[quote]Cortes wrote:
[quote]LoRez wrote:
While for the most part it appeared to work on the surface, certain fundamentals between us came to light over time. And ultimately, we decided it really wasn’t going to work and ended things.
But I’m 99% sure we wouldn’t have known that if we hadn’t spent a good 2 years cohabitating and trying to make it work. In fact, if it were purely due to “love”, we’d still be together. We ended it because the other stuff just wasn’t working.[/quote]
LoRez, respectfully, you aren’t 99% sure of anything, because you did not marry before cohabitation. If you had waited to do this and married the girl, particularly if children had entered the picture, you both may have found that you could have become far more compatible with each other than either of you had ever expected. Your outlook changes when you are truly 100% committed. [/quote]
There were no kids, but we were committed enough to resolving our issues that we both ended up working with therapists on an individual basis (for over a year), and also attempted couples/marriage counseling. And since we weren’t married, we both paid out of pocket. Ending things wasn’t taken lightly by any means.
It really came down to fundamentally different value systems.
For instance, we both wanted a sense of stability in the relationship. For me, I needed to know she was going to be there when I really needed her. I was there for her that way, but she wasn’t there for me. For her, she needed to know that I was going to be consistent, routine, regular. She was giving me that, but I didn’t/couldn’t give her that in return.
So she perceived that she couldn’t rely on me, because in everyday normal life, I wasn’t consistent enough for her (e.g., what time I came home from work; or whether I checked the mail every day). At the same time, if anything important needed to happen, I always pulled through… and showed her that I was reliable.
Sometimes these differences bordered on the ridiculous. We agreed to alternate meals, her one night, me the next. Usually she’d cook. Sometimes I’d cook. Sometimes I’d take her out. Her taste in food was very restrictive though, and she was very vague about what she wanted, so most of the food I’d cook for her she didn’t really like. We started eating out more often. After awhile, she started complaining that I never cooked for her anymore. I explained why, then pointed her to a cookbook and asked her to give me a list of recipes she’d be ok with me making for her. But she refused. I held my ground. So she decided it’d be better not eat together.
I valued spending time with her; she valued being able to control me. When she realized she couldn’t, she didn’t know how to deal with it.
But even that story is too biased. She probably has a perfectly legitimate point of view too.
This stuff didn’t show up until we were seeing each other daily. You can certainly say that our conflict-resolution needed some work [or, more specifically, hers did]. But the other part was that there were certain things that she valued that were at odds with things that I valued.
It was the mundane things like laundry, vacuuming, washing/emptying the dishes, cooking dinner, where these differences started to really become apparent. Could we have seen that before cohabitating? Probably, but it was that aspect that brought it to light. I know now I’d be a lot better at spotting those issues with someone new.
–
We looked at marriage as 100% commitment. It wasn’t something you backed out of. And we reached a point where both of us saw that it would take a lot of counseling and serious change before it would be happy and successful. We might get married, but we weren’t ready yet.
We also looked at it as a prerequisite to having kids. From a purely biological standpoint, she wants to have kids in 3-5 years. It’s possible things might stabilize in that time, but we decided it would likely be easier to find someone else who’s more “naturally” compatible with us, value-wise.
If it weren’t for that, we’d probably still be together, working on making it work.