Best Of Craigslist

Off Topic
1

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/

If you have a few minutes to kill I cannot imagine a better site.

Some of this stuff is simply unbelievable.

I want to fuck a skanky Republican chick - m4w
Date: 2007-12-15, 9:31PM PST

I want to fuck a peroxide-blonde richbitch daddy’s girl. I want to fuck a hotter, younger, stupider (if possible) version of Ann Coulter. You preferably grew up on Mercer Island and had your 16th birthday shown on “My Super Sweet 16.” It’s okay if you’re only a republican because your parents are and you don’t even know how many houses Congress has. At the very least I want to fuck a girl who wears a cross and thinks the Iraq War is a great idea.

I’m am a skinny-jean wearing hipster who goes to Evergreen, supports Dennis Kucinich and only listens to mix tapes of obscure 70’s pop.
I am sick of cool, interesting girls who are more likely to make out with other girls than me.

I want the most bland, insipid cockgobbler on this side of the Cascades. I’ve always wanted to blow my load in your lip-glossed, bubble-gum chewing mouth, but class, social groups and a sense of morality have prevented me.

Your pictures get my smarmy pretension.

To All Of The Cute Girls Who End Up Fucking My Roommates - m4w
Date: 2007-11-29, 10:54PM CST

You know me as the quiet roommate. As my two roommates prance around, swearing loudly and generally making asses of themselves, I sit in the armchair reading my copy of Slaughterhouse 5.

As they pour you a screwdriver, I’ll wonder meekly if anyone would partake in merely a cup of orange juice. Yes, the ice cube is still an option.

When one of them finds a terribly unsubtle reason to show off his tattoos, and the other a chance to flex his pop-culture muscles, toned from living in all ten years of the nineties (LIVING! IMAGINE THAT!), I’ll briefly make eye contact with you and wonder what would happen if we were to meet under any other circumstances. At the Art Institute, that custom Cupcakes place on Wellington, the cinema or maybe the street (imagine that!).

Then I remember, you always end up fucking my roommate, who’ll never talk to you again. As a result, the next time you see me on the street, you’ll glare at me, and a little more of my self-esteem with get whittled away. Too bad my roommates don’t suffer vicariously through me.

So, please. Stop fucking my roommates. For the love of God- don’t get drunk with them, don’t let them show you their tattoos, don’t sit next to them on the couch and shrug when they begin to drape their arm around you, don’t let them finger you, or go anywhere near your holiest of holies. Show some goddamn restraint instead of becoming yet another notch on their beds. The casualty list this month is nine or ten, I don’t really remember.

Stop fucking my roommates.

Stop fucking my roommates.

Stop fucking my roommates (imagine it!).

If you write that down, you’ll remember it better. Do not fuck them, do not pass Go. Go straight to low self esteem, yours and mine.

Stop fucking my roommates.

Thank you.

To the Woman who maced me - m4w
Date: 2007-11-10, 8:43PM CST

I saw you jogging around the lake and followed you to Dunn brothers. I was trying to work up my courage to get out of my van and go into Dunn brothers but you were only inside for 30 minutes. As you left the coffee shop I followed you slowly as you walked up the block. I think you got nervous when I hit the garbage cans that some jerk left on the boulevard! I guess I did hop the curb, but still, they were pretty close to the street. Anyways, I watched you start to run and I wanted to explain what happened, you started screaming for help as I tackled you, whats with the screaming anyways? And why do women always scream when I try to talk at them? Anyways, thats when I got a face full of mace…that was three days ago, and I was just released from the jail. I was hoping you could meet me and possibly drop the charges.

To the Drunk Hottie who fell off my motorcycle
Date: 2007-11-07, 5:23AM PST

I met you at the bar last night, and we hit it off. Ya we were both a little buzzed, but you seemed as into me as I was into you. Things got to things, we made out a bit, and you ended up going home with me on the back of my motorcycle, which was awesome because that doesn’t usually happen to me. I luckily had the extra helmet with me and let you wear my bike jacket while suffering the cold on the way home. I was feeling pretty happy and lucky to say the least.

This is where things got crazy.

I don’t know if you slipped, or thought I was taking you home to kill you, or if your’re just plain crazy and had a change of heart, but all of a sudden you let go of me MID-TURN and went flying into the bushes at about 10-15mph near the park by my house. I was so freaked out!!! when I looked back to see you fumbling in the bushes I could only PRAY TO GOD that you didn’t hit the asphalt or something worse.

I really thought you must have been hurt at least a bit, but as I turned around to come check on you, you took off into the unlit park running full speed with my helmet and jacket still on! I parked my bike and looked for you for over 2 hours calling your name until I was so cold I had to go home or risk freezing to death.

WTF

Im sorry for what happened and I really hope your’re ok, really I do, but seriously WTF. Running into a forested park in the middle of the night like that…I really can’t begin to guess what you were thinking, and you weren’t that drunk, but i suppose my “crazy-bitch o’ meter” wasn’t working at the bar that night, and from the speed you took off I can only surmise that your’re not that hurt. I would like my expensive bike gear back though, I hope it kept you warm during your psychotic episode, but it IS mine and I kinda need it to get around in the winter. If you could return it to the bar for me, check in with your shrink, and promise to never come near me again that would be great, cause you scared the #*$% outta me and are costing me alot of money.

Sincerely,
Very cold/poor motorcycle rider who will never let women near his bike again.

2

Haha, that last story is great!

3

To The Stoner Who Works At Cottage Inn Pizza
Date: 2007-09-18, 11:30AM EDT

You: the guy who answers the phone at cottage inn pizza
Me: Hungry and stoned out of my gourd

I called you from my cell phone but had completely forgot who I was calling by the time you answered the phone. Of course, you were also baked to bajeezus and forgot to tell me that I had called Cottage Inn.

When you answered and said, �??Whatsup?�?? I thought about it, and after a 20 second pause I told you that was hungry. You suggested I try a pizza, and I agreed that it was probably a good idea.

