[quote]T3hPwnisher wrote:
Got a few thoughts in my head I want to get down. Once again, I apologize for the dramatics, but this is my reality.
As I’ve mentioned, as much as I try to keep my cool here, in reality my emotions are all over the place. I thought I was keeping things under control, but when I told my wife how I was feeling, she told me it was pretty obvious. I’ve apparently been getting unreasonably angry about small inconveniences. It really just feels like a dam wall is about to burst with me, and I can feel fire red hot bubbling rage barely contained under the surface. In truth, I don’t even know what I’m mad about. I don’t know if I’m mad that I got hurt, or that I’m not training the way I want to train, or if I just don’t have my normal outlet for these emotions. I wonder if heavy training has been my way of self-medicating away my frustrations, and now that it’s not there, they’re building up.
Probably the more interesting part of this is that I like this feeling. It’s passion, fire hot. I feel hunger like I’ve never felt before, and every time I make the smallest victory in training it just increases the hunger a millionfold. The only issue is there is nowhere to channel it, and the more I let it build, the more it spills out. It’s a tight rope.
Like I said, I’m coming back from this thing evil. I think it’s going to take a long time before the good me can be in control again. I need to focus on directing my rage where it’s appropriate. I need to fight FOR my loved ones rather than with them, and I think it also means that I need to quit taking any shit from anyone else.
On an only semi-related tangent, I’ve been thinking a bit about something I read from Camus. In “The Myth of Sisyphus”, he had a passage that really resonated with me. Much of what Camus wrote about what the inherent absurdity of our existence, and the Sisyphus story highlights it significantly. Sisyphus’ existence is absolutely absurd and meaningless. He is condemned to a task that will never end nor bear any success, rolling a boulder up a hill just to have it roll back down again. There is no meaning, no purpose, no accomplishment.
However, there is a moment that Sisyphus also lives over and over again, and that is the moment immediately after the boulder rolls down the hill. This is the moment where Sisyphus walks back to the boulder, knowing the task he has to accomplish. It is in this moment that Sisyphus exercises freedom, for instead of resigning himself to his punishment, he can instead CHOOSE to push the boulder up the hill again. As he walks back, he acknowledges that his task is meaningless and absurd, and he ALSO acknowledges that he is still going to do it, because it is what he does. He exercises a mastery over the absurd, for he recognizes it for what it is, and chooses to pursue his task in spite of the absurdity, rather than trying to hide from it.
Right now, I feel like I’m walking back to that boulder.[/quote]
Very happy to hear of the recent good news. I also really resonated well with that post. It shows that no matter how steadfast we remain, we are still human and it’s okay to own up to your darker moments of weakness.
That story was one I had not recalled in such a long time, but it’s so awesome. A select few who train with the same paradigm of the story of Sisyphus have to ask themselves the question “Why am I doing this?”. I still don’t really know myself, because sometimes it just really fucking hurts, and it’s sometimes so hot out that I feel like I’m going to die if I keep doing AMRAP death medleys. Truth be told, that’s kind of why I want to keep doing it. I need the feeling of pain, and the fear of what the next workout may hold. It keeps me chasing something. Competition is big to me, but it’s never as bold or as vast with magnitude as what goes on in my head mid training. That’s the most important to me.
Anyways, /endrant, not my log to be ranting in. If nothing else, your log is a reminder to be thankful for the virtue of being thankful! So uh, thanks!