…I can’t believe I just read this whole thread.
Here is an idea for when you are wiping a lot and still getting a lot of “material” on the TP. If it isn’t cleaning up after a couple of wipes, perhaps someone has their “foot in the door”. Give it a push out and then a hard wipe / dig with TP. After taking care of that turtle head, it should be a much cleaner wipe.
I hope this technique helps the next time you ‘drop the kids off at the pool’.
An insightful idea for us Sasquatch types who have a lot of cling-ons:
Make a Pre-wipe to get your hair un-knotted and out of the way.
I always have to tell my little girls to put a hair bow on when they eat. This keeps their hair out of their plate and food.
It works the same on the way out! Move your hair before you start so that you don’t get anything on it!
[quote]Dilligaf wrote:
Trimming is something that i’m looking at doing as sometimes when i go for a run the crack hairs on my two cheeks knot together from the constant rubbing and i just have to grit my teeth when pulling my cheeks apart…[/quote]
I have tears in my eyes from the laughter, dude! But I feel for you, really.
Report back after the trimming and let us know.
[quote]pookie wrote:
A coworker of mine mentioned that those little wipe’s are “a stripper secret” to maintainig a fresh and clean smelling behind.[/quote]
Ha! I can see the commercial now…
Tiffy: Gee, Taffy, why so glum?
Taffy: Well, Tiffy, my tips have really been down lately.
Tiffy: Aww, how come?
Taffy (whispering): Well, my pruritis is acting up and the guys tell me that the smell of my perianal seepage clashes with my Tommy Girl.
Tiffy (recoiling): Eww! No wonder no one wants lap dances from you anymore.
Taffy: SIGH I know, but what can I do?
Tiffy (leans closer, whispering): Well, when MY itchy butt comes calling, I use Johnson’s baby wipes.
Taffy: Wow! I’ll give 'em a try. Thanks!
1 WEEK LATER
Tiffy (winks): Well, how’s tips lately?
Taffy (winks back): Never better, thanks to you… and Johnson’s baby wipes! LAUGHTER
[quote]swordthrower wrote:
Take care of your brown eye and it will take care of you.[/quote]
I just wanted to say that I’ve been laughing at that comment for 10 minutes now.
carry aloe wipes.
[quote]Dilligaf wrote:
thus when i shit in the morning it is always a gamble and i am constantly praying that i get a nice hard, clean that takes 2 wipes to get clean, [/quote]
Gawd that’s funny.
Pray hard, shit harder. That’s what I always say.
[quote]TheWookie wrote:
Is your ass hair getting on your plate and in your food? Damn, I thought I was hairy!
FamilyMan wrote:
An insightful idea for us Sasquatch types who have a lot of cling-ons:
Make a Pre-wipe to get your hair un-knotted and out of the way.
I always have to tell my little girls to put a hair bow on when they eat. This keeps their hair out of their plate and food.
It works the same on the way out! Move your hair before you start so that you don’t get anything on it!
[/quote]
Yep…I knew that one was coming!
[quote]TheWookie wrote:
Is your ass hair getting on your plate and in your food? Damn, I thought I was hairy!
[/quote]
Some people have no reading comprehension. It’s his daughters who are getting their ass hair in their food. Gosh!
I just put 1/3 cup of oats in my morning shake and eat lots of veges.
But if I eat a lot of chilli the night before I usually regret it. Alcohol makes em bad too.
What a great thread, Let it never be said that T-Nationers don’t know shit. You people are shit experts. I’m serious. With friends like this, who needs enemas?
Of course, in Indonesia, they don’t get bogged down thinking about technique. Next to the pot, (in loo of toilet paper) they keep a basin of clean water, with which they dip out and wash their posterior regions, using their left hands. For obvious reasons, the left hand is never used to eat with, or to touch people, or to touch the Quran.
The Japanese have improved on the concept:
http://www.washlet.com/default.asp
Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. You will emerge from the crapper as fresh as a morning breeze.
Awesome thread. Need to be linked to the “Are you a beginner”-sticky.
@Varquanir:
Great link, now let me cite the ad:
[…]
We cordially invite those who haven’t experienced the unprecedented level of pleasure one derives from the Washlet to visit one of the fine stores that carry TOTO’s complete line of beautiful, innovative products.
