Hoping I can get back to the gym at some point this week. Stomach has been giving me hell again, I may have to keep sessions to twice a week until I can feasibly do more, but I’m at least doing something. Squats are on the menu once I can eat enough food to have a workout without having any issues.
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I figured out how to train. I have to do it fasted, first thing in the morning, with just a cup of coffee and a banana, after my first bowel movement of the day. I also need to take up intermittent fasting, because I won’t use the bathroom if there is nothing in my stomach. So, I get to take care of my business all day and use the bathroom/eat at night, at least until I figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. Going to squat tomorrow because I finally used the bathroom. I’m getting back to it. Also, yesterday marked a month with no cigarettes. I have another week on the patch and I am done with that too. It’s nice not to be so dependent on nicotine anymore, I’m on Step 3 of the patch and I don’t really notice if I forget to apply the patch. It’s almost surreal to not crave a cigarette every half hour, and on my worst days I can always say that I quit smoking. That will never be something I regret.
List of current safe foods includes eggs, bananas, toast, chicken, rice, black coffee, and bland shit. I’m not even sure vegetables are good for me. Last time I had them, I had diarrhea for three days. Maybe that was just a coincidence? Either way I’m laying low on fiber, letting my stomach calm down, and trying to gain some weight. Life is really, really hard right now but in a few months I’ll be in a better spot to take more steps to help myself.
I have to maintain my two jobs, save enough money to move out in 10 weeks because that’s when I turn 18, keep my grades up, stay in the gym, take care of my health, and fulfill home responsibilities and deal with my mom trying to sabotage every move I make. She sees what’s happening and that she can’t really tell me what to do anymore; she doesn’t like it.
In just a few months, I will have one easier job (won’t have to work at the power plant doing slave labor anymore) and I’ll have more of a handle on the other job (and I’ll be able to work more frequently because I will be done with school until mid-August), I will be living on my own and not subject to my home environment, I will have more time to pursue my other hobbies and interests, I’ll be able to switch out of “survival mode” and form an identity for myself (because I really don’t have one right now, and I never really got the chance to make one), and I think I’ll be a lot more content with my circumstances. I hope so. Only way to know is to try.
I still have very frequent panic attacks and spend a lot of my time depressed, anxious, angry, and hopeless but I still do what I have to do because I know it’s all in my head at this point. I smoke a lot of weed for anxiety purposes and pain management, it helps most of the time. I just wish I was somebody else most of the time.
I’m giving life a chance, but if my symptoms don’t significantly improve within, say, the next 4 or 5 years (mentally and physically), I am going to kill myself. Done deal. No more bullshit or attention-grabbing or talking it out, I’m just going to hire someone to make sure I am dead once the job is done. That’s that. Hopefully it doesn’t get there but living like this for even the last 6 years (dealing with mental illness) and the 2 years I’ve spent living with chronic physical illness have shown me that my life is not worth living, not in the slightest, under my current circumstances that have only really seemed to get worse as I grew up. That is why I am working just as hard as I can to change them, but if they end up being entirely beyond my control (as they have in the very recent past) I will make sure that I take ultimate control. I am my life’s bitch no more.
I was messing around this week and getting back into it before I got sick over the weekend, I think the flare-up has died down as much as it’s ever going to so here’s the bare-bones plan that probably looks like shit, I really don’t care so long as I’m doing something. I’ll be lucky if I pull anything on my 18th birthday, not getting to 500 in time was my own fault anyway. I smoked and did a bunch of drugs and had a parasite and now I’m 3 years behind schedule because I’m still sick from all of that. No, I don’t bench, I still get shooting pains in my wrist from breaking miniature bones in my hand countless times from punching the wall at least three times a week for a decade (7-17) so press will have to suffice, I think.
Day 1
- SSB Squats - sets of 8 pyramiding
- HLR x 50
- Curls x 100
Day 2
- Press, work to top set and backoff
- Chin-ups x 50
- Bag work
Day 3
- Deadlift - top set of 5
- Trap Bar DL x sets of 10, backoffs
- Curls x 50, heavier
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Good session today. Haven’t been able to say that in a while. Quitting smoking is the shit.
