Emily's Playground aka Let's Process our Feelings III

Off Topic
401

[quote]orion wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]orion wrote:

16 and 17 yeaqr old Austrian girls flee to be with djihaddi bad boys, weapons, bikes and beheadings!!!, swoooooon…

Get beaten to death when it was not so tingle inducing after all and they try to flee…

I wish I had more feelings to process than disgust.

[/quote]

You recognize that they’re drawing idiot boys in along with the idiot girls, right? This (ISIS) is not merely a story about female behavior. Don’t get it twisted.[/quote]

Turns out, I know the leading Austrian psychiatrist when it comes to wannabe jihaddis…

She says, the thing they all have in common is a lack of a father figure and a world that does not give a shit about them.

She would, of course, phrase it differently.

Will ask her on her opinion about girls, but, since she mostly deals with criminal cases and wanting to fuck glorious beheaders is not exactly illegal…[/quote]

Bit of neat packaging perhaps. Complete lack of sense of self, yes, but lack of a father figure would just be one trigger. Other could be an authoritative father that tells you, “you’re shit”, or for girls being reduced to an appendage of a guy, There are many ways to bring somebody to go postal…

402

[quote]TQB wrote:

[quote]orion wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]orion wrote:

16 and 17 yeaqr old Austrian girls flee to be with djihaddi bad boys, weapons, bikes and beheadings!!!, swoooooon…

Get beaten to death when it was not so tingle inducing after all and they try to flee…

I wish I had more feelings to process than disgust.

[/quote]

You recognize that they’re drawing idiot boys in along with the idiot girls, right? This (ISIS) is not merely a story about female behavior. Don’t get it twisted.[/quote]

Turns out, I know the leading Austrian psychiatrist when it comes to wannabe jihaddis…

She says, the thing they all have in common is a lack of a father figure and a world that does not give a shit about them.

She would, of course, phrase it differently.

Will ask her on her opinion about girls, but, since she mostly deals with criminal cases and wanting to fuck glorious beheaders is not exactly illegal…[/quote]

Bit of neat packaging perhaps. Complete lack of sense of self, yes, but lack of a father figure would just be one trigger. Other could be an authoritative father that tells you, “you’re shit”, or for girls being reduced to an appendage of a guy, There are many ways to bring somebody to go postal…
[/quote]

I can only report this, lack of father, especially in the formative years of 0-3, a complete failure of the welfare system, like shoving quite clever young boys into special needs programs with all the hardships that entails…

The way a classic patriarchy made stakeholders out of men, was children, sex and respect, those boys have neither.

The last part makes her squirm, but she has a pretty good answer to my “generalizations”, she says she is a psychiatrists and therefore trained to see the individual.

403

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]rrjc5488 wrote:
Em, I was hoping you’d be able to answer a potentially-social-worker-related question for me… Just yesterday, I was speaking to a friend of mine when I [jokingly] called him mentally ill, only for him to respond that he was told he had “normative something something syndrome/disorder”, but he couldn’t remember what it was actually called. Apparently one of the symptoms (the main symptom?) is having overly sensitive reactions to certain things.

Ironically enough, this news of his ‘diagnosis’ was over brunch, then later that day over dinner, a mutual friend poked a bit of fun at the shirt he was wearing when all of a sudden he FLIPPED out, said some incredibly mean/hurtful things to our friend, and caused a scene at the restaurant we were at before storming out the door.

Anyway, I was just wondering if that [vague] description of his behavior rings a bell of some sort of disorder starting with “normative…” I’m just trying to figure out what it is so I can do a bit of research on the subject.

Happy anniversary, BTW! Glad you and Hockey are still enjoying each other :)[/quote]

Thank you!

No, it doesn’t ring any bells at all. There’s sensory sensitivity stuff that can make people irritable (e.g. sensitive to noise or fluorescent lighting, the feel of clothes on skin, etc) and then they’re jerks because of the irritability, but that’s the only thing I know of that allows for normal behavior except under those certain sensitivity-increasing conditions. “Normative” typically describes appropriate, whether in development or functioning - or anything else for that matter.

I will say that I hear some odd diagnoses reported by people, and some of them probably come from a mental health professional. I wonder if your friend is talking about something more school-based? They have their own language.[/quote]

Thanks, Em.

I think your last sentence likely hit the nail on the head; He’s a teacher, so I wouldn’t be surprised if the woman who told him about whatever’s going on used their terminology.

I don’t think it’s anything to do with sensory sensitivity, as we’ve gone to concerts/clubs/etc. together and he’s never complained about noises/lights (or clothing, for that matter), but I hadn’t thought of that as an option. His is definitely more emotional sensitivity (which makes total sense, given his background - his dad was in and out of AA when my friend was growing up, comes from a fairly broken home, divorced parents, etc. On top of all that, he was a meth addict for quite a few years, so there’s that whole ‘brain chemistry’ thing.

