Relationships: What Makes it Good?

Off Topic
62

[quote]dt79 wrote:

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:

[quote]dt79 wrote:

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:

[quote]CLINK wrote:

[quote]dt79 wrote:

Marriages that I’ve seen where couples were “best friends” or “soul mates” before rarely last unless both grew up together.[/quote]

My wife and I are the exception… if that indeed is a rule.
[/quote]

I wasn’t going to say anything, but that statement had me scratching my head too. Maybe the soul mate portion (does anyone actually think that?), but the best friend part is strange to me. I can’t imagine not being married to my best friend. [/quote]

I wrote what I’ve seen and heard. I’m always to go to guy when friends (both male and female) have marital problems because I’m perceived as the most stable guy with a marriage devoid of any drama. Plus my wife has no problem with me going out late at night to drink with them and hear all the sob stories.

I cannot give you a reason why. All I can say is the ones that had the closest “best friends” relationship when married are the ones that spew the most hate for their spouse a decade later, and shit usually starts because they start misinterpreting one another’s intentions behind their actions when times get rough.

As I wrote on the previous page, I hate hearing about all this crap in real life. If you have a successful marriage of a nature contrary to what I’ve written, please do share it here.[/quote]

I hope you didn’t interpret that as me saying you’re wrong or anything along those lines. I didn’t mean that at all.

I’ve been married to my best friend (and I mean that) for going on 8 years. To me, if your spouse is really your best friend, major shit just doesn’t get between you. Don’t get me wrong, a male best friend, I’d punch square in the dick if need be, but you always end up having a beer afterwards. To me fight (not physically, I ain’t Ray Rice) with your BF wife is the same things, basically. At least to me it is. [/quote]

No, not at all. I wrote what I wrote also hoping to find examples contrary to what i’m seeing in real life.

I’ve treated my wife as a traditional housewife and not a friend and we’ve had no problems for 9 years. This past year we’re developing a more “friendlike” relationship as I have more free time on my hands from work, and my youngest brother has grown up and gone to Uni so she doesn’t have much to do at home. We’ve been going to the gym together among other things and she’s squatting rather heavy weights lol.

The thing is, I’m not too sure this “friend” thing is going to work out for us in the long run. So I’m looking to find examples of such relationships that others have. It’s either that or plan to have kids.

Anyway thanks for sharing details of your relationship and I wish you both the very best of things.[/quote]

What are the risks you see, dt?

63

[quote]beachguy498 wrote:

[quote]batman730 wrote:
Good stuff here. Not much to add but here goes (in no particular order).

First, endeavour to marry the right person for the right reasons. This is difficult to quantify and is not one size fits all. However if you marry someone hoping they’ll change, you’ll likely be disappointed. Ironically, if you marry someone hoping they’ll stay the same, you will also likely be disappointed.

Attraction is important, but it’s not the end all. We all die old and ugly (if we’re lucky enough to make it there). That person who looks so good on your arm in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s will start to go downhill in the looks department eventually. So will you. When that happens someone who is kind, respectful, funny, intelligent and helpful will be of much greater value than the person who used to be hot.

Treat your relationship like you would your bank account. Consistently put more into it than you want to take out or it’ll go broke. Also, when shit happens (and unfortunately it almost certainly will, probably more than once), you’ll have a reserve to carry you through. That said, throw away your scorecard. There will be times when you will feel like you’re putting more in than your spouse/SO. There will also be times when you actually ARE putting in more than your spouse/SO. This does not matter. Assuming your relationship is healthy, the shoe will eventually be on the other foot.

People value different things. If you express love through work/acts of service but your SO does so through cards and gifts, they may well not feel as though they are loved no matter how hard you bust your ass. This can be a real problem. Pay attention to how your SO expresses affection/gratitude/love and endeavour to respond in kind sometimes, even if it doesn’t come naturally.

Accept that in a dispute with a loved one, you can be happy or you can be right. You can very rarely be both. If you are trying to “win” a discussion, you have already lost. Never go to bed mad.

