The Fatherhood Thread

Off Topic
41

I have 4 kids (20 y/o boy, 11/8/5 y/o girls). I’ve completely failed 25% of them (don’t have kids when you’re still a kid yourself). Jury’s still out on the other 75%, but I’m definitely improving.

My dad was a mixed bag. If he was around, he was amazing. But he wasn’t around much until I was 12 (parents were divorced for a decade, then got remarried; I know it’s weird). Thankfully, he was usually there when it mattered. The crossroads moment in my life was when I was 13 and wanted to quit football after about 2 weeks of practice. I was being hazed in practice (4-5 of the starters made it their business to ensure that I was either on my back or had my facemask in the dirt after every snap), and I just didn’t think I could get through another day. I thought it was going to last forever.

This was my second go-round with football; I “played” for two days when I was 8 and quit, because it was hard and I was not, and because my dad wasn’t there. My mom buckled then, because her baby was uncomfortable and crying, and she wanted to make it better. My dad was furious with her when he found out.

The second time around, he was there. Quitting was, quite simply, not a fucking option. He explained this to me, incredibly calmly, patiently, and gently. He also explained why those older, bigger, more experienced kids on the team were treating me that way. That they were testing me, and if I could just stick it out, I’d earn their respect. He agreed to give me the day off practice, as long as I promised to go the following day with no issues, while realizing that he would make sure I was there no matter what my thoughts on the matter were. I took the deal, then we went and played catch in the yard. The next day, I went to practice, no questions asked. I ended up playing for 10 years, all the way through college (only D3, but I did the best I could with the tools I was given).

Without a doubt, I would not be who I am if he hadn’t been there that day. So for all of his faults as a man, and as a human being in general, when he was there, he was an incredible father. I’ve tried to model myself after his example, while “doing the opposite” on the qualities he lacked (self awareness, money management, substance abuse, fidelity, “being around”, etc). I don’t always succeed, but I’m trying.

5 Likes
42

My dad was the same way when I played baseball. I wanted to quit through the first season because everyone had been playing since they were little kids and it was my first season, and I felt like I was hamstringing the team a bit. He refused to let me quit, saying I needed to play the rest of the season, at which point I could decide if I wanted to come back or not. But nothing was to be decided until the season was done.

I ended up sticking around for another few seasons, bonded with a few teammates, and gained confidence through improvement. That lesson of persevering through the task’s completion really stuck with me, even as a kid.

1 Like
43

I have a 7 year old girl and an almost 3 year old boy. It’s not easy, but it’s the greatest job in the world. When things are hard I remind myself that I literally wouldn’t trade my kids for a billion dollars, and then I think about what I’d be willing to go through for a billion dollars.

There aren’t many things I straight up know about God’s plan for me, but I was meant to have those kids in my life. And not for them as much as for me.

It gets a little less stressful when you realize no one has it figured out and just doing your best puts you in the top of the class.

6 Likes
44

Great thread idea.

I’ve been very active in my kid’s life since he was just under 5 years old, assuming full-time dad status around age 9. He’s now almost 21, not in jail, not addicted to drugs, behaving generally well in the world, working long hours and getting himself ahead, one step at a time. He’s making some expected mistakes while also excelling in unexpected arenas. Most notably, he’s become the first professional fisherman in the family and he’s also going to make an appearance on a major network reality TV fishing show.

He’s not quite professional enough to call it a career, but it’s certainly a possibility for him. He performed very well in his first major tournament, walking away with good exposure and a very nice payday that was the most money he’s made in one week by far. Unfortunately for him, he’s still going to need to schlep a little more before getting to that promised land of living to work.

I can write all day about the topic of raising boys into men, but I’ll share a recent and relevant story of how I still feel obligated to protect my 20 year-old adult child from harm in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I expect him to call his own shots and own what comes next, but sometimes situations materialize that 20 year-olds are not well-equipped to navigate.

My sister-in-law and her husband took it upon themselves to make it their business to encourage everyone in the family to get vaccinated. Their plan for this was to first shame, then shun. My kid doesn’t want it, has no plans to get it and his position is entirely uninformed by credible sources. He’s 20 with bad judgement, like nearly all 20-year-olds.

My brother decided to broach this subject by calling me up and screaming at me about this, as if I have some means by which I can directly control a 20 year-old’s behavior, or as if I’m ready to make him getting vaxxed my top priority in my relationship with him. My brother explained that he’s intending to shun any friends or family who don’t get the vaccine and demanded to speak with my boy about this.