[…]
I must find out if there is some “Washlet” store near my city. I’d love to… ahm, test these “beautiful products”.
I wonder if they hand you some fiber beforehand, to make your testing experience a really special one?
[quote]AgentOrange wrote:
I’m still waiting for realpeanutbutter to jump all over this thread…[/quote]
It seems i’m a touch late to the seminar lads, my apologies. I’d say it’s a common problem because we’ve discussed it with another fourum member before. We got him to be in touch with his dukes, so too can you be.
I’m a fan of not carrying around aloe/baby/wet wipes. poeple start asking questions etc. Plus the cold wet feeling on ones ass can be… strange, and wet. just eat right to experience the euphoric, cleansing feeling of a solid, low-no wiper that floats (or doesn’t depending on your goals)
Instead you should examine your fiber intake. You will likely notice that either:
A) you don’t get enough (30+ g for athletes like us and big eaters)
B) you get it all at certain times.
By fiber i mean anything from veggies to benefiber to all bran buds. Now veggies are less than appetizing for most so we are less likely to get in our 8-10 serves per day. Even if we do you might notice that they are mostly at breakfast and dinner.
Even though you get enough fiber (theoretically) if it is in little bunches then you will have a greater variance of texture and “adhesiveness.”
So if clean textured, non-burning, low wipers are your goal then you should likely spread a large fiber amount (40+ g per day is good for big diets, an randomly selected rule of thumb seems to be about 10 g per 1000 calories. exceeding will yeild better results in most cases, depending on fiber sources.) evenly as possible over the whole day.
An example would be if you have five feedings per day then you should get fiber in every feeding. This basically translates into veggie/fruit servings every meal. If you are trying to eat 3 aples per day ah la Dr. Lowery then you should space those out. Also hit spinach at least once a day for worlds highest protein fiber source. You also have your oatmeal and berries, nuts and bran cereal. Fiber sources are every where. The key is to avoid meals like:
Pure steak and cheese
sausage by itself
basically anything without veggies
Constant fiber intake will lead to consistency in dookie texture. But there are other factors involved in good, nay, great poos.
High fat levels in any one perticular meal can cause a stickyness in the poopy. Try eating a pizza with spicy tandoori chicken and an assload of cheese. The next morning you may notice that you are shitting flaming glue (happened to me on sunday morning after UFC, test case yourself at your own risk. We all do the prison walk sometimes, right?). Unless your liver is a work horse fatty remenants can be found in your ‘moves.’ So unless you are on the AD avoid excessive amounts of fat in any one meal, spread it out. Love the fat, but not all at once (and maybe without jalepenos). Also, most of the AD guys eat spinach and fiber of all types like there is a prize for it. And they basically shit farm animals, ask 'em.
Another aspect of not only texture but consistency is protein intake. We are all on pretty high dead animal eating plans. This is good for us because it helps prevent liquid poos, “painting the bowl,” or “photo-finishing” as it were. Ask a vegetarian what their shit looks like, I bet on average it can not be described as, “solid.” But if your high protein intake is not matched by a high fiber intake then you will suffer unduly in the form of constipation. Have you ever had shit that felt as though it had sharp edges? That is a high PRO low fiber turd. This is what can give you the previously mentioned roids and prolapses (uuugh).
You may go home and take up the art of fine pooing and then PM me three weeks from now and say “Chris, the fuk? I did what you said and it still hurts. I’ve got more vasoline on my ass hole than a peg boy after a drinking game on a pirate ship.” And i will tell you that there is a good chance you have some type of allergie or intolerance. To figre this out either:
A) get a blood test
B) reduce your diet of most likely allergens (eg. milk, whey, casin, wheat, cheese, soy sauce, spicy shit etc.) and then reintroduce them one by one after a few weeks without to see if it is what you removed or not. Also, cheap whey can cause all kinds of bowel disfunctions in some people, shitty i know, pay up.
