How Do you Know it's Over?

Training Over 35 Lifter
41

[quote]63Galaxie wrote:
b12sblue2002 wrote:

I am sworn forever off that sham con game of sex for security called marraige. I am with someone now, but will never again get married. Good luck!

I am truly sorry to hear your story. In many ways it mirrors my own experience. So when I write this to you its with the understanding that Im not talking form a bubble.

I dont know what state you live in, but I can tell you in Texas it doesnt matter if your legally married or not. If she wants to take you to court she can. And you are correct about the out come. The woman (at least in this state) has the upper hand. And sometimes a divorce from a common law marriage is much more difficult to go through, after the courts are done.

[/quote]

I live in Caleefornia, and was thinking of moving in together after 3 years. Thanks for the advice :slight_smile: I am not all that bitter, just wiser for the wear and much happier now.

42

[quote]b12sblue2002 wrote:
Hoosegow can only offer from my own experience.
was married 15yrs, now divorced for 2. one of the hardest things I ever went through.

Been through the thick and thin as others have mentioned; military done deployments, moved and lost a house, had bankruptcy, wife got bariatric surgery from fork-in-mouth disease, 2 kids, son has autism was so bad had to go in a group home for a year, depression, sexless marraige, turned to alcohol for a while, you name it.

went to counseling many times, but in the end, she wasnt going to change. she had some good characteristics but many bad ones. Living there was like the Demilitarized Zone, house unkept, piles of crap everywhere. I did my job, then came home and did all the housework. I played with the kids all the time and that is what I miss the most.

someone posted the kids stay at the level they were at when you divorce, I am seeing that now and am estranged from my daughter, don’t see her/she doesnt want to see me. She is 10 and her mind has been poisoned by her mother. I still see my son 12, who is a real trooper.

My regret is getting married in the first place. I dont regret getting the divorce, and frankly the only reason i didnt do it sooner was because I kept trying to make it work. For about 8 years I tried. that was enough. The kids were 8 and 10 when I filed, then deployed twice dragging it out, and being gone didnt help relationships any.

I say cut bait and run if you have tried and it isnt working. If you love her and want to keep at it, at least you can say you tried. Dont give up until you have tried to make it work through frank honest communication, there is marital counseling, church services (if you are into that), etc.

You have been together a long time and you know her true character. if she can or will change and wants to make it work, you have a chance to save the marraige.

Also the courts will fuck you financially. She will cry and the judge will wipe her tears with your checkbook. Be prepared for that. my lazy pos wife never worked a day in her life and now I am paying for trying to be the good husband and let her stay at home and take care of the kids.

I am sworn forever off that sham con game of sex for security called marraige. I am with someone now, but will never again get married. Good luck! [/quote]

Except for the house deal, that hit home. I couldn’t care less about the money. She can have it all. Hell, I love her enough that I don’t want to see her suffer.

We actually had a real long talk. I basically told her we married the wrong people. We were two kids madly in love and didn’t know any better. I told her I’d love to see her with someone who made her happy. She has earned that and she is basically a good person.

Anyway, she talked me into trying to make it work. FWIW, some of these posts here convinced me to give it one more try. We have a couple of really tough things we have to get through where she will really need me in the next year.

I have decided, when those are over and if things aren’t any better, I can’t stick around. I guess until then, I’ll have to wait and see. FML :slight_smile:

Oh ya, I’d get married again, but it would have to be one hell of a special woman.

43

Good work, Hoosegow. I find that the period up until actually talking with the spouse is the hardest for me. Once we talk, a lot of the tension goes away, and I’m left wondering what it was I was so uptight about.

Sounds like you’ve made a good first step. My advice, for what it’s worth, is to 1) really make a go of it for the next year (i.e. don’t just do the minimum and slide through); 2) give the counseling a try.

Good luck!

44

Some very impressive advice here, makes me proud to be a part of this community.

Think very hard about where you are going as you may not realise what you have till it is gone.

My marriage had some major problems and I was hanging round till my boys finished school…never intended to stay longer…

when my youngest was 16 he was almost killed in a car crash driven by my oldest son. (trying to outrun police for a random breath test when he had not been drinking… basically brain explosion typical of the young)

we had one child in the resuscitation room (he made it some others that night did not) and then hospital, rehab, for months, while attending court for my other sons trial, together with him having terrible problems with the guilt of what he had done.

from that I now have two happy healthy well adjusted kids now 25 & 28 and am still married. She did an amazing job, and recognises the same in me…

you will never know when you will really need each other, what you have between you, is irreplaceable

I will say something else, I have taken up other things in life that give me great joy.

Not that my marriage is lacking, but I do not need may partner to make me happy, and in return she often gets happiness from seeing my joy…

45

(I wrote this before I finished reading the entire thread. Hoosegow, looks like you’ve already gone and done what I was going to suggest. Good luck!)

My mother left my father after 18 years of marriage. It was something she had thought about for many years. My parents were both good people but they just weren’t a good match for each other.

My mother remarried a few years later. She’s much, much happier than she ever would have been had she stayed with my father. She and my stepfather are celebrating their 29th anniversary next month, and anyone can see how much they are in love with each other. Leaving my father was absolutely the best decision - for her.

My father dated for a while after my mom left, but never remarried. I don’t think he was willing to risk getting hurt again. He died a few years ago. I think he was starved for affection for many years.

Did it affect me and my brothers? I don’t know, maybe it did. I’m 48 and have gone through a string of live-together girlfriends over the years, but have never married.

You want advice? Sit down and really talk to your wife. Open up to her, take a chance, tell her how you really feel. You may catch her off guard and she may tell you how she really feels, and then maybe you have a chance of figuring it out together. Action is preferable to inaction.

  • Jake
46

[quote]hoosegow wrote:
She is the mother of your children and in all intensive purposes is a good person. [/quote]

I am sorry , I really don’t do this, and apologize for being an asshole but its “for all intents and purposes”