Invest in your relationship on an ongoing basis. This is easy in the beginning, but over the years weekends away together etc can begin to seem expensive and time consuming and even like a bit of a hassle. If you think they are too expensive/time consuming/a hassle, try a divorce. It’s my understanding that it’s much worse.

I will also second StrengthDawg’s grit and determination sentiment. Sometimes being married is more fun than others. If you expect “romance” to carry you through, you may be disappointed. I resolved when I stood up at my wedding and said the words that the only way I was leaving my marriage was toes first, in a bag. Period. Sometimes discipline and dogged perseverance trump passion in the moment. I’m not saying stay in a bad relationship (abusive, unfaithful, structurally incompatible etc), I’m just saying that sometimes even stuff that is worthwhile sucks for a bit. Gut up and embrace the suck.

Last, happy people make better partners. If you don’t like being you, odds are nobody else likes being with you. Follow your passions, own your crap and stay positive. Also, if respect is key in a relationship, as per John Gottman, PhD, you must respect yourself and have integrity, clear boundaries and expectations if you expect your SO to respect you.

Okay, I guess I had a few things to add after all. Sorry for text-wall.
[/quote]

Thanks for the great post and I’m in with all of it. I physically jotted down all the qualities that I wanted in my next lady friend before I met my wife. I did eventually go down that list, check, check, check… she was perfect.

After 30 years, nobody looks the same as they once did. I gained some weight, a lot of muscle, lost hair, gained tattoos. She always kept up her looks, although she gained a lot of weight, but she was never sloppy fat and stayed active with zubma and the gym. I could have seen myself going to age 90 with her.

And you do have to work on the relationship constantly and be prepared to give in at times, as the other will have to also do. You have to pick your battles as well, how important is something that it causes great strife to either of you?

We were both happy positive-people all the time. Both of us are good-humored and love to laugh. We had our interests together, but could do things alone that we each enjoyed.

All of our money was thrown in together from day 1. We never had a separate bank account. Any bigger money decisions (over $300) we both had to agree on, but I let her slide when she came home with a $3500 18’ x 33’ pool. [/quote]

Thanks beachguy. Given the apparent quality of your own marriage, this carries some weight coming form you. Again, sorry for your loss.

Your story struck a personal chord for me. A little over 2 years ago my wife was diagnosed with a very aggressive, high risk form of breast cancer. At our age (33 at the time) this is extremely rare, like the way less than 1%, doctor didn’t want to be bothered to do any tests when we found the lump because it “couldn’t” be anything serious rare. Well, we showed him… Turns out probabilities don’t mean anything to an individual, it’s always 50/50, either it is or it isn’t.

Anyway, long story short surgery/chemo/radiation etc, and today we’re cancer free. Chemo literally very nearly killed her more than once. Now, as a result of a rare complication she is left with likely permanent, potentially worsening pain and disability and a number of other persistent, severe health issues requiring a range of high test meds on a daily basis.

Grateful as I am for the standard of care we received, at times it is difficult to remember to feel lucky. However, you rarely have to look to far to find someone who’d give anything to be in your shoes instead of theirs. I’m glad to hear you cherished the time you had. My heart goes out to you brother.

Fuck cancer.

64

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
Keep it raw and memorable.

[/quote]

Fixed.

65

‘‘Last, happy people make better partners. If you don’t like being you, odds are nobody else likes being with you. Follow your passions, own your crap and stay positive’’

The most bang on phrase i’ve heard this week.

66

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
Keep it raunchy and memorable.
[/quote]

Fixed again.

67

[quote]

Ya, I mean honestly I can see it really depending on the type of person each of you is. My wife and I are both very independent and it seems to work well for us. If you are your only wife’s friend (and vice versa) I can see that becoming an issue though[/quote]

Yeah this makes sense. Especially the the part about both being independant.

68

Is the ultimate goal of every relationship marriage? If a relationship ends without a marriage, is it a failure? If you spend 5 years of happiness with a person and then find that the two of you have grown in different ways and want different things, is it fair to classify 5 years of happiness as a failure? Is a man who has never been married considered less successful at relationships that a man who has been married and divorced?