How the hell do i know (think i know) all this? It’s my sport and I’m good at it. I’ve entered a few “movement comps” and won everything from pride to some type of fancy bicycle from this bike shop in vancouver. I sold it because I’m not big into cycling, hurts my balls. It was apparently very nice because it easily paid for a semester of uni. Also, there are many aspects to the ‘art of movement’ that you can check out. Want to know how to drop the legendary “ghost poopy” or a strong “no-wiper?” It’s much more interesting than your think. It’s all about food in, poo out. No wipes needed. I use the cheapest TP money can buy, every day, and I shit about 3-5 times per day. No coffee and no fiber supps (although coffee is awesome at stimulating a “breech” if you are working on a goal poopy like the ‘ghost’ or ‘the navy diver’).
For me this is like meditation and stress management. It can be for you too. Asshole maintainence is important. Ask a guy who is 88 if his ass works like it did when he was 16. I want to be responsible for cleaning my ass until i die, unless of course I am paying for it, like with a hooker or something.
Anyhow off to hit the books, keep it real… real smooth, and hopefully floating.
-chris
Realpeanutbutter, it must be said.
You, sir, definitely know your shit.
[quote]Varqanir wrote:
Realpeanutbutter, it must be said.
You, sir, definitely know your shit.[/quote]
AMEN
That was one of the most imformative posts i’ve read!
ermm but i’m not sure if i’m understanding this right:
[quote]realpeanutbutter wrote:
How the hell do i know (think i know) all this? It’s my sport and I’m good at it. I’ve entered a few “movement comps” and won everything from pride to some type of fancy bicycle from this bike shop in vancouver. I sold it because I’m not big into cycling, hurts my balls. It was apparently very nice because it easily paid for a semester of uni. Also, there are many aspects to the ‘art of movement’ that you can check out. Want to know how to drop the legendary “ghost poopy” or a strong “no-wiper?” It’s much more interesting than your think.
[/quote]
Are you talking about a competition where they examine your shit?!!??
If so: where can i enter!
and links to aspects of the ‘art of movement’ please 
[quote]Varqanir wrote:
Realpeanutbutter, it must be said.
You, sir, definitely know your shit.[/quote]
sooo many levels… It’s what I doo, you might say.
I need sleep, no one will get my bad word play.
-chris
P.S. Nice sledge, how long is the switch and where did you get it. I’ve been looking for some longer switch hammers, the semi tire just doesn’t ever seem to die. Damn steel ribbing.
This thread is the best fucking thread ever.
the other day at work there was water on the floor of the toilet, so i had to approach it side saddle (i was bored) and it resulted in the best phantom (no wipe, no evidence in the bowl) ever! it absolutely ghosted down the u-bend.
Just my 2 cents to all those that seek the TRUE holy grail of shitting!
[quote]Dilligaf wrote:
and links to aspects of the ‘art of movement’ please
[/quote]
Otherwise known as the Tao of Poo.
[quote]Varqanir wrote:
What a great thread, Let it never be said that T-Nationers don’t know shit. You people are shit experts. I’m serious. With friends like this, who needs enemas?
Of course, in Indonesia, they don’t get bogged down thinking about technique. Next to the pot, (in loo of toilet paper) they keep a basin of clean water, with which they dip out and wash their posterior regions, using their left hands. For obvious reasons, the left hand is never used to eat with, or to touch people, or to touch the Quran.
The Japanese have improved on the concept:
http://www.washlet.com/default.asp
Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. You will emerge from the crapper as fresh as a morning breeze.[/quote]
Much better than what I saw in Europe:
Poop in a hole in the floor. Squat and push and hope you don’t get any on your pants. Particularly painful the day after dong heavy squats.
Toilets with a little shelf in the back to collect your poop. Why? I don’t know. Most toilets are a bowl so that you poop into a pool of water. This toilet had a freaking shelf directly under your bunghole. The poop collects, in the open air, right there about 3" bellow your manhole. I was told, in the olden days, harmers would collect poop and fertilize the fields. Great back in the Medievel days, but just gross now.
[quote]Dilligaf wrote:
I know a guy who gets his waxed…by his mom…(his moms a beutitian)
[/quote]
Oh, man that is sick and wrong. I bet he breast-fed until he was 10 (and some people do that). shaking head