz green veggies
Snack - Pre packaged protein shake at work. 30g protein 160 calories
Meal 4
4 oz riced cauliflower
5 oz chicken
3 oz green veggies
Meal 5
4 oz riced cauliflower
5 oz chicken
3 oz green veggies
Evening snack
1 scoop - whey protein isolate
A few nights this week 2-3 oz vodka or bourbon with soda water
Really has felt pretty good. A little hungry at times but not too bad at all. Energy in the gym is great too. I’ve been giving it a little different approach with starting breakfast round 9-10 or so rather than 6-7. This in turn let’s me put my meals a little closer together which is awesome.
Training today will be back and biceps. Don’t have a plan set yet so I’m just gonna play it by ear. Maybe 4-6 back lifts and 4 bicep lifts with some drop sets towards the end. Anyone have a creative bicep exercise? I’m stuck in a rut on those. Only so many ways you can curl… Also what’s your favorite lift for mid back thickness?
I think that all the advice given so far is pretty solid, and it’s great that you’re recognizing you need to put the work in, starting with being honest and going from there with your wife. Also, I think what you’re going through is fairly common, so don’t feel alone. We’ve all had those moments where we can only think about our immediate needs, or find comfort and intimacy from a friend or co-worker. Just realize we’re not perfect and try to identify little mistakes before they become big mistakes, I guess.
Also- and I don’t think I’m the only one to have this thought… Nice to know you’re human, Jack!!
If you want this forum to remain anonymous, I would take down that picture with your tracking number and location, dude. Not a tough task to track that to your door.
