Being a Bouncer - Tips, Techniques and Tales

Off Topic
61

Eh, you’re not that small. At 5’8" and 190lbs, I definitely had an interesting time. For a few months at the roughest place I worked, I was their enforcer. I had to fight a lot of guys bigger than me. I was actually a pretty good at it, but getting pigeonholed into the enforcer role sucks. I was pretty happy when they hired a huge dude who was all too happy (and I mean all too happy) to fill that role.

Here’s a fun story:

Got a call on the radio to front door to deal with a group of guys hassling some of the girls waiting in line. Started moving most of them along peacefully enough, until the loudmouth douchebag of the group decides to throw a haymaker. Well, he tried to anyway, but I grabbed him first. He wriggled out of my grasp and punched me in the face. I hit him a couple of times and quickly gained the upper hand in the fight, so I started looking around to find a relatively nonviolent way to end this.

I noticed 2 things: he had a man-bun (what an awful trend) and there was a garbage can nearby. This was one of those garbage cans on the street of the bar district of the city during a very busy night, so you can imagine how delightful its contents were. I probably don’t have to explain this further, but I grabbed him by the man-bun and shoved his head down into the garbage can, holding him there until he begged me to stop. So I let him go and he and his boys went their way, his dignity considerably less than intact.

Fucking man-buns.

62

I sometimes man-bun it up for squats, but never for bouncing. Just because I don’t like haircuts doesn’t make me some kind of hipster.

The more I read about other people’s bouncing experiences the more I realize I have a pretty decent gig going on. Even when I’m the only one working I can still work the door from anywhere in the bar because it is so tiny. Nobody can just sneak in unnoticed.

This also means I’m not stuck outside checking ID’s. I get to mingle, socialize and flirt. Sure, I’m mostly flirting with drunk bar skanks, but some of them are pretty good-looking drunken bar skanks. I got laid on my second night on the job. Opportunities for one night stands are plentiful. The bartenders are all women except for the owner, and he’s practically married, so I have no competition from other staff except my 350 pound bouncing partner.

I have yet to run into any “action” beyond getting drunks out the door peacefully. I already made friends with one of the more notorious locals with a tough guy reputation. It was pretty easy. I shook his hand, told him he looked strong as shit (even though he just looked like a bench and bicep bro) and we got to talking lifting. Hopefully that works in my favor, should he decide to get violent one day.

The craziest stuff I’ve seen so far all involves people getting their rocks off. This semi-regular girl showed up one night totally wasted and let some dude plow her right in the parking lot in plain view. The next day she was more or less sober and you might mistake her for a nun.

One of the regulars likes to watch other guys fuck his wife, who is 25 years younger than him. He’s a big spender and most of their nights out involve finding these guys, which is always interesting to watch. There’s always hurt feelings at the end of the night.

Another regular is going through a divorce and just likes to whip her tits out. This can be startling sometimes, but they are pretty nice tits so nobody has lodged a formal complaint.

Another regular was talking up her head game at the end of the night and then got called out on it by my 350 pound partner. He came back inside with a big grin but said it was just “mediocre”.

Otherwise this job is kinda like watching a nature show on bizarre mating rituals.

I’m working tonight. The plan is to watch Bruins hockey, enjoy my dinner compensation and see how the night unfolds.

63

Sounds likes you have it pretty easy. I would avoid banging the bartenders, though, unless you’re really tight with the owner. It’s an easy street to getting involved in bar drama. If things turn sour, as they often do, consider that bartenders are always higher on the pecking order than doorstaff.

64

I think it will stay easy until some brute comes along and kicks my ass. That probably won’t ever happen, but you never know.

As far as pecking order goes, I’m basically outside all of that. Besides, I’m not interested in any of the bartenders working there now. I’m part time/backup/extra help and the owner knows I make plenty of money at my day job. I also view our relationship as that of friends over employee/employer. I genuinely want to help his business succeed and have some fun doing it.

With no obligations to work any specific days and opportunities to work as many as 3 nights in a week, it really is a fantastic little side hustle as long as I’m not getting my ass kicked.

I’d like to discuss on-person load-out and see if I’m missing anything vital.

Footwear - I always go for discreet steel-toes. I wear these for my day-job anyway.
Flashlight - Streamlight pictured above (and it is programmable so the default beam is dim).
Blade - Spyderco Dragonfly 2. I have a larger folding blade but I like my small and discreet Dragonfly. A knife fight has never broken out there and if it did I don’t think I’d be going for my knife to join the fray.
Misc - Pen and small notepad, bandanna, multi-tool.
Vehicle - Comprehensive first aid kit, assorted weaponry.

SHTF - Let’s just say we have options close by and it is prudent to assume that most people you meet in the fine state of Maine also have similar options.

