T-Nation! Help With My Brother!

Off Topic
1

Aloha everyone. I didn’t know where to post this but I figured this would be the best place to post this cry for help. Here’s the dilemma:

I have a 17 year old brother who dabbles with cocaine and crystal meth. He’s been on and off drugs since he was 14 years old and he’s “that” close to being disqualified from going to a youth challenge program (5 months of boot camp style training), because he failed his drug test. He got a second chance and is to be tested this monday.

Our family has a feeling he’s going to fail and the police (useless) told us that my parents would be held liable if he did anything illegal because my dad wants to just kick him out.

My other brother and I have both beat the shit out of him multiple times, as well as trying to “talk” to him and he’s seen psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, drill instructors, police officers, teachers…you name it but he still talks back (using ALOT of four letter type words to my parents), steals things from the house ,drinks and probably sniffs coke still. My question is, what can we do to not be liable for his actions?

Is there a certain legal procedure or do we put up with it till he turns 18? Anyone with experience with this sort of drama?

Much mahalos guys.

2

Stop giving him money for drugs.

3

You have to divorce yourself from his actions. In other words- Let him suffer the consequences of his own actions.

Thats not easy, but thats it.

Beating him up or anything else that you can think of has nothing on a serious addiction, so you may as well relinquish any ideas you may have about imposing your own consequences. I know coke perty well, and I can assure you that there is no punch in the face that a couple lines won’t fix.

Let him live and learn. If it gets bad enough, he will either seek help on his own or die.

Thats about it.

Good luck, and you have my sympathies.

4

[quote]808fightconcepts wrote:
My other brother and I have both beat the shit out of him multiple times[/quote]

i stopped reading here.

asshole.

5

I am not an expert by any means but I have seen a lot of loss from addiction. Violence isn’t going to help your brother. Anger isn’t going to help your brother. Removing family support will only drive him further into drugs. The only thing I have ever seen be even moderately effective is to be a calm supportive family.

He needs to know that there are caring supportive people behind him. He needs to find personal meaning and purpose.

Beating the shit out of your brother drives him AWAY. Without his family he has nothing left, and no amount of anger on your part will bring him back.

6

I’d contact Children’s Aid Services. I’m not sure if they deal with people that old but they’d probably be able to help.

If it’s possible you can either have him adopted out, or being unable to curb his behaviour, unfit parents, that would probably help keep parents nonviable.

The police should be helping you too. Get with your dad, and tell them you want to stop him from committing crimes, and wish to physically restrain him, and want a legal method of doing so.

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[quote]Taran wrote:
I am not an expert by any means but I have seen a lot of loss from addiction. Violence isn’t going to help your brother. Anger isn’t going to help your brother. Removing family support will only drive him further into drugs. The only thing I have ever seen be even moderately effective is to be a calm supportive family.

He needs to know that there are caring supportive people behind him. He needs to find personal meaning and purpose.

Beating the shit out of your brother drives him AWAY. Without his family he has nothing left, and no amount of anger on your part will bring him back.[/quote]

This situation’s been going on continuously since he was 13 years old. I believe four consecutive YEARS qualifies as being pretty patient. And to all those who critisized beating him up—you would too if he repeatedly called your mom a “stupid bitch” and almost drove her to a mental breakdown three times among many other emotional trauma he’s caused. I posted this thread looking for help. If you want to leave smart ass comments or can’t contribute then please don’t post anything. For all the others with helpful comments, thank you very much.

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[quote]tyciol wrote:
I’d contact Children’s Aid Services. I’m not sure if they deal with people that old but they’d probably be able to help.

If it’s possible you can either have him adopted out, or being unable to curb his behaviour, unfit parents, that would probably help keep parents nonviable.

The police should be helping you too. Get with your dad, and tell them you want to stop him from committing crimes, and wish to physically restrain him, and want a legal method of doing so.[/quote]

We’ve discussed these options with the police and even though we filed him as a runaway (twice–from his two cycles on crystal meth), had the police come due to him starting physical altercations with my other brother numerous times, every single time the police came they just shrugged their shoulders and said he was our problem until he is 18 years old.

He didn’t do anything illegal (meaning he didn’t get caught) so he could use and sell all the drugs he wanted and unless he gets caught in the act by the police–they can’t do anything. I’ve given them names and addresses of the dealers and pushers but all they tell me is that “there’s a procedure for these things but we’ll keep an ear out for such and such. But until they get caught in the act we can’t do anything–even put them under surveillance” --tax dollars hard at work–

9

I went through a similar situation two years ago when my younger brother was tweaked out on meth, except my parents were pathological enablers who kept supporting him and his habit even though he was 19 at the time. I felt that I had to take it upon myself to intervene, so I did things to “punish” my brother: called the cops on him, got him thrown in jail, and handled him physically on one occasion, among other things.

