The loneliness may well also be part of growing up. No matter how fucked up, the people around you will still be people around you. When you remove that you’ll be reminded of one of the most unspoken of parts of adulthood: beyond a certain point, you’re all you have.
This isn’t a bad thing. It’s just a truth. It doesn’t stop you forming healthy relationships, or being a decent person, or being happy or content. It’s just one of those things you learn as you go. Don’t look at it as loneliness. It’s the human condition, for want of a better word.
The big difference is that it isn’t being isolated. I suspect (and you’ll have to confirm this) that until recently, your situation made you feel isolated. That’s a bad thing. This right now isn’t it (again, subject to your confirmation).
What you’re realising now is that all this, literally every fucking thing, from now own, at it’s core is going to be down to what you decide to do. Not in a dramatic sense, even. In the everyday sense that builds a life.
Yeah, I try to be in control of what I can nowadays. That includes diet, working out, making money (I just bought a new iPhone with my own money), and keeping myself as physically/mentally healthy as possible.
Yeah, I’m starting to realize that I’m ultimately in control of my own life, even though I lacked control for a long time. But, now that I’m older and I’m grown, I can work to better myself by taking agency of what I do and how I operate.
anti depressants tend to make you numb, they work in the same way that alcohol does in a way, preventing you from feeling the negative emotions. there is a place for that in case it prevents you from suicide. but you don’t want to get stuck in such a limbo. only way is to feel what you have to feel. when the negative feelings come to you again say welcome to them and explore how it actually feels. don’t think, or argue with your emotions just feel. works for me anyway.
Your life has been exceptionally bad by most standards, but that doesn’t mean a thing (except you’re probably tougher than most your age).
You have two options when life kicks you in the junk. You can be a victim or a survivors. Victims blame others and throw a pity party. Survivors find a way to thrive/succeed no matter what.
Survivors tend to be happy folks for most of their life. Victims never change. They seek out the negative things and latch on to them.
I’ve seen a bit of both in you (which is natural), but you’ve definitely demonstrated more survivor qualities. Latch on to that mindset and keep going forward. Always forward.
In regards to your lexapro and mental health, hopefully you can find something that helps you without hurting you. I’ve learned a bit from my wife and some people need a boost to get their brain chemicals back to normal and others need it long term. There’s not much you can do if your body isn’t producing what it needs for balanced mental health.
Mental health is both overused and undervalued. Some people use it as an excuse for being an asshole and others ignore it and try to beat it with stubbornness.
Given the roller coaster we’ve seen you ride, I’d bet that you need a little help to stay or get balanced. I just hope you can find a method that doesn’t kill you with side effects.
I gotta figure long time mental illness sufferers also die early. Could be a chicken and egg sorta thing.
Really dug the blog dude. Writing is an awesome experience. Keep doing it. Crazy to think you were 10 when I started mine. You may have a reader out there one day that is similar.
Glad you liked the blog post! I have more coming along.
Either way, I’m dead. Almost made myself one last trip to the train station after my brother flipped out at 12:30 AM and broke everything in the kitchen (haven’t for a while, he’s done this before), it’s only a matter of time now. We don’t have plates, bowls, cups or silverware. Might as well be in jail. No breaks, life doesn’t get better, the dude is a literal terrorist. And yet, they still won’t put him away. If they don’t do something, I’m going to kill him myself and I told them that.
EDIT: took the trip to my train station around 1 AM with every intention of not coming back (parents knew I went out, didn’t care), and then I realized I wasn’t going to be able to do it tonight. Not that I was scared, I just wasn’t able to do it because no trains happened to be express, I probably just would have been a vegetable if a slow speed train hit me anyway.
Great read dude. Awesome to get more stuff out there on the value of the axle as more than just a grip tool. Definitely needs to be one of those first products purchased. The bit about the value of straining in the high rep deadlift is spot on too. Despite claims that high rep deadlifts are dead, they’re a tragically overlooked and severely underutilized tool.
For sure, the axle is a killer implement. High rep deadlifts never died, they’re just maligned by people unwilling to do hard work. Good thing I’m not one of those people.
@Chris_Colucci is there a reason I’m not allowed to link my blog in my log? Genuinely curious. I’ve seen numerous other people on the forums link their blogs everywhere on here with no issue.
Just an example. @j4gga2 has built up a nice following by exposing his articles to the community, and I’d appreciate it if I was given the chance to do the same.
Linking to blogs, training/nutrition sites, or forums has always been against forum policy. Links that’ve slipped through weren’t deliberate and should’ve been nipped when first posted.
Anyone can post a link to their own sites in the Website or About Me sections of their profile so it appears when anyone looks at their info. That’s as much self-promotion as we generally allow.
Alright, well, I’m getting a trap bar from Titan for $100. Easily a good investment. I already have my home-made axle. Resolution for 2020 - not using the beater barbell I have until I get a few months of solid axle and trap bar work in. Hopefully, this propels me to a 500 pound pull within the next few months. I’m thinking it can, if I play my cards right.
I’m also having frequent panic attacks and intrusive suicidal thoughts. I’m not giving into my head, because I know it’s all in my fucking head.
Oh well. 405 x 15 on the trap bar deadlift will fall tomorrow as I subsist on pure adrenaline, enough caffeine to kill me, and random psychotic fits of rage. I might as well use my sicknesses to my advantage.
I ate four good meals today. I don’t think I’ve done that in close to 8 months. I’m still reeling with anxiety, though. I feel like someone else is out to get me.
Me right now. I’m at 170 pounds, fully fed and hydrated, feeling damned good stomach-wise. I eliminated all junk food, soda, and dairy (even coffee creamer) from my diet a while ago. Looking forward to smashing some PRs tomorrow at a lighter body weight. I guess this is how much muscle I’m carrying right now, as opposed to being 185-190 pounds and chubby.
Deadlift and Press-Oriented Programming for the New Year:
Day 1
SSB Squat - Zeno Protocol for Masochists Who Thoroughly Enjoy Pain
Box Jumps 3 x 5 @ 42"
Bag Work, because now I’m not smoking and can work on my conditioning
Day 2
Axle Press - 3 sets of AMRAP to 10
Poundstone Curls x 50
45-pound plate weighted pushups, 3 x AMRAP
Day 3
Axle Deadlift (6 week ROM Progression)
High Handle Trap Bar Deadlift AMRAP set
5 x 10 Axle Rows
And done. Getting back to the basics and getting stronger with a focus on making sure I eat food and stay hydrated.
Yeah, once I hit a given weight for a given number of reps, I’ll move up in weight. It’s gonna be variable depending on how I feel. I’m just trying to keep it basic so I actually follow it.
I think I get why you have elected to go down this path in terms of progression. For me though having a pre-written plan with week to week progression and deload built in, takes away the variability and simplifies the training. Basically I have numbers to hit and I just hit them each week. You have to do what works for you but consider in the future having something a little more planned which may help develop routine and consistency. Just my 2c. Either way I like what your doing and I’ll be watching your numbers go up.