Then I asked you if you sold pizza and you said that you could make me one. I said I wanted anchovies and something else on my pizza. You asked me what that something else was.

We spent five minutes listing toppings until we figured out that I was trying to remember how to say: �??Sun dried Tomatoes.�?? When you said: �??We’ll bake that right up for you,�?? we both started laughing uncontrollably.

It was the best pizza I ever had; I just wanted to thank you for helping me out.

4

[i]
Date: 2007-08-20, 10:44PM PDT

BUY MY STUPID COUSIN’S AWESOME KAYAK
My cousin is a grown up child man with all the best toys and here’s your chance to own one of them!
Whilst between jobs - though both the one before and the one to come were both long out of sight - he needed a place to stay so he lived with me for a while. He paid rent for a while too, though one while was a lot shorter than the other while. He moved out to live with some buddies and left a bunch of his junk here. Sometimes he comes back to pick something up but somehow it always seems to coincide with needing to borrow money, though he doesn’t seem to need to borrow it to pay me any rent.
One of the things he left - one of the largest things he left - is a kayak. A red kayak. It looks an awful lot like this, except it’s red:

I asked him to tell me about it and this is what he typed:
KAYAK FOR SALE
PRIJON LUV 8’
Good Condition
River running playboat
excellent for surfing ocean waves
$300.00
Frankly, I was underwhelmed by his effort, but somehow, not terribly surprised. On top of that, the name sounds dangerously close to “prison love” but that’s not really a selling point, so forget I said that.
I did my own research, being a citizen of the Information Age, and discovered that according to the World Wide Web, the specs are as follows:
length width vol. weight cockpit capacity material 1st yr last yr:
8 ft 1 25.50 in 52.00 gal 33.00 lbs 34.00 by 18.00 90 to 200 lbs HTP n/a n/a
The most important part is this though:

Main use: playboat
Dude, how could you not buy your own watercraft whose main use is “playboat”? I don’t have any idea what that means, but just reading it feels kinda bitchin! In point of fact, here’s what the manufacturer would have you believe:
This Liquid-Utility-Vehicle is the ultimate in whitewater performance, maximum comfort and rad lines. This lightweight play hound has great stability on the flats and awesome control in the vertical world. Custom tailored features like the chine groove, planning hull width and bow & stern keels for play hogs like you. Engage the low volume ends for hesitation-free wheels and spark up the flat bottom for spin-mania. Bow and stern keel lines provide great tracking when moving from one play spot to the next. Superior comfort and an ergonomic fit for medium to large sized paddlers with large. It comes with super groovy, custom foam outfitting. Of course the LUV is made with HTP, which spins faster, rock wheels without grindage and reacts at your command. Stiff, durable, it rules.
Awesome control in the vertical world? Spin-mania? Rock wheels without grindage?? How can you pass this up???
I don’t actually know if this one comes with the hesitation-free wheels because I don’t see any wheels. Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a kayak with wheels, but if you get the right wheels for it, they will apparently be hesitation-free and how hard would that rock, dude?
I’m a little frightened to know what the “large sized paddlers with large” are going to do with this boat, so I’m not gonna ask. What happens in the Prijon stays in the Prijon, as far as I’m concerned.
Any which way, shoot the rapids, sit in it in the middle of your living room floor, or just drive around with it on the roof of your Volkswagen to make people think you’re cool but get on over here and buy this dumb thing for three hundred bucks. It’s totally awesome!

5

This one you have to go see yourself:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ksc/395322346.html

6

pregnant doctor lady who looked at my blister
Date: 2007-08-03, 6:01PM EDT
[i]

You were doctor who looked at the blister on my foot. You’re pregnant with another man’s baby. I would raise it as my own. I love you. My girlfriend will not be happy about this but she is out of town.

7

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/291079504.html

8

RANT: Middle-Aged Women complaining about sex!

Date: 2007-02-14, 11:44AM CST

[i]
I am sooooo f’ing tired about middle-aged women who complain about sex! First off, as a guy, we have so much pressure on us to perform it’s unreal! Can I get a “hard on”? How long can I last? Can I make her orgasm SEVERAL times? Can I stay awake afterwards!!! WTF!!! Do you women realize the enormous amount of work needed to have sex at 40!!!

Let’s go back to our teenage years WHEN I COULDN"T KEEP MY HANDS OFF OF YOU!!! Recall when I wanted to have sex in the stairway, at the bus stop, during gym under the bleachers, after school before my parents got home, in the parked car, and even climb through your window at night while your parents were asleep!!! AND THAT WAS ALL IN ONE DAY!!! Hell, I could last for hours, shoot my load, and be ready to go again in 15 minutes!!! But what did I hear from you, a young, demure, selfish, cock tease!!! “No…wait till tomorrow.”, “Let’s just cuddle.”, “The cat is watching.”, and the classic “Is that all you think i’m good for?”!!!

Well ladies, the shoe is on the other foot and guess what? I’m tired!!! I’m tired from sheer exhaustion of chasing your cock teasing ass for the last 25 years!!! Constantly, going home with “blue balls” and “whacking off” because you want me to “respect you in the morning”!!! Well guess what years of cock abuse has done to my sex drive!!!

Yes ladies, it’s your fault I have no interest in sex! Not getting any and whacking off to porn for 25 years has desensitized my nerve endings to the point that I feel nothing from my navel to my knees!!! Fantasizing about every possible way of f’ing your brains out has distorted reality for me!!! You, walking in with nothing on under a fur coat pales in comparison to me fantasizing about you rimming my ass while I fuck your sister in front of 18,000 adoring fans at the United Center!!!

It’s your fault for teasing away the most potent years of my life. You should have taken advantage of my erections from your cat jumping on my crotch when you had the chance, but nooooooo!!! You wanted to babysit your neice and “pretend” we were a family!!!