All opinions remain most welcome! What sort of other tools go along with this trade?

66

Is that an assault sword?

68

Aren’t you allowed to carry a pepper spray or something in case of a knife fight? When I was confronted with a knife, I didn’t want to go anywhere near the fucker. Luckily he was distracted by another patron so I could get the knife off of him but nowadays I carry Vexor pepper spray with me that burns like Satan’s asshole.

70

When we go through pepper spray training to be allowed to carry one, we can subject ourselves to getting maced. I was told that the FOX OC I was sprayed with feels like hell itself and I spent 3,5h in an ice cold shower before I could open my eyes. Vexor burns 3 times as much with 15 million on the Scoville scale so I imagine that would burn like Satan’s asshole.

Edit: some typos.

72

I would buy the hell out of a pepper spray named “Satan’s Asshole 15m to the max”.

73

No, not that small, but if I was at a place where I saw more trouble/action I think a few more inches of height would go a long way towards dissuading potential antagonists. Then again if I had been at a place where I was forced to fight on a regular basis I wouldn’t have stuck around very long.

74

I have not read the entire thread so maybe this was discussed. When I bounced back in the day I found that I could usually talk to most tough guy drunks and would be thugs down by approaching them in a non-threatening way.

If they were causing trouble instead of asking them to leave I would offer to buy them a beer (we drank free anyway). They would usually settle down. I know what you’re thinking “buying the tough guy another beer is only going to get him drunk faster” Right, so I win either way. If he settled down then I didn’t have to deal with him again. But, if he became more irritated at least he had more alcohol in him so that I could handle him easier.

Don’t laugh it was a technique that worked about every time.

Bottom line though I solved way more conflicts with fast words rather than fast hands.

75

Despite the occasional urge to do otherwise, this has been my modus operandi thus far. I kinda wish there was a bit more conflict to resolve, but I’m happy to get paid to hang out and help the bartender every once in a while.

The biggest trouble I’ve had in my last few shifts has been an old guy who kept trying to light up a cigarette in the bar and had way too much to drink. I called him a cab but the driver wouldn’t take him because of a bad incident involving this guy on his last ride. So I had to call him another cab. It was madness, I tell you.

This all worked out well because his daughter is an attractive and leggy lawyer who really appreciated how I treated her father. We talked a lot and she’s coming back on my next shift. I might have to ask her out on a date.

I think we can thank the de-facto legal status of marijuana in Maine for the chill scene at this bar, although Maine has always been a pretty laid-back place. Most of the patrons just want to smoke weed in the parking lot (which the cops are okay with and even have fun fucking with stoners), play good music, dance poorly and have the raunchiest conversations you can imagine.

76

How do you apply for a bouncer job anyway? Do they have specific strength and weight or height requirements? Any prior security/law enforcement experience required?

77

My job offer came about due to a few things.

  1. On two occasions I’ve physically overpowered people who were trying to hurt someone else. On both occasions I moved them out of the bar and helped them find the ground without hurting them too bad. I was just protecting my friends at the time.

  2. Since then I’ve become stronger, leaner and a bit more physically imposing.

  3. I am a large man at 6’00" and 285 lbs. I am also strong and look strong, at least by normal person standards. I have decent traps. Basically, I look like a bouncer.

  4. I had a casual conversation with the owner, who I’ve known for a long time, where I mentioned that it seems like it could be a fun job. Not long afterwards I was offered the job.

None whatsoever in my case, other than already being quite large and strong compared to the general population in addition to having handled violent people at the bar I now work at. I imagine certain places are going to be looking for certain people with certain skills and certain physical characteristics.

78

Sounds good, Ive thought about doing it as an off the books job, but being 5’9" I don’t think Id be tall enough. I am 260lbs though and stronger than average too. People call me big but I really don’t feel like Im that big, just broad and a good distribution of fat. That and don’t have much tolerance for bullshit so Id probably blow my top on someone and get stabbed.

79

The fact of the matter is that intoxicated people supply the revenue stream that pays my wages as a bouncer. Dealing with their bullshit, which ranges from mild to wild, is exactly what creates the demand for a bouncer’s services. If you don’t have the patience for drunken bullshit you will probably not do well as a bouncer.

Size is helpful, but the way I see it my size is just a silent reminder to everyone I interact with that I have options besides talking things through. My demeanor and judgement is what makes me effective at the job and an asset to the business.

Let’s see how that theory holds up if I’m getting punched in the face! I’ll get back to everyone if it ever happens.

80

Give it time. Everybody gets punched in the face sooner or later.

Yes, all the little things that you chuckle at are amusing, but over time (and being exposed to them 10000 times) you WILL get tired of them. That’s why you are indeed correct: patience is not a virtue, but a prerequisite.

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