[quote]zogster wrote:
CLewis,
If you find an answer, please post back here and let me know. I am perplexed by feelings quite like yours.
My background has some similarities to yours as well, at least in a successful academic history, in reluctance to “take stuff”, and generally tame behaviors.
In my searching, so far ADD seems like the most accurate name for my “problem”.
ADD is usually treated with stimulants, as it is a result of an understimulated brain (leading to the inability to focus normally)
People with ADD are often prone to risk-taking as a way to naturally self-medicate (i.e. stimulate) themselves. You mentioned that your “one moment of clarity” came after doing something you considered dangerous.
…Are you sure that you don’t have some “risky” behavior that you find yourself partaking in (or longing to partake in), even though you know better? - You don’t have to answer this.
I am not trying to diagnose you. I don’t know you, and I am not qualified. You seem like a smart guy who needs to figure things out for yourself - (usually the hard way, I suspect).
If you are similar to me, then you might find yourself wondering why you always take the path of greatest resistance.
I may be mistaken, but I think that my fogginess is getting worse with age (and kids) - maybe it is just a lack of time to take care of myself the way I used to, or perhaps just increased awareness.
Recently, I tried Adderall, and I have noticed that it did seem to alleviate some of my “foggy” symptoms. But the benefits did not seem to outweigh my aversion to “taking stuff”. I am still evaluating my opinion on this. I may try it again.
I caved and went the medical route because I could see that my work was being adversely affected by my distraction. When I was younger, I could compensate for my fogginess by pulling-off “super-human” feats of endurance and focus (e.g. all-weekers - as opposed to all-nighters). Wherever I worked, it seemed like I got nicknamed “the machine” - perhaps not what you would expect for a guy who currently thinks the best diagnosis for his “problem” is ADD.
Do you relate to this? If so, have you thought about what got you to the point where you needed to do something “superhuman” to be successful (or at least live up to your own (high) expectations)?
Anyway, there are varying degrees and different manifestations of “ADD”.
Sometimes it can be a strength - or at least the mechanisms that one develops for coping/succeeding with ADD can become strengths - such as a strong will and self-discipline.
Anyway ADD is not always personified by the goof-off troublemaker kid, or a quirky outwardly unfocused personality. You may be doing yourself a disservice by eliminating it from the pool of suspects so quickly. Look into it, read a little, look at yourself honestly (this is difficult). It won’t hurt you to do a little research. You probably think you have an open mind - but how open is it really?
Worst case is nothing changes. If you are lucky then you may pick up some pointers for aligning you energies in a single direction, you may find a reason for some of your feelings - or at least learn that others are similar to you.
…
I look back on my life and see an unfocused mess. However, most people would probably consider me to be pretty successful.
Despite that, I feel that my efforts have been directed pretty haphazardly, and often wonder what I could have accomplished if I could always stay as focused and clear as I know that I am capable of.
When I am “on” - I impress myself, otherwise (most of the time) I wonder what the heck I am doing - because it seems like a waste.
By the way, I am about to break down and try some Spike here in the near future.
If I do, I will post back to this thread with my opinions.
OK - I am done writing and sounding like an idiot. I should get back to work - but I just can bring myself to do it 
Also, I may be completely off-base, so take what I say with a grain of salt. I saw some similarities to myself, so I used it as an excuse to waste some time.
Oh yeah - martial arts and meditation always helped me. I am trying to figure out how to work those back into my life at the moment.
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have you told your shrink about these episodes, the all-weekers? sounds like it could be bipolar. if that’s the case, the last things you want to take are stims like spike, because you could go beyond hypermanic and have a psychotic break. lemme tell ya, not fun!