Hey, hang in there. Marriage is tough and I agree that no-one should ever let themselves be abused in shape or fashion (verbal, emotional, physical). Even if you have a son with your wife, if you are unhappy and do not see a light, then consider first the therapy route (individual and together) as well as a mediator for divorce (easier than a lawyer). As long as you can get custody or majority rights for days of the week, just be a good father. It is wholly possible that your wife’s insecurity is related to or excerbated by the baby (sees herself as a mom and not your sexy wife who you are in love with). Re-assure her, she needs that and that may be a difference. Anyway, I have been where you are, so hang in there.
I guess it’s easy enough to tell if a Christian counselor is any good or not; if she or he goes holier-than-thou on you, find another counselor. But find some, any, counselor to begin with. Good luck.
I am in agreement that a christian counselor would say to stay in there and work it out, and there is nothing wrong with that. The only reason I mentioned a christian counselor was because I was under the impression that you was/is a christian(no offense) yes some christian counselors would tell you that divorce is not an option. But at the same time another counselor will tell you that you don’t have to put up with it and that you would be better off divorced.When the both of you decided to get married who did you go see to help you decide to get married ? And then whose final decision was it to get married? If like most folks it was yours and hers no one elses then it will be your decision on what you want to do about your marriage. Happily ever after is only in story books and movies for the rest of us, we have to work at it. Just like we work to get what we want out of our bodies so that we can achieve a certain look that will make us look good naked, we read books, articles, visit websites like this one (though it’s the only one we really need)and talk and ask questions of the experts that has been there and done that. Same goes for marriages, read books, articles, visit websites and ask the experts tho se that has been married 20,30,40,50 years they know for they have been there and done that.Just as you would “study” to build a better body, use the same principles to build a better marriage.You will know when you have reached your “plateu or limits” concerning your marriage.But like everything else what works for me may not work for you. So you have to experiment keep a marriage log if you have to. If I sound like a preacher please forgive me for I don’t mean to be.I have seen marriages that was worse than what you describe and 2 years later is the best that has ever been and continues to grow. I wish you and yours luck and good fortune.
Machine- If you hang in there and make it work you will not regret it. If you don’t you will. Put you son’s needs ahead of yours. It’s the right thing to do.
I think Christian counseling is the way to go. The goal should be staying together. Traditional marriage couseling is designed to “resolve the conflict” most of the time that means divorce. The statistics are sobering.
Marriage is not easy. Things that are important never are. Good Luck!
I don’t post often and most of you don’t know me that well. But i thought I would add a little to this topic. I am a 19 year old kid, and I want to say, never stay together for the kids. As hard as it is to have joint custidy, it is much harder to see your parents fight and argue all the time. My parents started fighting and thinking of a divorce when I was 15. It wasn’t until I was 19 and moved into college that they went through with the divorce. It was a really hard couple of years. The whole time was full of them fighting and then just silence all the time. A couple of my good friends have parents who are also divorced, but did so at a younger age and they didn’t stay together until my friends moved out. They have said it was much easier for them. They were able to adjust and can see how much better it is and how much happier each parent is. This is just my two cents. I really hope that you can work it out with your wife. No divorce would be the best option, but don’t try to spare the kids, it ends up hurting them more.
Danny
While you will need to make sacrifices for your kids you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your happiness. We aren’t like salmon that die after reproduction. We continue to live and should continue to have a life along with having kids.
I know people that gave up everything, including a lot of their personality, to make sure their kids had every break. What they got was teenagers that think the world revolves around them and expect things without earning them. Kids that think all adults are dull and have no interests because their role models were that way. Basically in the attempt to “sacrifice everything” for their kids they screwed them out of a decent chance to be good adults and to have respect and a lasting relationship with their parents. A good family is the best thing a kid can have. Good families balance the needs of all the members and teach the kids to be good adults. Sometimes the best thing might be to split up. Only you can make that decision for yourself. I don’t think you’ll make it lightly and whatever you decide I hope the best for you, your son, and your wife.Machine- Just thought I’d thrown in a few questions/comments to the discussion…
Your description of your marriage leads me to believe that
you either married a highly unstable woman who enjoys random acts of abuse for no reason at all or…
You aren’t telling us the whole truth. Have you done anything wrong in the relationship or is it all her fault?
I am not saying that abuse of any kind is warranted, but I think we have to be careful with what we call “abuse”.
Have you attempted to talk to your wife about her problems? I know that it is often easier to talk to others about our problems than to talk to those with whom we have the problem. Being a married man myself, I know that this is particularly true in a relationship as close as a marriage. We know that we can’t sugar-coat our mistakes to those who really know us best. I admire your courage in being able to post about such a personal issue, but I have a feeling that this issue is much more complex than you can explain in an internet post. In that case, it would be a mistake to take any advice that you receive here and run with it. Not to discredit anyone’s support, but nobody here knows all the details about you, your wife, or your marriage.
That being said, I am going to give you some advice. Counseling is a very good start, (to echo others) because you can get deeper into the issues there, but ultimately it is going to come down to you recognizing the reality of the situation. If I were you, I’d take a good look in the mirror and ask myself if I went wrong anywhere all the way.
I may be wrong about your marriage, maybe your wife is as misdirected as you make her seem. However, I would take the time to face the consequences of any mistakes I may have made before making a decision that could seperate a family.
May you be with God.