I don’t have any answer for these, but these are the types of things I think about. This site is often debating the virtues of marriage and whether it is in a guy’s best interest to get married. I would be curious whether those guys who are opposed to marriage are also of the opinion that a relationship must get to that point to be legitimized.

Is it harder to maintain a strong relationship the later in life you meet the other person? Are you better prepared for what may come because you have more experience or does the baggage you bring from previous relationships drag you down?

69

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]dt79 wrote:

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:

[quote]dt79 wrote:

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:

[quote]CLINK wrote:

[quote]dt79 wrote:

Marriages that I’ve seen where couples were “best friends” or “soul mates” before rarely last unless both grew up together.[/quote]

My wife and I are the exception… if that indeed is a rule.
[/quote]

I wasn’t going to say anything, but that statement had me scratching my head too. Maybe the soul mate portion (does anyone actually think that?), but the best friend part is strange to me. I can’t imagine not being married to my best friend. [/quote]

I wrote what I’ve seen and heard. I’m always to go to guy when friends (both male and female) have marital problems because I’m perceived as the most stable guy with a marriage devoid of any drama. Plus my wife has no problem with me going out late at night to drink with them and hear all the sob stories.

I cannot give you a reason why. All I can say is the ones that had the closest “best friends” relationship when married are the ones that spew the most hate for their spouse a decade later, and shit usually starts because they start misinterpreting one another’s intentions behind their actions when times get rough.

As I wrote on the previous page, I hate hearing about all this crap in real life. If you have a successful marriage of a nature contrary to what I’ve written, please do share it here.[/quote]

I hope you didn’t interpret that as me saying you’re wrong or anything along those lines. I didn’t mean that at all.

I’ve been married to my best friend (and I mean that) for going on 8 years. To me, if your spouse is really your best friend, major shit just doesn’t get between you. Don’t get me wrong, a male best friend, I’d punch square in the dick if need be, but you always end up having a beer afterwards. To me fight (not physically, I ain’t Ray Rice) with your BF wife is the same things, basically. At least to me it is. [/quote]

No, not at all. I wrote what I wrote also hoping to find examples contrary to what i’m seeing in real life.

I’ve treated my wife as a traditional housewife and not a friend and we’ve had no problems for 9 years. This past year we’re developing a more “friendlike” relationship as I have more free time on my hands from work, and my youngest brother has grown up and gone to Uni so she doesn’t have much to do at home. We’ve been going to the gym together among other things and she’s squatting rather heavy weights lol.

The thing is, I’m not too sure this “friend” thing is going to work out for us in the long run. So I’m looking to find examples of such relationships that others have. It’s either that or plan to have kids.

Anyway thanks for sharing details of your relationship and I wish you both the very best of things.[/quote]

What are the risks you see, dt?

[/quote]

Well, first it’s the fear this kind of relationship not working out in the long run based on what I’ve seen in real life.

Second, it’s the breakdown in the traditional roles in the family unit. We give each other a special kind of respect because of the roles we have within this unit. I do not behave the same way at home as when I’m at work or out with friends because I have to behave as the “head of the household”. And I know her behavior is in line with her role as well. If we were both friends, I think that mutual respect will be gone and chaos will ensue lol.

Do understand that this is not an issue of a woman “knowing her place”. It was how I was brought up and at the time of marriage I chose to model it after that of my parents.

70

[quote]SteelyD wrote:

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
Keep it rare, like seeing a solar eclipse or a comet.
[/quote]

Fixed again.

[/quote]

Don’t mess with me Steely.

Here’s some solid marital advice for all of ya’ll. From a woman’s point of view.

See if you can orchestrate a barroom brawl at least once a year. Men love the opportunity to go all barbarian and defend your honor. It will make him feel like a hero. If he gets arrested, you can always follow up with some “prison break” role playing after you bail him out. You get to be the sadistic warden in this deal. “I hear there’s been a prison break and the maximum security facility over the ridge. You’re gonna need to turn around and keep your hands above your head while I check you for weapons…” You get the idea.