I told him that he can only speak to my boy if he agrees to stick to facts and avoid all character attacks, all under the credible threat of delivering an ass-whooping should he decide to speak to my boy the way he spoke to me. He declined to even attempt to speak to him, while acting indignant about his new policy and entrenching himself in the necessity of shunning his 20 year-old nephew for the greater public health good.

Several weeks later, my brother has reconsidered his position of shunning family members for the greater good and my boy was never subjected to his ill-conceived, overwrought and irate words. My entire family has adopted my kid, not just me, and it would have devastated him to hear my brother say the words he had to say about him.

This is not a political post, nor am I inviting discussion about the merits of shunning family members in the hopes of achieving better overall public health outcomes. If someone wants to have that discussion, feel free to start a thread about it and tag me in it.

This is a post to explain how a parent’s work is never done.

6 Likes
45

Talk to your kids regularly and try to make it a conversation and not a monologue without forcing them. Establish a habit of back and forth discussion, it will serve you well as your relationship changes throughout the years. You don’t want to have a complete stranger either for a parent or an offspring that you’re only able to hold stilted conversations with.

Explain your actions and behaviors. Kids soak up this stuff like sponges and want to know what’s happening around them and why the adults behave the way they do. If you’re angry, tired or both make sure to explain why you did or said something - and why it was wrong - that try to sweep it under the rug.

6 Likes
46

I can confirm that this continues through adolescence and into young adulthood. I also regret to inform everyone that the stuff they soak up is not always the best stuff, despite our best efforts.

There are few things I am more certain of than the importance of meaningful connections and an unrelenting commitment to the endurance of the relationship. Without a strong connection, you won’t get anywhere. Without an unrelenting commitment to the relationship, it may not endure.

I’m sorry to report that even WITH a strong connection, you will still find yourself going nowhere far too frequently than you would like.

2 Likes
47

I mean, sure: you just might have fewer everydays.

Relevant

My kid loved their cheeseburger tonight btw. And I made a surf and turf burger of salmon and chicken.

2 Likes
48

So sometimes my son gets nightmares. Since he’s only 2, he can’t really communicate what’s wrong, he just wakes up screaming and needs to be comforted.

Last night, I crawled into bed with him and lay with him as he calmed down. He proceeded to nuzzle my face, wrap his arm around my shoulder, and wiggle his little fingers in a scratching motion.

In those moments, I’m not sure who’s comforting whom, because I’m pretty sure I fell asleep before he did.

5 Likes
49

These moments are some of the best as a dad.
I have fallen asleep many times in similar circumstances.

1 Like
50

Really great to see this thread come together. Fantastic idea with tons of solid info going around.

I like to make the running joke to friends my age that I missed out on the diaper and lullaby stages, but have gotten the kiddos through parent-teacher conferences, girlfriends, college applications, motorcycles (and motorcycle accidents), and tattoos. So I have a little different perspective from my high school and college buddies who’ve become new parents.

Like, last month after dinner one night, the youngest said “Oh, I didn’t mention I was going for my next tattoo tomorrow? Yeah, it’s the rest of the sleeve.” No problem with that, just some things catch you by surprise.

3 Likes
51

My wife picked up my Kindergartner early from school today because she complained of stomach pain…
Turns out she was just constipated (which can be uncomfortable). I never thought about poop so much before kids.

2 Likes
52

The inability to articulate issues makes kids and pets similar. Most kids use “stomach pain” to cover SO many issues, and asking them to further define it just gets frustrating.

3 Likes
53

My usual go to response when they complain of stomach pain is “did you poop today?”. That cures it about 95% of the time.

My 13 year old on the other hand doesn’t drink enough water so he gets headaches and then rolls his eyes at me when I ask if he drank water that day…oh the joys of puberty.

1 Like
54

This is where my wife comes in super handy. Being an animal trainer, she’s very in-tune to non-verbal signals.

1 Like
55

“Never let your kids do things that make you dislike them.”

Some of you will recognize the source of that sorta-quote (I didn’t reference the book so it might differ slightly). I think it’s insanely important. Some potentially unique behaviors I will absolutely NOT tolerate (that I know for a fact other parents tolerate constantly):

  1. “Requesting” things by way of orders/complaints/or need/want statements. If you want something, or want me to do something, then ask me nicely. You don’t even have to say please, just phrase your request in the form of an actual request and state it politely. In general, this goes for everyone in my life. My wife and I had a lot of issues in our first few years together because she almost never asked for things; it’s probably how I was raised, but that’s not how you talk to peers.