Now, in the height of your sex drive, you want muah to pin your legs behind your ears after a long day at work, and give it to you for more than 10 minutes a month!!! PUH-LEASE!!! Nope! You see…now you will suffer the same inglorious defeat I experienced many moons ago. So…go to ‘The Exotic Emporium’, get yourself a multi-speed, gyrating, flesh feeling, thingamabob, a handful of Peter North dvds, and come up with creative ways to sneak aroud the house and have yourself a little “Par-tay”!!! Otherwise, be prepared to wine me, dine me, take me golfing, and stroke my little ego until I’M IN THE MOOD!!!

And…don’t give me that crap about going out and getting some “young, dumb, and full of cum” kid. I’ll divorce your ass so fast your fallopians will get twisted!!! AND afterward, I will get the chance to re-live those glory years with some young, nubile, tight bodied, coed looking for a sugar daddy! (Even if it is once a month!) Better than thinking of her while trying to have sex with your old, sagging, “has-been” ass!!!

So, the next time you think about making some smart ass remark like, “Mr. 5 minute man.”, or “I didn’t even get started.” just remember that 25 years of neglect is the reason why Mr. Willie doesn’t get excited to see you anymore!!!

9

I’m so happy I found this one on the first search. These are just great.

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I�??m tired of beating around the bush. I�??m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I�??m articulate and classy.
I�??m not from New York . I�??m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don�??t think I�??m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that�??s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won�??t get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she�??s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

  • Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won�??t hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I�??m 25)?

  • Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I�??ve seen really �??plain jane�?? boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I�??ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What�??s the story there?

  • Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

  • How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I�??m putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I�??m being up front about it. I wouldn�??t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn�??t able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

it�??s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810
The Reply

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I�??m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here�??s how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here�??s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here�??s the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity�?�in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won�??t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you�??re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold�?�hence the rub�?�marriage. It doesn�??t make good business sense to �??buy you�?? (which is what you�??re asking) so I�??d rather lease. In case you think I�??m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It�??s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as �??articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful�??
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn�??t found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn�??t need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you�??re going about it the right way.
Classic �??pump and dump.�??
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

10

I appreciated a few of these:

[i]Things I DON’T Need for Christmas
Date: 2007-12-17, 1:25AM PST

Disclaimer: Before anyone thinks, “Fine you asshole. I hope you get nothing for Christmas!” please realize that I don’t want or need anything for Christmas. In fact, that is the whole point here. I’m 26 and have a nice career. If I need something, I don’t ask Santa for it. I fucking buy it like an adult. What do I want for Christmas? I don’t know…sleep I guess. What I can tell you is this: Here are some things that I don’t want this holiday season:

#1. Novelty Boxer Shorts

Unless the woman you�??re trying to seduce has a fantasy about fucking a clown, there�??s no reason to ever be wearing underwear covered in images of Snoopy and Charlie Brown. �??But it�??s a holiday theme!�?? Terrific, but that doesn�??t change the fact that the girl I�??m undressing in front of is now trying to decide whether to fuck me or read me a Bernstein Bears story.

#2. Whatever �??For Dummies�?? book pertains to the career I�??m actively pursuing

I know that certain scientific laws make it impossible to give gifts that aren�??t tangible like �??running�?? or in this case, �??spitting in my face,�?? but I must say, you�??ve come close with your choice to give me this, �??For Dummies�?? book. I know you don�??t understand what I do for a living, but just because Michael Douglas didn�??t pay for a limo to drop me off at the party you shouldn�??t assume that I�??m failing miserably. Your lack of faith wouldn�??t be more obvious if you just gave me a job application to Wal-Mart.

#3. The DVD first season of some short-lived, completely forgettable show

There is absolutely no reason anyone (including Andy Griffith) should ever need to have instant access to any specific episode of Matlock. Is this one where Matlock wastes the court�??s time to make reference to his love of Southern cooking or is it the one where the black guy goes to a seedy bar and uses his street smarts to wrangle information? The whole point of daytime television is to bore people into canning the �??I�??m sick�?? bullshit so they can get back to work.

#4. The gift from the out of touch relative who thinks I�??m 2 decades younger than I actually am

A vintage Star Wars lunch box! Oh neat, it even snaps shut so there�??s no way my sandwich, chips, or chances of ever having sex again will fall out. Perfect. I�??ll set it on top of that dresser I keep my baseball cards in. Honestly, if I didn�??t use my penis to urinate, your gifts would make me forget that I have one.

#5. The Obvious Last-Minute Gift

Forgive me if I can�??t honestly believe that your intention a month ago was to get me a porcelain cat figurine for Christmas despite my never owning a cat and even going out of my way to express my intense hatred for cats. We�??ve all been there, but next time you�??re picking up a gift for me at the gas station on the way to my house, go ahead and just grab some beer. And if you don�??t mind grabbing the mail on the way in, I�??d love that too.

#6. The really small gift card for the big, expensive store

Wow, $10 to Barney�??s New York! Now if I can just scrape together another 10 out of my own pocket, they�??ll let me lie on the floor while the night janitor urinates on my chest and face.

#7. Any type of donation being made in my name

Even though I think Karma is merely a way to keep morons from enjoying themselves, I do know that if it does exist, it doesn�??t work like a gift card. In other words, I can�??t do something nice and have the Karma points be added to your account. If you really want to distract God from what a huge asshole I am, just help me build this brick wall in front of the hooker I�??m about to have sex with.

#8. Christmas decorations

Gifts that offer a type of delayed satisfaction are fine when it�??s something like concert tickets. However, giving someone a Christmas decoration as a gift on Christmas will make people hope aloud that you didn�??t drive yourself there. In fact, it�??s so ridiculous; it actually creates feelings of sadness and pity rather than disbelief. Your friends and family will wonder if you even know how the holiday works. Some might even wonder why you didn�??t just take it to the max and hand out coupons offering to help shovel dirt onto their coffin after they�??ve passed away.

