Apologies for such a late reply, but I don’t think society will ever understand how to talk “to” someone instead of “at” someone regarding this.
My husband and I have practiced conversations repeatedly about how to approach this with our future kid(s).
And I also took up sexual health “training” for my job for youth both my age, and the younger generation. I put quotes around the training, because a decent stack of papers kept referencing abstinence and I honestly had to sit back and just deal with how frustrated I was because nearly half of the protocol talked about it.
Abstinence on paper sounds great, abstinence in the face of growing up, finding friends, experiencing trauma, first love, hormones, heart break, getting a job, living up to parents/society’s expectations….starts to fall null. Falling null doesn’t always have to show up as sexual rebellion either.
I think @mnben87 mentioned something crucial and that’s access. Young people should have access to information, and access to a decent amount of options. Has it always been like that? No. But it should have been.
Another thing that I think that’s just as powerful is honesty on behalf on parents/guardians. Telling young people not to have sex is hopeful at the best, and destructive at worst. Because it’s rare we simply…keep our hands to ourselves.
I don’t think it’s going to help solely focusing on younger women, but BOTH young women and men. I understand the focus shift though. Women bring the next generations into life. But young men have just as much emotion and sexual attraction swirling around as do younger women. I don’t think that’s going to work as much as it could because to this day, talking about emotions is just…well people would rather chew broken glass than talk about their emotions. Younger people tend to be driven by their emotions, so to me, talking about things such as hopes, expectations, fears, learned behaviors, coping mechanisms, sexual attraction, HOW they view sex, etc., will help drastically.
I know I sound like an idealist, but I’ve read enough and sat through enough, and experienced a decent amount to at least say, with confidence, that withholding and restricting does more harm than good. Sure, in past cases/past cultural traditions the outcome was no children until marriage/until a certain age, but what was learned? What was retained? What value was taken? What perspectives were shifted and deemed “most important? And where was the value concerning the individual?
I do think with certain cultures, women are viewed as the sum of their ability to bear children. And I think that is deeply rooted in the Western society we see today. And I understand it. Do I think we stand divided now more than ever? Yes. Do I think both sides are causing tremendous amounts of pressure? Yes. But the anger, and what caused it, is valid.
On a more specific note, at least continuing to talk about Western/U.S. things, since I can’t make generalizations about every society/culture or it’s views towards sex/marriage/relationships, but I will provide a very specific situation I went through. My mom was amazing at breaking down sex and teaching me what it was. My father? Not so much. He taught me to keep my legs closed because “that’s what a good woman should do”. My mom on the other hand, drew such a beautiful and grounded picture of sexual activity/romance. She explained things she experienced, as well as what she observed in my dad when they were teenagers. She told me that at the end of the day, the decisions I make are mine, but that “I am more than the sum of my physical parts.”
I think In Western society we (women), have been guarding something we deem as threatened for so long, that our identity now lies within JUST that thing. Completely? No, but so much so that we’ve taken promiscuity, women’s rights, body positivity, sexual activity, etc., and ran so far with it as a means to say “This is my body and I’ll do whatever I want with it”, to the point we end up hurting ourselves. Should a woman value herself? Yes. Be proud of herself? Yes. Find autonomy in caring and deciding who or what enters her? Yes. By all means, but where’s the line between doing that for herself and making a social justice statement?
I do agree with this statement heavily as well:
Going back to the conversations my husband and I would have about what we would say to our kid(s), I would ALWAYS tell him to speak. Don’t just say definitives, and PLEASE bring life to the things you say. Say how you felt, what you wish someone would’ve told you, things you thought were important but weren’t, etc. Spell all of that out for a young kid. Condoms and contraceptives work, but so does relating to someone.
And on an even more personal note: I completely agree to whoever it was that commented on society’s portrayal of sex/relationships/romance. Giving a painful example from someone of the black community, sexual activities, even just sexuality itself is being torn apart by media, specifically the music. I used to have such a deep hatred for rap music because it tears apart a woman down to her physical reproductive parts, and chalks a man up to values so demeaning. Couple that with violence, drug abuse, poverty, etc., and it’s no wonder a large percentage of black communities end up being stereotypes and statistics. But I digress, because there’s equal forces from all directions that bleed out far past just black communities that perpetuate on a much larger scale.
Amidst all of that, the rights, the planned parenthood, the media, the communities, the sex Ed, the past, the traditions, social interactions, media, etc., I think even beyond what people can observe, study, etc. Teaching the younger generations that it starts in their mindset and emotions would be one of the best ways to go about it. I say this a lot, and I’ll say it here: “Our outward actions, are merely symptoms of what goes on inside of us.” And I say that on an individual, case by case basis.
We can tell a young girl to watch out. To not do this, and not do that, to pick these kind of men, to carry herself like this and that. We can tell a young boy to carry himself like this, to pick a young woman who does x,y, and z, get this job, make this amount of money, etc. But what then?
For every parent/guardian who indulges, teaches, and listens to when a young person says things like, “I find this young person like myself very attractive. I get nervous to the point I can’t concentrate, I don’t have much confidence in myself, and I have no idea who I even am yet, and I wonder what she/he thinks of me. I have these sexual thoughts about this person that I have no idea about, but I feel them so strongly. I see tv shows and hear songs that suggest so many things, and my own developing perspective is filled to the brim with so many possibilities”. I congratulate them (parent/guardian/older generation). I think that’s the ticket right there. The ins and out don’t matter, but the case by case instances of us promoting a healthy outlook on life is what helps.
Sexual education , birth control, abstinence, etc., I find can be cared about more than the people they are supposed to be for.
Again, I know a lot of what I say can sound idealistic. Or just dreams I type out, but It’s these things that keep me up at night sometimes, and sure, I am quite hopeful regardless of what goes on today, but it’s these viewpoints I think matter, and for every young person who comes across such ideals, the one who catches on, grows up, and teaches others, keeps these things alive.