  2. Chewing with your mouth open. The sound of chewing makes my skin crawl, and I realize that everyone doesn’t feel the same way, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve been playing music at meal times with my wife since we started living together, because the sound of her chewing made me want to flip the fucking table over, and she chews with her mouth closed (just very noisily, IMO). When someone chews with their mouth open, it’s infuriating to me. Chewing gum with your mouth open is even worse. With all of my kids, this started as gentle requests/reminders pretty much as soon as they were old enough to understand what I was saying, and then progressed to fairly stern reprimands once they hit 6-7 years old. They’re still too noisy (and we still have music playing at every meal), but at least they’re making an effort. They also think daddy’s a bit insane, which is probably accurate.

The other things (lying, disrespect, etc) are probably pretty universal, so not worth mentioning.

Anybody else have any fairly unique things on their “Not In This House” list?

3 Likes
56

Would that be Jordan Peterson. I used to be down on him but now I think he’s an alright guy on some important topics, like family and child raising. I was actually listening to him on the way to work today.

1 Like
57

This is a big one for me. My kid isn’t talking yet, but as long as he politely gets my attention/points at whatever he wants, I’ll generally give it to him.

The one big one in our household is absolutely zero tolerance for untoward roughness with our animals. If our son smacks, pokes, pinches, grabs, etc hard with his hands or external object, big trouble.

3 Likes
58

That pretty much nails two very big Don’ts in my house.

Also door slamming or other abrupt “Bang” sounds.

One that may be odd is bathroom/bathtub stuff. I kinda hate bathrooms in that there can be surface wetness and slippery surfaces everywhere. This combined with all kinds of hard materials and shapes gives me actual fits of panic any time I hear a bang or heavy thud emanating from the bathroom.

Legitimately though, the wife has slipped and gotten busted up in the bathroom/tub WHILE fucking around and goofing with the kiddo.

This resulted in a rare and a bit embarrassing “What the fuck Don’t you get about…” lecture in the living room.

Anyhoo, there is some kind of pathology to this I’m not aware of, but it definitely triggers a really bad reaction.

Yeah. My son started picking up the bad habit of swatting at the neighbors dog and yelling at him. I tried “Don’t do that” in dad voice which didn’t do much.

Then I brought it home for him. He’s moderately afraid of the coyotes around the area, and a little bit of bears. So I took him aside and explained that if a sick coyote or bear ever approached, that dog would charge and harass it until he was safe, likely at the expense of its own life, and he should respect that by being kind to him.

That really changed his outlook and behavior. He became much more gentle and kind to the pooch.

3 Likes
59

My dad pretty much tolerated everything. He’s far too lenient IMO
Mum otoh…,

  1. Eating while using the computer or reading
  2. Sleeping in past 9am (doesn’t apply to me but little bro and dad got yelled at a LOT for this)
  3. Having bad breath
60

I was too lenient on this with my oldest daughter. She wasn’t violent in any way with our cat (we have 2, but one of them still won’t go near the kids), but she would chase her around and just generally bother it. The cat clearly didn’t appreciate the attention, but she wasn’t scared enough to run away. My thinking was that eventually the cat would give her a little nip on the hand (she was a very laid back animal) and my daughter would learn the hard way, but that didn’t happen. So now I’ve realized that my cats do actually need me to protect them from overly-affectionate children. I guess it’s good that I have friendly cats though.

My nephews were visiting a few months ago, and one of them (6 y/o) was trying to pick up one of our cats. The cat naturally didn’t want this, so she was running away, and my nephew kept chasing it around the house. I asked him to stop once, told him to stop once, and then unleashed Dad Voice on him. His brother (a very well-behaved 8 y/o) was sitting on the couch at the time, and I think he nearly shit his pants. Not sure he ever heard that voice before. The one that had been chasing the cat did stop what he was doing, and I explained why he shouldn’t be chasing the cat (would you like it if a giant was chasing you around trying to pick you up when you didn’t want them to?), and he didn’t do it again. So I guess that was a win.

In talking to my SIL later, I learned that the 6 y/o has a tendency to get absorbed in what he’s doing and kinda zone out. So it wasn’t that he was ignoring me, he literally didn’t hear me even though I was right next to him, but Dad Voice snapped him to attention.

5 Likes