Speaking of Religion....

Off Topic
1

After reading through the “Gay Marriages” thread, I remembered something that I wanted to post here awhile back dealing with religion:

We all know that my ex and I broke up a few months ago. We were together for close to 2 years and we lived together in the same house for 7+ months. Her parents were devout Christians and we hid the fact that her and I were actually living together, even though it was blatantly obvious. I mean, her parents were probably the most nieve (sp?) people I have ever known. It was so obvious that my ex and were living together, but for some reason…they believed us when we told them that I was living in another apartment.

“Why is Tony’s clothes in your closet honey?”

“Oh, well he keeps his dress clothes here cause he doesn’t have room at his place.”

“Why does Tony answer the phone at 7 in the morning April?”

“Oh, well…he stops by before he goes to work.”

Needless to say, they were under the impression that we weren’t living together. Well, when we broke up…they found out that we were actually living together and now they have cut off all ties with their daughter. They refuse to speak to her. She has sent her mother a package on Mother’s Day, her dad a card on Father’s Day…and birthday presents on their birthdays. But they only thing that she has gotten in response is a card saying, “we love you and we miss you, but we can’t accept you.”

That REALLY REALLY boggles my mind and it pisses me off to be honest. Is there any place in the Bible which states to turn your back on your own children??? I wrote a letter to her parents expressing my disappointment in their actions. Basically I said I think there are more pressing issues in this world to be bitter about (like terrorism, disease, etc) than to shun your own daughter for living with someone whom she loved. It’s not like she was out there partying and having abortions left and right!! I mean come on…she was in a commited relationship and she lived under the same roof as her boyfriend. Big freakin deal!

I didn’t send the letter, cause she felt that it wouldn’t do any good and I didn’t want to go against her wishes. But, I was so tempted to do it anyways. My parents brought me up in way where they supported me and offered advice not to judge me. I just don’t see how her parents can act this way. I don’t claim to be a religious scholar, but I highly doubt there is any place in the scripture that says to turn your back on your children. Especially for something so trivial.

Am I off base here? I just think their behavior is so asanine. They didn’t have to see the sadness and disappointment on their daughters face on Mother’s Day when her brother mentioned to her that they had a family gathering with dinner and what not…and they didn’t even call their daughter to say thank you or hello. Absolutely ridiculous!!!

2

Trust me. I’d be the first to inform your girlfriend’s parents that while they may have a religious conviction (I hate to tell you, but it’s well-grounded) against their daughter’s actions, they are not confronting this issue in a Christ-like manner.

Christian’s are driven by love. All other actions flow from this. Likewise, these parents should confront their daughter, inform her of why they believe what she did was wrong, how they feel about it and her in general, and then forgive her. They seem to have skipped the latter and replaced it with child-like bitterness.

Pride may also be at play here as well. In other words, they don’t want to confront the fact they, ‘good Christians,’ allowed their daughter to stray. So rather than deal with it, they just don’t.

How long has it been? Anger and frustration is understandable. But if this drags on more than a few weeks, the daughter should confront them. The worst case scenario would be that the daughter equally withdraws.

There’s no excuse for bitterness in a Christian heart.

[BTW, I’m obviously assuming they are Christian.]

3

Tony,

I too have had this problem, but not quite as severe as complete severance. My fiancee’s parents threatened to send her to a different school and shit like that. Her dad left a note one time when we first started dating saying “No Justin Here” so we met at the mall, went to a movie, whatever. Well, I guess he meant no Justin today because he went ballistic that we saw each other. He tried to lecture, but I told him “Look, you said I wasn’t allowed coming over, and I didn’t. How is that breaking your wishes?” They still seem so damn old-fashioned and I can’t wait to get married to get the hell away from them. In fact, I chose grad school in a different city so when we get married she can move away from them. She was brought up to not think for herself, and they did all the thinking for her, so basically she’s common sense naive. And that makes me so damn mad.

They’re getting better though, I have to say. They’re still dumb and need to embrace the 21st century.

4

You obviously still care about your ex, I’d send the letter …tone it down, make it as PC and polite as possible, and send it. It can’t make things any worse than they already are.

