Not joining the military is one of my biggest regrets of my life.
9-11 happened when I was 15, I guess I was lucky in a sense that where I lived presented itself as more patriotic than not. I can still remember loading buddies cars up with American Flags, making t-shirts about America kicking ass and coming for Bin Ladin, and the vigils for the fallen.
I’ve mentioned this before so I wont go into great detail but around that same age shit was hitting the fan with my stepfather, at that point I was going to do anything necessary to get the fuck away from him, and at the top of the list was joining the military. (I think a big part of it was I had this dream to come back after the military and kick his ass, the other was that he hated any type of authority figure.)
After the falling out happened with him and my Mom, and the manipulation started, those desires quickly turned, and were focused more to worrying about girls, partying with friends, football, and going to college like “everyone else”.
Although there were teachers and parents that were anti-war the people that I hung out with were mostly on the pro war side. It wasn’t until the Iraq war started (I was a senior by then) that the seed of “wait what the fuck is actually going on here” was planted in my head.
Throughout my senior year a lot of recruiters would visit the school. It was an easy way out of a class or two to go visit with them. I think one thing that threw me off (then subconsciously) was the type of kids that were joining. I myself grew up poor in a middle to upper class town. My entire childhood/teenage years was always marked with not having what everyone else did. The college seed was planted not only by my grandmother who genuinely wanted better for me, but by the fact that everyone who had money and was successful seemed to either be college graduates, or at the very least “white collar”.
I’d like to say I went to college because it was my grandmother’s dream for her grandchildren to graduate from college. I’d like to say I did it to lead the way for my younger siblings, I’d like to even say I did it because it was the best chance for me to become the most successful. Truth is I did it because my friends were doing it, because girls that I had the hots for, were doing it, and I wanted to impress then, and because it was the easiest way to get away from my family. PERIOD
To be honest though looking back at my 18 year old self, I don’t think it would have been beneficial to join at that point anyways. For others that is, I was way too immature, and underdeveloped. I would have gotten my dick shot off in .2 seconds in the field of war.
Throughout college, though I talked a big game. Football was a failure, my attitude, partying, and issues with authority figures quickly caught up to me and that was that. School was a failure, due to the reasons above, and add in the factor that I somehow fell into the “we’re too good for college” circle.
I’m not sure when it started or how, but at one point around 20 I remember telling myself I should join the military. Then quickly coming up with every excuse possible to not do it. A big factor for me was that it would put unfair stress on my grandmother who was old and sick and was a constant worrier. This became a consistent mindset for me. I was failing out of school, diving heavy into mj, psychedelics, and cocaine, and becoming a basic shut in.
At the end of my junior year (21)I officially failed out of college. I remember it absolutely devastated my grandmother. That along with my partying habits, my parents divorce, and just the over all unnecessary stress that I particularly added to her life, was just too much for her.
I remember that summer telling myself and masking my failures to others by saying that I wanted to join the military, but that I couldn’t because of my grandmother. (how ironic, I know) In a sick way I even got myself to believe the lie.
That summer was a particularly low one for me. Failing out of school, breaking it off with a girl that I really cared for, not being allowed back to my mom’s, my stepfathers constant manipulation, and the constant partying was really taking a toll.
A couple days before the 4th my friend (who’s house I was living at) had another exceptional party. The alcohol and drugs were a flowin and, as usual, we tied another one on that night.
As the night was winding down I went to my room, I remember walking out on the deck attached to the room and just having this overall weird feeling. About 25 feet away from me was their Enormous American flag flailing in the wind, it was lit up in a way that I hadn’t noticed before. Overall it just looked so beautiful. I remember just staring at it, and in some trippy way it was almost waving to me, calling me out.
At that moment, for the first time since I was a child, I prayed to God. I wont get into the exact details, tbh I don’t remember it all now. But I do know I asked for a sign, and told him I’d take it in any way he would give it. And then, the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life took place. I dared to indulge the idea that if it came in the way through my grandmother, then that would be that.
The next morning when I woke up, I had several missed phone calls. My grandmother died early that morning.
Most would be moved to join after that. But not I. To be honest my grandmother’s death was so hard for me to understand and comprehend that it took months before I thought about anything else. That entire moment on the deck that night, haunts me to this day. I know that my actions before that day definitely helped in her demise. Definitely broke her down and definitely added unnecessary stress to her and my family. But to this day I can’t figure out that if what happened on that deck was the final straw, or if what happened on that deck was a parting message…
That fall I started working full time and hated it. While deep down I knew that I should have joined the military, a louder voice in my head convinced me going back to school and getting your degree was the right thing to do. I think in part because although the military would have been better for me, the degree was truly what my grandmother wanted. I re-enrolled back in for the spring semester, with the true intention of getting my degree But when I got back to school, nothing really changed, the partying increased along with my freedom to do nothing. And the “join the military” thoughts started creeping back in again.
That Feb one of my best friends joined the Army. And in retrospect…that is when I should have joined. That was the point of no return if you will. That was the point where If I joined my entire life would have been different…But I didn’t.
It’s been 9 years since my grandmothers passing. There have been plenty of times that I’ve thought about joining since then, but never took the plunge. 9 years my life has been filled with failure, disappointment, and mediocrity. I can’t seem to get out of my own way, the military would have forced me to.
I will say, I do believe you get to a point in life…kinda like where I am now, where it makes absolutely no sense in joining. And you need to take the responsibility to mold yourself into the man you want to become, on your own.