Also, they love it when you run the credit cards up to an obscene amount that you can’t afford. Nothing gives him an adrenaline rush like seeing all those zeros on the Visa bill. He’ll decide to go for that promotion at work, and he’ll thank you for it later. Trust me on this.

A little dishonesty helps keep the sense of mystery alive. It doesn’t have to be anything big. Just stuff like bring a napkin home from his favorite restaurant and leave it on the kitchen counter. Then when he gets home he’ll see it and ask, “Oh, did you go to Javier’s for lunch?” You just say, “Nope. Huh, I wonder how that got there.” These sort of little mind games keep things fresh.

And last…The most important piece of marital advice from TN…I can’t believe nobody has said this yet… GPS his car.

71

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:

[quote]SteelyD wrote:

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
Keep it rare, like seeing a solar eclipse or a comet.
[/quote]

Fixed again.

[/quote]

Don’t mess with me Steely.

Here’s some solid marital advice for all of ya’ll. From a woman’s point of view.

See if you can orchestrate a barroom brawl at least once a year. Men love the opportunity to go all barbarian and defend your honor. It will make him feel like a hero. If he gets arrested, you can always follow up with some “prison break” role playing after you bail him out. You get to be the sadistic warden in this deal. “I hear there’s been a prison break and the maximum security facility over the ridge. You’re gonna need to turn around and keep your hands above your head while I check you for weapons…” You get the idea.

Also, they love it when you run the credit cards up to an obscene amount that you can’t afford. Nothing gives him an adrenaline rush like seeing all those zeros on the Visa bill. He’ll decide to go for that promotion at work, and he’ll thank you for it later. Trust me on this.

A little dishonesty helps keep the sense of mystery alive. It doesn’t have to be anything big. Just stuff like bring a napkin home from his favorite restaurant and leave it on the kitchen counter. Then when he gets home he’ll see it and ask, “Oh, did you go to Javier’s for lunch?” You just say, “Nope. Huh, I wonder how that got there.” These sort of little mind games keep things fresh.

And last…The most important piece of marital advice from TN…I can’t believe nobody has said this yet… GPS his car.
[/quote]

Don’t forget to “Ray Rice” your spouse every now and again. Does wonders for the relationship!

72

I LUV Justice!!!

73

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:

A little dishonesty helps keep the sense of mystery alive. It doesn’t have to be anything big. Just stuff like bring a napkin home from his favorite restaurant and leave it on the kitchen counter. Then when he gets home he’ll see it and ask, “Oh, did you go to Javier’s for lunch?” You just say, “Nope. Huh, I wonder how that got there.” These sort of little mind games keep things fresh.

[/quote]

here’s what doesnt work…

  1. come home late covered with glitter smelling like cheap perfume
  2. come home from a business trip with a business card from a strip joint in your pocket
  3. cancel a vacation to Tahoe because the Warriors made it to the playoffs, and you have season tickets
  4. come home dirty and tell your wife that you were helping a stranded woman on the freeway with a flat tire, when you cant find time to change the oil in her car.
  5. tell her that you cant do the dishes cause it hurts your back, then head to the gym to do deadlifts
  6. claim that it’s too expensive to upgrade the bathroom, but then dump 4K into your jeep, cause you needed (not really) a new set of rims and tires
  7. bail on the ‘couples baby shower’ cause you’re too tired, then head to the bar to watch the Raider game with your buddies

shall I go on?

74

[quote]Edgy wrote:

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:

A little dishonesty helps keep the sense of mystery alive. It doesn’t have to be anything big. Just stuff like bring a napkin home from his favorite restaurant and leave it on the kitchen counter. Then when he gets home he’ll see it and ask, “Oh, did you go to Javier’s for lunch?” You just say, “Nope. Huh, I wonder how that got there.” These sort of little mind games keep things fresh.