5

Does it actually say in the Bible to turn your back on your children? Sort of. There are places in the old testament where children were stoned for not showing proper respect to their parents, and even in the new testament, there were cases when families were told to turn away from each other. But it wasn’t so much for one specific thing as it was a pattern of behavior i.e. a refusal to follow Jesus. The weird thing that I have found, is that so much of what we hold as religious truth is actually the mores and traditions of society, with religion twisted just enough to back it up. I was raised in a home with a religious background that came from southern Baptists, so a lot of what I thought was from the Bible was actually old southern traditions. Her parents may come around in time. Right now, they’re feeling hurt that she deceived them, and shocked that the daughter they thought they had raised so wonderfully has (in their eyes) turned her back on the path of righteousness. I know it sounds weird, but I went through the same thing for a long time when my parents found out I drank.

6

hey tony i know what your talking about. some of my friends parents are hipocrits. they are very religious yet the father beats his kids and also does emotional damage as well. i have a friend that is almost 17, sadley he knocked her up. her parents found out about it and kicked her out realy don’t want anything to do with her. now whats wrong with this picture? i always thought that when your kids are in trouble or in need that you would help in anyway that you can not kick them out. my grandma is a hipocrit too. i mean i love her to death but if you do something wrong like steal, lie or anything in the sorts, she would never forgive you. i’m religous my self and i know to forgive and forget. (on most things anyway) i’m sorry to go on a rant but things like that piss me off. tony i’m sorry to hear about that and i hope that maybe one day her parents will learn to forgive and forget and come into the light.

7

Let us not beat around the bush then, since it seems most are…

Living together before marriage almost ensures that premarital sex is commonplace.

And last time I checked, this feller named Paul of Tarsus didn’t care much for sex outside of martial union.

That’s no “southern tradition.”

8

Tony, I went through this myself, but from her end. I was disowned from my parents halfway through my sophomore year of college, when I moved into one of the bedrooms of a 4 bedroom apartment in which my girlfriend lived. Okay, my parents aren’t stupid, but still, it’s not like we only had one room. :slight_smile:

They had a hard time dealing with it, because their religion (Christianity) said that was “living in sin”. To give you a little more insight as to what’s going through their heads, they don’t see the love that you two had, or at least that doesn’t matter. What matters is that their daughter made a conscious decision every day she woke up to live in the same domicile and sleep with you. That means (in their minds), that she was pretty much sinning 24/7.

I don’t know if a letter from you would do any good. People like this need a paradigm shift. My parents hated my girlfriend - my father told me not to let my girlfriend in sight of my mother. Well, when my gilfriend and I broke up, things got better. They got better for two reasons, I believe. The first is that the relationship was over and I was no longer living in sin. The second is that I scared the shit out of them and her. I had battled with depression, but then started turning suicidal, for whatever reasons. Well, that changed their tune. For awhile she was the second daughter they never had.

This really will take something major to change them. Everything that was said before about them being disappointed and in deinal of the fact that their daughter sinned in such a manner is true. It will take them awhile to accept what has happened and realize that there are more important things in life. Maybe it’ll just take time for them to miss her. Maybe she’ll go off, get married, and have a child. I can tell you now that they’ll work through whatever they need to to get to that grandchild.

It sucks, but the situation probably won’t change soon, and your letter won’t change anything, because you’re the evil one that fucked their wholesome daughter - in their eyes. If it will make you feel better to send the letter, then do so, but they won’t listen to your advice of all people, as anything you say will be tainted (in their eyes).

9

As a Christian I can say the behavior of these parents is utter nonsense. While you are wrong that living together before marriage is a minor thing (it is in fact a major issue to me - its pretty hard to wait until marriage for sex if your living with someone your in love with / attracted to) they still have no reason to act like this - in fact their behavior is as NON-Christian as one can get. They should discuss intelligently their concerns with you and her, but never stop loving her, supporting her, and being there for her.

10

Thanks everyone. I am so glad that I am not the only one who thinks their behavior is irrationale.

