20 Year Old, Feeling Suicidal

Pharma TRT
1

Hello, I’m very depressed and frustrated because I thought i’ve finally found out what has been causing my major depression and crippling anxiety(Low T). I’ve had alot of the symptoms that go along with low T like low sex drive, erectile dysfunction, loss of muscle mass, depersonilization + memory loss, etc. I’ve been through SSRI’s which did nothing for me (it made it worse). A couple blood tests have confirmed my suspicions of my low testosterone. However, my endo wanted to re-test me at another lab because he thinks that it will give a more accurate representation of my actual levels. This lab had absurdly low normal ranges from the minimum being at around150 ng/dl. He said that I was fine and refused to start me on TRT.

These were my results:
F.S.H: 4.23 mIU/ml (normal 0.95 - 11.95)
L.H: 2.24 mIU/ml (normal 1.14-8.75)
Total testosterone: 12.38 nmol/L (normal: 5.4-19.5) (i believe this converts to around 350 ng/dl)
S.H.B.G: 25 nmol/L (normal: 16-55)

My prolactin and other results came back normal. I really don’t know what to do, I’m thinking of just dosing myself with testosterone myself as I’ve come to a very desperate point in my life and used to be normal before my Low T disaster, my suicidal thoughts are getting worse and worse each and everyday.

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Have you had your thyroid checked? That’s usually the first place they look when they have someone your age exhibiting symptoms of major depressive disorder. I know this because I was once 20 and deeply depressed. I promise you it gets better. I ran through 11 SSRIs over the course of 13 years before I found one that worked. After two years on it I was able to quit and my depression hasn’t come back. You can absolutely get through this.

Get your thyroid checked, get a decent therapist, and spend some time just dragging yourself out of that hole. It won’t be easy but you’ll look back on it and be happy you did.

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The reason why SSRI’s didn’t work because the root cause was never addressed, like slapping a Band-Aid on an open wound, it’s going to continue to bleed.

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Mark, having dealt with similar symptoms in the past I felt compelled to offer you my advice. Please seek out a therapist. Preferably one that works along side a psychiatrist. I’m not dismissing the fact that your low T may have something to do with your symptoms, however, I personally saw the greatest improvement after working with a therapist. Give it a try while continuing to research TRT. These feelings will pass, things will get better, I can assure you of that.

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Listen suicide never the answer. You will get through this. Keep us updated mate. We got you!

Where are you located?

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Yeah as above keep going through different meds/SSRIs until found one that helps. Go see another Doc/medical professional if need be. (By all means give TRT a try also)

Also grab a copy of “Feeling Good:new mood therapy” by David Burns MD -will help stop negative thought patterns getting out of control

Also very mature for seeking pragmatic solutions and not just feeling sorry for yourself, keep moving forward and you will find the right combination of treatments for your situation

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Take a look at “bignoknow” channel on youtube . I went through suicidal thoughts and this channel helped me a lot!

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Thank you so much for your replies, made me feel a bit better. I’ll look into getting my thyroid checked. The thing is I had to give up a year of my life to sitting at home and feeling miserable/sorry for myself instead of going to university. I use to think that people who have depression are weak and that mentality throughout my life had probably pushed me farther to the edge when depression actually hit me. I feel so guilty/embarrassed and that is why I’m trying to find quick solutions. My parents are pressuring me to leave home because they think that my “depression is bullshit” and that I’m making it all up, that is truly the hardest part. I don’t blame them though as they probably think that I’m throwing away my future but I literally have to focus all my strength to get through the day without having a mental breakdown (pathetic I know).

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Dude. I wish your parents know what you are going through. Find a therapist to help you for sure. We can help on here to. Just keep talking to us. Nothing to feel embarrassed about others go through worse and are worse off.
Take charge over your life (you already show you are) and set small goals and take charge of getting to your goals. Dont worry about what others think. You are an adult now and not everyone understands things an adult goes through, even family. You chose how to live and you are great that you want to make some changes to help your self.

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Went through the same thing. To this day my very educated father doesn’t believe that depression is really a disease. Don’t let others stop you from treating your mental health like you would treat a broken bone. I believe you’re going to be alright in the end. You are confronting the issue and you know that you want to get better. That’s half the battle right there my friend.

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We have many guys with similar issues here.

Thyroid: Before you do labs…
Evaluate overall thyroid function via oral body temperatures, see that further on below.

Many have thyroid issues from not using iodized salt. Please provide history of that.

Do you get cold easily?
Outer eyebrows sparse?