Transformer Bar Squats (SSB)
135 x 8
185 x 8
225 x 8
235 x 8
245 x 8
250 x 10, had more
225 x 8
185 x 8
135 x 8
EZ-Bar Curls
70 lbs. x 50, one set
All up in 35-40 minutes or so, some idiot kept telling me I was going to get a back injury because I was squatting
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Idk bro he might have a point… I bet he has a KILLER leg press😂
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I just ignore them. Entirely. Don’t even look at them when they walk up next to me on rep 48/50 and tell me to control the EZ-bar I’ve been curling for the last 4 minutes. Next time, I’ll just let my ex-smoker’s cough loose and drop the bar on his foot. They can step all the way off
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Training tomorrow because I will finally have a chance to.
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Fucking crush it bro.
You know, I’d give up and spend every waking moment of my free time under the influence of drugs and alcohol but that would make me a pussy
Haven’t forgotten to train. In any case, my house is getting worse and worse. You know what sucks though? Scrapping and hustling for every dollar you get while living with people who could care less if you lived or died, and also living with a mentally ill man who actively tries to kill you two to three times a week. Makes you realize how fickle people really are. Blood means jack shit. Maybe that’s just bad families. In either case, I’m dejected, demotivated, depressed, anxious, under pressure, and ready to kill somebody, but I’m also super on top of my shit and saving money like there’s no tomorrow. I’m killing myself for a check, but if I don’t I’ll die in this house
Also bad is the fact that I’m socially inept and terrible at carrying myself in public because I never had the opportunity to learn social skills. I’m also really clumsy. I got called retarded by three people at my school, one of whom was a middle aged woman, and thinking about it I am obviously retarded in a number of areas. I just think fast. Acknowledging that makes me want to kill myself because I’ve known there was a problem with me that I couldn’t fix for ages. Maybe they’ll come with time, but I think the problem just lies with me as a person. Here I am alone, again, typing on T-Nation and eating cold chicken out of a pot because my brother broke all the plates and bowls in the house and nobody bothered to do anything tonight except my mom, who fed herself
You know what? I don’t think I’m going to bother training tomorrow, maybe I’ll get back to it this weekend, I’m tired and I have a literally never-ending stream of work I need to get done so I have money to move out in May
I’m glad my log has become desolate. Please don’t read anything I write here, it’s just my sounding board. Do other people really not have the thoughts I talk about, or do they just know enough not to bitch about their lives on a public forum? Or, maybe I’m overreacting. Probably overreacting. I really want to kill myself right now even though I can’t and/or won’t. Whatever.
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Life feels like a curse and not a day goes by I don’t think of death and leaving this earth. My promises and goals in life are the things that keep me from offing myself. You definitely aren’t the only one with these thoughts. Keeping it internalized is both a curse and a blessing.
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Head up for your girl dude
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Okay so I’m not any better off for quitting smoking and I decided to cancel my gym membership. I’m done with the weights and this site, I’m just getting skinnier. It’s like being a shell of what you used to be and none of it is under your control, it’s pointless and I give up. I’ve been smoke-free for 42 days now and I still deal with the stomach issues and bullshit I’ve had for years that don’t seem to let up. I’m done prolonging the inevitable and I won’t be back to the gym or anything like that
I’m tired of it and it’s pointless
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I wouldn’t be posting here if I didn’t notice some genuine improvement, and I must report that my stomach is being a lot more cooperative now that I’ve been off the patch for 6 days instead of 1. Still a non-smoker, not going back to that habit. But, I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to go back to the gym soon. I’ve been too hungry and I look too vascular (not smoking does that, I think) to not be training. I think this might be a new leaf, I’ve been intermittently smoking and vaping for years and I reaped the consequences through reduced lung function and an addiction that I’ll now carry through the rest of my life, but maybe this will be a new leaf. Haven’t had seriously bad bowel issues this week, some minor obstacles here and there but nothing I can’t train around or an issue that won’t be fixed the further away I get from cigarettes. Also on my agenda is finding a psychiatrist, I’ve gone through way too many ounces and I need to save money so the switch to a pill-based anti-anxiety medication will be necessary.
I feel like I’ve been having more progress with my depression than my anxiety - I know I’ll be okay because I can scrap and survive and scheme just as well as anybody else, anxiety just makes life hard until I get to a place where I don’t have to continuously look over my shoulder to make sure my shit isn’t missing
Maybe it’s progress. I still have a lot of suicidal thoughts, but I don’t want to act on them. Probably just an ingrained coping mechanism, I always wanted to kill myself when I was younger so I could have control. Now I think about killing myself because I doubt my ability to be okay. Just a head issue
Well, my stomach has been fucked because I ate Skittles three days ago like a fool in an attempt to combat nicotine cravings (I get them, I just don’t act on them). Sugar is no good for me. I knew that, I just thought the rule didn’t apply to me. Lesson learned. But, it was okay enough today for me to train, so I did. I definitely did better than I expected to.