#9. Involvement in any type of office gift swap thing

Whoever declared that the process of a 2-hour exchange of gag gifts was funny needs to slip back into their coma for a few more years. �??Oh ha! You got me a half a deck of playing cards and I got you Fun Dip! Hilarious!�?? The only reason assholes like Scrooge make their employees work late on Christmas Eve is because from 10am to 3pm, those same employees were pissing away company money with trivial gift exchanges. Wrapping up boxes of paper clips and handing them out as gifts isn�??t entertaining. It�??s a sign of Alzheimer�??s.

#10. A starter set for some obscure hobby I have zero interest in and am pretty sure you also have zero interest in.

Alright! A butterfly net with a book about catching and identifying butterflies! Is there a head injury I�??m going to have soon and don�??t know about yet? If ever the day arrives that I�??m reduced to the type of mongoloid who spends his days puttering around the backyard with a butterfly net, I give you full permission to take me down to the creek, tell me about the rabbit farm, and then blow my fucking brains out.

#11. Any gift that serves as an attempt to include me in whatever cultish fad you�??re currently wasting your time with.

Yes, I�??ve heard of The Secret and honestly I�??m glad you�??ve found something to momentarily distract you from the fact that your job is slowly driving you to suicide and you�??re about a spilled drink on the couch away from your third divorce. However, because I don�??t see you often enough to warrant showing any real concern with your life, please realize that it�??s just easier for me smile and nod in response to whatever cup of poisonous Kool-Aid you happen to be drinking at the moment than to give you my honest opinion. All I ask is that you just leave me the hell out of it. I�??m pretty into porn, but you won�??t see me trying to throw that at you�?�except for redtube.com. It�??s pretty impressive with the search engine and what not.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! [/i]

11

This is good too - I wonder if she met Al Shades’ dad?:

[i]An apology to the Ayn Rand man - w4m
Date: 2007-11-06, 9:56PM EST

Ayn Rand man, I would like to apologize for a few things. To begin with, I am sorry that I did not state in simpler words, when you asked why Ayn Rand was shelved in the fiction section instead of the philosophy section, that the Fountainhead is a novel.

After I took you to the philosophy section to show you her absense in person, you began to explain your personal theories to me.

You explained to me that Ayn Rand is the first person to radically change philosophy in history. You explained to me, in a soft, intimate voice, that capitalism should in fact be called “liberalism,” due to the fact that it comes from the French word for “free,” and that capitalism makes us free.

I would like to apologize at this point for the fact that my employer prevents me from engaging in political or philosophical discussions with customers, because instead of nodding quietly, at this point, what I really should have done was point out that liber actually comes from Latin, from which both the French and English words are derived. I also apologize for not explaining that capitalism actually falls under the subject of economics.

You continued on to explain that although you do not have a degree in philosophy, you teach this theory to businessmen. So I would also like to apologize for not explaining that I do actually have a degree in philosophy and would be able to clear a few things up for you; also for not mentioning that while I’m sure businessmen who regularly screw the little guy over for money in the name of capitalism are happy to learn it’s actully in the name of freedom, and that I’m sure you also enjoy the benefit of the freedom your large salary entitles you to, it does not actually constitute a revolution in the philosophical world.

It was only when you went on to explain to me that it is only now, through Ayn Rand, that philosophy has started to be “taken seriously as a science” and is no longer “useless,” that I really began to regret this missed opportunity to engage in discussion.

So, for all these reasons, man with the Ayn Rand obsession, I aplogize profusely. [/i]

12

Just one more:

[i]LA Fitness Yesterday (locker room etiquette)
Date: 2007-08-11, 8:15AM PDT

To the guy at L.A. fitness yesterday who trounced from the shower all the way back to the locker without drying off. WTF were you thinking? The huge puddle of water you left on the floor made the space unusable for others. I needed to use the space too, but couldn’t because I didn’t want to get my socks wet. It’s a damn good thing you were outta there before I walked in. In your mind you obviously view yourself as a pillar in our society and one that we should all strive to achieve. You have no concern for anyone but yourself, and you should have some courtesy for your fellow club members.

While I’m at it, let’s go over some basic yet intuitive (for those who actually get life) rules for locker room etiquette - these are things I have seen at one time or another - in no particular order:

  1. Get in get out. Don’t dally in the locker room. It is not a place to socialize and stand around talking or reading the newspaper. When you linger in the locker room you are taking up valuable real-estate. People don’t want to be on top of each other when they are changing and the longer you stay in there the more likely it is that it will start to get cramped. I really don’t want to be sitting on the bench putting some socks on with some guy bending over in front of me exposing a hairy black hole inches from my face because you are in the way with the fucking newspaper.

  2. No talking on the cell phone. This could go along with number one, but it needs to be mentioned in a separate line. Nobody is interested in hearing you make an appointment for your next colonic, and we’re not impressed hearing you make deals with your stock broker, you are a legend in your own mind and you’re not impressing anyone. In fact it demonstrates you are an idiot. Or are you really trying to take pictures? Either way you need to get out of the locker room, and not pretend to talk on the phone. Do you actually get off on the sights, smells and sounds of this room to want to stay there any longer than you need to? If so you’re sicker than I thought.

  3. Use a lock on your locker! It’s nice that you trust nobody will steal your shit, but at the same time this is a visual indicator for others coming into the locker room where you are setting up shop. This way as other members enter the locker room they can see where the locks are placed and try to spread things out a bit and not end up on top of each other. I look around think, great I have this whole row to myself, then suddenly your sweaty ass appears opens the door next to mine and proceed to get undressed, all the while getting a good whiff of your butt cheese. Does anyone really like that smell?

  4. PLEASE no foot powder on the floor! If I want foot powder I will buy my own. What makes you think you can spread this shit everywhere and that others are going to want to use it too? If you have foot problems I wouldn’t be advertising it so if you can’t keep it on just your foot don’t use it.

