A Field Guide To The Gym

Inspired by another thread.

“A Field Guide To The Gym” might include some of the more colourful specimens native to that environment. 90s Guy is still wearing his Zubaz, Zumba T and leopard print puffy pants. You Go, Glute Gurl spends hours at the gym but only does kickbacks and tie up the Smith machine. Pigpen uses twelve pairs of dumbbells to do twelve sets of curls leaving them all in a cloud around his bench. Saunaboy does not lift weights and has a gym bag without any equipment except eucalyptus oil.

Frigboy keeps interrupting you to ask how many sets left on the exercise you are doing with heavy weights. If you cut your work short to let him in, he will do one light set for three reps then abandon the exercise. Rocky only comes to the gym to do light stretching exercises - ankle lifts on the stairs and band work. The more advanced version (Rocky 2) boxes with dumbbells and skips rope for an hour while wearing a belt.

Hanes read it is healthier to ditch the shoes and does the workout in a disgusting and half-dirty pair of socks. Millimetre really loads up the leg press, but does not take off the safety. Rayban wears dark sunglasses in the gym to hide the pinpoint pupils. Pronoun has every right to be in the gym, working out in boots and a superhero cape. Freedom isn’t free. (My pronouns are Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum having spent too much time on hypertrophy).

What similar characters are endemic in your area?

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Bluto has an enormous upper body, but… maybe because his parents never told him about leg day.

TooMuch wears a mask to limit his oxygen, a weighted vest and a ToughMudder shirt. The Do You Even Lift Bros do their workouts in packs of five, one guy with bad form cheered on by four guys saying “It’s All You!”. CombatGuy is wearing a ninja outfit and watching himself doing karate punches in the mirror. He is sometimes accompanied by Cadet, recognizable by green fatigues, duffel bag, huge water jug and hat with folded brim and flag patch. Old Man Withers wears sandals, socks, orange shorts and does not care what you think about it, now or later in the change room where he just wears a towel, sometimes. (He unwinds by dressing up as a pirate ghost, robbing mines on Scooby-Doo).

Macgyver brings his homemade chains and Spotto boards to the commercial gym. Tripod spends much more time setting up his phone camera than actually squatting.

It’s kind of wild to think that if you’re a regular at the gym you have a nickname everyone knows you as, but you’ll never find out what it is.