Basically as the title says…
After you moved out, did your familial relationships improve due to not spending time with your family? Currently cannot wait for July 1.
Yes, 150%
I moved out of home about 2 years ago (I’m 23)
Up until that point, there was huge tension between my mum trying to “hold on” to me as her child, and me trying to find my own identity as an adult
Once I moved out, I found that:
- My mum could let go a tad, and understand she wasn’t “losing” me
- I had the freedom to spend time with my parents in my own terms
- I was able to create and occupy an environment that was my own
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After becoming a parent, I legit cold called my mom and dad out of the blue one day, apologized for being a rotten kid, and thanked them for being awesome parents.
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Bro, that’s it. You nailed it. Still curious to hear others’ experiences, but definitely good to hear I’m not alone with this.
Not at all. My mom remained just as overbearing, and both my parents don’t make any time to visit me.
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I should add that a lot of that tension could be boiled down to my mum being afraid she’d no longer be a part of my life
The whole reason we have a very healthy relationship now is that I still make an effort to spend time with my parents.
When I first moved out I basically ignored my family. That wasn’t good for our relationship either
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Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.
That being said, I’m in like my 4th year of therapy approaching 52 years old after a horrific upbringing.
Some of those types of hurt sting for a long time. Most of the emotional turmoil I experience now has gone from pain and anger to sadness and pity, which is an improvement.
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My parents were great, and I wouldn’t call sentiment back then resentment but there was definitely angst to move on and become an adult, which is healthy.
Doing so ushered in the next chapter and yes, the frustration of needing to spread wings dissipated.
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I have a slightly different story, but I hope it’s helpful in this.
They say that most kids who grow up moving quite frequently feel most at home in transit. Makes sense. I know I do. My family still moves around a lot. On multiple continents. My parents (I just tallied that I have 7 parents) still move around frequently and often asked for money.
I’d give them it, because I felt a sense of obligation and responsibility. But all the promises of repayment never came through. It created a lot of frustration between us.
So for my separation to be complete, it wasn’t a traditional “moving out:” but severing financial obligations - in both directions.
That helped more than ending physical proximity, so consider that if you’re feeling frustrated.
It’s great to spend time as a family together now, I hope you will be able to enjoy that as well.
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I became fully independent at age 20, at which point my parents could no longer irritate me with their good life advice. Their failure to validate my poor choices was a major source of tension when I was a teenager.
The relationship improved almost immediately and continued to improve as I matured.
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Moved out at 18. My parents split when I was 12. I’ve always loved them both and never resented them. I just value my independence and left home as soon as I could.
My father died at the age of 53 in a work accident and though we had a good relationship, I still regret not making more time in my 20’s to spend with him. Losing a parent changes your perspective a lot. Likewise, becoming a parent does too. You really start to understand what they were doing and it frames past life experiences in a different lens.
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Me? Relationship with my parents is 10x better.
My sister however always resented my parents and since moving out it’s just gotten worse for whatever reason. Of course they weren’t perfect… overprotectiveness, perhaps sometimes a little controlling etc but nobodies perfect. Sister moved out, got a boyfriend, recently had a baby and completely refuses to associate with any of us at all. Even with our Dads health declining rapidly through dementia and parkinsons. It’s more nuanced than that and I’m sure she has some traumas just like everyone else, but from the outside looking in she’s gone way too far down a “everyones a narcisssist, avoid negativity” rabbithole whilst playing the victim.
It’s destroying my Mums well-being. She lives for us kids and all she’s ever wanted is the best for us. Even if you ignore the fact her daughter won’t speak to her, to not be able to see her grandchild is just heartbreaking.
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I believe that kids who resent their parents, resent them because they have nothing to hate them for. They are rebelling about having nothing to rebel against. Resentment is one of those emotions that’s closer to envy than hate. It’s like the person you lend money to who ends up resentful that you did him a favor. If you had said no, you at least would have given him the option to hate you and feel like the better person. Unfortunately, I know kids who are living in extremely screwed up homes; they would love to have the privilege of feeling resentment towards their parents.
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Resentments take time. They need to fester for a while to become necrotic to ones soul.
Unfortunately most people learn to identify with the ones who mistreated them and become the next generation of abuser.
Granted, thats for real damage, not verging on adulthood angst.
As with most things in like, its probably going to depend.
Its going to depend on how much freedom you end up having and what you end up doing with it.
How much do you keep in contact with them? How much do they try to keep in contact with you? Are you going to be solely responsible for paying your own way or are you parents footing the bill in some capacity… If they are expect that money wont be the only thing finding its way to you. Some parents can do it “no strings attached” but many want you to do certain things and certain ways to keep the money coming.
Are you a angsty teen who just wants his own space or are your parents genuinely super overbearing and trying to control too many aspects of your life?
Are you going to share the things you do on your own and are they going to disapprove of those things verbally and make you ashamed? Moving out wont solve that at all.
If you just feel like your parents are around too much, that you dont have your own autonomy and space, and want to be able to make your own decisions - good, bad, or indifferent - than moving out will probably “fix” some of that and maybe give you perspective on what their behavior has been rooted in.
What you see a lot of today is not parents trying to control their children but rather, trying to control the world, including the people, their kids live in.
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That’s an interesting point and something my wife and I certainly do. It’s a little different with a 5 year old than an adult for all intents and purposes but a balance to strike for sure.
We are careful about who our daughter interacts with and in what way, even at this age you can see “bad seeds” or rather kids in homes that likely have sad stories. Nothing against the children themselves, but not the who we want participating in early perceptions of the world in our daughter as she shapes views.
On the other hand, as an example, when she comes home from daycare mentioning a kid or two is mean to her, we embrace the opportunity to teach her emotional management, reassure her confidence and give her tools to manage or change the situation. It seems to be working out for her, and she’s becoming more assertive with “mean” kids in general out at parks or kid friendly restaraunts with playgrounds. She certainly isn’t as hurt by it when someone acts like a bully and just discards the person and finds someone else to play with instead of taking it personally. And it couldn’t happen if we pulled her from school or intervened on her behalf.
I hate to say it, but I also appreciate a bruise that looked legitimately painful to earn recently. We repeatedly tell her not to play (stand, jump et cetera) on a couch near a brick fireplace. She only does it now when she thinks we aren’t looking. We’ve explained why, the consequence of landing on brick, but she had to feel it to really know, and she did with her ribs right on the edge. Fortunately nothing broke but her first words when she stopped crying were “now I see why you and mommy say to be careful” and that bruise taught her more than listening at surface value ever would.
I know these lessons will get harder and cut deeper as she grows and expands, but hopefully guidance will take the place of rules and boundaries, and her trust in us will grow along the way as we find our balance in to adulthood.
So anyways, for the OP, I don’t know your situation at home but if it’s just a matter of feeling like they’re overbearing or controlling know it’s probably out of love and they’re learning as they go just like you, but protection is a first instinct and always will be even if the better lessons are to let you bump your head. Be patient with them and try to demonstrate your current state like an adult. Shouting, attitudes and whatever else won’t instill confidence of maturity but demonstrating you can handle elements of life they’re nervous about will.
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