  5. For christ sakes wear a towel. I’m not interested in seeing your parts swinging around the room, there’s nothing special going on down there, in fact why would you think anyone will want to look at it? Believe me it is disgusting to see you shaving in the mirror completely naked with hair protruding from your ass crack, have some decency man and cover it. Your wife should be explaining this to you at home, she might have been into it at one time, but I promise she is not anymore. If you are going to sit on the bench put a towel down or here’s a novel idea - wear underwear - keep it covered for christ sakes. The thought of your ass crack spreading open and putting your stink down grosses me out. Also the guy with the foot powder might have just been there spreading his fungus and now your ass is really going to be hurtin.

  6. Shower usage - if it is one of those shower areas with no curtains and there are two rows of showers with an aisle down the middle, use the same side as the people already in there. I’m not interested in you taking the shower across the aisle from me. I don’t want to exchange pleasantries as you wash the Johnson and and spread your ass lathering up and bent over in an awkward looking stance trying to get the shower spray down there. If I wanted to shower with someone I would do it with my my paramour. I don’t want to see it and I don’t want you to be staring at me either.

  7. The scale - other people use it too, please don’t just jump out of the shower and use it. I don’t run around in there with my clean bare feet - I wear socks instead. I can’t get on the scale because you dripped all over it and I don’t want my socks wet the rest of they day in my shoes. Think about the others in the room - it is not all about you.

  8. Benches - they are a place to sit down. Not pile up your crap while you take a sauna and shower. WTF are we supposed to do when your shit is all over the bench and we need to sit to put our socks and shoes on? It’s great you see the room as your house but perhaps next time I’ll see it as my house and do a little cleaning of my own and throw all your shit away.

  9. Muddy shoes - I don’t fucking get it. Why would you walk in from your construction site and get mud everywhere? I wouldn’t come to your home and trounce through your place spreading dirt everywhere. If anyone hasn’t told you it is a locker room and other people use it too. I don’t want to get out of the shower all clean and have to walk through your muck. If you know you’ll be muddy bring an extra change of shoes and put them on before you enter. I know the smartest people in the world don’t go to the club, so here’s a hint - If your feet are filled with dry dirt, it comes off too, and guess what - turns to mud when it gets wet - Moron.

  10. In the shower - shampoo your head and wash your body only. It is not a place to shave your dick and face. Your dick you can take care of at home, I don’t want to see it. The face can be done in the sink area outside the shower area - with your towel on. The more time you spend in the shower the more likely it is that other people are going to need in and use it too, we don’t want to pile up in there, waiting for the little prince to get all spiffed up. Also I don’t want to be the one in there next getting your hairs all over my feet. Why would you think I would like to walk into this?

  11. In the sink area. If you are going to shave, wipe up after yourself and keep it covered. Grab a paper towel and clean it up.

  12. In the toilet. OK, so you drank heavily the night before had a huge dinner and suddenly its pushing at the back door, great for us huh?! Guess what - we don’t want to puke. I almost did a few weeks ago - as if hearing the explosion weren’t bad enough the smell drifted around the corner and thirty feet away - it took everything I had to stay conscious. While you should not be denied the use of the fixtures - please flush often, and better yet try to push it out at home first.

  13. Clean up after yourself, in the locker and shower areas. Why would you leave your bandages in the shower area? WTF - I’m supposed to use the shower now and have whatever affliction ails you now oozing down between my toes? Razors, soap wrappers, soap - like I’m going to pick that up and use it after being exposed to your ass crack with your ass hairs all over it. Take it away with you. Your mother, who performed an act many years ago (again - great for us, huh?) that resulted in the - apple in her eye - does not live at the gym and is not going to come in and clean up after you. You’re not the apple in her eye anymore and you sure the hell ain’t in mine. YOU NEED TO PICK IT UP.

For anyone who can’t come in and leave a locker room as you found it, you are nothing more than a disgusting animal. Be courteous of others and keep this kind of shit at home. [/i]

13

[i]Why You’re Not Getting Any (And How to Fix it)

Date: 2006-05-04, 11:20PM EDT

Dear Roommate,

You went out tonight and had yet another dismal failure. The best thing that can be said about this date is that at least it was mercifully short, so thankfully she didn’t have to put up with you for too long.

It’s not that you’re a bad dude. You’re funny, smart, caring, and (to my male heterosexual eye) not that bad looking of a dude. The problem, roommate, is that you’re just a fucking idiot when it comes to dating.

I’ve had to watch this sad charade for over a year now, and I’ve had to listen to your sob stories, this constant recounting of how you can’t find a nice girl to get into a relationship with. I understand; dating is hard. I’m no magician myself and don’t claim to be the all-knowing expert of wooing the opposite sex. I’ve tried to help you, but you won’t listen. Now I’m on Craigslist because I just can’t stand it anymore.

Roommate, please pull your head out of your ass. Here are ways you constantly fuck up. Fix these, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll meet that nice girl you’re looking for.

  1. BE ON TIME. You fucking asshole, you are always late. ALWAYS. This isn’t a big deal when you’re just meeting up with me or your friends for beers at the bar, but it’s goddamn rude when it’s a girl that you’re trying to impress, especially on the first date. The message you are sending is that you were doing something more important than making sure that you were on time for your date. As you get to know her better, maybe this can become one of your cute little “quirks,” but being late right off the bat makes you look like a fucking dickhead.

  2. IRON YOUR GODDAMN SHIRT! You walk out of the house looking like you just pulled your shirt out of the bottom of the hamper. Come to think of it, maybe you did. But dude, you look like fucking hell leaving with all of those wrinkles. Whether you want to admit it or not, she’s going to notice. If you show up looking like crap (and late on top of it, fucko), again you’re sending the message that you just don’t care that much about trying to make a good impression with her. Take a look at your date–unless you’re going out with the neighborhood crack whore, have you noticed that she probably spent more than 5 minutes getting ready? If you want her to look good for you, it’s only fair that you look good for her, you inconsiderate bastard.