Normal lab results often hide interesting things. Please post all lab work with ranges. “normal” can often be sub-optimal.

We need"
age=20
height
weight
waist size
how much body/facial hair?
did you grow slow and steady or early and fast?
other medical issues?
other medications?
blows to the head? -when
when did depression start?
when do you think testosterone became low?
Any pain or ache in your testes?
Have testes been examined?
Have testes become smaller or pulled up tight?

Many have to find a doctor who is not an idiot.

Please be aware that TRT can make testes shrink and threaten infertility unless hCG is used to keep the testes working. TRT causes LH/FSH–>zero.

Please read the stickies found here: About the T Replacement Category - #2 by KSman

  • advice for new guys - need more info about you
  • things that damage your hormones
  • protocol for injections
  • finding a TRT doc

Evaluate your overall thyroid function by checking oral body temperatures as per the thyroid basics sticky. Thyroid hormone fT3 is what gets the job done and it regulates mitochondrial activity, the source of ATP which is the universal currency of cellular energy. This is part of the body’s temperature control loop. This can get messed up if you are iodine deficient. In many countries, you need to be using iodized salt. Other countries add iodine to dairy or bread.

KSman is simply a regular member on this site. Nothing more other than highly active.

I can be a bit abrupt in my replies and recommendations. I have a lot of ground to cover as this forum has become much more active in the last two years. I can’t follow threads that go deep over time. You need to respond to all of my points and requests as soon as possible before you fall off of my radar. The worse problems are guys who ignore issues re thyroid, body temperatures, history of iodized salt. Please do not piss people off saying that lab results are normal, we need lab number and ranges.

The value that you get out of this process and forum depends on your effort and performance. The bulk of your learning is reading/studying the suggested stickies.

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Do you get cold easily?
Yeah, or atleast it seems that I’m more sensitive to the cold
Outer eyebrows sparse?
yes
age=20
height
5’7/5’8"
weight
around 157-160 lbs
waist size
32 in
how much body/facial hair?
very little body hair, facial hair growth has slowed down
did you grow slow and steady or early and fast?
slow and steady
other medical issues?
Not that I know of, but i’ve been suffering with shortness of breath and chest pain but I figured these could be caused from severe anxiety.
other medications?
I take a vitamin D supplement, anti depressant (brintellix)
blows to the head? -when
Yes, quite a few times actually; in the 9th grade I jumped off a golf cart (trying to impress a girl), ended up hitting my head on pavement floor so hard everyone heard it. I did not get knocked out but at that moment everything around me slowed down (I think i suffered some brain damage), My brother pushed me off a slide when we were kids once and I hit my head very hard (from what I’ve been told). I hit my head once when i was younger and my head was so swollen it looked like it was going to explode. (this happened twice to me)
when did depression start?
Depression has been present for most of my life, anxiety too but it was always mild and I can always power through but depression really hit me the end of my first year of university after having a bad experience with trying salvia (had a massive panic attack)
when do you think testosterone became low?
I honostely think my testosterone may have always been lower than normal but I feel like it took a huge hit after starting SSRI’s.
Any pain or ache in your testes? not really
Have testes been examined? yes, doc said they were fine
Have testes become smaller or pulled up tight? haven’t really payed attention but I believe they have shrunken up a bit.

Other labs:

Electrolytes:
Sodium: 136 nmol/l (norm is 136-145)
Potassium: 4.1 nmol/l (norm = 3.5 - 5.1)
Chloride: 103 nmol/l (norm = 98-107)
TCO2: 29.3 nmol/l (norm = 21-32)
Magnesium: 0.85 nmol/l (norm = 0.84-0.99)
Creatinine: 115 umol/L (norml = 71-115)
Alkaline phosphate: 145 U/L (normal = 48-117) <— doc said this was nothing to worry about?
Blood Urea Nitrogen: 6.1 nmol/l (norm = 2.5-6.4)
T.S.H: 2.51 (NORM 0.35 -4.94)
HCT: 0.388 (norm 0.42 - 0.52) ← this is also ok according to endo?
I’ve also found out I’m deficient in vitamin D, so I’m currently taking vitamin D supps

CBC:
Monocytes: 7.5 % (norm 5.5 -12)
Eosinophils: 2.6% (norm 0.9-2.9)
Basophils: 0.5% (norm 0.2-1)

I haven’t been aware that it could be an iodine deficiency until now. I’ve been eating a lot of fast food when I attended university (which is something I wasn’t used to).

I will do my oral body temp and report back.

Also, I will do further research and read the stickies, thanks!

