Truthfully, there are WAY too many issues going on here for any of us to give any type of constructive answer. I may be way off base, because I wasn’t there, but there are a few things you need to think about:
We are only getting your side and only part of it at that. None of us know the specifics of the argument other than your wife calling your brother an asshole and quite frankly, when you are in someone else’s house the best thing to do is to just shut up and suck it up. regardless of what the initial cause was, would you want someone to come into your house and call YOU or your wife an “asshole”?
In my opinion, way too many kids are diagnosed as having ADHD and we are an overmedicated society, so beyond what the physicians said, you need to educate, yourself. Doctors DO benefit from prescribing certain meds.
In my opinion, way too many parents ARE soft on parenting and instead of looking at things objectively, they want to put the blame on something else, other than what they might be doing wrong.
If you value the relationship with your brother and your family, sometimes you have to suck it up and eat humble pie. It sounds like you two are in a pissing contest and what you are really upset about is that the family has sided with him against you in this situation. Were any of them there? I see where you said you defended your wife to your family and your brother. Maybe THAT’S why they are being standoffish. Your family saw what really happened as opposed to what you, in your mind, remember. I’m quite sure if he was the one being isolated, you wouldn’t be as concerned and I am not sure if you would be making efforts to make amends if he were in your shoes.
Let’s be honest. As a man and the supposed head of your household, it is YOUR responsibility to “keep your wife in check” and to also make amends, not her. I wasn’t there, but I am quite sure what really happened was you sat there while you let your wife rip into him. That’s on you, period. Some of you may call me a Neanderthal or chauvinist, but if my SO is starting to get a bit out of line all I have to do is tell her and she slows it down. Right or wrong, I can literally tell her, “Be quiet, please” and she’ll stop talking dead in her tracks.
Of course you should try to reconcile with him. If you don’t, aren’t you really choosing being right in your mind as opposed to a functional family relationship? Ideally, you all get along and cousins enjoy each other, brothers enjoy each other, etc… If that is the goal, you should try really hard to make that happen. If you declare that as your intention and push to the point that he chooses to keep you out, then that is on him but should put forth enough effort so that the entire family sees this.
[quote]lewhitehurst wrote:
Truthfully, there are WAY too many issues going on here for any of us to give any type of constructive answer. I may be way off base, because I wasn’t there, but there are a few things you need to think about:
We are only getting your side and only part of it at that. None of us know the specifics of the argument other than your wife calling your brother an asshole and quite frankly, when you are in someone else’s house the best thing to do is to just shut up and suck it up. regardless of what the initial cause was, would you want someone to come into your house and call YOU or your wife an “asshole”?
In my opinion, way too many kids are diagnosed as having ADHD and we are an overmedicated society, so beyond what the physicians said, you need to educate, yourself. Doctors DO benefit from prescribing certain meds.
In my opinion, way too many parents ARE soft on parenting and instead of looking at things objectively, they want to put the blame on something else, other than what they might be doing wrong.
If you value the relationship with your brother and your family, sometimes you have to suck it up and eat humble pie. It sounds like you two are in a pissing contest and what you are really upset about is that the family has sided with him against you in this situation. Were any of them there? I see where you said you defended your wife to your family and your brother. Maybe THAT’S why they are being standoffish. Your family saw what really happened as opposed to what you, in your mind, remember. I’m quite sure if he was the one being isolated, you wouldn’t be as concerned and I am not sure if you would be making efforts to make amends if he were in your shoes.
Let’s be honest. As a man and the supposed head of your household, it is YOUR responsibility to “keep your wife in check” and to also make amends, not her. I wasn’t there, but I am quite sure what really happened was you sat there while you let your wife rip into him. That’s on you, period. Some of you may call me a Neanderthal or chauvinist, but if my SO is starting to get a bit out of line all I have to do is tell her and she slows it down. Right or wrong, I can literally tell her, “Be quiet, please” and she’ll stop talking dead in her tracks. [/quote]
Also…my wife would have to be part of the family for a LOOOOONG time to call one of them an asshole to his face IN HIS OWN HOUSE unless the “asshole” in question was threatening someone’s life.
The host should not have attacked the kids or the parents ability to raise them. That is being a bad host.
The guest should watch their tongues in the hosts house.
However, when someone attacks your kids or ability to raise them then throw the rules out the windows because they do not matter to the parents of the kids.
My inlaws were not thrilled with my parenting at first (over time they now see that it works) and I have always tried to be good guest under their roof. But when they were visiting and said something in my house about my kid I politely and directly put an end to that discussion and the topic in general. They bore no grudge, at least what we know of. I think they preferred I sticker up for my family than cower down to them.
