I’m really not sure why what she’s looking for is unrealistic, assuming she’s attractive enough. I think some girls have expectations above what their actual social value, but since I haven’t seen a decent picture of her, hard for me to say. But the things she’s described here are essentially how quite a few people I’m friends with live. Most are poly, so there’s that. A different set of values from the traditional. Some are interested in marriage, some are not. But most if not all are open to cohabitation.
I don’t think she’s being unrealistic, either, but I think it could be off-putting on a first or second date to hear how fundamentally disinterested she is in anyone else’s version of a good relationship. “I’m not sure, I guess I want to see where it goes” would probably go down easier than:
Maybe the guy is right that she might eventually consider marriage with the right person, but equally as possible is that if things were going really well he’d be cool with her preferences. “Lemme list the things that will always be more important to me than you” seems pretty dampening to me. Don’t we usually try to build up to our essential self-centeredness?
Also, and more importantly, her ideal relationship seems like it would be a lot of men’s fantasy relationship. How many guys has she dropped like a hot potato because they were trying to present themselves well, which to them would mean indicating a willingness for commitment and/or marriage, which is generally thought to be the feminine end game?
So I question whether they’re actually opposed to her agenda, or whether they feel like they’ve run into a cement wall during what they expect to be the friendly chit-chat phase of things.
On another note, why am I so fucking long-winded all the time?
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Because you drop a lot of wisdom, and that shit ain’t cheap with respect to words.
Emily the point was that this man wasn’t respecting my values and boundaries. It’s the same as if I kept telling a man on a first date that never wants children that with the right person he will. It’s ridiculous. I didn’t bring up the conversation. He pulled the “I’m not looking for anything serious right now.” I responded flirting “I’m not looking to marry you 
” and the fight was on. 
Red flags are red for a reason. They mean stop. Not let’s see what happens.
I’ll agree that it’s not unrealistic when you consider the dating pool in a large metro area or even a moderately large one, but if I remember what I scanned through the other day, it sounds like she’s in the sticks.
How many attractive gym lifestyle/bodybuilding men without insecurities who won’t mention marriage but do want to date and maybe live together after 5-10 years of dating and make comparable money are in the market for a 39 year-old woman with a daughter who takes priority and also a hobby that’s going to take priority over the relationship?
That’s tough to answer without doing some really unusual surveys in the area. Maybe a lot of guys fit that bill and are attracted to her. In my mid-sized town her pickings would be very slim, but most of the single, straight meatheads I know in their 30’s/40’s are either lower income, dumb as rocks or seriously fucked in the head.
Maybe it’s the economy and the water supply where I live and she’ll have better luck wherever she’s at.
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for sure. tone and approach are important, no question. when a woman overshares about how independent she is, or her expectations upon first meeting, that’s a turn off for me. I just want to enjoy a first date and see how chemistry feels. That’s not a good way to do it. Bringing negativity in general to a first date is problematic.
To her point, I’ve heard of men doing the shit she described, wanting to talk about marriage right off the bat. That’s nuts to me, and obviously doesn’t work for her.
But, I think our blonde friend should open herself up to more dates and meetings, rather than being SO quick to judge based on almost no information. Being picky is great, but I feel like it’s a problem when you’re picky with such limited info. I like to go on a lot of first dates, and very few second dates.
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I’m big on “you may be right, we’ll see!” for stuff like that. I think boundaries are important, and if you had a less complex set of criteria for a prospective relationship, I might be like yeah, fuck 'em, but just looking for fitness alone knocks out a good number of the men your age, unfortunately, and much rarer are men who are serious about weightlifting, or any sport that requires dedication. That being the case I’d be inclined to do a wait-and-see. Maybe he’s just digging in because he’s nervous, or maybe he misunderstands your rationale, who knows.
And then, does it matter that much whether you agree on all of this when you’re really looking for a steady casual relationship?
Haha! No, I wouldn’t go into a first date with a list. You are getting a snap shot if inside my head. In person I take almost nothing seriously. Im not bitchy. I don’t need to prove that I’m independent. I’m fun, silly and goofy. I can laugh at most anything.
And you are right I probably should accept more dates. So I don’t do stupid shit. I made the mistake of hooking up with my ex this week. Mostly because I wanted to sleep with him. Now I have to deal with the aftermath of that. I dont hold a candle in independence to this guy.
I don’t know that she listed any of those as showstoppers?
Well if she’s a behavioral psychologist I’m guessing a dude in his 40’s pulling in $18 an hour and dishing out child support wouldn’t be “comparable income” to her, which she listed as desirable. I think she said something about intelligence as well, and I’ll go out on a limb and guess that felons on parole are being filtered out too.
And to be clear, I’m thinking of like 6 dudes I know who pass the basic test of fitness/bodybuilding enthusiasts, single and in her age bracket (+/- 10 years). I’m sure there’s more in my town, probably at least another 6 or 7 I don’t know of. Maybe even two dozen.
They’re out there. Just gotta find 'em I guess.
You want a late 30s/early 40s guy that’s fit and muscular, financially stable, socially confident, single (I guess you weren’t explicit about this), doesn’t want to get married, and doesn’t want [more] kids, but wants to have a relationship.
I don’t know how many of these exist, but I suspect that it’s significantly less than the number of women looking for them.
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It’s mostly about lifestyle. It would be very difficult to be with someone struggling financially all the time. I lost everything in 2008. While struggling I put myself through school. Three years later built two businesses. Two years ago I moved across the country and started my life over. If you are ambitious the opportunity is out there.
If they are in between jobs but have the ability to earn a good income that’s ok. But if they are ok with struggling and are not taking steps to be successful then we won’t be a match. And they won’t understand a partner who owns two businesses. Works 12-14 hours a day and has to make time for the gym and be a good parent.
Married men looking for affairs would be easier to find. They are everywhere! But no. I don’t have any interest in married men.
That’s so beautiful! sniff
I think if you can accept a dude who isn’t muscular but still eats healthy and exercises regularly your pool will become dramatically larger than the “bodybuilder” pool in our age bracket. You’d get access to Yoga weirdos, martial arts weirdos, cyclists and all sorts of other people with niche fitness interests and probably less emotional baggage than your typical single bodybuilder in this 40’s.
I’m afraid this might be the truth. 
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A customer from my old business is exactly what the doctor ordered. He’s 42yo, 6’2", lean, has a 600lb deadlift, makes six figures with overtime… and is absolutely done with traditional relationships. Lives in western PA though.
Some of the stories he tells I can’t blame him. One girl poisoned his protein shakes so he’d stop going to the gym. He was really bad about picking women apparantly.
I’d rather be a dick than a pussy.
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I would like you to breathe deeply into that feeling.
Try to imagine life being rather than doing. As Jon Kabat Zinn says, just be.
Just be a dick. Breathe deeply into being a dick.
Repeat the mantra, I am a dick, I am a dick, I am a dick, I am a dick.
When thoughts come up, like I am a pussy, just acknowledge them, like a cloud floating by, and repeat the mantra, I am a dick, I am a dick, I am a dick.
After five minutes, sit in the sound current, you are a dick, you are a dick, you are a dick, and enjoy the karma.
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Thank you! I know what I’m looking for is out there.
I believe in the next 5-10 years the norm of relationships will change drastically. The number of non traditional relationships I see is incredible. And they seem to be working better then traditional marriage. Relationships are better with out cultural rules. Just do what makes you happy. It’s not that complicated.