Not much to add to the subject at hand, but something I used to view as hilarious, that’s now a crippling reality;
You tend to learn more about the people you work with than their own families and significant others. Then 9 times out of 10, one of you leaves and quite literally never speak a word to eachother again. You develop such a ridiculous bond to these people, and it always goes right over your head. I think it’s nice though. Some people just float in and then back out of your life and you simply dont have any complaints about the time you shared. It’s very pure.
Now something I DO have an opinion on… regarding the dude in jail… I’m on the train of -not being very wise-
My best friend since the 3rd grade has been in and out of jail, been in verbally abusive relationships, and is an alcoholic. Dude to dude, were still great friends, and as a result, I usually get fairly close to his partners. Anytime one of them confides trust issues in me, or gets worried for his mental state… I simply tell them to leave. Do what they have to do, and dont feel a damn thing about it. Help if you can, and WANT TO. But dont sacrifice your own mental health, or that of your child for someone who statistically, is never going to change.
My problem is I legitimately don’t care. I’ve learned to overcome this, because the people in the office sling shit at me when I see them once ever 2 weeks if I don’t ask how their life is… but, I really do not care.
This. Is. The. Worst. Not only do I not care, but I don’t like competitions to see who has the hardest life.
Also… I think familiarity cuts deep. The more familiar you are with me, the less respect you’ll have when I need to address a problem.
I can’t remmeber if it’s New or Old Testament, @Jewbacca, but the Bible says it well ‘A prophet is without honor in his hometown’.
First off, thank you so much to everyone for the wonderful advice.
Secondly, I will admit that deep down I know there’s like a 0.00012 percent chance of this all working out for me the way I want it to with regards to prison guy.
He’s pretty emotionally messed up, though upon sobering up he has apologized for a lot and told me he was going to start appreciating everything a lot more.
Though those types of breakthroughs are fleeting and few and far between. They give me a lot of false hope , and make my heart feel warm and fuzzy even though my brain knows it’s not real.
He doesnt have a lot of good people in his life. His dad was shot while committing a crime, his family drinks a whole hell of a lot, his mother is suffering from illness and his friends are all drunks.
I know there are other types of supports for him to utilize, but the thought of walking away makes me sick to my stomach with guilt.
One time I intentionally didnt answer when he called and it just ruined me for the rest of the day .
I don’t know how to feel ok just walking away.
I think it’s also desperation on my part. I’m very lonely. 33 and never had a real boyfriend or relationship. Work from home , very few friends. My son is 13 now and isn’t home as much . I just need somebody.
I don’t know how people at my age just go out and meet new people.
Im so mentally exhausted after work I couldn’t imagine going to a get together. I am scared shitless of meeting someone from a dating ap. I’m just trapped in my little fear bubble, I want to have just met him already.
But at the same time even being on a dating ap made me feel like I was betraying the guy in prison and how messed up is that.
Spock, my brother is a drug addict, and although as far as I know he hasn’t been incarcerated lately, at one time it was very common. The letters he would write! So thoughtful, so insightful and responsibility-accepting.
Realize that your guy has nothing but time, and holding you close is the primary entertainment of his life at the moment, as well as representing a nicely organized meal ticket for his eventual release.
Maybe he’ll make it. Maybe! Hopefully. But you already have a negative history with him. He’s already hurt you. Why not let him get out, get his shit together, and come to you ALREADY changed? Job, place to live, transportation…and if he’s still showing insight and the capacity for appreciation then, go for it!
As for dating apps…meet in public places, ascertain that his details (job, etc) are legit, and then…date! If you follow basic safety rules (meet publicly, don’t give personal info until you’ve vetted him) I don’t see how it can be worse than what you’ve had to this point.
yeah I feel you I’m almost 30 and I used for the first time a dating app. And weel, talking to several girls felt really weird. In a bad way. But it goes away I guess because you know, everyone does it, and it doesn’t really matter anyway.
As for the prison thing… Well my father is a drunk and he spent 15 years in jail. Yeah he hasn’t comitted any crime in 40 years. But he’s still a drunk, always have been, and that’s why he and my mom split up after 8 years. I mean I love him and everything but I wouldn’t recommand him to a woman lol
This is a skill, and it is underrated, making people feel like you’ve bought in, without actually knowing anything…also the whole, ‘someone tells me something important and then I immediately forget it’ has served me extremely well haha
Re: online dating…I really like this video, and particularly the line “turns out, I hadn’t been picky enough.” It’s dense, but also very funny and worth a watch.
Sometimes, we need little rules in life to make decisions easier. Eg.
Are you in prison?
Yes → Are you a relative? → No? Nice to meet you, goodbye. Yes → We’ll have a hard conversation soon but first you need to think about what you’ve done for a while.
No → Are you actively doing stuff that could land you in prison? Yes → nice to meet you, good bye. No → Do you seem the type that will one day end up in prison? Yes → nice to meet you, good bye. No → okay, we have passed the most minimum of standards, let’s move on.