[/quote]

here’s what doesnt work…

  1. come home late covered with glitter smelling like cheap perfume
  2. come home from a business trip with a business card from a strip joint in your pocket
  3. cancel a vacation to Tahoe because the Warriors made it to the playoffs, and you have season tickets
  4. come home dirty and tell your wife that you were helping a stranded woman on the freeway with a flat tire, when you cant find time to change the oil in her car.
  5. tell her that you cant do the dishes cause it hurts your back, then head to the gym to do deadlifts
  6. claim that it’s too expensive to upgrade the bathroom, but then dump 4K into your jeep, cause you needed (not really) a new set of rims and tires
  7. bail on the ‘couples baby shower’ cause you’re too tired, then head to the bar to watch the Raider game with your buddies

shall I go on?
[/quote]

LMAO, sure!

  1. Kids must have thrown tropical scented glitter at you!!!
  2. Evil coworker must have slipped ticket in there to hide it from his wife!
    3)Lame bro
  3. LMAO
    5)Her job anyways
  4. Drive jeep into woods, take a shit problem solved!!!
    7)Baby showers are for baby growers. Not men!!!
75

I have all sorts of thoughts in response to stuff you guys have written, but am crunched for time. Hopefully I’ll get to it over the next day or so. I wanted to report on something I found really lovely.

My boyfriend has a nephew, maybe 28-29, who’s married to his high school sweetheart. We spend a lot of time with them and I really like who they are as people and as a couple. They bicker occasionally, but they’re always brief squalls and always based on his pressing her to be more adventurous than she might otherwise be (both very adventurous, outdoorsy).

Anyway, she was telling me about having climbed a mountain that terrified her, but at some point she looked down and realized she couldn’t go back, up was less scary. When she reported getting to the top she absolutely beamed and said “[A] was so proud of me!”

I think wanting to please and impress the other is important. These two have been together for 13 years, married for 5. Personally, I hate disappointing anyone, but I especially want my guy to be proud of me and pleased with me.

76

[quote]SmilingPolitely wrote:
Is the ultimate goal of every relationship marriage? If a relationship ends without a marriage, is it a failure? If you spend 5 years of happiness with a person and then find that the two of you have grown in different ways and want different things, is it fair to classify 5 years of happiness as a failure? Is a man who has never been married considered less successful at relationships that a man who has been married and divorced?

I don’t have any answer for these, but these are the types of things I think about. This site is often debating the virtues of marriage and whether it is in a guy’s best interest to get married. I would be curious whether those guys who are opposed to marriage are also of the opinion that a relationship must get to that point to be legitimized.

Is it harder to maintain a strong relationship the later in life you meet the other person? Are you better prepared for what may come because you have more experience or does the baggage you bring from previous relationships drag you down?

[/quote]

Personally I don’t think a wedding is needed to legitimize a relationship, though I am probably geared toward marriage personally. I think success and failure are similarly subjective ideas. My ex-husband has a much darker personality than me and may classify our 23-year marriage as a failure while I see it as a success to a large degree.

As for later in life, I think someone who’s done a good job of processing their piece in past successes and failures is probably going to avoid mistakes, while someone who externalizes blame and makes no internal changes will have the same relationship and failures over and over again. People with insight and the ability to self-reflect tend to grow stronger while people who assume the problem is bad luck or “men/women today” will add bitterness to already weak relationship skills and have increasingly poor outcome.

77

[quote]dt79 wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]dt79 wrote:

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:

[quote]dt79 wrote:

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:

[quote]CLINK wrote:

[quote]dt79 wrote:

Marriages that I’ve seen where couples were “best friends” or “soul mates” before rarely last unless both grew up together.[/quote]

My wife and I are the exception… if that indeed is a rule.
[/quote]

I wasn’t going to say anything, but that statement had me scratching my head too. Maybe the soul mate portion (does anyone actually think that?), but the best friend part is strange to me. I can’t imagine not being married to my best friend. [/quote]

I wrote what I’ve seen and heard. I’m always to go to guy when friends (both male and female) have marital problems because I’m perceived as the most stable guy with a marriage devoid of any drama. Plus my wife has no problem with me going out late at night to drink with them and hear all the sob stories.