  3. SHAVE. Just fucking shave. Your 2-day growth doesn’t make you look like a dashing rogue. It makes you look like a slovenly bastard. Also, I want you to try an experiment: go to the Home Depot down the street. By some #2 sandpaper. Take it out of the box, and grasp it with the palm of your hand, positioning your arm at approximately a 45-degree angle. NOW RUB IT ALL OVER YOUR FUCKING FACE AND SEE HOW MUCH IT HURTS. Doesn’t feel too good, does it you stupid son of a bitch? That’s exactly what your face feels like to her if, heaven forbid, you actually kiss her. Now, some girls like the feel of an unshaved face. Shit, some girls like to be choked while you fuck them in the ass and pretend that she’s an underage ballerina and you’re Superman. But that doesn’t mean you should show up to your first couple of dates with a gag ball, an industrial-size tube of K-Y, and a goddamn cape. Play the percentages: shave until she tells you otherwise. Asshole.

  4. PAY ATTENTION TO THE CONVERSATION. You always complain about uncomfortable silences. Well, dickhead, what is it that you’re talking about that leads to silence? You’re doing one of two thing: (1) Talking about stuff that’s boring as hell to most people, that could lead to potential conflicts, or that makes her feel uneasy (topics in this category include: work, politics, sports, religion and sex). If you get into a relationship, you might have long discussions about any of these topics. That’s cool, that’s healthy. But whipping that stuff out on the first date is most likely going to be a conversation killer; or, (2) You’re talking about yourself. You tend to do that a lot. Shut the fuck up. It’s about her, not you. Keep the conversation going by asking her follow-up questions and offering selective tidbits about yourself. That way, she feels like not only are you interested in her, but also she’s learning about you. It doesn’t matter what questions you ask her, just keep her talking. AND FUCKING LISTEN. Don’t go on auto-pilot–she’ll pick up on the fact that you’re not really listening to her right away.

  5. SHOW SOME CHIVALRY. Open doors. Offer to pay for the bill (but don’t force it–she might feel more comfortable splitting the bill with you, because then she won’t feel like you’re “expecting something” as a reward). Be nice to the waitress. Don’t look at ANY OTHER WOMEN, no matter how hot they are. As soon as you check out some other girl’s ass, you’re done. Save that shit for when we’re out at the bar getting drunk. Until then, focus on your date. Flatter her. This is something we don’t do well in our culture, but find a way to compliment her without coming off like an asshole. Find something you genuinely like about her (her outfit, necklace, shoes, whatever) and tell her. Stay away from the following areas, though: Boobs, lips, legs, ass, and just bascially her body in general. Don’t come off as a perv.

  6. MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Dude, she’s not going to fuck you on the first date. It’s just not going to happen…and the girl who DOES fuck you on the first date isn’t a girl you want to get into a relationship with. If she’s fucking you on the first date, how many other guys do you think she’s sleeping with? You’re not that good looking, charming, or rich. YOUR ENTIRE GOAL FOR THE FIRST DATE IS TO GET A SECOND DATE. That is the only way you should measure success. If you get a kiss after the first date, that’s great…but the lack of a kiss doesn’t mean shit. And guess what? Your entire goal for the second date is to get the third date. It’s ok to ratchet up the physical flirting as the number of your dates increases, but as soon as she feels you trying to sniff out her cooter, you’re done unless she already wants to swallow your Special Swimmers.

That’s all I’ve got for right now. I hope you read this. I hope you meet a girl who you can have a good relationship with. I also hope you fucking quit whining about it to me.

Oh, and I need the fucking rent. Asshole.

14

[i]A Rant from a Cop

Date: 2006-04-16, 7:20AM PDT

Folks;

I actually took this career path because it disturbed me to see so many victims and I was sure I was the one who would make a difference.

During my career, I have employed compassion, empathy, negotiating skills, and decency in an effort to be someone who people would actually be left with the feeling that you mater after we leave. I could write a book, no, ten books about the things I’ve seen in your living rooms, bedrooms, streets and alleys. But I won’t because I am not talented enough and most of it would be in poor taste.

I see that this forum has a variety of genre. I see the intelligent people trying to provoke thought and engage other people�??s minds. I see the sick, disturbed people who have found an audience for which they can share their disturbing thoughts. I see those in between who are just passing through musing at the fodder of all the rest. And of course we now know that Kim Jong lives in the Salt Lake Valley. So, perhaps this is to fall upon deaf ears. But what the hell, I can’t send it to the paper because they sell entertainment and this isn’t very entertaining. But at the risk of boring, pissing off, maligning, inadvertently offended, or maybe even causing someone to think a little, here goes.

  1. Complaints from citizens

People, for the love of everything holly, why do you call us for some of this absolute shit? People are always saying “don’t you guys have anything better to do?” when we show up at their home for some moronic reason. Well guess hat? They are right! We have so much more to do. Why do you use us as swords to wield at your neighbor? Why do you use us as leverage mechanisms in you�??re screwed up personal relationships? You say we are all fat, lazy, or no good. So why is it every time you want to threaten, scare or piss off an ex, a neighbor, a family member etc. the first statement that rolls off of your lips is "I’m gonna call the cops on you if,

Let me use yesterday as an example. Noon, its 59 degrees and I get a call from a guy whose neighbor�??s dog has been left in a car. I get there, the windows are cracked, and the dog has only been in there 20 minutes. It�??s 59 Degrees! It�??s not summer and if it were the dead of winter I’d say the car is a $20,000 dog house. But it turns out this guy has a running dispute with his neighbor so guess who he calls to irritate the guy a little more? Me. When I go to leave, the asshole that called this in yells, “hey, aren’t you gonna do anything?” I explain why I am not and he says “great, I’m writing a letter to the paper” Holly shit. Now I’m the bad guy because I didn’t embarrass your target enough for you? Grow the hell up.

