My 18 year old graduated from high school in June (he will 19 in Aug). The expectation is he would get at least a part time job so he could have spending money for college in the fall and also, he could pay for something he wants (he wanted hiking equip). We paid for his private education the last 4 years in high school, which was similar to a 4 year college.
We’ll be spending nearly $35-$40K for his college so I believe my expectation to work is reasonable. My wife supports our position, but privately has doubts, saying to me “why does he have to work? Shouldn’t he enjoy himself?” Before we asked our son to work, he wanted to hike all summer.
My son stays up nearly all nights on his iphone and in some cases, on the Xbox, then sleeps until 6pm. He has tried finding jobs, but it has taken me staying on him. No one has hired him (he has applied to Target, local supermarkets, some restaurants) yet. He doesn’t want to go back to fast food, which he worked last year.
Is my position reasonable, asking him to work? We are now roughly 6-7 weeks from school starting, and time is running out.
My $0.02. You mentioned hiking. If he was doing something like hiking the Appalachian Trail I would support it. Or bagging a new 4000 foot peak each day. Those experiences get you ahead in life.
Sitting around playing video games all night and sleeping all day does not get you ahead in life.
In this situation I’m in the get off your ass and get a job camp.
Absolutely. I started working my first real job at 14 which was allowed in Iowa. A lot of states it’s 15 or 16 for youngsters. Regardless instilling a solid work ethic is never a bad thing. The fact that you’re able to help your adult son through college is a privilege for him and not a right. Make him earn part of his way IMO.
When I was growing through those years, if I wanted more money I had to get someone to pay me (other than my parents who had their own financial responsibilities.) Most all my peers were in the same situation. No one had to be asked to find a job. If you wanted more money, you found a job.
I know things have drastically changed since the 1960’s. We had one television and 4 television stations and a couple good pop music stations to entertain us. I suppose you could play cards or games with your siblings, or if an only child like myself, you could play solitaire. Maybe talk with your friends on the only phone in your house. My parents had a phone rule: “The phone is for a message.” Not much talking between friends took place at my house.
Here is your leverage, if you have any at all. Give him a small allowance that won’t provide much entertainment. Maybe that will initiate the need to work. I found part-time work at college.
The sole benefit I see in this behavior is training to be in peak condition to work night shifts.
I wish you the best, but your son’s peers don’t share the value systems that my peers did. All the boys in the 1960’s wanted to be old enough to get a job.
I plan on steering my son into working as soon as he can, hopefully at jobs “no one wants to do.” And the more inconvenient (eg, waking up at 5 AM or earlier) and physical the better.
I have not fully raised my kids yet, and I have no intention of disrespecting a father concerned about his son. However, in such cases of such indulgence (sleeping entire days away, playing games all night) and excessive leisure I wonder if something went awry long ago. Is that the case? I’m only asking out of curiosity as I am a parent or two young kids. Of course you might not wish to answer, and I’ll respect that.
Absolutely. Education won’t instill a work ethic. I have both and can say without a doubt that work ethic has been more valuable for achieving success than education. As long as you’re not retarded you can learn anything at anytime as needed. If you’re not willing to do so you may as well be retarded. Encourage the underlying life skills, valuing time and effort for financial gain is a big one.
Kids should start working as soon as they can. You learn more about the real world washing dishes at a restaurant than you do in school.
In your situation, absolutely he should be working. Youre paying his entire tuition, the rest of life expenses should be his responsibility.
My family never had money so I knew I’d be paying my own way through school. Moved out at 18, commuted to community college, after school worked at a pizza place full time. I was broke, but I paid for rent, tuition and everything else. Still had time to do my school work, lift, play cards and chase girls. Got my degree (07) and ended up in a completely different field.
Everyone is going to have a “back in my day,” story. Im not sharing mine to gloat or something, but to point out that it’s common. I know guys that did way more than me. The lessons you learn staying afloat are just as important as the ones in the classroom. So I think you’re well within your rights to ask your son to contribute. Paying his tuition is extremely generous.
I have kids similar age. They work hard during the summer, but not much during the academic year. To me, this is fine because I want them to do well in school and focus on that. That said, they are responsible for their own spending money so they are very motivated to work in the summer and save up to put a few thousand away for the school year.
I’m the original poster. I appreciate everyone’s reply’s thus far.
Just a few more details: my son isn’t necessarily lazy. He worked last year at McDonald’s for a few months and saved enough money to buy somethings for himself. He also got good grades but he went to a school that provides 1-1 instruction (he’s on the spectrum, with a significant mood disorder. He’s much better though)
He accompanies me willingly to help out at a shelter for addicts and we deliver meals to seniors. These events aren’t weekly though, and more once a quarter or for the seniors, once a year.
Nonetheless, his sleep habits are an issue and he has applied for multiple jobs thus far to no avail. However, I’ve had to stay on him. We had a crucial conversation this past week since he committed a few times to follow-up live with some employers and never did so, since he was sleeping in the afternoon.
Again, he has 7 weeks to go before college starts. I think the message from all of you is loud and clear, I’m in the right to ask for him to contribute. I’ve messaged to him that I’ll pay for the dorm food but everything else at college (ex. going out and spending money, if he doesn’t have enough saved, he likely will get a “no” from me. He will likely reply “well, I tried and no one hired me.” Yes, but it felt like too little, too late).
As a kid, I think it’s a good idea.
There is very few things more empowering than earning some money from someone other than parents , even if the amounts are trivial.
With that said, I don’t necessarily think the type of work necessarily matters, as long as it’s honest.
He has an interview on Tuesday at a local restaurant to wash dishes. He’s not very enthused but I told him, “it’s a sprint, not a marathon. You only have about 7 weeks until school.” He also did the math, seeing how much he could make in 7 weeks. That did get him enthused.
Document it, write about it, post it on The Trek, get some ad revenue. Job completed.
OP do you live in a place that people will search about for hiking info? If your kid is 6-7 weeks out from school, realistically they have about a month of work ahead of them. I’d be surprised if they amass more than 2 grand in that time.
Get them out in the trails and tell them to put their young person social media skills to use and post some blogs about it or whatever to get some ad income. Probably won’t be much, but if it gets them a case of ramen and a pack of beer a handful of times you can call that a win.
I think this is a good approach. If he needs money and you won’t give it to him, he has to figure out how to get it. It removes you having to hassle him to get a job.
This is about what my parents did. They wouldn’t pay for the things I needed outside of the room I lived in at home and food. If I wanted to go on a little trip or something, I had to find the money to do so. I had a job at the zoo doing food service first (I found this to be miserable). I had a job at a car wash next (I liked this much better, and stayed like 5 years part time). I worked at a corrugated board (we made cardboard boxes) factory during the first two summers post HS (I liked this and it paid well during that time, but I couldn’t get it back after the 08 recession). I donated plasma for money, and did a paid internship (this was 8 months full time at a decent pay rate, so I saved a good chunk and the plasma money got me to the end) for the remainder of college.
I have told a few people that getting into donating plasma is a great school gig. No fixed hours, just got to show up when they are open. One can make ~$100 in their pocked a week in 2-4 hours (depends on how busy they are). Doesn’t really teach work ethic though.
My parents helped with expenses during my undergrad. (I had a scholarship playing ball). When I stopped playing - they expected me to work and I did. I think that is more than fair. I have worked full time even while going to school ever since. (2 undergrad degrees, JD, and MBA)
If I had stayed up all night fucking off while 18+, my parents would have showed me the door and some tough love.