Although at the time I thought that my actions were justifiable, I now believe that I was way, way, way out of line most of the time. Beating him was the single most fucked up thing I’ve ever done in my life. I was a complete asshole to antagonize my brother like that and I feel awful about it now.

The problem was that I totally misunderstood him. What he was doing was bad, make no mistake, but I vilified him to excess- I exaggerated his shit in my mind and actually convinced myself that he was a whole lot worse than he really was.

I made assumptions about his behavior and his motives that turned out to be wrong. And, however I rationalized my actions at the time, I now realize that the whole thing was just one big campaign to see him burn at the stake. I just wanted him to pay for the problems he was causing (which I was exaggerating in the first place).

Now, I can’t speak for you, maybe you have a better grip on things than I did. Maybe your brother really is as much of an ass as you think, and maybe he really did deserve that beatdown. But be careful. Anger can really distort your perception of things. You might really end up regretting what you do to him.

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[quote]808fightconcepts wrote:
This situation’s been going on continuously since he was 13 years old. I believe four consecutive YEARS qualifies as being pretty patient. And to all those who critisized beating him up—you would too if he repeatedly called your mom a “stupid bitch” and almost drove her to a mental breakdown three times among many other emotional trauma he’s caused. I posted this thread looking for help. If you want to leave smart ass comments or can’t contribute then please don’t post anything. For all the others with helpful comments, thank you very much.[/quote]

Man, believe me when I tell you, you ARE getting some damned good advice on this thread.

I am an addict and alcoholic in recovery, and have been helping others get and stay sober for a pretty good while now.

While telling you not to beat on him may not tickle your ears, it is something you should take in to consideration. While you might realy want to pound him, and it might help you to feel better, what you may accomplish with that is getting your own ass into a serious jamb(and it will not help him at all). So while you sit in jail awaiting bond, your brother could very well just mosey along and keep getting stoned.

With that in mind, Read my first post again. I wasn’t being a smart ass or sarcastic.

If you don’t like this type of advice though, just let me know, you can have at it your own way.

11

I don’t know your financial situation. If you’re wealthy you can get him into a rehab “school” (prison) where he’ll be locked down when not under 1/1 supervision. If this is an option, pick the one that is on the opposite side of the US as far from your family as you can get. Do not visit.

I’m not wealthy but I have a friend that’s a multimillionaire. They caught his kid B/E a drug store. They sent him to a “school” in AZ. When he “graduated” they got him a job in AZ and told him never to go back home.

If you don’t have the funds, the camp he’s been in is the last legal choice before jail or juvy. Kick him out of the house, and have him arrested if he comes back. Sadly, you’ve got to want to come clean to have a chance. He uses the feelings family has against them. You’re mom is better off with no son than a crackhead son. Sorry, but that’s the truth.

12

Bottom line, he wont get better unless HE wants it. That’s about it. He probably wont want it untill he hits rock bottom and realizes he has screwed up.

Alot of my family has been through seriouse addictions, and only one of my cousins has recovered.

13

Call Dog the bounty hunter

14

[quote]SwampThing wrote:
Bottom line, he wont get better unless HE wants it. That’s about it. He probably wont want it untill he hits rock bottom and realizes he has screwed up.

Alot of my family has been through seriouse addictions, and only one of my cousins has recovered.[/quote]

SwampThing is correct. He will NOT change unless HE wants to.

My younger brother (by 2 years) has been through pot, blow, meth, E, Special K, shrooms, and crack. The only thing he swears he’s not done is heroin. He’s lived in apartment storage rooms, people’s sheds and people’s cars.
Since he was 12 he was in and out of group homes, foster homes, shelters, and then eventually jail 3 or 4 times. He’s 25 now and for the past two years he’s been pretty straight. One day he called me up, I knew shit was bad for him in Edmonton so I told him to move to Vancouver. Give up his “friends” there and the family that just wouldn’t have him. I had him stay with me for a bit but I didn’t have the room to keep him here so I hooked him up with a bedroom at a friend’s place.

He still does his drugs, but not nearly as hard. He’ll never give them up. I can’t change that. He just knows better than to ever see me when he’s high. And he’s not out grand theft autoing everywhere anymore. He keeps a regular job and a girlfriend. That’s all I’d hoped for. Eventually he’ll come around to wanting a car and a house of his own, etc.

Truth be told…sometimes doing anything is too much. My advice - Stop doing anything about him. Let your father kick him out. Turn your back on him. Completely. At least for a while (2-6 months no contact).

People like this (I know it’s hard to just do this, trust me, I had to) need to hit some sort of bottom a few dozen times before they want more on their own accord. And each “bottom” gets way lower than the last. And you just have to sit by and watch it happen.