1:30 PM. Mom calls in a child abuse report on the ex. Turns out the only abuse was that he is a half hour late returning from his turn with the girl. The poor guy has two of us at his door and all his neighbors watching. But we have to respond and gladly respond to every call because of the fact that every now and then, it�??s real. So we can’t pick and choose and no, I don’t have a crystal ball installed next to my MDC so I can see into the future. Another 90 minutes wasted on a revenge complaint. And yes, the ex got what she wanted. All the neighbors are now murmuring that this guy might be a psycho because after all, there were police officers in his home. Now his neighbors have a hard on for him and they are going to start calling us everything a bike gets stolen or a potted plant comes up missing. 3:15 PM. Car just stolen from the parking lot of a grocery store. The RP left the car running for just a minute while she went inside. Dispatch gives us a description of the car. The first thing we do is spread out into a grid of sorts hitting the main routes people would use to leave the area and we actually look for the victim�??s car. Believe it or not, a great many times we actually locate the car and return it to the victim. But after 30 minutes, if we haven’t found it, it’s either in someone’s garage in the hood, or it’s out of the area. So the next thing I do is respond to where the woman is to take a report. Guess what? I get out of my car and this irate woman comes rolling over and yells at me right there in front of the super market “Where the hell have you guys been!!” She goes on a tirade about how she’ll never get her car back now because we didn’t respond fast enough and we could give a shit about here because she’s just another dumb ass taxpayer. So I try in my most composed voice to explain “maam, when your car is stolen, the one place you won’t find us is the place we are sure the car is NOT” Now I’m being a smart ass and she wants my supervisors name.

People, most of you are decent, hard working, family loving, flag waving contributors to your society. And it�??s because of this that I approach everyone with dignity and respect. But to that loud minority that tries to use us to get even with the neighbor down the street, or the ex, or the boss. You are the ones that are doing everyone a huge disservice. You are the ones that take us away from the people we should be watching. You are the pathetic, bored, angry, insecure misfits of society. So the next time one of you is sitting at your barstool lamenting about how “the cops are never there when you need them” there’s a reason.

To the rest of you, I’m truly sorry if it takes us a little longer than it should to get there. I know who the gang bangers are. I know most of the tweekers. I know where to go and look for your property when you’ve been ripped off. I know where to go and look for the guy that that just jacked your wife�??s purse because as soon as I heard the physical description I recognized him and a repeat offender trying to get together some cash for his habit. But I cannot tend to these real emergencies if you are going to call us because you think someone stole your paper or the neighbor is watering his lawn on an even rather than an odd day or because the kids down the street are on the damn skateboards again. Hell, we were kids once. Leave the kids to be kids. Oh, and to the guy who called us during the busiest time of night to complain that your neighbor across the street was parked too close to the corner, real funny. He’s a cop and you don’t like cops so you try and use other cops to harass him? Get a life.

Live like decent people and yes, absolutely call us when you see something real happening. I’ll do everything in within my ability to help you. Disclaimer. I know there are asshole cops just like there are assholes in any and every profession. I know some of the guys where like me, idealists who wanted to make a difference but now suffer from a thing we call �??compassion fatigue�?? Most of us really do give a damn about you and when you are in trouble, we haul ass to get there before it�??s too late. Even then someone will always call in to complain that I was driving to fast and �??must have been late for dinner�?? But I�??ll tell you what, when we get a 911 call at 2:00 AM and all the call taker can hear on the other end is a woman screaming, it still gives us chills and yes, we�??re gonna drive like hell to get there as quick as possible because whoever is doing whatever to her needs to be stopped and we�??re the only ones that are going in. So cut us a break. It could be your wife, or mom, or girlfriend or daughter

15

Rant: My giant dick
Date: 2006-06-17, 1:18PM PDT

Where to begin? I hate my giant dick. I haven’t always hated it, mind you, just for the last, oh, 17 years or so.

I loved my dick when I was 13 and had a nice 7 inch tool. I’d put it through its paces regularly and just couldn’t wait to share it with some of my female classmates. At 14 I was starting to get just a little concerned as I then had a 9 inch member. It was great, but I was hoping for no further growth. No such luck. By the time I was 16 or 17, the growth finally ended. Unfortunately, not before I had reached my freakish proportions.

It’s 12 inches long. It’s about as big around as one of those tall cans of Coors Light (horrible beer, by the way). It doesn�??t help that I�??m a shower, not a grower. When flaccid it�??s still 9 inches. In high school I picked up nicknames like cackyderm (creative), kickstand, and �??the plunger.�?? I was smart, funny, athletic, and well liked, though, so the kidding was not mean spirited. I know that some awkward big dicked guys must go through much worse in high school.

Now, I�??m sure some guys are thinking that this doesn�??t sound like a problem and they wouldn�??t mind swinging a stick like this around. Trust me, it sucks. To understand what it�??s like to live with a giant dick you have to throw out everything you know about normal life. I love sports and athletic activities. Unfortunately, my dick loves this too and celebrates by flopping around like a frog on a frying pan. An extra large heavy-duty athletic supporter is an absolute must. Go without, and I could end up with a black eye.

Of course, by the time I get everything stuffed into the supporter I look like I�??ve crammed a grapefruit down my shorts in case I need a snack at half time. If the supporter fails, my dick will fly out of there like the spring snakes in one of those novelty cans of mixed nuts. I hope there aren�??t any kids watching the game. I really enjoy swimming, but water + swim trunks = cling = gasps. My next house will have a pool and a tall fence.

How about non-athletic activities like, say, walking down the street? First off, boxers are out. No one wants to see that coming toward them. Even briefs only do a marginal job of keeping everything from swinging around. All new clothes must be tried on to see if they pass my dick visibility test (DVT). Jeans fail. Many slacks fail. Most shorts fail. Need to sit on the toilet? Hold on to snakey or he�??s going swimming.

