Excellent question, my friend!
Ok, so immigrants like to keep their line pure. Fair enough, but if they were white…oh dear that’s rascist. And like Ko says, they reason why Chinese parents don’t want their children marrying “Anglos” is because of THEIR attitudes? How ridiculous. I am supremely confident that WASPs are the LEAST rascist people in the world. All of our cultures are actually multicultural, yet other races’ are strangely monoethnic. So who actually has rascist attitudes?
Yet because I am saying this, I will get branded rascist by the loony left thought police.
You’re talking about the difference between eros love (self-serving love) and agape love (or self-sacrificing love). The former will not last. The latter is what makes a marriage work.
It’s racism in both cases if the non-acceptance is based on race. However, if it is culture, then one can make accomodations, while one cannot change one’s race.
Make a film of you nailing her and send it to her parents…At least they will have a reason to hate you. They are discriminating against you 'cause your a honkey. Fuck 'em, they will get real friendly when they have a grandchild they want to see.
U R not alone buddy, my parents dont approve of my girlfriend either, in this she is the local white girl. My sister and brother are cool with it, but I had to sit down with my mom and reason it out with her. She has come to accept it, but we R careful with my father since he gets all stressed out/sick. Tell your girl to communicate with her parents and try to make them understand that how important you R for her, and how make her happy…blah blah, dont get defensive or argumentative. On your part learn more about her culture esp how to act with elders and in family gatherings. U always have to diplomatic with these things. Good Luck and I hope it all works out for U.
Hmmm, I think that’s a little problematic. I mean, it’s kind of hard to change one’s culture as well, don’t you think? I can’t just all of a sudden say, “Okay, I’m not American anymore.” (Not talking about nationality here, but one’s actual cultural heritage/background.)
Also, as you must know from your own experiences here in Japan, “culture” can be a code work for “race”. That’s what happens to the ethnic Koreans here after all. Even though they were born here, raised here, speak this language, and are basically indistinguishable from the Japanese racially, their “cultural background” is different, and used as a basis for systematic discrimination.
No, I’m 100% with cloakmanor on this one. People have commented about various discriminatory remarks that have been made on this board, and there certainly have been some assholes making fools of themselves. No argument there. But I think that there’s also been a fair amount of anti-white remarks, and people don’t even realize it.
Just to give one example, on a thread about tattoos, someone wrote in that he hated seeing young urban white guys with those ethnic “tribal” tattoos. Trying to be something they’re not, and all that. And lots of others wrote in and agreed. But think about it - if you turn it around and say something like “I hate seeing Mexicans wearing business suits” or “I hate seeing young Japanese women with short haircuts” (long hair being traditionally retained until one gets married), then what does that sound like? Obviously, it’s no good. But if you say something intended to keep white guys in “their place” - well, that passes by without a remark.
There are definitely two sides to this particular coin.
To Bride…I agree. Love should be self sacrificing. However I could turn 180 degrees and point out another viewpoint: shouldn’t the girl’s parents be self sacrificing enough to accept him as a human being whether the person in question be a caucasan or asian?
My Gf’s parents love me. Their Filipino born and raised in the Filipines. Do I know Tagologue, nope. Do they look down on me for not knowing it, nope. Hell, they were laughing at me the other day when I was eating Spam, eggs, and rice for breakfast. I just kinda make it a big joke that I’m the funny white guy in the family, that won’t eat anything with the head still attached. Everyone just accepts me for who I am and appreciate how I treat their daughter. Hell half their own kids don’t understand Tagologue either(mostly the guys). To add to the point about it sometimes being racial. Half the time when we’re in public together we get dirty looks from other Filipinos(mainly the young guys or older Filipinos). Last night at Starbucks for example she caught a whole group mean mugg’n. I generally don’t notice or care for that matter, but my Gf does and it pisses her off. I mean these people don’t know us. What gives them the right to judge or look down upon. Face it people some people a just racist and it isn’t always whitey. He should learn more about her and the culture if he so chooses and NOT as a prerequisite.
Well, you’ve hit the nail on the head. When people say “culture” when they actually mean “race,” then obviously there is nothing one can do to make accomodations. You mentioned that one cannot change one’s culture, but really, are people that different? For all the differences in culture, all those rituals, customs and gestures serve basically the same purpose–forming human bonds and maintaining them. It is basically another form of language. Learning about different cultures allow people from different backgrounds to communicate respect and amity.
Frankly, the Korean/Japanese conflict has never been entirely about culture. Koreans considered Japanese as inferior, lowly people that the Korean kingdom of Paekche gave advanced culture to. The original Chinese character “Wae” (pronounced “Wa” in Japanese) means “small” or “weak” though Japanese have decided to substitute the character meaning “harmony” in its place. The Japanese, for their part, have responded in kind, once they had the upper hand in terms of economic and military power.
I still stand by my stance that parents who do not like a potential in-law because their inability or unwillingness to understand their culture is understandable. I think the purest example of that would be a Southern hick not being accepted by a liberal New England family. However, I do agree with you that in many cases, “culture” is just a euphemism for racism.
I was wondering when you’d get around to responding, bud - didn’t think that you’d let that one go!
That was some good info about the Korean viewpoint. I know the Japanese side of the story pretty well, but have virtually no insight into the Korean. I could definitely use a little balancing out in that area.
And I agree with you that it is definitely understandable when parents get nervous about their daughter’s dating someone who they can’t even talk to. Understandable, but maybe not right. Still, that attitude isn’t going to (and shouldn’t, frankly) change anytime soon. My only beef is that when it’s some “minority” people tend to cut them some slack because they’re “preserving their culture” or something, and when it’s some WASP family there’s all this condemnation about how we’re not being “multicultural” enough or some such. Seems like a pretty hefty double standard to me.
Acceptance is a two way street. To actually understand, accept, and perhaps love them as your in-laws, i.e. members of your family, and for who they are as people besides being your fiance’s parents, it will help you to understand something of their culture and language. That is a very good motive for doing a little background work, including learning some Cantonese, even if only a very little at first.
It is true that their attitude toward you must seem ungenerous at the least. They live in North America, but in a chinese community. They’re not ready or able to integrate culturally. Like anyone in such a situation, they prefer to avoid what they suppose cannot fit for them. But none of that is based on their view of you as an individual, only on generalities.
Communication will fix the problem of acceptance, but it will be up to you to extend yourself a bit. If they lived in China, you’d possibly bother to read up on manners and language at least a bit before going to visit them. It’s no less suitable to do at least as much in this case, I think. Good luck!
frank
It reminds of the situation my brother had. He was dating an Okinawan girl, yet her parents would want nothing to with him, even though he was yonsei. Makes we wish that I could speak better Japanese myself. I went to Japanese school in grade school, and took 2 years in college as well. But now I remember is some swear words. So my best advice is to learn as much as you can about being Cantonese, and if it does not work out, you will be a better person for doing it.