First thing is to find a station that plays THE worst possible music (think Justin Beiber) on repeat on full volume. Not an item 
Ten pack of Tom Cat sticky mouse traps.
Ten pack of utility knife blades
One hefty porch rail spindle
I would knock your assss out with the spindle one by one and adhere the sticky traps to your privates then place a utility blade in your hand for when you wake up. This rest will take care of itself!