Fine, but it�??s gotta rock in the sack, right? Wrong. Don�??t get me wrong, it gets hard as a rock and stays that way, but finding someone able to work with it has been difficult. I�??m a nice, attractive, and successful guy so I have met a lot of women who wanted to get down with me. That is, until they see my dick. My first time was when I was 18 with a friend�??s older sister (23). The look on her face when she saw it erect was one of surprise, incredulity, and fear. To her credit, she was willing to give it a go, but it would only go so far. Guys, you know how great it feels to pound away �??balls deep�??? I don�??t. I have yet to find a woman who can take it all. A lot of women have simply said, �??Forget it�?? once they see it. Last month I met a really nice woman who followed me back to my place from a Belltown bar. We got close and it was getting hot until ol�?? dicky came out.

The look on her face was one of actual horror (you know, eyes bulged, hand over a gaping mouth). Without saying a word, she bolted up, grabbed her clothes, and was out the door. You�??d think it had five dragon heads at the end (it doesn�??t, by the way). How about a nice blowjob? Maybe if there were a bunch of female versions of Steve Tyler out there I�??d actually be able to get one. That leaves few options. I�??ve gotten very good at going down and handjobs are about all that works with most ladies. Given the crap shoot of reactions from new partners, masturbation has been my best option overall.

I know things could be worse. I�??m 6�??2�?? and 220 pounds, so at least it doesn�??t look like an actual third leg like it would if I were 5�??1�??. It�??s also not bent, doesn�??t just get to half mast, or have any of the other physical problems a dick can have. But it�??s a damn hassle every day. I�??d give my left nut to give up 4 inches and some girth.

To those guys who wish they had a massive dick instead of their average or below average one, I say enjoy what you have. Things could be worse: your wish could come true.

16

[i]Confessions of a BART Fartist - m4w
Date: 2007-12-27, 4:55PM PST

If V is for Vendetta, F is for Fartist. The first part of the word is �??fart�?? for the act of firing bacteria created air and poo particles at an incredible speed. Everyone one does it, and it has been proven that farts bring joy, yet they are taboo in public. The second part of the word is �??artist�?? because that is what I am. Much like Picasso wielded a paint and easel, I have the ability to practically fart on command and have perfected the ventriloquist and ricochet methods which allow me to strike with devastating accuracy from cover much like a highly trained sniper.

My main hunting grounds are the mean streets of BART, which I am forced to endure twice a day for half an hour at a time. Many people from other places tell me that BART is great or some similar shit, but anyone who rides it daily like me knows that it sucks. To pay $10 a day for the right to park and ride to and from work is excruciating, especially on the way home when I think about paying to stand on a packed train with a bunch of self absorbed aholes. But I must give BART some credit, for they launched my career as the most lethal vigilante in history.

Here is a list of some of the victims and the methods with which they were punished:

Mr. Read the newspaper to his wife on speaker phone guy: You are on the top of the list for one reason and one reason only; you are without a doubt the biggest asshole in history. Who sits there and yells on speaker phone and reads stories about an axe murderer to his wife during rush hour (in the elderly and handicapped seat no less)? You do. I fought for almost two minutes, desperately pumping the volume up button on my iPod trying to block out your transgressions. My career as a fartist started then, my ignorant self absorbed friend, and you were treated to turkey chili con queso. Oooooh it was hot and wet when I crop dusted you, how did it smell? Call your wife and tell her about it.

Ms. Lower her shoulder and cram her way on to a way too packed train lady: I could not believe you were actually going to try to cram your way on to our way too packed train, but you sealed the deal when you lowered your shoulder and repeatedly rammed your way into the crowded mass of frustrated passengers. It took me a stop or two, but slowly I was able to back my tight buttocks right up to within 2 feet of your short ugly face. I used the silencer once again but you bathed in it. When you cried, �??Oh god, who farted?�?? I was crying I was laughing so hard.

Two teenage girls talking about sex and two teenage guys talking about taking drugs and driving: You have no idea how stupid you sound talking about subjects like that on a silent BART train during the afternoon commute. I saw one lady actually get up and move away because your conversation was so inane and ignorant. Bonus points for the one girl saying she prefers wine and salmon to a beer and burger now, I can�??t tell you how impressed we all were with you. The woman behind you who rolled her eyes and slumped in her seat wanted more of your tips on living the high life for sure. And guys, I�??m not sure what drug exactly you were talking about taking and then driving on the freeway but I just hope you don�??t take anyone with you when you earn your Darwin Awards. I approached smiling, appearing to be heading for the exit, utterly forgettable in my everyday Dockers with polar fleece pullover. You were all sitting together in the �??quad�?? chairs that face each other and no one else was around you for obvious reasons. The ambient noise from the tunnel meant I was able to really make you shiver when I delivered, I am actually shocked that a burnt hole wasn�??t left in the back of my pants. It was one of my fall specials, a preseason pumpkin fart that smells for five minutes. By the time you realized what was happening I was doubled over laughing on the escalator in the station, I hope my gas taught you something valuable. Silence is golden.

Next time, more victims and a discussion over which came first �?? the need to fart or the elevator. [/i]

17

[i]To the Guy in the Islanders Bathroom

Date: 2005-12-11, 11:17PM EST

Dear person in the Islanders Resturant bathroom,
While I don’t make a habbit of calling people out on their movements I need to put this one out there. YOU SIR, need to start each and every day with a bran muffin. Do you have the bird flu? In 26 years on this planet I have never heard, heard of, had or otherwise experienced as voilent a shit as you took in the Islanders bathroom. It sounded like you were pouring out a 5 gallon bucket of ice water from 10 feet avove the toilet. My ears have never heard so horrific a sound as your liquid fecal being fired downward between pockets of pressurized methane gas. I was only there to wash my hands before eating my lunch…but my appetite was foiled by your ass-disaster. Moaning and weezing in your stall while wave after wave of dysentery ran from your bowels. What had you consumed?! Raw chicken, 2 bowls of chilli, 1 bottle Ex-Lax and a gallon of milk? You single handedly ruined every molecule of oxygen in the room. 30 minutes later back at work it still seemed like someone had wiped a log of shit under my nose.