Poohbaya…yes, her parents are Christian and we broke up in January, and my ex has yet to even receive a phone call from her parents. Like I said in the original post…she has sent b-day cards, mother’s day cards, etc…so she HAS made the attempt to communicate with them. But, they refuse to speak to her. Its really sad that they act that way in my eyes.

Jolly White Giant…I hear you. Even though my ex’s parents are devout Christians, her and her brother were taken away from her father when they were young for child abuse! How in the world can someone say they are Christian, and yet be abusive to their own children??

Also, wanna know something else. Her mother’s side of the family are Jehova’s (sp?) Witnesses. So her grandmother and Aunts all think that my girlfriends parents and that side of the family are all going to hell because they are Christian. Yet, they still welcome them to family events and talk to one another and have accepted the fact that they are not Jehova’s. Yet…my ex’s mother finds out that we were living together and she refuses speak to her own daughter. Really pathetic huh??

I feel so bad for my ex. I just find it so hard to believe that parents would do this to their own child. They should embrace their daughter and realize how special and beautiful she is…not judge her and turn their backs!!!

11

Yeah this whole situation smacks of several of my pet peeves: being unloving and uncaring, being overly judgemental, and doctrinal squabbling. These are all things that make us Christians look bad to the average person out there - when in fact, Christians should be doing NONE of these things if they are truly following the religion.

12

Your right, Tony. I sympathize. That’s a tough situation.

Since January?! There is no reason for that.

Really. Think this through. If you want someone to learn from a mistake, do you turn your back from them in anger? NO! You talk it out, correct them, and then forgive them.

If she wanted a good comeback, she could tell them that the very reason she did something ‘so wrong’ is because of the same type of bitter negligence that they are currently demonstrating so beautifully. :slight_smile:

13

Hmm… I’m no Christian, but these peoples’ behaviour is definitely not the correct answer to the question:
“What Would Jesus Do?”

14

hey tony, thats one reason that i love my mom soooo much. my ex and i lived together for about year. it was a long distance relation ship for about 2 months then i lived with her in her families house for about 4 months and in our own house for about 8 months. i already know that every day and night i was sinning but i know that god has forgiven me. i know that doesn’t make it right and i know that i will be confronted about it in the end. through all of that my mom supported me in everything that i did. the only reason why i continued to live with her is cause we were going to get married. but unfortunitley it didn’t work out and we broke up. i know that without support from eather side it would of made our relationship even more difficult. i don’t care what ever my kids do or get them selves in too i will be there all the way. its sad to know that i know several other parents out there that don’t understand this view point and just kick there kids out of the house when ever they see fit over stupid shit. you know my friend i was talking about earlier? his mom kicks him out on a normal basis and then calls the police and says that he’s a runaway. i still can’t figure her out. all i know is that is f**ked up! and i wish that my other friends parents learn thats its not ok to abuse there kids emotionaly and physicaly and then preach about this and that. i realy hope they all learn. and maybe your ex’s parents will realize that they are losing there daughter over somthing that if they just could talk to there daughter they could resolve there dispute and be a family again.

15

You know, Tony, although pre-marital sex is viewed as a no-no by Chritians, think of how often “forgiveness” is mentioned in the Bible. Jesus was/is all about forgiveness!

And Christians also believe that man is not without sin. It’s a given.

With all due respect to April’s parents, I might acknowledge that, yes, per their beliefs, maybe a sin was committed. But, man is not without sin, and Jesus preached forgiveness, so how about a little love thrown April’s way?

I mean, if you’re going to profess to be a Christian, then you really better take a close look at what “JC” himself had to say, in my humble opinion.

Anyway, I think that might be a better approach than to basically laugh at a belief they’re so firmly hanging on to.

16

Aren’t Christians famous for that forgiveness thing? What about that dude that said, “He that is without sin shall cast the first stone”?

People screw up. Kids grow up and think for themselves. Most times they DO NOT turn out exactly as Mommy and Daddy had imagined. There is still far more good than bad in most people and these parents need to focus on that and get over their pride based rejection of their daughter. Basically they need to grow up.