Deadlift
135 x 5
185 x 3
225 x 3
275 x 3
315 x 3
345 x 12 - PR
Just went for this set. It’s a PR. Haven’t seen weights like these since September, I’m excited to see what happens as I continue to be a non-smoker. I look a lot better, I feel a lot better if I’m not an idiot when it’s time to eat, and I now have a respectable level of strength back even on a bad day where I am tired and have no energy like today. I also gained 5 pounds; at 180 lb., I’m more vascular and much more full and healthy-looking. and I’m 50 days quit from smoking. First week off the patch, or maybe two weeks or a week and a half. Idk.
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Ahh, I’ve ran into another problem. Flare-ups are pretty much constant, I also gave up coffee/caffeine. Didn’t really help. Seems like eating and existing just triggers my gut. Also, I can’t have fruits or vegetables because they give me insane amounts of gas and diarrhea. Without them, I’m not really able to empty my gut and I’m still in the bathroom frequently, I just don’t go. Haven’t trained this week, I don’t think I’m going to be able to. I also don’t really believe I’ll get better. All I want is a normal stomach and brain.
My breakfast for the last two days has been eggs and toast I made myself, and my lunch has been two peanut butter sandwiches. Same issues, no junk food, coffee, whatever. Only drinking water. The suicidal thoughts are getting worse because I thought my symptoms would improve, and the doctors already told me they can’t help me. I feel alone.
I decided to go get some help, I got prescribed a general anxiolytic and an anti-spasmodic. I should be a different and healthier-feeling person. I’m also stocked up on Pepto-Bismol and weed, coronavirus hit my neighborhood already. I have my own weights, I never found a seller for them. Thinking of doing Power to the People and freelancing from my room until this thing goes away in a few months.
PTTP is the plan, my medication is also a godsend. I had two functional days. Really functional. Also did my first workout for PTTP today, frequent lifting might be the answer to my issues. Started really, really light to make sure I get a running start this time.
Deadlift - 275, 250 x 5
Press - 85, 75 x 5
All moved well, especially considering the nightly diarrhea I might be facing in exchange for having pain-free days. The good news is the meds work, I’m hungrier, in better spirits now that I’m off the bowl, and I’ve been working really hard to make myself better. I’m consistently getting better at maintaining my relationships and getting better at my jobs, I also feel healthier even though if I leave my house coronavirus is going to take my current well-being and trash it. The anxiety is definitely a huge issue but I did see someone about it so I guess that’s a step in the right direction, I’ve been hesitant to label anything as such lately. Today also marks 2 months of me being a non-smoker, and I think that’s the one thing I can always be proud of about myself.
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Day 2 - Same thing
Deadlift 275, 250 x 5
Press 90, 80 x 5
All moved like they were light. I’m finding that the medicine works but I have to a.) not eat that much and b.) also time when I take it in order for it to be most effective, at least until I get more of the script. Those things are like godsends, but they are short-acting. I have to take them 30-60 minutes before a meal for them to work. I can currently take two pills/day. This means that I have two meal opportunities, each of which will be filling. The current plan is to evacuate, take pill, eat, repeat. I can limit my spasms to 3-4 Bowel Movements per day, and with that in mind I can workout and be somewhat normal again. I have 8-10 hours in the day where I can feel okay, 3-4 where I kind of don’t, and the rest I’m sleeping for. For now, the plan is to maintain my trim figure of 5’9 and 175 pounds until I can figure out how to finally get stronger again. But, for now, I’m pursuing skill-based training, meaning that I’m going to be doing this 5x/week deadlifting/pressing thing for a while (at least until this coronavirus quarantine thing wears off). Hopefully I’ll get stronger by getting better at producing force to do the movement with my existing strength levels, which is the aim of the program, I think. I’m really pretty good at doing reps but I suck at doing heavier weights for sets of 5, so maybe this will be a change. Either way I’m starting light and I intend to follow through with this. I finally have a target to look forward to. Also, these are dead-stop because I want to work on doing that.
5 pound increase in deadlifts and press tomorrow, no caffeine consumed today and I’m surviving okay.