Anyway, thanks again :slight_smile:

404

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]rrjc5488 wrote:
Em, I was hoping you’d be able to answer a potentially-social-worker-related question for me… Just yesterday, I was speaking to a friend of mine when I [jokingly] called him mentally ill, only for him to respond that he was told he had “normative something something syndrome/disorder”, but he couldn’t remember what it was actually called. Apparently one of the symptoms (the main symptom?) is having overly sensitive reactions to certain things.

Ironically enough, this news of his ‘diagnosis’ was over brunch, then later that day over dinner, a mutual friend poked a bit of fun at the shirt he was wearing when all of a sudden he FLIPPED out, said some incredibly mean/hurtful things to our friend, and caused a scene at the restaurant we were at before storming out the door.

Anyway, I was just wondering if that [vague] description of his behavior rings a bell of some sort of disorder starting with “normative…” I’m just trying to figure out what it is so I can do a bit of research on the subject.

Happy anniversary, BTW! Glad you and Hockey are still enjoying each other :)[/quote]

Thank you!

No, it doesn’t ring any bells at all. There’s sensory sensitivity stuff that can make people irritable (e.g. sensitive to noise or fluorescent lighting, the feel of clothes on skin, etc) and then they’re jerks because of the irritability, but that’s the only thing I know of that allows for normal behavior except under those certain sensitivity-increasing conditions. “Normative” typically describes appropriate, whether in development or functioning - or anything else for that matter.

I will say that I hear some odd diagnoses reported by people, and some of them probably come from a mental health professional. I wonder if your friend is talking about something more school-based? They have their own language.[/quote]

Completely guessing here as well. Like Em, my head went to people who are hypersensitive to stimuli like noise, or people with an Auditory Processing Disorder. Some of them experience feeling overwhelmed, overreacting behavior like you described. And I have seen kids with ADHD have similar symptoms, where they are very sensitive, quickly overreact/ or have problems with impulse control, experience sensory overload which makes them irritable. Again, this could be a lot of things, or some combination of things, but here’s a link. Does this sound like what your friend was describing?

[/quote]

Thanks, PP!

I still don’t think it’s sensory sensitivity, as I’ve been in many environments with him that would present itself as very overwhelming to someone with sensory oversensitivity. He’s never complained about lights, noises, or clothes bothering him; rather, his oversensitivity is definitely emotional.

He has completely lashed out (this happens in numerous forms: lashing out verbally in the immediate situation, abruptly storming off without a word, or holding it in and ruminating on it until he sends the person who annoyed him a scathing text/voicemail) at numerous people for some of the most insignificant reasons* or even some reasons that he concocted in his own head. It’s more and more bizarre the more I think about it after his last one the other day.

*of course, I realize that seeing something as insignificant is my point of view, because clearly it was significant through his eyes. I just think your average person would agree that’s it’s an insignificant reason.

Thanks again for your ideas!

405

Hey guys!
Interesting thread in here. Seems like the topics are pretty mixed up.

Something i´ve been thinkin about for some time:

i´ve had some problems with self-acceptance/self-love in the past. Think I´m way better now, but still working a little bit on confidence and staying content with myself no matter what happens.

Now one of the most difficult questions for me is how to motivate myself without putting myself under stress like:
Do this or you are a pussy; learn this or you are a failure; a real man/sportsman/athlete excercises also when he is really tired; if i dont go to that party i´m boring… shit like that.
As you can guess, these arent the most healthy motivations. When i stress myself out like that, i get sick sometimes (because of missing sleep,…) It´s quite stupid when i think about it rationally.
BUT sometimes if i shut that off i feel like i´m lazy, that i´m not doing anything productive.

Some ideas about motivating me are:
Doing the things i have fun with, the things that are important to me, that i really want to do…

So my question now: How do you motivate yourself? How do you decide if you are too tired/exhausted to do something (training, going out,…)? What are the sources of your self-acceptance/self-love/confidence?

Would be really interesting hearing your opinions

406

[quote]Seppl wrote:
Now one of the most difficult questions for me is how to motivate myself without putting myself under stress like:
Do this or you are a pussy; learn this or you are a failure; a real man/sportsman/athlete excercises also when he is really tired; if i dont go to that party iÃ??Ã?´m boring… shit like that.
[…]
So my question now: How do you motivate yourself? How do you decide if you are too tired/exhausted to do something (training, going out,…)? What are the sources of your self-acceptance/self-love/confidence? [/quote]
It depends on what it is, but usually I have to make it “intellectually fun”, or at least “interesting”.