I cannot give you a reason why. All I can say is the ones that had the closest “best friends” relationship when married are the ones that spew the most hate for their spouse a decade later, and shit usually starts because they start misinterpreting one another’s intentions behind their actions when times get rough.

As I wrote on the previous page, I hate hearing about all this crap in real life. If you have a successful marriage of a nature contrary to what I’ve written, please do share it here.[/quote]

I hope you didn’t interpret that as me saying you’re wrong or anything along those lines. I didn’t mean that at all.

I’ve been married to my best friend (and I mean that) for going on 8 years. To me, if your spouse is really your best friend, major shit just doesn’t get between you. Don’t get me wrong, a male best friend, I’d punch square in the dick if need be, but you always end up having a beer afterwards. To me fight (not physically, I ain’t Ray Rice) with your BF wife is the same things, basically. At least to me it is. [/quote]

No, not at all. I wrote what I wrote also hoping to find examples contrary to what i’m seeing in real life.

I’ve treated my wife as a traditional housewife and not a friend and we’ve had no problems for 9 years. This past year we’re developing a more “friendlike” relationship as I have more free time on my hands from work, and my youngest brother has grown up and gone to Uni so she doesn’t have much to do at home. We’ve been going to the gym together among other things and she’s squatting rather heavy weights lol.

The thing is, I’m not too sure this “friend” thing is going to work out for us in the long run. So I’m looking to find examples of such relationships that others have. It’s either that or plan to have kids.

Anyway thanks for sharing details of your relationship and I wish you both the very best of things.[/quote]

What are the risks you see, dt?

[/quote]

Well, first it’s the fear this kind of relationship not working out in the long run based on what I’ve seen in real life.

Second, it’s the breakdown in the traditional roles in the family unit. We give each other a special kind of respect because of the roles we have within this unit. I do not behave the same way at home as when I’m at work or out with friends because I have to behave as the “head of the household”. And I know her behavior is in line with her role as well. If we were both friends, I think that mutual respect will be gone and chaos will ensue lol.

Do understand that this is not an issue of a woman “knowing her place”. It was how I was brought up and at the time of marriage I chose to model it after that of my parents.
[/quote]

I think traditional roles are a fine choice if both people are happy with that setup. I’m not sure I see the danger for you if a respectful friendship is added to the mix. You have your roles and those can remain. You as protector and friend, her as nurturer and friend.

78

[quote]SmilingPolitely wrote:
Is the ultimate goal of every relationship marriage? If a relationship ends without a marriage, is it a failure? If you spend 5 years of happiness with a person and then find that the two of you have grown in different ways and want different things, is it fair to classify 5 years of happiness as a failure? Is a man who has never been married considered less successful at relationships that a man who has been married and divorced?

I don’t have any answer for these, but these are the types of things I think about. This site is often debating the virtues of marriage and whether it is in a guy’s best interest to get married. I would be curious whether those guys who are opposed to marriage are also of the opinion that a relationship must get to that point to be legitimized.

Is it harder to maintain a strong relationship the later in life you meet the other person? Are you better prepared for what may come because you have more experience or does the baggage you bring from previous relationships drag you down?

[/quote]

Marriage need not be the goal of every relationship at all. However, I submit that while marriage does significantly change the dynamics of a relationship, most of the common foundations being cited as necessary for a sound marriage (mutual respect, flexibility, communication, basic compatibility etc) will be necessary to support a happy LTR. The exception would be the dogged determination to stay together “for better or for worse” and all that.

A relationship that concludes without a marriage is not necessarily a “failure” so much as an experiment that has run its course. Although I would say it’s more successful if it concludes without significant acrimony and resentment.

One problem with married vs unmarried LTR’s is that, depending on where you live, if you’ve been living together distribution of assets etc at the close of a common law union can be just as punitive (and generally unfavourable for guys) as if you’d said “I do”. Whether the relationship is “legitimized” or not, it is potentially legally binding.