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SSRI’s cause pituitary deficiencies by lowering testosterone which then create its own side effects secondary to the medication. Every friend I’ve ever had who has taken prescription medications (SSRI’s) is almost guaranteed to have visceral fat around the abdomen and low hormones do to taking these drugs, overtime they cause more health problems.

It’s called life and sometimes people just need to deal with it the old fashion way instead of popping a pill every time there’s a crisis.

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Psychiatrist put me on meds immediately after barely getting any background info. I kinda regret it now though since they haven’t worked so far…

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Google “Jay Campbell & Jim Brown Interview Dr Rob Kominiarek”. It will open your eyes!

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Really need to avoid this.

Get outside and get involved in a bunch of activities, even if not feeling it. -learn a language, sportsEtc. Find a local library/student friendlycafe and treat it as your own office/base for the day anything to be not slouching around the house.
Maybe start researching and learning about an industry you are interested in. I would say do a bit of studying/prep for going back to college but that can be a double edged sword and if sets you off then forget it.

Force yourself to be social at least once or twice a week, try and find a crowd that is upbeat and gets you laughing. Stay the hell away form anyone negative and whiny

Good that you’re getting vit D supp but also make sure get 20+ mins outdoor daylight as well, sun on face etc

As you rightly said junk food not good either -get in tons of greens and colourful veg, lean protein good fats. Drink plenty of plain water between meals. Avoid sugary crap.

Fermented foods and improving gut health might be of help also…

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Really not helpful buddy, but this is a very serious medical condition.

I’m not a doc (neither are you) but some of the statements he has made are waay over the threshold for diagnosing major clinical depression

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Namely “feeling suicidal”.

OP, Don’t do it. Remember all that negative bullshit coming out of your stream of consciousness doesn’t define you. With time and mindfullness training you can learn to stand back and watch all that junk coming from your brain and realize that isn’t your internal dialogue, it’s your haywire brain. Sometimes brains just fire thoughts at you. You can choose which of your thoughts/feelings have value and which ones are garbage that made it past the QC manager in your neurons.

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Thank you so much guys, i live in a very quite place with not much going on so it’s hard to make plans. Everyone I know ditched this place and went to universities outside. But your comments gave me some ever needed hope and I’ll continue fighting till I can figure out a way to function properly again. Meanwhile, I’ll try to distract myself somehow while I look at my treatment options.

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I can only speak of my experience with depression & what has helped (outside of medications).

It sounds like you’re also suffering from low self esteem, from the combined effect of leaving university - loss of face - while your peers have continued to go to university.

That’s being compounded by your parents not understanding depression is a real & serious illness. Don’t be too hard on your parents - it’s very hard to understand depression unless you’ve had it - and even then, once I’m no longer depressed I find it hard to completely remember how it felt.

What I’ve found helps with low self esteem, are 2 things - 1. doing esteemable things - Which in a nut shell means helping others.
2. Social support from likeminded people

I’ve found both of those through voluntary work at hostels for the homeless. Most of the volunteers are sensitive people who’ve had their own struggles with mental health & come through the other side.

The volunteers are also sensitive people you can truly talk to about feelings & thoughts, because they’re on a similar wavelength.

It makes a massive massive difference knowing you are not unique or weird for feeling like sh*t & having suicidal thoughts.

The work you do for others - EG the homeless is also praised by your peers & highly valued by other volunteers & you start to develop a sense of what esteemable actions are.

Esteemable actions don’t have to be being at university right this moment & they don’t have to be the approval of your parents ( which isn’t self esteem anyway!)

That’s a big step from here, so start small - tomorrow morning do 3 esteemable things - make your own bed, go for a walk in the sunlight & help your parents out with some housework.

Keep that up on Sunday & on Monday try to get to a homeless shelter or something similar you think will be ok - go in person - speak to a staff member.

Keep going to different ones until you start volunteering at one or even two. Make it your mission to get better, you have to want to get better & wanting is entirely in your actions - do much more - think much less!

Wanting to get better is also a daily thing - the desire to get better has to be renewed each day. That may well feel fake & you feel nothing - that doesn’t matter - move your feet (to do esteemable things) and eventually your mind will follow.

After doing esteemable things - reward yourself & distract your mind. An idle mind is not your friend. Right now your mind wants to kill you - so distract it.

Whatever you liked doing before you were depressed, force yourself to do it. PlayStation, sport, reading, learning, anything where you lose track of time.

These actions will help you get through the weeks it will take for you to start to get the right medical care. The medical care, TRT & counselling etc will take some time. Hang in there :slight_smile:

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