I’ve gotten better though at doing something I find interesting, then taking that energy and redirecting it elsewhere. Sometimes I have to just take a break and regenerate that energy.

When it comes to work stuff, I sometimes take some time to work on “personal projects”, and get myself generally excited and interested in something that uses the same skills. And then go back to the work stuff, with this new energy.

For instance, if you were a doctor, maybe you’re passionate about helping people but your daily job has gotten a bit boring and you’re no longer motivated. So every once in awhile, you decide to volunteer at a clinic and help people and focus on the part you really enjoy. And then go back to your day job after you “remembered” what it was you loved about it in the first place.

As far as feeling too tired, too exhausted, that’s usually pretty clear. Basically if I’m just not really focused on what I’m doing. If I go out, but realize I’m not really “there”. Likewise with training.

I’ve generally just learned to stop pushing myself quite so hard mentally (since, eventually that fries you out), and working at a more natural pace, with its natural ebbs and flows. It’s kind of like sleep I guess, you can skip/reduce sleep for a long time, push yourself, get lots done, but eventually it catches up to you. It’s much better to find a place where you’re sleeping in a more natural manner.

407

[quote]Seppl wrote:
Hey guys!
Interesting thread in here. Seems like the topics are pretty mixed up.

Something i�´ve been thinkin about for some time:

i�´ve had some problems with self-acceptance/self-love in the past. Think I�´m way better now, but still working a little bit on confidence and staying content with myself no matter what happens.

Now one of the most difficult questions for me is how to motivate myself without putting myself under stress like:
Do this or you are a pussy; learn this or you are a failure; a real man/sportsman/athlete excercises also when he is really tired; if i dont go to that party iÃ?´m boring… shit like that.
As you can guess, these arent the most healthy motivations. When i stress myself out like that, i get sick sometimes (because of missing sleep,…) ItÃ?´s quite stupid when i think about it rationally.
BUT sometimes if i shut that off i feel like i�´m lazy, that i�´m not doing anything productive.

Some ideas about motivating me are:
Doing the things i have fun with, the things that are important to me, that i really want to do…

So my question now: How do you motivate yourself? How do you decide if you are too tired/exhausted to do something (training, going out,…)? What are the sources of your self-acceptance/self-love/confidence?

Would be really interesting hearing your opinions
[/quote]

I think I dealt with a lot of what you’re writing about by just being a zombie. I had no real motivation to do anything throughout my high school/college years and just put in enough effort to pass through. I was pretty much the quintessential B-grade student.

Now that I’m working in a career that I (sort of) enjoy, my motivation is really quite simple- financial. If the company succeeds, the “penny stock” I have (not really penny stock because the company is private) will suddenly be worth hundreds of thousands of dollars! There’s a ton of incentive for me to bust my ass, and so working 10+ hours a day is nothing.

As for lifting- I’m trying to make it a completely mechanical action on my part. Just up at 5:30 and at the gym at 6, unless I go to bed after midnight or something and get less than 6 hours of sleep.

Generally speaking, I’m a huge fan of routines in life. You do A from B to C hours, then D from E to F hours, and so on. Because of this, I do get annoyed when my routine is broken, but it lets me operate without putting too much thought into what and why I’m doing something. It lets me focus much more on the task at hand.

408

[quote]Seppl wrote:
Now one of the most difficult questions for me is how to motivate myself without putting myself under stress like:

Do this or you are a pussy; learn this or you are a failure; a real man/sportsman/athlete excercises also when he is really tired; if i dont go to that party iÃ?´m boring… shit like that.
As you can guess, these arent the most healthy motivations.

Some ideas about motivating me are:
Doing the things i have fun with, the things that are important to me, that i really want to do…

So my question now: How do you motivate yourself? How do you decide if you are too tired/exhausted to do something (training, going out,…)? What are the sources of your self-acceptance/self-love/confidence?
[/quote]

Motivation:

I’m pretty relentlessly positive in life, but without feeling that I always have to be doing positive (fun) things. So I decide what I want, need, or believe I should do, then utilize positive self-talk to motivate myself to do it.

So I should work out becomes I’ll be so happy after I work out. I need to clean becomes I don’t want to spend all week in a dirty house, so it’ll be nice to have it clean.

It’s not a formal, thought-out thing I do, but just the orientation I’ve developed over the years. Or perhaps it’s just my personality, I don’t know - but science supports that positivity can be developed. Another thing I do without thinking much about it is support my mindset with music. That can either be my current mindset if I’m pleased with it, or a mental state I’d prefer, if that’s the case. So if I’m feeling passive and mopey I might play Move Bitch when I work out to increase aggression. If my relationship is in a really good place and I want to maintain that - by overlooking minor irritations in favor of counting my blessings - I play gushy, romantic music. If I’m feeling threatened and am considering a breakup, I’m likely to play strong breakup music, and I’m definitely working out to Move Bitch rather than something cheerier.