I strive to get better at virtually everything I do as I get older. Experience outweighs baggage, if you handle your crap. I see no reason why relationships need be an exception. If you have learned from earlier relationships and aren’t just knee jerk avoiding or repeating old patterns you should be able to do better each time around. You will both likely be more set in your ways, which provides it’s own challenges, but it can be a positive as well.

I hope I don’t have occasion to test this theory.

80

[quote]pushharder wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]dt79 wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]dt79 wrote:

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:

[quote]dt79 wrote:

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:

[quote]CLINK wrote:

[quote]dt79 wrote:

Marriages that I’ve seen where couples were “best friends” or “soul mates” before rarely last unless both grew up together.[/quote]

My wife and I are the exception… if that indeed is a rule.
[/quote]

I wasn’t going to say anything, but that statement had me scratching my head too. Maybe the soul mate portion (does anyone actually think that?), but the best friend part is strange to me. I can’t imagine not being married to my best friend. [/quote]

I wrote what I’ve seen and heard. I’m always to go to guy when friends (both male and female) have marital problems because I’m perceived as the most stable guy with a marriage devoid of any drama. Plus my wife has no problem with me going out late at night to drink with them and hear all the sob stories.

I cannot give you a reason why. All I can say is the ones that had the closest “best friends” relationship when married are the ones that spew the most hate for their spouse a decade later, and shit usually starts because they start misinterpreting one another’s intentions behind their actions when times get rough.

As I wrote on the previous page, I hate hearing about all this crap in real life. If you have a successful marriage of a nature contrary to what I’ve written, please do share it here.[/quote]

I hope you didn’t interpret that as me saying you’re wrong or anything along those lines. I didn’t mean that at all.

I’ve been married to my best friend (and I mean that) for going on 8 years. To me, if your spouse is really your best friend, major shit just doesn’t get between you. Don’t get me wrong, a male best friend, I’d punch square in the dick if need be, but you always end up having a beer afterwards. To me fight (not physically, I ain’t Ray Rice) with your BF wife is the same things, basically. At least to me it is. [/quote]

No, not at all. I wrote what I wrote also hoping to find examples contrary to what i’m seeing in real life.

I’ve treated my wife as a traditional housewife and not a friend and we’ve had no problems for 9 years. This past year we’re developing a more “friendlike” relationship as I have more free time on my hands from work, and my youngest brother has grown up and gone to Uni so she doesn’t have much to do at home. We’ve been going to the gym together among other things and she’s squatting rather heavy weights lol.

The thing is, I’m not too sure this “friend” thing is going to work out for us in the long run. So I’m looking to find examples of such relationships that others have. It’s either that or plan to have kids.

Anyway thanks for sharing details of your relationship and I wish you both the very best of things.[/quote]

What are the risks you see, dt?

[/quote]

Well, first it’s the fear this kind of relationship not working out in the long run based on what I’ve seen in real life.

Second, it’s the breakdown in the traditional roles in the family unit. We give each other a special kind of respect because of the roles we have within this unit. I do not behave the same way at home as when I’m at work or out with friends because I have to behave as the “head of the household”. And I know her behavior is in line with her role as well. If we were both friends, I think that mutual respect will be gone and chaos will ensue lol.

Do understand that this is not an issue of a woman “knowing her place”. It was how I was brought up and at the time of marriage I chose to model it after that of my parents.
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I think traditional roles are a fine choice if both people are happy with that setup. I’m not sure I see the danger for you if a respectful friendship is added to the mix. You have your roles and those can remain. You as protector and friend, her as nurturer and friend. [/quote]

Does that mean that, inversely, a non-traditional role with her as protector and him as nurturer is a “fine choice” too?
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Sure, I think it’s a fine choice if people can make it work. I think there are steady loving relationships wherein the female is the leading partner and the male somewhat dependent. Not my cuppa tea, but if it works why not? Not all men are masculine and not all women are soft and feminine. If they find one another and fall in love who is harmed?