The best thing you can do is best person you can become. Be the example and build your life. Have things, keeps a good gal around. Let him see that. Because in the end, you’re brothers. And that will always keep you tight. And if you can do it, well, then he’ll get in mind that he too can have those things. Shit, there’s an example right in front of him.

Conversate with him, when he wants, and reaches out for family (don’t EVER give him more than $20). But unless you turn your back on him and let him stubble on his own, you and your family is making the situation MUCH worse.

Let him go. And hope to hell he comes around. 30% chance he will. The rest is just life.

Good luck!

15

AllTraps could not have said it better. It’s a fine line to walk, but you have to support him without enabling him. What makes it hard is the fact that he will want to use that support to enable his drug use, and will often villify you in his mind if you dont enable his drug use.

He also can’t fear you. Once he decides he wants to get better you and your family needs to be the first people he can turn to, otherwise he will only have two choices. To turn to his friends, which will only persuade him to keep doing drugs. Or he wont have anyone to turn too.

Just remember this person is your flesh and blood brother, but his mind is enslaved. Somewhere in that mind is person you want to see, so strive to help that person break his chains.

It might not hurt to see a professional on how to handle situation, provided the finances are there.

16

man at least your parents have a grip on the situation. my parents couldn’t stop handing my brother money, much less kick his ass out of the house

17

There isn’t much you can do. My stepson will turn 40 in February…in Garner Correctional Institue in CT for attmpted Robbery 1. When he gets out in May, he will have 7 years of parole and 1 infraction and he goes back for 7 more years. If that isn’t enough incentive for him to stay off drugs then I don’t know what is.

He started at 14 and has been on/off drugs for 26 years. Crack/heroin got him this last time. We have had him in 17 different places for rehab. Nothing has worked. We will set him up once again in life when he gets out but staying clean is his problem. He is lucky to be alive.

There is nothing we haven’t tried. Nothing worked. We await the fatal phone call that we expect will come one of these days when he isn’t locked up.

Good luck!

BTW, if anyone spoke to my wife the way your brother does to your Mom, I’d kick his strung out ass too. People who tell you different, haven’t really been in your family’s shoes. Some people just deserve an ass kicking no matter what their “excuses” are.

18

Thank you all who shared personal experiences/ advice about this matter. It really tears me apart inside when I see him because I remember changing his diapers and walking him to school. Everytime I try to talk to him I hope for the best and I see this small kid who used to adore and idolize his older brother. Now, I’ve become some sort of father/authoritative figure and that once close relationship is now all but gone. I get so furious with him for treating/talking to my parents like that and if I’m around when he does that there’s always an escalation to a physical altercation. However, back at my own house when I’m alone I can’t help but feel like shit because in my mind, I still see him as this 5 year old kid I used to take to the beach and play games with. I swear to God after my stint at the FBI academy I’m gonna catch every single fucking drug dealer in this state along with the corrupt cops that seem to make these types of situations hopeless for people like us. But for now I just pray he passes this drug test on monday to get into the youth challenge program in hopes of getting him away from here.

To all who shared their experiences,
A big mahalo, your comments have helped ALOT.

Aloha.

19

[quote]808fightconcepts wrote:
Thank you all who shared personal experiences/ advice about this matter. It really tears me apart inside when I see him because I remember changing his diapers and walking him to school. Everytime I try to talk to him I hope for the best and I see this small kid who used to adore and idolize his older brother. Now, I’ve become some sort of father/authoritative figure and that once close relationship is now all but gone. I get so furious with him for treating/talking to my parents like that and if I’m around when he does that there’s always an escalation to a physical altercation. However, back at my own house when I’m alone I can’t help but feel like shit because in my mind, I still see him as this 5 year old kid I used to take to the beach and play games with. I swear to God after my stint at the FBI academy I’m gonna catch every single fucking drug dealer in this state along with the corrupt cops that seem to make these types of situations hopeless for people like us. But for now I just pray he passes this drug test on monday to get into the youth challenge program in hopes of getting him away from here.

To all who shared their experiences,
A big mahalo, your comments have helped ALOT.

Aloha.[/quote]

My brother was kind of the same way and he’s now goin to school and has a job. I don’t think it was to the extent of your brother, but hopefully he’ll realize what he’s doin to himself. How do you pronounce that word “mahalo”? I assume it means thank you.

20

hey buddy i understand where your coming from. i grew up on maui and have been through some shit with pakalolo and the batu their. my parents did all the stuff you spoke about but the only real way to stop all that from happening to your brother is to get him outta the islands.

My parents shipped me off my senior year in some shady circumstances, and only until recently i can reflect and realize how fucked up i was on drugs there. I know your brother will dislike your family greatly if you do this, but honestly, you have to get him off the islands where their isnt the influence of all that their.

Good luck with your situation, shoots,

beachboi

p.s. what island are you on??