When I’m tired:

If I determine that I’m legitimately tired, I rest. And then once I’ve rested, I resume the schedule I’ve set for myself (wake at 5:15 to run/lift, for example, or make soup and prep lunches on my day off). I determine legitimacy by the frequency of my “too tired” blow-offs, or surrounding circumstances. I’m just back from a weekend away and have spent a good part of the day goofing off. However, I also grocery shopped, prepped dinners for the work week (I work long days), and vacuumed.

I once read that when determining whether to take time off from working out you should decide whether you’re INJURED, in which case you take time to recover, or whether you’re just HURTING, in which case you should push through. I view tired the same way. At the end of the day, will I be glad I rested, blew off socializing, etc, or will I feel I’ve disappointed myself? If the former, I rest, if the latter I push through.

Self-love, self-acceptance:

The easiest way I’ve found to work on these is to imagine that I met someone with my qualities and determine how I would feel about that person, then project those feelings back onto myself. If I would react with approval I would then assume self-acceptance. If I would have a negative impression of (myself) as a coworker, then I have some work to do (back to the motivation piece) to improve myself and meet my own standards.

In fact I would be thrilled to have someone start at work who is as interested in fitness as I am, who is as much fun as I am, and who is of good character, as I believe I am. That being the case, I’ve moved past self-acceptance to self-love. If I met someone just like me, I’d probably come home and report it as an exciting new development. It sounds awkwardly egotistical, but. . . you did ask. I believe I exemplify the qualities I see in the man I love. Honesty, curiosity, good work ethic, kindness, etc. I meet my own standards, though I do have faults.

Confidence comes in time, after doing the above for a while. Despite all the talk on TNation about women getting a man and getting fat, I am confident that this will not happen to me until I am very old. I know because I’m motivated to keep it the way it is, and motivation is not an issue for me. I know I am fun because people I like and respect report that this is so. They’re glad when I come out to play, or even show up at a meeting. So I think self-acceptance and love come from within (a decision about whether one is good enough for oneself) while confidence comes from repeated success.

Or at least, that’s my take on it!

409

Wow Em, that is a great take on it. There is a lot there I can use. Thanks.

410

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
Wow Em, that is a great take on it. There is a lot there I can use. Thanks.[/quote]

Thanks! It probably makes me sound more on top of things than I am. This is just a description of my frame. Day-to-day performance of it all varies. But I do generally feel comfortable with my motivation success/fail rate and I do think I’m a good and likable person.

411

I put a ring on it. It’s nice and sparkly and stuff.

(We also signed the contract with the builder, but that’s not nearly as exciting.)

412

[quote]LoRez wrote:
I put a ring on it. It’s nice and sparkly and stuff.

(We also signed the contract with the builder, but that’s not nearly as exciting.)[/quote]

OMG! Congratulations on both counts, but especially the first! I’m so excited for you. :slight_smile:

413

I just don’t know about all this redesigning, although truth be told I’ve always hated the black and yellow.

I’m feeling unsettled.

414

I didn’t hate the black and yellow, but otherwise, yeah, feeling much the same way.

I had to give it some time to see how I really felt about it. Off Topic has been pretty dead since the change. Training logs keep moving forward at least.

415

OT has been dead for a while now, though not to this degree. Eh, we’ll see.

416

I’m trying to get the hang of a new tablet and forum. This new tech stuff is pretty cheap and easy, but callouses on my fingers make these touch screen keyboards a pain in the butt.
Also, congrats Lo, that’s a big step!

417

We signed the contract on the land last Thursday, and officially broke ground today.

Mostly I’m nervous, but every once in awhile, a bit of excitement comes through. I keep second guessing a lot of the decisions we made, but every time I go and look at them, they make sense and I’m still happy with those choices. So now I’m just hoping that everything we worked through on paper actually works out as well in real life.

418

@LoRez I’m not sure how I missed the above post. The notifications for old stuff was messing with me, I guess. At any rate, congratulations! So, three months later - how is it going?

I went looking for this thread to say that I got engaged this morning. : )

4 Likes
419

Congrats, Em!

:fonzie:

420

Thank you. I feel so certain and happy. Not one single worry or bad feeling. I called my ex-husband first so he wouldn’t have to hear it as gossip and so the kids wouldn’t have the awkwardness of telling him, and he said they all seem to like Hockey very much. Which I knew - how could they not - but it was nice to hear.