More seriously, you have limited time and energy. Every moment you spend with these kinds of people is time you are taking from yourself - be it on recouping, meeting/spending time with good people or improving yourself.
I find that to be a very very sad and dangerous mindset to have. Have you tried speaking to therapist?
I get the feeling that other posters have given you a lot of advice in the past but you didn’t follow, in relation to your dating life. I just go back to your kid, lets say you reconnect with your prison-ex, he will eventually have to meet him right, I wouldn’t want my child be around someone like that.
As for dating online, that’s how i met my GF, and we’ve been together for about 3 years now. I don’t think it’s what it used to be.
Strange as it may seem, certain women’s brains have very good ways of working around this most basic line of thinking.
In my experience, which chiefly involves 20 years of observations of addicts I’ve known since grade school, the woman believes- DEEPLY - in her own ability to change his behavior.
Throw that prisoner interaction flowchart in the shredder. A well-meaning woman with powerful emotions and unrealistic ambitions will take things from here.
I knew the gal I wrote about earlier very well. We were neighbors growing up and part of a tight group of friends. She even consulted with her pastor about the situation, which she walked into with everyone knowing the guy was using heroin.
The consensus was that love would prevail. Gods light would shine on this man through his wonderful wife. She believed it, her pastor believed it and she married the man with the full blessings of everyone important in her life, including parents. I knew him well too, well enough to know he got high on his wedding day and hid it from her.
Who knows, maybe some kind of light did shine on him for a while. Maybe it will again.
But right now it sure seems like trying to save the addict she was in love with turned out as bad as it could have.
I’m sure there are cases that worked out great, but I’ve never observed it. At best the gal read the room and got out. At worst she gets sucked into the world and dies from an overdose. In between you can find an array of bad outcomes.
There is no person on Earth more destructive and evil that a drug addict. My brother was one and took his life. My mom is a highly functioning alcoholic (although, ironically, mildly bad health and inability to work at a high level may have saved her – she’s pretty and vain and didn’t want to look bad – whatever works, I suppose).
My biological dad has been in prison for most of my life. For a bit, we reconnected and he promptly tried to use me when I gave him a chance. He would write those same, glowing, manipulative, letters about “finding God”. After getting burned a couple of times, they go in the trash, unread. In fact, they typically don’t make it out of the post office before I trash them.
My wife, true to form, will sometimes get them and read them and ask me to “give him another chance”. She’s never met the dude and wants to change him. (Mind you, he’s a stone cold murderer.)
I haven’t heard this term in years, but I thought the white knight was supposed to be the good guy? Like the night in shining armor from kids fairytales and the like. When did that become a creep? 100% agree with your analysis about him being manipulative and all that, just curious as to the term.
I could be using it wrong. I try, but I am not a native English speaker. I am using it in the sense that he acts her knight in shining armor (and may view himself as such), but is really a creep who believes such actions entitle him to a blow job.
There’s a cliche(?) that rings true with me, which refers to the different perspectives men and women have on relationships. (@EmilyQ seems like an exception, but she’s a professional so it doesn’t count LOL.)
A woman is with a man, thinks this, this and this is wrong with him, but no worries I can change him…
A man is with a woman, thinks everything about her is great, and that she will never change…
^^That, is why I’m divorced. And as the great WC Fields said: If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I think this is more likely to be the case when you’re younger. My advice to my daughters is to think about whether you can live with a person’s foibles for 40 years or more because trying to change anyone will be hellish for both of you.
Some people just like the drama in their lives. You may be one of those Spocko, no harm in it as long as when it comes to the crunch you don’t damage yourself too badly and so far that seems to be the case.That said, there’s no point in warning you off this fella or that fella. I wish you luck chic.
You cant change an addict. You simply cant. It is 100% on them. Referring back to my old friend (whom I currently live with). I’ve known this dude since the 3rd grade. He literally knows more about me than my SO and my father. And vice versa. While being a hard fucking pill to swallow, I’ve stopped trying to intervene. The best I can do, is be here when he decides enough is enough. Ground rules have been set, if they’re broken, I (likely the last person available to him) will officially write him off. Hes disabled, and wouldn’t survive a week without somebody supplementing his life, but you ultimately have to decide whether or not it’s worth your one and only life supporting this person. Somehow, alcoholics are some of the worst addicts imo. They’re fully cognizant, and make rational decisions. Then rationally throw them to the fucking curb whenever they see fit.
I agree with an earlier post, be there for him WHEN he changes. No sooner. And be ready for it to be complete bullshit. Ambitious people will stop at nothing to get want they want, and if his only ambition is you, he could do some truly impressive things to get to you, and drop all of them the second the deal is sealed.
Source: mother, step mother 1 and 2, best friend, and aunt all alcoholics since my earliest memories.