Your brother and wife are both in the wrong. I think your brother holds more responsibility of what happened afterwards, your wife apologized and he poisoned the family well. You can try to reconcile but I would not wait on him. Sometimes.we.cannot explain or undo what has happened, or even how people think it happened.
My inlaws were not thrilled with my parenting at first (over time they now see that it works) and I have always tried to be good guest under their roof. But when they were visiting and said something in my house about my kid I politely and directly put an end to that discussion and the topic in general. They bore no grudge, at least what we know of. I think they preferred I sticker up for my family than cower down to them.
[/quote]
Dude, that was YOUR house though. Question…you’ve been married for a while…could your wife get away with calling someone in your family an asshole while in their house with it going over as if YOU had done it?
My wife never called ANYONE I know an asshole. But if she ever did call someone in my family an asshole, it’s because they were being one, and needed to hear it.
My opinion on ADHD is this; you would have to believe there is an EPIDEMIC of ADHD going on given the stats of kids on these drugs. How many here truly think there is suddenly just a whole country filled with kids who can’t pay attention and the reason is NOT related to how that kid was raised?
[quote]Iron Dwarf wrote:
My wife never called ANYONE I know an asshole. But if she ever did call someone in my family an asshole, it’s because they were being one, and needed to hear it. [/quote]
This my answer to your question X.
The rest is she knows to watch herself and raises issues for me to address rather than her doing it. But then again, even my dad has been know to come to me to raise issues with something my mom might be saying or doing. For some reason I have particular standing in the house. I think it is because I try to stay emotionally detached from the issue and understanding of their feelings at the same time.
[quote]Iron Dwarf wrote:
My wife never called ANYONE I know an asshole. But if she ever did call someone in my family an asshole, it’s because they were being one, and needed to hear it. [/quote]
This my answer to your question X.
The rest is she knows to watch herself and raises issues for me to address rather than her doing it. But then again, even my dad has been know to come to me to raise issues with something my mom might be saying or doing. For some reason I have particular standing in the house. I think it is because I try to stay emotionally detached from the issue and understanding of their feelings at the same time.[/quote]
But all of that makes sense…especially the part about both of you admitting SHE HASN’T DONE THAT and she has enough tact to tell you about an issue so you can raise it.
[quote]In 1998â??2000, non-Hispanic white children had higher ADHD prevalence compared with all other race groups, and Mexican children had the lowest prevalence.
In 2007â??2009, ADHD prevalence was similar among non-Hispanic white, non-Hispanic black, and Puerto Rican children. ADHD was lower among Mexican children compared with children in the three other racial and ethnic groups.[/quote]
It looks like we are all catching it from “non-hispanic whites”.
[quote]Derek542 wrote:
^ I will say X that I agree to a point. But as clinicians we have to also be careful and not discount true disorders cause of growing miss management.
You do your due diligence and work through your differentials, and then you treat for effect.
I was 100% on the ADHD is an excuse, until 15 years ago when I married my current wife. Our middle kid has it, no ifs ands or buts.
If you take an amphetamine you are not supposed to get sleepy, just saying. [/quote]
Oh, I’ve definitely treated some kids who are out of control…but what I am saying is MOST don’t seem to be that way. MOST seem to be coming from these households where the parents think anything more than a soft gentle tone is “abuse” and who never do more in public than tell their kid to kindly stop stabbing the waiter with the steak knife before he bleeds to death…30 times.
[quote]Derek542 wrote:
^ I will say X that I agree to a point. But as clinicians we have to also be careful and not discount true disorders cause of growing miss management.
You do your due diligence and work through your differentials, and then you treat for effect.
I was 100% on the ADHD is an excuse, until 15 years ago when I married my current wife. Our middle kid has it, no ifs ands or buts.
If you take an amphetamine you are not supposed to get sleepy, just saying. [/quote]
Oh, I’ve definitely treated some kids who are out of control…but what I am saying is MOST don’t seem to be that way. MOST seem to be coming from these households where the parents thinks anything more than a soft gentle tone is “abuse” and who never does more in public than tell their kid to kindly stop stabbing the waiter with the steak knife before he bleeds to death…30 times.[/quote]
Do not disagree again, plus we both know we have others in the medical community that will “take the easy” road due to time constraints. Treating ADHD is a long process, takes a lot of time to do properly. Most Drs would rather just give the meds and get out in there allotted 5 minutes. Sad but true.
I think with the OP though he has stated he has taken his kids to multiple Drs and he may be getting push back from his family that has the same anti-ADHD mentality.
I mean there are people who truly believe that there is no such thing as depression and you can will yourself out of it.
